A
female
age
36-40,
*eadwreckedR
writes:I started an emotional and physical affair with a man I work with around this time last year. He started seeing someone about 3/4 months before me and him started talking. He's 15 years older than me,I'm 32 he's 47. We connected on a level I never knew existed,he opened up to me about everything,his ex wife,his 2 kids,his childhood,his insecurities,his feelings... I never had someone be so honest and open with him before. I quickly fell head over heels. I also feel into devastion and a mild depression too. He was having major issues with the gf and before anybody thinks of telling me the usual "he was only telling you what you wanted to hear" stuff,I believe every single issue he has had with her because he went into so much detail and has showed me texts on every occasion. These are never things you can just make up. They have broken up a couple of times and has obviously come to me each time. Thing is at this stage I know he won't ever leave her now and I know I deserve a lot more and someone who wants to be with me. So I've called off the whole sleeping together because I want to move on. Thing is,I just don't understand why he stays with her of he's miserable!! I've witnessed his misery and he's like that every week now. He's always told me he doesn't see a future with her,he doesn't trust her because of things she's said and did before, again things I know all about,and he doesn't see himself even introducing his kids to her anytime soon. We spoke the other day ,him saying he was an asshole to both me and her but he just constantly bitches and moans about her. He's not happy at all. I asked him why he sticks with her and he says he just doesn't know,he really doesn't. So why is he with her over me? He's always said he can open up to me,be myself with me,he can't do that with her. She's cold and harsh and he feels like he's walking on glass with her all the time. Me and him have incredible fun together,not even just sex but just hanging out and talking together. We constantly talk, constant texting and talking on the phone,I mean like about 10 hours in 5 days sort of phone calls. He told me he's much happier with me. He's told me he's not even attracted to her anymore and the relationship is more like a chore. Again,I believe him over this because he talks to me about EVERY SINGLE thing. but when I ask him why he won't leave her for me he just says it's not that simple,that if he met me before her we'd definitely be together and it's all down to bad timing. He keeps telling me he loves me and cares so much for me but I have broken this off a few times before and he will not just let me go,keeps saying he misses me too much and loves me. He remembers all that I say,even small things,he genuinely does love being with me and he constantly showers me with compliments and makes me feel amazing. Now I know with me,I suffer from low self esteem and I've started going counseling over it and that's why I know at this stage that he may care and love me but it's never going to be enough. I really think he is incapable of being in love. He's obviously not with her,he has tried so hard to convince me he loves me and can't understand why I don't believe him. I guess he just thinks he feels he is.... What does everyone think? Does he he love me in his own way? Does he think he's in love with me? Why is he staying with her? Again,this is not going to make a difference to the way I feel about him,I've called it off because I told him I'm not putting myself through this anymore and have realized nostter what happens,that he will stay. I guess I'm just asking out of curiosity and for my own confidence that it's not something I did or am that he's not leaving her for me...
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affair, confidence, ex-wife, I work with, move on, self esteem, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (17 January 2019):
 Let's hope so.
I wish you all the best for the New Year and your future.
Aim higher :)
A
female
reader, headwreckedR +, writes (17 January 2019):
headwreckedR is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust said I'd quickly update. We work in distribution and im the admin that has to text the lads with the orders during the day. Fortunately it's quiet right now so we're talking about 1 text at most per day. He does not have to text me back. He has still not spoken to me,at all and still seems to be angry over this. I know it's only been just over a week. Before when this happened he did try make communication in very small doses by even just texting me back on his orders for example. But this time it's completely nothing. I think he's finally understanding my request to leave me and let me go and move on....
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (12 January 2019):
 Either find a new job or stop contacting him for work. If you “can’t” stop contacting him for work, find a new job. If you don’t, you’ll cave in and waste your life.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 January 2019):
 I hope too you'll stay strong , but to be totally honest I doubt it, it just does not sound to me like you are making enough of an effort.
" I've been texting him, just necessary communication for work …" and he is not replying ?... To a NECESSARY-for-work communication ? Then how work is supposed to proceed ? Is he really so unprofessional that he would let his personal disappointments muck up your work project or objectives or whatever it is you at supposed to work on ?. Does he not know that you could ( and should ! ) report him to management / his higher ups for this lack of cooperation re: NECESSARY work communication ? At his age ,is he really so naive / inprudent ?... Uhm.
So forgive me for suspecting that you are engineering some way to still be in touch as much as possible, rather than as little .
Look, ultimately it's up to you, your choice - whatever works for you, but at least make it a willing ,conscious choice, don't pretend to yourself that you are slave to forces out of your control blah blah blah because it is not the case.
But you can't say in the same breath that you want to move on, and that you are expecting for him to come back to you soon. Because if you move on,you won't give him space / scope / way to come back. And most of all because if he does come back, so what- that should not matter to you. His problem, not yours; because by now you should have realized that if he does come back.. it's to give you more of the same. Same bullshit, same lies, same selfishness, same exploitation. Do you want more of the same ? Ok- your choice. But if your choice instead is moving on- ACT your choice. No contact . No misgivings . No rewriting history and no gliding over the fact that ,whatever he says, he is not single and not free.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 January 2019):
I hope you will KEEP putting yourself first. Even look for a new job so you can put him and the affair, the drama and waste of time in your past.
WANT more for yourself than be USED.
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A
female
reader, headwreckedR +, writes (11 January 2019):
headwreckedR is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've cut all communication with him since Monday this week. It was very hard to do,he kept texting me going hot and cold with his texts saying he loves me so much,he lost his best friend and he doesn't know where this has all come from. I told him that I'm not the one,I need and want to move on and we can't be friends because he will never let me go. So he hasn't been in contact since,I've been texting him,just necessary communication for work, probably been about two times since. He's completely ignoring me and not texting back which is fine and what I expected. I'm finding it hard because we were extremely close and I miss him a lot. And also guilty because he was shocked I was ending the friendship as well as everything else. Ive been in tears all week, especially when he comes into the office for a few minutes every afternoon and leaves without a word exchanged after everything. It's tough ... Thing is I'm expecting him to come back after me again at some stage soon. I just hope I'm strong enough to be harsh enough with him to keep his distance
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (7 January 2019):
 This is nothing but drama.
I read the whole thing thinking that it sounded like teenagers. 47 years old and he’s still stringing women along. How is it NOT SIMPLE to break up with someone he: Doesn’t love, isn’t attracted to and constantly bitches about? Can you not see how stupid that sounds? It should be the easiest decision he’s ever made in his life.
To cut a long story short, he’s full of shit. He wants you to stick around so he can keep sleeping with you AND his partner. He knows you love him and it strokes his ego. This scenario is so simple and I’ve seen questions posted like this hundreds of times. If he loved you so much how can he not split up with his partner for you? It makes absolutely zero sense. You offer no strings attached sex, you listen to him whining about how much he hates his missus and all he has to do for is it spin you a bit of bullshit and you’ve fell for it hook, line and sinker.
Block the guy from contacting you and move on. Next time find someone who’s single, cheating is the lowest of the low. How would you feel if someone was sleeping with your future partner behind your back? You both need to grow up and move on.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 January 2019):
" His tears were very real ". So they were- big deal. Spoiled children cry up a storm, and very sincerely, if they have to let go of something they want. Ever tried to tell a kid that he can't have both a donut and an ice-cream cone for dessert, he must pick either one ?
He cries because he is selfish, childish , entitled and he wants what he wants when he wants it. He wants to keep his cake and eat it too, - and you are spoiling this for him, so he cries. " His version of love ", as you say: which manly consists of his love for himself and his haytred of being deprived of his toys, indulgences and passtimes of which you are one.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (7 January 2019):
Why invite him over? He's a cheater - he deserves a text, not a phone call or a visit, where he can try to manipulate you into staying by crying.
You are an ego boost. You are a sex object. You are a bit on the side. To someone else, you will be an equal, a partner, the ONLY one.
Block him. Don't talk to him again. Don't allow him to visit. Don't entertain the idea of going back. Don't date people who aren't single. Learn from this and move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 January 2019):
So much drama, OP
What;'s the point? If all these TEARS really meant that he cared DEEPLY for you, why on Earth would he then keep you as a "mistress" or side-dish?
Yes, I can see him being hurt that you FINALLY have decided that you DESERVE more and that HE isn't the one for you. That you no LONGER want to be the chick on the side. So I can see him crying for HIS LOSS. He will now have to find someone new to see on the side OR fix his actual relationship.
The tears were for him. Not you. For your benefit but emotionally for HIM.
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A
female
reader, headwreckedR +, writes (6 January 2019):
headwreckedR is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI said I would update. I called him over and told him it was over like I said. What I hadn't mentioned was that he cried that night and it was very genuine the way he was with me. We said we'd still talk and be friends,which I know is wrong but can't see it lasting anyway. Last week he got upset on the phone when I told him I really wanted to meet someone and was looking forward to it. He got upset saying that I wouldn't want him in my life when that happens and I said we probably wouldn't be talking as much because I want to prioritise my relationship. So he was really off the rest of the day,and eventually told me that he's not going to be ok with not seeing me the way we were,he's not going to be ok with me meeting someone and going out with them so we should just end the friendship now,that it's the best thing to do, especially for me.seen as it was going to happen anyway. So when I got home,he asked me could we talk. I called him and we talked about it and I started crying and telling him this was all down to his choice,that I loved him and that he was right,we needed to cut ties. All of a sudden he broke down,and he cried and cried like I never heard a man cry before. He actually had to hang up he was crying that much,I called him back and he was still crying. He said he knows it's selfish but he can't let me go,he loves me so much and I'm the one that makes his day and him so much happier,he can't do it. So we agreed to be friends still but I know it's wrong. We spoke yesterday again about his relationship. He said he's not the type to walk away from a relationship,he was honest and said he hadn't the balls to do it. Now I know that's no good for me and I told him I'm not waiting around for him,he either wants me now or never does. I know our friendship will end pretty soon but I guess I'm just wondering,does he genuinely feel he loves me? His version of love? I spoke to my housemate about it and he said how could he not fall for me,we'd been talking all day and night for over a year now and he is really happy with me. I know that's not good enough for me,he's not going to leave her,I know that now. I'm just interested in knowing your insight on his feelings...his tears were very real and it shocked me to the core
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 December 2018):
Just keep moving forward. He made his choice long ago and it wasn't you.
Now you MAKE the choice to leave him behind and find someone SINGLE who ONLY wants to date you. Not juggle two women.
And then STICK to it, do not let him sweet talk you into seeing him again. Stand up for yourself.
If he is so miserable with her, that is his choice. You can't "fix" that by being the "mistress".
Good luck and remember YOU do have a say, you DO have choices. Saying no, is also a choice. Putting yourself first, is a choice.
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A
female
reader, headwreckedR +, writes (28 December 2018):
headwreckedR is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply Honeypie. You're definitely 110% right. I have spoken to him this evening and told him that it's done for good now. It's going to be a new year for me. I told him he's not the one for me and I'm looking forward to moving on to an actual relationship that I deserve. I have a lot to give and I do know what I deserve,it's actioning it has always been the problem for me but listening to others such as yourself has made me come a long way. I'm not there with my confidence yet and that's obviously why I let this man string me along but the thing is that I know what I deserve now. I'll get there eventually!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 December 2018):
Is it you?
Not necessarily, but you DO allow him to STRING you along while dating someone else, she might not. You didn't back off when he started seeing you and was STILL seeing someone else. You accepted the "mistress" position. Which is why you hold "only" the mistress position. You don't seem to value yourself as more, and neither does he.
As much PRAISE and COMPLIMENTS as he gives you, he still CHOSE to stick it out with the girlfriend. Why? For all her faults SHE is the one HE wants to be in a relationship with. NOT you.
Does he love you? I would say no. And here is why. You don't TREAT someone you love like side-dish. You don't string them along for a whole year. You CERTAINLY don't divulge relationship drama with the GF to the "mistress (you) either. UNLESS you want sympathy and to give the "mistress" false hope.
OP, STOP "selling" yourself short. END it. IF he REALLY cared as much as he claims about you... he would have CHOSEN you, he wouldn't have strung you along for a year.
Since you work together, it's going to be hard having no contact but I would advice cutting AS MUCH contact as possible (anything that isn't work related) and even looking for a new job elsewhere, so you can cut contact 100%.
You are going to continue to WASTE your life on a man who doesn't REALLY want you, if you keep seeing him. And then in 3-5 years you will STILL be the mistress and still feel like shit because he doesn't LOVE you enough to just BE with you.
OR .. his GF will have had enough and left... but HE will replace HER... but not with you.
OR you will be his GF and he will CHEAT on you with someone else.
He really isn't a keeper. You like unavailable men, because it means you don't have to work on betting yourself. Don't be the stereotypical neurotic "mistress" who refuses to see the truth for what it is.
TAKE some responsibility for yourself, you life and your choices. I bet you wouldn't want YOUR BF/partner/husband to be cheating on you. So why do you agree to cheat with someone who HAS a partner already?
Do you really see continuing with this man will help your self-esteem? My guess is no. Your self-worth will keep dropping until you hit bottom, if you haven't already.
END it, cut contact and WORK on yourself. Learn to LOVE you. So others CAN love you too, instead of just use you.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (28 December 2018):
You’ve been gullible and lied to. Don’t “date” married people. It’s as old as time and there are plenty of examples on here. I’m sorry, OP, but it’s the very high risk you take when you get into an affair.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2018): "Thing is,I just don't understand why he stays with her of he's miserable"
Because he isn't miserable. He only sees you when he is miserable, but then he gets happy again and the other woman clearly is someone he wants more than you. So she gets to see him all smiles and happy. While you only get his misery. So of course you think he's miserable all the time, but that's just because he knows he gets sex with you if he puts up a sad face.
The question is rather: why do YOU stay with a miserable man who only gives you his left overs? I think thats a far better question. The sex is good? Well, the sex he has with his girlfriend is probably crazy good then, since he's staying with her and not you!
You said you broke it off. Good. Make sure it stays that way. Its not difficult to end a relationship With somene. He's not married to this other woman, he doesnt have kids with her. Its EASY to end it, if he wanted to. He just DOESNT want to end it.
I bet if you called her and asked how her relationship is doing, she's having a ball and a great time and has no idea they apparently argue so much...
I know you want to believe him, because it sounds so lovely. But always look at ACTION and not WORDS. It is not difficult to break up with someone you dont like any more, if you have another girl waiting who you love and are happy with. Not difficult at all. So he is lying to you. The truth is, you probably do not matter that much to him, you're just a comfort blanket. It's nice to feel wanted. He wants the attention you give him, not you.
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