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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I have been on and off with this guy for a few years now. He's a great guy, he obviously has commitment issues. Do you guys ever hear or see an on and off relationship become solid? Or am I seriously wasting my time? Maybe it's the naïve girl in me that thinks we really have something, that's why we keep coming back to each other. Or am I the dumb girl who doesn't get it? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014): That's an easy one, OP. Why would he commit to anything solid to you when he knows you can't walk away?
He doesn't have commitment issues, he just knows you're never going to go anywhere so he doesn't ever have to make the commitment.
OP your mistake is that you make it too easy for him. While you're wrapped up in this beautiful fantasy of it must be fate because you keep ending up back with each other, he's just basking in the glory of sex on tap with a woman who just can't say not to him and will never demand anything more from him.
It's the perfect situation for a guy, OP. easy lay, never have to commit, say some sweet words about how amazing she is and she's hooked and never going anywhere.
Can people who were on/off make it work? In the movies they can, I'm sure the only reason you stay in this non-entity is because of that hope but it's been years and he literally has no reason to commit to you, he gets everything you have to offer anyway so why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? (I'm not calling you a cow, it's an idiom).
OP the very last option anyone has to see if a person is willing to commit is the chance of losing them for good, you don't even have that because you're never going to leave, and I'm sure you've said you were going to plenty of times. History has shown you can't stay away, so this is the best you're going to get.
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (21 April 2014):
 You are not dumb at all. You have just lost confidence in yourself. He is the "Known" as opposed to the "unknown". You have grown comfortable with him. You are available and convenient for him. If he found someone even more convenient then he would be out the door in double quick time.
If you were the one he would have committed to you and backed that up with action to demonstrate his commitment.
Go re-invent yourself by tackling your self esteem.
What do you want in a man?
Where do you want to be in five or ten years time? Doing what? Living where?
If you keep on with Mr Old-Shoe then will you reach those goals above or will you still be taking him back when it suits him? Never really advancing in the relationship towards a deeper commitment?
This has been my observation of many relationships I have seen for people I have known a long time.
Any guy can offer to live with you even after knowing a girl for 24 hours. But that sort of commitment cannot always be trusted. Such guys may move on in a week or a few months. And occasionally return to you if they have nothing better on offer at the time.
The sort of commitment (old fashioned though it may be) that I am talking about is a more solid commitment where the man knows that he actively wants to settle down with a girl and where he actively goes to the trouble of setting out a few things to ensure that the girl will say yes.
So apologies to those who never want a piece of paper to say that a guy has committed to a girl and vice a versa (aka marriage certificate).
Because the type of commitment I am about to talk about is one where the guy goes to a lot of trouble to gain agreement from the girl early on, as he sees her as a "settling down" sort of girl and not a short term relationship.
When a guy is serious about settling down he will start talking about it in the first year. Sometimes as early as after the first month or the first three months he may say that "you are the girl I am going to marry".
He will want to get a commitment in place before the end of the first year as you are so important to him that he does not want to lose you. By twenty four months if he has not already pressed you to set a date for the marriage then his interest may be waning.
Early on, after that first year together he will take steps to talk to you about his situation and be open and honest to you about his finances (and expect the same from you) and he will treat the commitment very seriously as this is the woman he wants to settle down with for all time.
When a guy is serious about settling down with you he will be quick to invite you to meet his family.
When a guy is not serious about you then you may never get invited to meet his family.
Though he will show you off to his friends if he regards you as a trophy worth boasting about to his friends. A trophy to put in his bed, and not much more.
Of course at any time you could break up. But a guy who is serious is likely to propose early and be impatient to take the commitment further.
He will not be beset with all manner of doubts.
A man in love feels that nothing can be an obstacle to marrying the girl he loves.
Faced with a guy who will not commit and has no intention of being committed to any girl, and not interested in a permanent relationship? Then Move on. Far better to be ruthless.
If a guy is still wasting your time after 12 to 18 months then why continue to be his available honey for his bed?
Sadly I have also seen guys who waste a girl's time for several years. Then they meet the "One" and within 12 months they are married to the "one" and within another 12 months they have their first child together. The first girl is just discarded without a second thought because to the man she is not "the one"
Use the 123 method
After one to three months he should be showing a higher level of interest and drop some major hints if not say outright that he wants to marry you.
Within the first 12 months if he is genuinely serious he should have proposed to you and been happy for the whole world to know.
By the end of the third year you should have been engaged, got married and be living in a home together happily.
A guy who is not in love will find every reason under the sun to not commit.
A guy who cannot commit is not for you. One day he will find the girl who he wants to commit to and then you will be discarded.
When you love someone one hour is like a minute together.
When you do not love someone then on minute seems like 10 hard to endure hours.
For a guy in love then nothing is too much trouble for his darling.
When a guy is not in love he will find many reasons to criticize and find fault with all manner of little things.
The trouble with staying around a commitment phobic guy too long is that he gets to enjoy your company and the benefits you can offer when you are at a point where you are very attractive.
But with each passing year a few more lines appear
When he finally discards you then you will find the market for a husband is far more difficult than it was earlier.
Why give up time to spend with a commitment phobic guy who has no intention of settling down with anyone just yet.
Another issue is that being unhappy or dis-satisfied with a relationship ages you. The sadness shows on your face.
Whereas I have noticed that a couple in love then tend to become so at peace and so relaxed and content and happy that it shows on their face and they look better for it.
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 April 2014):
 If it's been off and on for a few YEARS, why the need to change?
My guess is he is quite content with this arrangement. Or you are the security blanket for him and he is yours. You two keep breaking up and getting back together. Why ? Why the break up and then WHY go back to someone that you couldn't make it work it before? Do you guys break up over dumb stuff? Stuff you then choose to ignore instead of resolve?
It sounds to me that you two are in a routine and when you get bored (either of you) then the relationship is off. When you get bored with that you seek each other out, vow to do better, be better and get back together.
You are both wasting your time.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 April 2014):
 He doesn't have commitment issues in general he has them with you in particular because YOU ARE NOT THE ONE for HIM.
Oh he likes you... and you'll do in a pinch but you are not his be all to end all and as such you will never have a commitment with you.
He is with you till something better comes along.
at least that's my way of seeing it.
EVERY man I have ever known who proposed or married a woman will tell you that HE KNEW within the first three months whether or not they were going to be together. He may not have proposed, but HE KNEW.
If you ask a guy who you have been with a year or longer where it is going and he says "I don't know" what he means is "I know it's NOT you but you are good enough till the right one comes along"
"I don't want a relationship" means 'I don't want a relationship WITH YOU".
Examples:
my son met a girl in July. He KNEW by thanksgiving he was going to marry her. They just got formally engaged last weekend. Wedding in about a year...
MY husband... I met him at the ripe old age of 37 (his age) and when I met him he said "marriage is stupid" "I'm NEVER getting married" "who needs marriage" well three days before our destination wedding I said "we don't have to get married" but he wanted to... ask him and he will tell you... "marriage (and commitment) are STUPID UNTIL YOU meet the WOMAN you don't want to lose"
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 April 2014):
 Does the getting back together involve a lot of hot make up sex? Have you considered removing sex from the equation to see if he's back for you or for the sex?
I think you have the relationship you are going to have with this particular man. If you aren't happy with it then it's time to make a change. You can't change him, obviously, so the only one who can change is you… and you can choose to change right out of the yo-yo love life.
He doesn't have commitment issues, I'm sure he's just not interested in committing. I think you are wasting your time if you want a full-time devoted boyfriend. He's demonstrated he's not the one.
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