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Perfect relationship apart from the forced celibacy!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Love stories, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 April 2010) 7 Answers - (Newest, 24 April 2010)
A male United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

My GF and I have been together for six years, I love her so much she is my best friend and I am hers. We do everything together, joke around around, travel, camp, hike, nights out in the city, you name it we do it. Everyone who knows us says that we are one of the happiest couples ever. But the problem is we DO NOT have sex anymore. Months go by if I do not say anything about. She used to LOVE to dress up in Lingerie and role play, and I thought can this be real? did I find my dreamgirl. I am very romantic, and have tried everything, we have talked and she cannot give mean answer. Like we can have the most perfect date night(yes I plan date nights for us) When we get home we snuggle and she tells me how much she loves me etc.. But that is it. I want a family and to marry her and she knows it. But I cannot marry her if I am never goign to have sex again. DO I need to move on? I do not want to, but I do not want be in a sexless relationship...

View related questions: best friend, move on

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A female reader, EbonyBlossom United Kingdom +, writes (24 April 2010):

EbonyBlossom agony auntWhen you've talked to her about it, what is it you've told her? Have you told her about your feelings rather than just asking about hers?

Maybe you should see a sex counsellor. Or maybe sex with you two became a routine and she got bored. You could try spicing things up a bit. Buy a copy of the karma sutra and leave it on the bed. Seeing it might get her in the mood and it'd give you more positions to try =]

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2010):

I don't think it is fair for someone not to have sex with their partner and expect them to be faithful to them. Having sex is an important part of life and no-one should be expected to commit themselves to a life of celibacy. Even priests don't end up managing it half of the time and they have strong religious convictions on the subject.

It is good that you have talked about it, but the important thing is that she hasn't given you an answer as to why, therefore there is no way for you or her to solve the problem. I suspect there is an answer, but she just doesn't want to hurt you, but constant rejection is also very hurtful. Before you break up with her you need to get to the bottom of this mystery, as you might be able to solve it.

If she really will never have sex with you again, you should ask her how she would feel if you have sex with someone else but stay in a relationship with her. I doubt this can really work out, but maybe she will be shocked into realising what she is doing. At the end of the day, it is hard enough for people to remain faithful even if they do have sex, if they also have to be celibate - it's just not realistic. Maybe when confronted with the stark reality she will become more motivated to resolve the problem.

This is something that is very sensitive and needs to be approached very carefully. I think it is something that is worth going to a relationship therapist about. Then you can work around these highly delicate issues in a more controlled environment.

Don't marry her until you have a resolution on this, otherwise you will just end up getting a divorce.

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A male reader, escribanus New Zealand +, writes (23 April 2010):

escribanus agony auntWell, maybe you have became friends almost family. If it is true... Keep friendship and break with her in order to find another woman that feels sexually attracted to you. You can also look for a nice mistress (an affair), so you can keep having a nice platonic relation at home and a steamy relation out of home.

In you place, I would make her believe that there are another woman flirting with me, that she is pretty and that I think she wants to have sex with me. The treat of competition can work miracles.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for all your responses:

1. We have sat down and talked, she cannot give me an answer of why she does not like sex anymore, and why she does not like wearing lingerie. I asked her if I had done something that made her feel uncomfortable. Her answer is always no.

2. I do respect her choices, but I do not want to be in a sexless relationship just the same.

3.A little heated response? Anyway, because this has been a problem for sometime, she is very well aware of my intentions. I already have a ring etc. I have talked about our future more than she does. She says she wants the same things, but does not really show any change in the one area.

That is why we are not engaged.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010):

Have you tried talking about it with her have you even brought it up. You need to tell her striaght and have a discusion, and I agree with the poster that asked why is she not yet your fiancee.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010):

I don't think you should move on. From what i can tell, you have a great strong relationship but you have a problem, which all relationships do. If you really love her and want to marry her then you should stick it through, you shouldn't give up. Maybe she feels that now she should wait until she is married to have sex again. Even though some women have already had sex some come to a point where they don't want to just have sex anymore but actually wait from then on. But the best way to find out why is to actually sit down in private when you know you'll have a lot of time together and actually talk it through and see her side of the situation.

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (23 April 2010):

YouWish agony auntWhy haven't you asked her to marry you? why is she your girlfriend and not your fiance?

My guess is that your GF is thinking that you won't commit and is therefore starting to physically and emotionally withdraw.

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