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Petty bickering. Is there a better way to resolve things? Why do we argue? How I can make this relationship work?

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 November 2012) 8 Answers - (Newest, 23 November 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

So me and boyfriend are currently discussing why we seem to bicker and have petty arguements for over no reason.

And now he seems to think it's not working.

The last thing I want is to lose him. I just don't know what to do. He's said to me a day ago he loves me and doesn't want to lose me.

Please give me advice on why we argue, and how I can make this relationship work, please.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (23 November 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntYou don’t argue about specific things, He’s sensitive to you and you are sarcastic and critical.

I am sarcastic, my husband does NOT speak Sarcasm so I get frustrated having to explain things to him. IT gets old. He’s critical and I always feel stung and hurt and unloved when he’s critical of me. He does not mean to make me feel that way but that’s the way he is. And I accepted it.

Sounds like your boyfriend is not willing to accept it and that’s ok. Basically if you are sarcastic and critical, that’s your personality and in order to make it work with him you will have to alter your fundamental make up. NOT going to work.

Prepare for the inevitable end of this relationship or your personality as you know it. ONE of them has to give.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2012):

Maybe its your sarcastic and criticising tendencies he finds irritating and annoying, and if he asks you not to do those things and you reply with yet more sarcasm or criticism, he gets annoyed and it turns into an argument?

Other than that, maybe if he doesn't want to be with you, he causes arguments on purpose and says "Look its not working out, all we do is argue" as an excuse to walk away?

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (23 November 2012):

janniepeg agony auntWhen people argue they don't feel valued and understood. Instead of focusing on your differences, try to bridge the gap by asking the other to help you understand, and for him to consider why you feel a certain way. Both people can be right, like there can be one piece of music and two people interpretating it in different ways, depending on the person's mood. I am one of those who believe effective communication can be taught. Being with the right person doesn't mean you could just read their minds.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2012):

OP you say there's no reason so I suspect that the reasons are literally anything and everything, the most minor of things perhaps even bicker about a text message being 5 minutes late.

If that's the case then you simply don't get on. Love is not enough for a good relationship. Sure bickering can be normal. You see me and my girlfriend on a bad day, the little things that annoy use about each other but are more than happy to tolerate (everyone has some) become a reason to give out. The problem arises when bickering becomes the norm and when it feels bad to do, if you feel really bad after a petty argument then to me that's a sign of incompatibility.

I bet if you ask SVC she'll tell you the dishwasher thing is not such a big deal that it makes her feel anything ominous. It's probably even a nice outlet to vent and is forgotten about once the minor argument is over. Your boyfriend thinks it's not working, that sounds to me like he;s sick of the arguments, they're not good arguments and the relationship has been consumed by them.

Now you should answer the other posters questions, I can see where they are coming from and they may be able to offer practical advice. The only thing I can tell you OP is love is never enough, the pain of losing someone is not even nearly as bad as the constant fighting with someone you love but just can't make it work with. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you will get on with each other, and being able to discuss things without getting petty or attacking each other over something minor is very important.

Pay close attention to whether this applies to you OP. You quite literally cannot fake this, you may think you can tolerate it because you love him but it really will just grind you down and get worse.

I mean if there was anything you could see that could fix this you'd probably already have seen it.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (23 November 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntwell I need more info.

why are you fighting?

how do the fights manifest themselves?

how long are you together?

do you live together?

are you sexually active?

believe it or not all these questions have bearing on what i advise you to do.

Petty bickering can be normal. It may be your style. My husband and I have disagreements daily over stupid stuff... but when push comes to shove, I'm his top priority.

But, for example, he'll whine that I didn't ASK him to empty the dishwasher. He did not grow up with one. To me my mindset is, IF the CLEAN LIGHT is on, EMPTY the damn thing. To him, if I don't tell him to empty it when he gets home how is he supposed to know that I want him to do it. WE both are right, we just approach it differently. He helps whenever I ask. I get mad because I think I should not have to ask.... He gets mad because he's not a mind reader...

now fights about sex (frequency or style) or money (spending/saving) etc... those are big and need to be addressed...

Petty stupid stuff... if you don't like fighting than this man may not be your perfect match and you may need to find someone with a temperament more suited to your needs

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

We don't argue over things in specific, it's just seems to be happening on a regular basis, and my boyfriend thinks that its not working :( It breaks my heart to hear it. He's too sensitive and I can be pretty sarcastic and critical but I don't mean to do it on purpose or to be horrible it kinda just happens. I really need some advice I don't want to lose him.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2012):

There's obviously a reason why you argue :

- Who's turn is it to do the cooking.

- Who's washing the dishes.

- Why is there dirty clothes left lying around.

Etc...

Its probably none of those, they're just examples, but there must be something(s) you both can't come to a mutual agreement on, prior to it escalating into an argument...

Its hard to give you more direct suggestions or possible solutions without knowing the facts.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2012):

"Please give me advice on why we argue, and how I can make this relationship work, please."

Based on scant info provided, I'd say most common armchair diagnosis is that you're a needy, clingy chick who has latched on like a barnicle to a rusty scow to a charming, manipulative con artist who tells you exactly what you want to hear in order to get you to do exactly what he wants you to do.

You probably bicker and have petty arguments for no reasons other than you crave attention from him and he craves power over you; possible root causes are you are both immature and self-centered, and you each likely lacked appropriate adult role models growing up so neither of you has a clue as to what constitutes truly loving, healthy, functional relationships and therefore you possibly are both desperately seeking to fill huge, deep-seated, long-term emotional voids and chasms in your lives any way you possibly can.

Chances of making "this relationship" work are practically nil, but that likely won't stop you from digging in and hanging on 'til the bitterest of ends.

I suggest you seek individual counselling, no point in asking him to participate or even discussing the subject; if you were both well-adjusted young adults capable of behaving like a truly loving couple involved in a mutually giving, rewarding and uplifting relationship, then you wouldn't be "together."

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