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Our mismatched sex drives are making me wonder, "Are we normal"?

Tagged as: Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 May 2005) 8 Answers - (Newest, 22 September 2008)
A , *ces writes:

Making this short, I've been with my girlfriend for 3+ years and living with her for 2+ years. We are both early 20s. I have a very high sex drive and she has a pretty low one. She will get 'sore' after 15 minutes or so, or she definately will if we go for a second time within 3 or so hours. Is this normal? I think of sex as adults playing. I want to play often (at least once a day), and every once and a while for a few hours, is this normal? Is there anything that we can/should do to fix this? Or do we just have to live with our differences.

Any comments? Help?!

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A female reader, Diana the Huntress United States +, writes (22 September 2008):

Soreness is no joke for a lady and can make not only sex uncomfortable but can also cause her pain when urinating for several days.

I recommend a scientific approach:

1) Foreplay. Some women require more stimulation prior to intercourse than others as a general rule. Make sure you know her erogenous zones and really spend time "getting her ready", and not just going straight for penetration. At least 15 minutes of fondling, deep kissing, slow massaging etc. Make sure you ask her gently what she wants.

2) Women have cycles. Just prior to and during our menstrual times, we can be drier than usual. For these times, my lover and I always keep a little water based lubricant around. Remember, oil based lubricants can cause bacterial infection in women (not in men).

3) Medical check-up. If tenderness still exists having covered points 1 and 2, make sure she has had a check up with her gyno recently. Yeast infections, chlamydia and other infections of the female genitals will persist causing both of you a bad time, and are bad for the health of BOTH of you.

4) Talk. Alot. Gently. Intimately. And don't become scared of her just because sex has not been working out as well as you'd like. Explore both of your feelings about the situation and make resolving the problem a cause for further intimacy.

Good luck and let us know what happens!

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A female reader, Diana the Huntress United States +, writes (22 September 2008):

Soreness is no joke for a lady and can make not only sex uncomfortable but can also cause her pain when urinating for several days.

I recommend a scientific approach:

1) Foreplay. Some women require more stimulation prior to intercourse than others as a general rule. Make sure you know her erogenous zones and really spend time "getting her ready", and not just going straight for penetration. At least 15 minutes of fondling, deep kissing, slow massaging etc. Make sure you ask her gently what she wants.

2) Women have cycles. Just prior to and during our menstrual times, we can be drier than usual. For these times, my lover and I always keep a little water based lubricant around. Remember, oil based lubricants can cause bacterial infection in women (not in men).

3) Medical check-up. If tenderness still exists having covered points 1 and 2, make sure she has had a check up with her gyno recently. Yeast infections, chlamydia and other infections of the female genitals will persist causing both of you a bad time, and are bad for the health of BOTH of you.

4) Talk. Alot. Gently. Intimately. And don't become scared of her just because sex has not been working out as well as you'd like. Explore both of your feelings about the situation and make resolving the problem a cause for further intimacy.

Good luck and let us know what happens!

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A reader, becky05 +, writes (7 July 2005):

What you want sounds normal enough to me.

If your girlfriend is getting sore, there may be an underlying reason, eg; vaginal dryness. This can be quite common and helped by the use of a lubricant. If the problem continues she should see her doctor.

Try different things during sex and try to keep it interesting.

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A reader, pops +, writes (29 June 2005):

I think she should check with her doctor to see if the dryness is not related to some medicine she is taking, or some medical condition she has. Most early 20's women do not suffer from this problem. Using lots of lubricant is the answer if it is the natural condition.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2005):

My boyfriend has a very high sex drive and I have the low one. It's not that I don't like having sex, it's just that sometimes I'm not in the mood. Maybe you guys can try different things insted of just sex. Maybe foreplay, or maybe when you want to play and she doesn't or can't, try and distract yourself. I hope that you guys can work out.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2005):

I think you guys should sit around and talk about it. Try to do foreplay so she doesnt get sore real quick. Try to make it fun so she doesn't think about the pain.

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A reader, helpfulhand +, writes (31 May 2005):

I think you should use a lubricant. This can make it slightly less painful, or you could get her in the mood by doing some foreplay for her. Remember you have to both enjoy it.

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A reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (31 May 2005):

Rebecca Batchelor agony auntMismatched sex drives is a problem that many couples encounter but it can be overcome.

The problem is that she may feel under pressure to have sex and this could be further reducing her libido. In theory, quality is better than quantity and it is this that you should seek to improve.

The fact that she gets sore regularly indicates that she may not be lubricated/aroused enough. Perhaps you need to spend a little more time in foreplay. Have you asked her what she wants and what she enjoys? That would certainly be the first step.

People also have different attitudes to sex. Sex can be like 'playing' but often in an adult relationship, it has a deeper, more loving meaning. This could perhaps be cultivated in your relationship whereby she feels loved and special rather than just there for sex. It is up to you to romance her; this is far more likely to get her in the mood.

Discuss with her what she wants, what she desires and how she feels. Lessen the pressure on her by compromising. Perhaps not sex every day, cuddles and kisses are also signs of affection and love. This will all help her to feel wanted.

I hope this helps.

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