A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. We have had our ups and downs. On occasion, I have had to walk away and take a "break," because the arguments become so personal and heated and so incredibly loud, and I cannot stand the insults any longer. Yesterday was one such day. He picked me up for church, and then spent 2 hours in the church parking lot badgering me about who I voted for in the presidential election. We did not vote for the same person, but I did not want to tell him. I used the excuses of "I forgot" and "We cannot discuss this" and "It was a personal decision and ballots are supposed to be private," but he said I was deceptive and "never" told him the truth. Then he started in on me because I am so deceptive that I won't even tell him how much my student loan is for [I have a masters degree] and he can never think of marrying someone who won't disclose her finances to him. Again, he said I was deceptive. I know good and well that even if the amount were a couple thousand, he would use that as an excuse not to ever marry me. He is that much of a tightwad, and he despises education.At one point, I cried in front of him. He complains that I never cry, and I definitely cried at that moment. Then he said it wasn't a real cry, and that my mascara wasn't running [I wear water proof mascara] and he saw no tissues, so it wasn't even a real cry.I am beyond hurt. He says he LOVES me and that should be enough for me, and he has bought me a lot of dinners over the past 3 years and asked for nothing in return, so that proves his love, plus he has worked on my house at times and hasn't asked for pay and that should prove his love too, but he says I am deceptive and he cannot marry me or even entertain the thought of it. But he loves me. He says he has never beat me up or touched me in anger, so that proves his love and what a great guy he is.He is at the end of his rope with me. I told him I am scared to tell him the answers to his questions, such as my student loan amount or who I voted for, because he will use those answers to criticize and judge me. He says since he doesn't hit me, I have no reason to be scared and I am being dramatic and deceitful.Please help me. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (18 November 2016):
 WOW, what a lousy TRUMP CARD! He says; “he LOVES you and that should be enough”!?
Well let’s review ‘HIS LOVE’; arguments become so personal and heated and so incredibly loud, causing you to walk away... He has bought you a lot of dinners over the past 3 years and asked for nothing in return... He has worked on your house at times and hasn't asked for pay... he says you're deceptive and he cannot marry you... he has never beaten you up or touched you in anger... and this should prove his love, what a great guy he is?
The votes are in OP, it appears unanimous you need another candidate, with whom you'll be stronger together
Take Care – CAA
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (15 November 2016):
 OMG! Get out! NOW!
This man is an ignorant bully and a tyrant. He will find every excuse under the sun not to marry you because he is an insecure selfish person.
PLEASE realize you deserve so much better. Find a man who shows you he loves you by making you feel good about yourself, not by buying you dinner and then saying that proves he loves you. That is just bullsh*t.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2016): Simply put, you're both incompatible. Taking your age-group into consideration; you've remained in this relationship for fear of a lack of options. Your age compels you to "stick it out;" for better, or for worse. Hon, that comes after marriage. It doesn't apply to thick-headed boyfriends.
The presidential-election has caused a lot of discord, violence, and dissension in America; and it is the ugliest I have ever seen. I have never seen so much evil in people.
I have never witnessed so much tolerance for bigotry and hatred. Promises of making America greater, yet embracing prejudice, xenophobia, and homophobia. How is accepting this stuff making our country better? Wow! It is what it is, I guess!
Who you voted for is your business. How much your student loans are, is also your business. Unless he plans to put it in writing he will pay them off with no further inquiry or concern about the size of the balance. Otherwise; it's a "nun-ya business" matter.
I can only assess this will only get worse. Of course marriage proposals don't come without promises and conditions. They shouldn't be matter a of negotiation based on you always agreeing with him, and disclosing every little detail of your life only for him to harshly judge you and berate you.
You're a mature woman. Life should have taught you well about what is good for you, and what isn't. Writing for advice about something that even a teenager could see isn't working, really makes little sense. Especially when a man thinks showing love is doing you favors. What about respect, equality, a right to privacy, and kindness?
Read your post, and tell me what you know you should do. You don't really need any of us to tell you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 November 2016):
 “He says since he doesn’t hit me, I have no reason to be scared and I am being dramatic and deceitful.” Bullshit.
That’s a bullshit argument and he’s a bullshit boyfriend and you are being bullshitted.
In other words, in polite English, you are being abused. Your abuser is telling you you aren’t being abused because he doesn’t physically hit you.
But what sane man would park his girlfriend in a church parking lot for 2 hours and badger her about a private choice?
What sane man would demand his girlfriend cry, and then when she did, state it wasn’t real?
Answer: an abusive bullshitter.
You need to get away from this man ASAP and as far away as you can.
Go to: http://www.thehotline.org
or call 1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
They have online chat help there as well.
The only way we can show we’ve helped you is if you help yourself. Get OUT NOW!!!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (14 November 2016):
 Wow, your boyfriend sounds rather like my ex. He always told me that because he never hit me, he didn't abuse me. There is physical abuse and then there is mental abuse. They aren't the same but both are very hurtful and both can cause damage. My ex husband would do things just like yours, badger me into
discussions just so he could poke fun at me, ect.
Sweetie, you are in my age range and you are mature enough to know that this isn't a good healthy loving relationship. I don't know if you are afraid of being alone and that is why you stay, or you truly love him and think he's not that bad??? Deep down inside though you know you need to get out. So take a deep breath and just leave. He isn't going to change you know...
You deserve far better than what you are settling for! Notice I say "my ex husband"...he was a jerk and tried to control me and my thoughts..and he is history...I hope you will love yourself enough to know you can do better than this man! Just because a man doesn't hit you doesn't make him a good guy!!!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 November 2016):
 Please you help yourself !
tell him that you owe 100.00 in student loans. Tell him you owe a million ! so hopefully he'll get scared and, run away , and let you free. Free of of voting whom you want, of crying or not crying as you see fit.Of being PROUD of your education. Free of being yourself and living your life in peace and dignity.
He is a tightwad, he despises education, he yells at you in public... and you want to marry him ? Why ?
This is not love; this is what , in his twisted mind, he may think it's love - but it's not. Love does not take frequent break just to be able to come up for air- love does not make you cower and be reticent ( what he cal" deceptive " ) and fearful of speaking your truth and showing your feelings. That's a sick kind of love- choose health, and refuse to be part of it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 November 2016):
 Sounds like he has decided that he doesn't want to marry you and he is now looking for excuses to justify it.
He is looking for a way out. He knows you want marriage and he is determined to NOT marry you.
The one being dramatic and deceitful is him. While I DO understand knowing your credit score or the amount of your student loan is kind of "normal" for most people to share before they tie the knot - just so the other person has an idea of the future finances. For your "bf" though - he wants to know so he can use it against you. Why?
He is looking for a way out. And he is looking for ammo to bully you with. For whatever reason, your "bf" gets a kick out of bullying you. He even made you cry and then promptly "disqualified" your tears as "not real" - which means he DISMISS you and your EMOTIONS as not important, ONLY his are.
For him, it's OK to bully you. That makes him a GOOD guy. Because a "bad guy" would hit you. OP, your BF is abusive but he is trying SO hard to convince you that he is a real prince Charming.
You know what to do. There is no future with this man, the relationship IS NOT healthy and he doesn't know what love is.
Love is NOT paying for dinners.
Working on your house in NOT an act of love. Especially not when he uses it in an argument. Sure he might NEVER have helped on your house if he didn't date you, but that doesn't mean he did it out of love.
This man is the kind of man who keeps score. Who is petty and abusive.
I get that you might care for him, but OP? YOU should start caring more about YOU than him and STOP taking all this crap he is heaping on you.
Life is short, why spend it with someone who TREATS you this way?
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (14 November 2016):
Hi and you already know don't you that he isn't going to marry you and I think you should be thankful .. now we don't know there could be other things that keep you with him and who am I to judge as your tolerance may not be mine ..so only you can judge as you have the whole story so to speak and we are only getting a snippet
My advice tell him .. raise your head high and say I voted for whoever you did .. I mean what have you to be ashamed off you voted for who you felt was the right candidate .. let people say what they want ..
Tell him what you owe .. He knows you owe anyway so why not just say and be done with .. If I were with someone I loved I would say .. let him say what he wants ..your being like water .. crystal clear .
If however being open doesn't change how he is .. then as a mental health .. I say walk away your mental emotional health are to great to put a price on them ..
Also does he want an award for not hitting you .. how in earth does he raise that ? may I ask the content of the conversation and how he slips that in .. as for me that's bonkers ..
Have you been physical abused before ?
Let us know what you decide you want to do ..I am only advising as you need to be strong .. your decision on anything are not wrong and if they are you deal with them none else .. so be proud of what you do ..who you vote for .. how you study .. and if he takes this information and cities you .. The tell him to Michael Jackson it .. and " beat it "
Chin up sweetie
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (14 November 2016):
Hi and you already know don't you that he isn't going to marry you and I think you should be thankful .. now we don't know there could be other things that keep you with him and who am I to judge as your tolerance may not be mine ..so only you can judge as you have the whole story so to speak and we are only getting a snippet
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (14 November 2016):
 Seriously? Because he doesn't hit you you should know that he loves you? I'm not sure what to make of that statement.
In a nutshell I'm gonna say you guys aren't right for each other. How could you threaten not being able to marry someone that you 'love' in an argument.
I think you know what you need to do
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2016): Honey, you know what you need to do. Really, you do. I wish I could offer some advice on how you can construct this relationship into something more positive, but from what you've said, it seems like this is simply his personality and he will not change. I have been trapped in relationships similar to this and at the time it is incredibly difficult to find the courage to get out, but in hindsight it has ALWAYS been the right decision. Please know that you deserve better than this. You need a partner that you can talk to openly and honestly without fear of judgment. Your partner should support you in all decisions, or at least understand and appreciate the decisions that you do make that he may disagree with. Please get out for your own wellbeing. It will never be easy to leave, but from my own experience, it sounds like this is the best thing for you to do.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (14 November 2016):
You said "Please Help Me"
I am very sure you know what you need to do. What part of this relationship sounds like a loving one?
Are you staying with him because you are afraid to be alone? You do realise he is not your husband right?
Boyfriends are meant to be replaced if they are the wrong kind of man you want in your life. Husbands are the ones you marry to keep in your life.
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