A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time, but my parents do not like him. I come from a very conservative Argentinian family and they always see him as not being good enough for me. He has made wrong choices before regarding drugs. I think he was just experimenting seeing as how he has never had a close family bond. His parents divorced when he was young, and he got kicked out by his stepparent during his teenage years. After that, when we graduated high school, we were going to the same college but he dropped out because he was starting to smoke marihuana, while I stayed in school. We broke up then because we drifted apart, and he started dating someone else. I was really upset by this, and my parents knew. We were both younger then but we still had feelings for each other when we got back together about a year and a half ago. My parents and I moved to another state and he followed me 5 months later, because we didn't like a long distance relationship. While he was here, we had a really good relationship. We understand each other, we have fun and are best friends. He is so sweet and smart. Even though he had not finished college, he loves to read about politics, science and psychology. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that I was his true love. My parents seemed to accept him more, so they let me go out more, but they complained that he needs to talk a little more, that he was so quiet. I told him about this, but my boyfriend said it was because he was afraid of talking to my dad. He decided to join the army because he wanted to make something of himself and for us. He said one of the reasons was for our future because he wants us to get married, and he doesn't want his future kids to look as him as a pothead. So before he joined, he quit cold turkey, and is happy about it and his family is very proud of him.The thing is, he never spoke to my dad about him leaving, and never asked a direct permission to leave some of his stuff at my house with my dad, even though I told him it would be okay. My dad says my boyfriend rarely makes a lot of conversation, but he is polite when talking to them. My boyfriend and I were planning to see each for his army christmas break but because my dad says he never wants to make conversation, more than small talk, my dad changed our plans and demanded that we go to visit my grandparents that live in another state. I can understand this since my mom had some health complications a month before and wanted to spend more time with her family, but still, I think they should respect some plans that me and my boyfriend made. For this, my boyfriend is more upset than ever, and says that my parents treat him like shit, and that he is not going to forget about what happened. He says my parents should realize that he loves me enough that he has been putting up with it for many years, that they treat me like a kid, and that they are the main reason why we have problems in our relationship. They just think he is a bad guy and that he does not love me enough to talk them and given them security as if something was to happen, like if I was to get pregnant, they think he is not going to assume responsibility.Part of me thinks my boyfriend is right, but because I was brought up in two cultures, I think my family are right in a way. My boyfriend has never went the extra mile to get my parents to like him. I do not mean to compare him to an ex, but my ex was open to communication and won my parents by the time they met him, even though they do not speak english very well. I tried telling my boyfriend that if he talked to them more, things would get better, but he is really stubborn and will not listen. I asked him to do it for me, but he wont. He says he is hurt and there is nothing worse he can do, because my parents already think he is not good enough for me. He also says that we should not break up just because my parents make it impossible for us to see each other, and that I should fix this situation since they are my family. I keep telling him he should call my dad, but he says he does not like him and until he lets me see him more, is not going to change. He would much rather speak to him in person, but I say that it will not be for a long time since he is in the army! and far away. Now Im planning to visit him in his base during the day, since he is not allowed to leave and spend the night outside his barracks. I doubt my dad will let me go, since he would say my bf should come here instead. "The man should make the effort, not the girl". I dont think its a matter that my bf does not want to, is that he cant avoid bed checks.Im sorry to make this so long, but I love my boyfriend very much and I can't imagine my life without him. I think my parents need to realize that I am not like them, but I am torn and dont know what to do. Are my parents or my boyfriend right? Please help!!!!
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best friend, broke up, christmas, divorce, drugs, got back together, long distance, my ex Reply to this Question |
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all yor help!
A
female
reader, bitterblue  + ♥, writes (10 January 2008):
 Dear, you are a MEDIATOR in this situation, between your boyfriend and your family. A mediator must be diplomatic, have tactfulness. If you transport your father's precise words to your boyfriend - that are not flattering to him, and vice versa, then you can't expect your boyfriend to call your father and strike up conversation. This situation has become a "pride fight." When the parents changed your plans on that occasion, you should have explained to your boyfriend in other words than "because my father thinks you never want to make conversation." Such reason is injuring his pride. You should encourage your boyfriend to be more open and communicative with your parents NOT because your parents DEMAND so, but because "I know how wonderful you are, but I want my parents to know also." And talk to your parents as well. Explain them, as a good mediator, that your boyfriend perhaps is not used to a family gathering and the specific atmosphere, his family being disunited, ask them politely for them to help you secure a caring, warm atmosphere for you and your partner. Tell them the communication will most certainly improve in time, if he does not feel pressurised. Tell them how your partner decided to join the army in view of making his future children proud of him. That is admirable, not necessarily the aim itself, but the fact he SETS aims! Praise him to your parents. Talk of his qualities. Talk to your boyfriend of your good memories related to your parents. Be an emissary of kindliness between the two parts and avoid bringing either suggestions or claims from the other part. If you do this however, sugarcoat and collaborate the suggestions with solutions. Your role in this story is to be the peacemaker. You can do it. Of course, it may take time, encounter rigidness, become frustrative, but it is worth trying. You will always need your parents for advice, related to housekeeping perhaps, or babysitting your children when you are unexpectedly withheld at work on a Friday evening, ETC. It is not recommendable to avert them... All the best.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (10 January 2008):
 Neither of them are right . They should each compromise and reach a solution for your sake. But it is easier said than done. Since your b/f have inferiority complex, it is difficult for him to bow to your parents.But if your b/f is really serious about you and love you , he should try his very best to walk that extra mile for you.Apparently his love for you is not deep enough and he won't do it. It is like take it of leave it .
You are torn in the middle.It looks like you have to decide who is more important .It is your life and your future.Your b/f has a very strong independent will .
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