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Personal cleanliness? There has got to be a nice way to approach this! What would you do??

Tagged as: Dating, Health, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 March 2017) 9 Answers - (Newest, 31 March 2017)
A female age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I started seeing this guy about two months ago. We pretty much only hang out about two three nights a week when he'll come stay the night or weekend. We've known each other for a while now, we've taken our kids on play dates before etc.

He's a nice guy in general and has an attitude much better than what I've dealt with over the past few years. Doesn't stand me up, texts back fast and always making an effort to keep us going it seems. But he's irresponsible and I'm not sure if he showers regularly either.

I already knew he didn't have a running car when I got with him and decided to try to look past it because I figured I'd rather help a nice guy get on his feet then deal with a jerk who has a car like I usually do but he says his car will be running once he puts a couple hundred dollars into it and I just don't understand why it's taking this long.

He works, shouldn't fixing his car be done already? I pay tabs a lot when I'm with him but feel I probably should anyways since its usually my idea to go out. I wanted to switch jobs and he couldn't understand why I gave my boss a two week notice. He kept saying I should just leave if I don't like it there, he just doesn't seem to have a good head on his shoulders. To top it off, he's worn the same red and black shirt every single time he comes over. I can't sleep with the guy and avoid kissing him when I can because I think it's gross.

At first I thought maybe he was shy about using my shower but I've brought that up and let him know that I'd like him to be comfortable using it and told him it would lead to more intimacy. Im having a hard time bringing this up to him.

I've been called shallow in the past for not dating guys who hoard trash in their trucks or for being picky about my home to the point siblings feel they're walking on egg shells and it doesn't feel good to be called that so I try to be nicer about such stuff.

But he stayed the night literally a day after I got all brand new bedding and left an odor so strong on my sheets I lied and said I was on my period and had to wash my new sheets over him.

I thought about buying him a couple new shirts but don't understand why he can't afford a ten dollar shirt every now and then without being told. I've had bad luck with guys and would like to think this is something I could work with compared to going and getting with someone who has commitment issues but I'm a clean person with a high sex drive and this is turning me off to the point I might not get turned on again if he don't change.

There has got to be a nice way to approach this! What would you do?? I'm 28 and he's 34

View related questions: kissing, my boss, period, sex drive, shy, text

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (31 March 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntHonestly you don't need to tell him why you are ending it, but being short with him is just cruel and unnecessary. Meet up with him and be quick and to the point. Tell him it is not working for you, you don't feel a connection and you want to end things. You don't need reasons and you don't need to explain yourself. He is 34 you are not going to change who he is, and why on earth would you want to be with someone who you don't even want to kiss?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2017):

You shouldn't worry yourself about him wanting to try and have a second chance. This is your life and you are in control. The guy is 34 years old, he isn't going to suddenly change now, and even if he did how long would it last before he's back to his old ways and in his old clothes?

Tell him simply that you do not see a romantic relationship with him, you don't need to say your sorry or whatever because it just sounds a bit feeble. I would say:

"Hi X, as we have been getting to know each other more I realise I don't see you and me as having a romantic relationship. We have had some nice times and unfortunately there's nothing you can do or I can do to change my feelings. I just see you more as a friend."

2 months together is not a long time and he shouldn't expect more of an answer, sometimes people just don't click in a romantic way and that's it. If you start to list reasons, such as his hygiene or not having a car sorted it's all stuff he can counter-argue to try and win you over. He could start saying 'but I'm looking for a place/I'll fix the car up this week etc...'. Even if you do get pressed into saying something like that, I would just repeat that you can't force chemistry between people or a connection to happen that just isn't there for you.

You may be able to remain friendly, but it'd probably best for his sake that you say it's best to move on and not contact each other. Say Hi if you see each other or whatever but I wouldn't stay friends on Facebook or other social media. Most break ups are hard but people move on. Very rarely someone turns out to be a bit mental, so be wary of your own safety and that he's not turning up at your house or work, not frequently contacting you and if for any reason he seems to show he might turn nasty just let a friend or family member know initially. If he makes you feel scared at any point just tell the police. Shouldn't ever come to that but it's always good to be on your guard.

I actually felt sick that someone could make bedsheets smell, you can't compromise hygiene and it's best you say it's not working now than let more time pass and he gets more attached to you and the break up would be even harder.

Best of luck

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (21 March 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI'd tell him that you have thought it over and come to the conclusion that you don't feel the two of you are a good match long term and that you don't want to string him along.

I think that is a "good enough" reason to want to end it after ONLY two months.

If he ASKS for specifics after that, well there is the - YOU still live with family members and I prefer someone more independent. Or a simply and HONEST - I find your lack of hygiene a turn-off and I don't expect you to change but it's not something I can condone in a partner either. It all depends on how much YOU want to tell him and how much he asks.

After that, FEEL free to block him, delete him and remove him from your life.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2017):

I'm OP. No, I haven't because he lives with a family member. I have my own place so I just pick him up and bring him here. Because he don't live on his own is another reason I don't understand his lack of clothing.

I'm ready to end it as my mind has been made, but still trying to think of how I should go about it. He just seems kinda attached and I allowed that because I hadn't noticed his cons I guess. Don't think falling off the face of earth is an option, but he's going to want a reason otherwise and I just dread that question at this point. It's definitely common courtesy to shower before and during a weekend with your girl and I feel like he kinda tried to lie about a shower last time we hung out because he said he was getting a shower before he came and showed up wearing that same dirty outfit. I worry he'll insist on a second try with intentions of faking it etc. Tough spot. I've been short with him all day today but he still casually texts me attempting to small talk, but I know he's expecting it deep down. Gosh I really don't want to hurt a nice guys feelings but how do you neglect yourself like that?!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (21 March 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI actually forgot to ask OP, have you been to his place? Is it nasty too? My guess is yes, which is another layer of being unhygienic.

I can't imagine living with a person who is a total slob, with their home AND person. I can't even imagine dating one.

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A female reader, Campari Milano United Kingdom +, writes (21 March 2017):

Either tell him he needs to wash or it's over; or just ditch him. You haven't mentioned anythng he's bringing to the relationship.

Always remember the expression, 'It is better to have loved and lost, than live with a psycho all your life!'

That applies to hygeine too!

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (21 March 2017):

chigirl agony auntSeriously, you sound a bit desperate if you are willing to date a guy and have him sleep over when you dont even like to kiss him. What is the point in having him over? Just to be able to say you have a man? Being single sounds a lot better. I say reise your standards and hold out for someone you actually want to have next to you in bed.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (21 March 2017):

mystiquek agony auntOP, you aren't being too picky. Its just common sense and most people actually do like to be clean, wear clean clothes and smell nice. You aren't asking for too much. The bottom line is that although this guy might be nice, he's a pig. He's lazy and doesn't care about being clean or neat. As Honeypie said, most people by the time they are in their teens KNOW when to take a shower, change their clothes, use deodorant ect. I can't believe this man doesn't know..its more like he doesn't care and its just not important enough to him.

I too felt a little ill when I read that your brand new sheets smelled so badly after he slept in them. YUK..I mean really????

I'm not sure how you can approach his "problem" politely. You've already tried that and he just plain out ignored it. TBH, I think you would have to be very direct. You can try being diplomatic but honestly how many ways can you say "Please take a shower, change your clothes"??? I seriously doubt if he will take the news well, no matter how kindly you try to address it. You also need to consider that if he does "clean himself up" long will that last??? A few days? a few weeks? I mean..the man has to REALLY want to change.

Just a personal note ex husband is like this to the extreme. I will point out that he is also an alcoholic but he is disgusting beyond belief so trust me, I know how you feel. My ex husband will go WEEKS without taking a shower, DAYS without changing his clothes. He smokes and drinks and doesn't use deodorant or wash his hands. His hands are extremely nicotine stained. He came over once to see our son and we invited him into the hot spa. He changed into trunks and got in to the spa. Right after he got in, I started seeing little pieces of skin floating in the spa....I started to gag and had to immediately excuse myself from the spa before I puked. Now THAT is DISGUSTING! Needless to say, the visit was cut short, spa was drained and scrubbed and he was NEVER invited to use it again. GROSS!

I can't tolerate filthy and lazy people in dealing with their hygiene. Its only been 2 months.. drop him honey. He isn't worth your trouble or disgust!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (20 March 2017):

Honeypie agony auntSorry OP,

THIS is who he is. He is "dirty Dan" and not in the macho kind of way. Personal hygiene is something people KNOW by the time they are in their teens and while they may not be "super" into all the time, by their 20's they do it because they, in turn, appreciate it in others.

Your NEW clean sheet STANK after he slept in them? HOW gross is that? I mean I'm just throwing up a little in my mouth here.

I AM a neat and clean freak - hubby showers when he comes home from work and DO NOT climb into bed being all stinky from work. I shower after workouts always.

He is 34!!! And he wears the same shirt over and over? He isn't very responsible when it comes to working, he doesn't have a car and he doesn't pay when you go out, not even halfsies? You don't want to kiss him or have sex with him because he actually grosses you out?

It seems to me that you have got your hands on a "fixer upper" so you are basically dating him because he is the "lesser evil" of guy you have dated so far. You are dating him with the intentions that IF ONLY he would start being hygienic it could work out.

You can bring it up and he will probably turtle up and get his feelings hurt.

Or you can simply accept that he is a GROWN ASS man who should KNOW how to change his shirt, take a shower and brush his teeth. YOU are not his mom. This should come almost NATURALLY. If he hasn't learned that by now, I don't think it will.

And no, I don't think he is shy about using your shower, I think he has no sense of smell when it comes to his own body odor and generally lacks common sense.

Sorry, it's only been 2 months - I'd end it and move on.

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