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Partner with intense chronic pain.

Tagged as: Health, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 December 2010) 2 Answers - (Newest, 31 December 2010)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I'm in a dedicated relationship with a wonderful man. We've been together for two years now and plan to get married and start a family later this year. I really struck gold with him - he is everything I could want in a relationship except one thing:

He has chronic pain. Most days he ends up curled up in the bed near tears because his legs, arms, shoulders, neck, and back hurt. He has had this condition since he was 12 and doctors have been unable to diagnose his problem. Due to red tape within the medical industry we can't get him any medical attention at all right now, and his pain is worse than it has ever been before.

We both have very strong sexual appetites and as you can imagine, this has put a huge halt to our sex life. We have not had sex for two months even though we both want to every day. Even when he's doubled over in pain and I'm rubbing his arms and legs to try to give him some relief from the pain we both get incredibly turned on just from touching. We have not had sex that has satisfied both of us for over a year. He pushes himself and ends up hurting himself more than he already is to satisfy me, and it breaks my heart every time and ruins the entire experience.

I really don't know what to do. Sex is a very important thing for both of us, but we have tried different positions, having sex with him on painkillers, and even mutual masturbation and just watching porn together. Nothing works and neither of us are satisfied because we know what we could have and we simply can't get that anymore.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010):

"plan to get married and start a family later this year"

Full stop, right now.

"doctors have been unable to diagnose his problem"

No, doctors don't have this type of problem, I can tell you from personal experience.

You don't marry, and you don't have children, in this type of circumstance until this guy gets his act together and gets treatment for his issues. If you do, then your children will pay, their children will pay, and this will go on for generations.

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A male reader, LazyGuy Netherlands +, writes (31 December 2010):

LazyGuy agony auntShit happens. Tomorrow you could slip, break your neck and be a vegetable from the neck down.

What do you do when "for better or worse" becomes worse. The answer might not be the one you rooted for when you saw the tv special. Everyone knows that chemo therapy causes hair loss but hey, your gf might look like Sinead o'Conner. Pity then that it also kills sex drive completely. How many relationships are ready for that?

If the pain is chronic and been with him since 12 then it is probably going to be like this for the rest of his life. Can you deal with it? Not the answer you feel you have to say, just the god damned honest selfish truth? Can you spend the next 70+ years without ever having sex again. Ever.

Some couples that go through this come to an arrangement, the partner has an affair. But this rarely works out. People are more selfish then they want to be.

What is it you want out of your life. Honestly. So that whatever the choice is you make, you don't regret it bitterly in say 10 years.

Because you two want kids? Then they would add a whole new layer to it. How would kids feel in a family were mommy resents daddy for trapping her. Or mommy goes out to get her need filled every thursday by Uncle Frank? Were daddy resents mommy for pretending to be the saint who sacrificed her live for him and constantly reminds everyone of it?

What you might do is seek contact with a support group of partners of patients. It isn't only the patients that need support.

I myself got help ages ago when caring for my mother dying from cancer. It was new at the time but I needed someone to talk to just as much as she did. You might benefit as well by being able to talk to other partners caring for a partner.

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