A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a 12 year old son. He dosn't show much interest in spending time with the family. His life revolves around computers, video games, and similar devices. We have tried installing firm and strict usage rules, and even downright a "ban" on computer usage, but it doesn't appear to help with his socializing skills/interest with the family. He is very quite in home, and doesn't much take part in conversations, etc. I haven't observed him with his friends, but reportedly he is OK and "normal" there. He is quite OK and "normal" with his sibling too. Note: we do *NOT* have a rigid or full or rules etc type family style. If anything, I'd say we are overly liberal and forgiving. Example: they still don't have regular chores assigned to them. We give them all the time they need (i.e. no neglection, etc.). Plus, very easy going life style in case you were wondering if he has any resentments or secrets hatreds/dislikes for how we might be treating him.What has really started to bother me is that he pays absolutely no attention and shows no care for important family events. For example, since his school has stopped getting them to make happy mother's or father's day cards, he doesn't care any more. Last mother's day, I had to remind him many times to wish his mother, and had to almost nag him all day for him to finally make a card for his mother at the end of the day. It was worded very nice, and said all the right things but it was so late that it kinda lost its touch and impact.This father's day, he totally forgot to wish me as well. Forgetting is OK. Even I forget important dates. But when reminded (which included his sibling giving me a card in his presence), he didn't do anything then either. His mother even said (trying to cover for him) that he was working on a card, and was just late. But half the day went by and still no wish and nothing. It was as if father's day is not even here. He did not show any care or appreciation.That has really hurt me.Any advice? Am I overreacting? What can I do to fix his social behaviour in home?
View related questions:
video games Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2015): it's possible that your son is just a smart kiddo who questions the purpose of commercialized holidays. He can celebrate you any day, so why make a card?
Video games and computers aren't bad in themselves. Who know, maybe he'll grow up to do that as his line of work. You might consider taking interest in his hobbies, rather than rejecting them as "abnormal".
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2015): Has he ever been tested for Aspergers Syndrom? a mild form of autism.
...............................
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (22 June 2015):
 We were terribly worried about our son when he was 12. His life seemed focussed on video games, and generally anything involving a screen. Then, magically, he gave his head a shake and got involved in the world. You can't MAKE them change -- it has to come from within. If you laid a good foundation, it will show sooner or later. But don't expect too much from a 12 year old. It's a very, very confusing age, and it's only normal for them to be self-absorbed.
I detest what I refer to as "Hallmark holidays" - artificial creations designed to sell stuff. I was pleasantly surprised when my kids sent me nice Fathers' Day texts yesterday, but I would never tell them I expect it. The only meaningful expressions of affection are the spontaneous ones -- that's what I treasure.
Personally, if I were you, I would re-think my expectations.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 June 2015):
 He is 12, for Pete's sake !
Thanks God that you are an easy going, laid back family with a relaxed parenting style...?!- still, you nag a prepubescent 12 y.o. boy into doing mandatory cutesy stuff and officially celebrating his feelings for you in ways that at his age and stage necessarily will feel awkward and forced to him- to celebrate ( or actually, to being paid formal homage ) on what is an invented commercial holiday anyway ??
That's tantamount to keep telling him : "c'mon, give daddy a kissie- kiss good night " every night before he goes to bed. It will feel cringe-worthy to him, and, if he does- it will be to be left alone and to keep his computer privileges ,not because he can't wait to let you know you what a great dad you are.
It's normal and healthy ( within certain limits, of course, that from your description your son is not exceeding at all ) in immediately preeten and early teen years , to pull back from family involvement, to seek privacy and psychological, if not factual, independence, and to shrink from overly open displays of affection. In fact, he is not at at the stage yet in which he'll seem to pick fights with you some times... over NOTHING at all. But that, may happen too. It's part of the normal process through which a child grows up into an adult , starts perceiving himself as his own person, his own entity , not just part of a family group,- he starts differentiating himself as an individual. To do that, which is an exciting yet also very SCARY process for a kid, he NEEDS to become - hopefully not oppositional or rebellious, although that happens to at times,- but certainly more aloof, more self referential, more " me first "- and definitely much less prone to public displays of affection on command , and at set , mandatory dates and times.
Every day- and particularly at your son's age - can be Father's Day, you just have to be able to read between the lines . A random, spontaneous , unsolicited hug or smile or " thank you Dad " will mean much more and tell you much more than 20 contrived and sort of extorted cutesy cards.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 June 2015):
 You may not remember since it was so long ago, but you were a lot like him. I'm a mom to a boy too (he's 15 now), and all of the obligatory stuff doesn't come naturally to them.
I don't do the card stuff with my son, primarily because I don't need someone to tell me which "day" my son has to show proper appreciation towards myself. In fact, I kinda hate it. That being said, my son randomly coming up to me during the day and giving me a hug means more to me than 1,000 Mother's Day cards. I refuse to nag or force my son to show affection. He can get self-absorbed at times like anyone else, but then I'll just tell him he's giving off signals that look like he's oblivious to everyone else.
My advice?
1. Have tech-free times in the house. Dinnertime, obviously. Movie night (we do that every Tuesday night. We all just watched Whiplash together...OMG that movie is AWESOME!!!) Stuff where EVERYONE turned off distractions like the TV. At other times, have tech-together times. Play video games WITH your son, like sports or Call of Duty or whatever.
2. When talking to him or asking him questions, NEVER ask the closed-ended questions if you want him to open up. Don't say "How was your day?" unless you want to feel like a dentist pulling teeth. Ask him what he thinks about a certain subject to spark conversation, or if you know tech or game stuff, ask him along those lines. Or if you want to knock him off-balance, give him a hypothetical scenario and ask him what his response is and why. THAT will get him to open up sure thing before he realizes he's supposed to be all moody. For example, say "Hey son. I have a question for you - who should receive a harsher punishment in school, someone who cheats on his final exam, or someone who steals from another student?" When he responds, ask "Why do you feel that way?" and only ask questions until he asks YOU which way you go.
3. I hate to say this, but if he's only acting this way towards you, there might either also be some hurt or resentment on his part as well, or something on the outside has traumatized or stressed him out. Listen to the "tells" especially if you're good at reading his expression. I always say that getting boys to open up is like opening a combination lock without knowing the combination. It's a lot of listening, a lot of patience, a lot of frustration, but opening it is really worth it.
4. Teach empathy. You're hurt because he didn't think of you on Father's day. Maybe talk to his mom about teaching him to put himself in someone else's shoes. There should be a "Happy Father's Day" even if there's not the obligatory home-made card. How would he feel if you forgot his birthday or Christmas? Pretty badly. Tell him that not just on these days, he should show affection towards his parents and family, and of course, you do the same. If he's walking by you with his head buried in tech, just hug him without warning and say "I love you" or "You're a great son".
5. GIVE CHORES! Why *wouldn't* you do that?? He's going to own a home someday, right? Do you think that will clean itself? Do you make him keep his room clean at least? What about dishes that he dirties? Pets? Vacuuming or dusting? Cleaning bathrooms? Have a family chore schedule! His future wife thanks you for that one.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 June 2015):
 He is 12, MANY 12 year old don't CARE about mother's day or father's day... Simply because it's NOT about them.
You say his life revolves around tech, so CUT the wi-fi and GO do things together, give him some chores, get out of the house WITH the family.
My kids baked a cake for Father's day, the youngest (11) made a card, the two oldest baked and decorated the cake (nothing fancy) but... if I hadn't mentioned it, they wouldn't have done anything. We don't really celebrate the "commercial holidays" in this house, but we DO spend time together. Weather was nice so we had a badminton "tournament" - and they all helped with yard work afterwards.
We (hubby or me) turn OFF the wi-fi if we feel they spend TOO much time on their tech. They really have no other option then join in.
Have a game night once a week or a movie night - make popcorn, have fun. Go the beach, park and fly a kite. Heck, BUILD one with them first. Yes, they might feel they are too old, but trust me once you get them out there running with a kite? they are all 6 years old.
Kids grow up WAY too fast and are WAY to attached to their tech.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 June 2015):
 I see two issues....
1. Your feelings are hurt because your son didn't do anything to recognize Father's Day.... and YOU.... and,
2. You (and wifey?) haven't done a darn thing to instruct this boy in social/family interactions.... and you're griping, here, because he doesn't have them? Look in a mirror....
Good luck.... It's late... but not too late... to get started.
...............................
|
