A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my bf for 2.5yrs (living with him 1.7yrs).I've noticed that on his Facebook, he has lots of females "friends" (as he calls). I haven't used FB and had shut it down years ago as I prefer Linkedin. His account has been open to me but that changed over year or so, now he keeps himself logged out. I find that he peeps at the photos of certain females, in which I suspect he may had or had feelings for. This led to arguments, as he would speak of of them very often and I asked him about his feelings towards either. He went ballistic on me. We would argue to the point of him calling me name from: being mentally unstable (needing to head my head checked),to being a dumb ass bitch,crazy, shit, worthless, even threatening to have me kicked out. And days later, he would apologize for being mean. Our intimacy isn't there, 1/mth (if lucky). He told me to just get a vibrator. Noticed on the computer that he would look at porn than be intimate with me. When I asked why are we not intimate, he said because I'm fat and not in shape - am 110lbs, 5'1", he's the who is heavy being at 6, 240lbs. He told me to invest in a vibrator if I want action.I'm a strong believer in intimacy between two people. I'm 33 yr, working two jobs and he's 38 working one stable job, God forbid I speak of being tired. Anything I need I use my own funds, dare I ask for help. He pays only for condo maintenance fees as condo has been paid off my his parents. I pay for all foods, outings, gifts etc. I cook, clean, laundry etc even though work 60hr work weeks. He used to drink a bottle of wine everyday and now it's just down to a few beers everyday. I may have a drink on a Saturday to relax me yet I am called an alcoholic. He refuses to accept he has a drinking issue.Under a year ago, my mother passed away and I had to travel to bury her.When I returned, I saw on his phone him making plans for drinks with his female friends during my difficult time (I wasn't included which was fine, but felt hurt by his insensitivity). I asked him to go with me for the funeral, he refused and used it would be awkward as he wouldn't know everyone there. However,every family event that occurs on his end I must attend. Lately, I've been sick more often due to lack of sleep and not proper rest. I understood that I took upon myself due to work, but it's been me working hard to pay off my credit cards. He gets sick, I am very supportive to making him soups and getting him medication. And when it's me being sick, I cannot even get a cup of tea made by him even when I ask kindly, reply is: you are closer to the kitchen and still can walk. I find him very narcissistic and selfish. I'm told to grow up and quit acting like a child.Am I going crazy? Is this normal for a partner to act like? I really question if most relationship are like this?
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alcoholic, facebook, porn, vibrator Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 April 2017):
 Please read over what you have wrote, what advice do you feel you should give yourself? What do you get out off this relationship? Why on earth would you stay with someone who treats you this bad?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2017): Do you want your doubts confirmed or verified?
Are they doubts or suspicions?
Are they troubling you?
Keeping you awake at night?
Do you feel you might become violent or harm yourselves or others?
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (25 March 2017):
 My question for you, what is making you stay?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (25 March 2017):
 This is NOT "normal" but it is YOUR normal for now and has been for a while.
I think you know that the relationship has gone downhill, he is disrespectful, abusive and selfish. And you... walk around on eggshells for whatever reason. My guess is because you don't like the verbal abuse that follows.
APOLOGIZING for calling someone names and derogatory terms doesn't erase the actions or the words. IT doesn't make it OK to do it and then do it again.
It's kind of ironic that HE tells you to stop acting like a child, when in fact, HE is the immature one.
OP, sometimes we have to look at the relationships we are in, be it friendships, family, co-workers, or partners and SEE it for what it is. And what you have is a toxic relationship. Which might BE why you don't feel so good. He tells you that he doesn't want sex with you because you are fat? Yet you aren't fat... He tells you he doesn't want to go to a funeral because HE doesn't know anyone... but you didn't ask him to go for HIS sake you did it for support and he couldn't BE bothered.
It's all downhill from here. He is already grooming other women because I DO think he knows that you COULD wise up and leave or ... he wants greener pastures himself, but for now he has a LIVE IN maid, cook, clean, you pay most of the ACTUAL bills... YOU are his golden goose. Nothing more.
I'd say it's time for you to find a place of your own that you can afford and then when you have your ducks in a row, MOVE out and DUMP his lazy abusive ass!
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A
female
reader, Isolatedgothicprune +, writes (25 March 2017):
I think it's very important for you to think about why you stay. His behavior is wrong on many levels. He verbally batters you. He takes advantage of your being away to grieve your mother by setting up dates with others. He keeps his Facebook locked up so you can't see what he's doing or who he's talking to. How is this a relationship, in your eyes? It sounds more like you are a convenience to him, but he'd rather be on his own again. He is showing you, by his actions, that he is not committed to you or the relationship. The very healthiest thing you can do is to leave, the sooner the better. You've invested far too much time in a selfish child in the hopes that somehow he will grow up and be the man you hoped he would be. He very obviously does not have it in him. I'd advise you to gather your things and get your own place, or move as far away as you can. He does not have it in him to be what you deserve. Put yourself first for a change. Take care of you. My guess is that your mother would have wanted that for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2017): You have explained your case very well. I dont think you are mad either. FGS what is keeping you with this abusive guy? You should keep your dignity and leave him. He will not stop you because clearly he doesnt love or respect you. So dont waste your life. There are plenty of decent guys out there who can love and treat you much better.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 March 2017):
 Most relationships are like this ?... Gosh no , they aren't, and tbh it's strange that you ask, Ot would make sense just if, not only you had grown on a dysfunctional family, but also had been totally sheltered / kept apart from any other married / cohabiting couple. Otherwise, you ought have noticed that even when marriage is not sheer bliss nor a romanric fairytale , even when routine sets in , or personality clashes appear... no, generally such blatant verbal and psychological ( and financial ! ) abuse is NOT part of the relationship. Nowhere near it, if the relationship has to be kept going.
It does not necessarily have to , of course. When from a relationship you get no respect, no support , no empathy ( .. and sex is also sort of "meh" ) is high time to terminate it - so, what's keeping you ?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2017): It sounds like he is quite selfish. I think you need the talk!
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