A
male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:People seem to make a distinction between loving someone, and being 'in love' with someone, yet i can't seem to see what people mean.is just the difference between how you see a parent and your gf, say? so if someone says they love their gf, but aren't in love with her, are they saying they really care for her and see her as a best friend, but just don't feel a spark with her?Cheers in advance to anyone who clears this up for me!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2007): This is what I think: Being in love is a condition. Loving is an action. Being in love usually describes what is happening to you. Loving usually describes what you do about it. There's nothing wrong with being in love. But what you do about it is most important.
Being in love is a state of mind when a person is pre-occupied with someone. Being in love can be a caring experience, but only if it is a stage you pass through. If you become stuck at "being in love", you'll likely try to manipulate the other person to care equally as much for you, whether or not they really do. A forced relationship is seldom a healthy relationship. There's a fine line between persistent and harassment. From my experience, the more you force yourself on someone else, the less likely the other person s feelings of affection will be permanent. Brainwashing a person to love you doesn't work, in the long run.
Immature love is needy love. Some people aren't in love with a total person, even though they describe themselves as being in love with that person. They are usually in love with their image of that person; an image based more on their own emotional needs than on the person.
When someone breaks up with someone, they often say to me, "I can't live without her". But, if a person thinks he "can't live" without another person, he is denying his own need to love and respect himself. What others think about you is nice. What you think about yourself is what counts. Depending too much on someone else for your good feelings isn't a healthy way to live.
Mature love moves from a feeling of being in love into showing love in different and changing ways. Loving involves consideration, patience and acceptance. People who get stuck at "being in love" tend to act the opposite. Instead of being considerate of their partner's needs they want their own needs met, first. Instead of being patient they are impatient if their demands and desires aren't met. Instead of being accepting, they try to control their partners' behaviors and emotions.
Loving involves giving, but to the extent, and degree, that someone else wants to get. Forcing your affections on someone is not affectionate or loving at all. True love occurs only when people move from the experience of being in love to expressing that love appropriately and maturely. With love, like many other things in life, it is better to give than to receive, as long as the gift is desired by the other person.
Lisa
A
female
reader, Enzian  +, writes (29 April 2007):
 I try to explane you what I have learnt about different aspects of love:
- Falling in love just happens to you. You can't really controll it yourselfe. It is like beeing on drugs. The hormones in your body tell you what to do and are reigning your feelings. It's a chemical reaction or emotional response. This is fun and can create amazing feelings! You can compare it with beeing drunk. The alcohol in your body makes you happy and you can forget your problems. So whe you fall in love you are infatuated in that person. Your can forget all around you and your feelings and cogitations can be only with this person.
- Real, deep, solid love is different. It is the decision to want the best for someone and to make this person happy. If you decide to love the other person, you put this person on the first place in your life. For this, you must to know this person personally. You also need to know the ontherones quirks and to accept them.
If you truly love someone then you respect this person for who he or she is. You love the person itselfe and not the great dream of it. You don't want to change the person, but accept every bit of it. You don't have to agree with everything, but you can life with it. Misunderstandings are allowed and you may have some arguments, but even then you love the other person wholly. You can talk about everything and share your innermost thoughts and worries and there is a mutual understanding (or at least you try to understand the reverse side and accept it). Everyone can really trust the other one. Noone needs to wear a mask and both parts can be theirselfes and don't need to dissimulate.
- The feelings of a real, deep, solid love are different to the feelings of falling in love, and you don't allways feel anything. But the cheerful feelings will come back again. This is not always the case with the feelings of falling in love. This feelings you will only have a few month or maybe a year or two. They disappear and they will not come back in the same form. But that doesn't matter, because to really and deeply love someone has a much bigger dimension!
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A
female
reader, ariel +, writes (29 April 2007):
 When someone says they love their girlfriend but are'nt in-love with them they mean they have lost their enthusiasm to project that love.
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A
female
reader, rammsteinfan  +, writes (28 April 2007):
 Loving someone...that is the feeling that you have for a close friend, your children, your parents.
In love with someone....that is the spark, chemistry...the feeling that makes your heart do flip-flops! I hope that this will help you out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2007): Hi the only way i can explain how i understand it is: im in love with my man, and i love my brother in law, We'd never do anything because were not in love but it doesnt stop me being loyal to him or feeling closer to him than the average person i love him like i love my closest girlfriend.Its nothing compared to how i feel for my man but its still love. hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, cd206 + ♥, writes (28 April 2007):
 Yeah, I think you used a good analogy by comparing a member of your family and someone you're attracted to. Love is a deep affection for someone whereas being in love with someone requires a spark between the two people as well.
CD
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A
female
reader, say_anything +, writes (28 April 2007):
"if someone says they love their gf, but aren't in love with her, are they saying they really care for her and see her as a best friend, but just don't feel a spark with her?"
i dunno if this helps but i agree with you.that's always what i take the distinction to be.
xx
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