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Obsessed with wife's ex-lover/experience

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 December 2008) 18 Answers - (Newest, 27 January 2010)
A male United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

This sounds ridiculous but I need some perspective. I've been married 10 years. Good enough marriage. My wife isn't great in bed, and isn't enthusiastic about love-making, even though I sometimes make her howl with delight. However, I've been obsessed with the fact that my wife admitted (a long time ago) that the only time she had slept previously with guy was in a college, the same guy, twice (different nights): after a few beers/partying, he took her home and they had sex. The thing is that it is so uncharacteristic of her from what I have seen and known; it's really slutty in my eyes, (...the guy didn't even have to pay for the burger). I am having a hard time reconciling "the slut" with same person who is ambilavent about having sex with me. I've had about a dozen former lovers, and had great sex before. She never cum before me. I admit that it also kinda turns me on that she was a bit slutty, at the same time I'm disgusted and angry that she did this. She said it was not an enjoyable experience, and that she is embarrassed/mortified/hurt, and that she did it because she was curious, and that she was feeling badly about herself, and lots of her friends had already had sex. Do other people dwell on the same thoughts/experiences? I hesitate to write because I am anticipating the feeback....

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A male reader, big_daddy7483 United States +, writes (27 January 2010):

I also have this experience only my (wife) lost hers to a man that her sister and her were familiar with, at first it didnt matter and i didnt know ive been with alot of women myself but as we got closer and then marriage i wished that id have been her first. Although thant would be a far cry for me i dealt with it and i learned a valuable lesson " one mans "trash" is anothers treasure", so while you look at it like you do jst think this woman is all about you and is yours and given you these years of her life and keeps on giving . My wife is also not a sexual person, I however LOVE it and also gave her the first big O and she wishes i was first but like a fine wine you have to taste to see if its aged enough and if its really good wine you keep it to yourself and enjoy it together! im only 26 but im happily married to her and we have 2 children and expecting the third I love this woman, I hope this helps

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009):

My wife and I are in our seventies. For a number of years we have traded personal sex stories. It has heightened our adrenalin without any negative repercussions. Keep in mind that we both have had numerous partners, mostly prior to our marriage, but we have had some interesting experiences with others, so why not share the story since we consider sex a great mature sport without religious hangups.

Your wife deserved more of the enjoyments you experienced. Get over it.

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A male reader, roadman United Kingdom +, writes (1 January 2009):

roadman agony auntJust let it go..there no point beating yourself up about the past.. what was done was done, look forward!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008):

Mrs anonymous, that is a wonderful assessment of his wife's behaviour. I didn't even think about how much courage it took for her to push herself out of her comfort zone. I hope the caller is still reading this post and will take on board some of the new suggestions that have come forward. New year coming and all that, a very good time to start your sex life anew.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008):

I think you could maybe kill two birds with one stone here.

You know that your wife certainly isn't a 'slut'- and that to have only slept with two people in her life is actually rather controlled. However, when she felt insecure at having not slept with anyone, she then took control of the situation to get herself sex. That's kinda impressive for someone who apparently seems quite uncomfortable physically, even with her husband of many years.

You, on the other hand, are having trouble relating these actions with her 'normal' behaviour- even though her two 'wild' acts were quite calculated; achieving just even enough experience to maintain her self esteem, and for-go any insecurities or fear about sex, and without leading anyone into a relationship which her heart was not in.

Having achieved this- even though she proclaims it mortified her at the time- especially being so out of character, maybe she holds a certain amount of pride in having done exactly what she set out to do -she did it again on the second occasion after all!- she may feel excitement at having had the guts to push her own boundaries when she felt she needed to. It could be only fear of your judgement which made her insist she did not enjoy it- so you may have to gently encourage and support her to see this side of her.

So perhaps you could build on this- tell her how its been on you mind; that you're jealous of that part of her, and that you want to know that part of her. Understand that this isn't about relating two personalities- everyone has different sides of their personalities; of course not all behaviours are always present, but relate to the circumstances we are in, and how comfortable we feel. By the old adage, let her be "an angel in the parlour, a devil in the bedroom". Find and build upon her personal nugget of pride at having done this, tell her how the thought of her being so promiscuous turns you on, and beg that she might show you some of her more daring side behind your closed bedroom doors.

-Or not- depending how far you wanna take it!

Seriously tho, it might be best to start things very slowly, since this is new behaviour between the two of you. Make her feel happy and excited with herself- make her giggle!

But don't let this destroy you; you love her in spite of 10 years of strained relations physically -turn this isolated hang up into an enormous positive between you!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008):

Agreed Fade,

Marriage counselling, because it sounds like your wife has problems too...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008):

It's the term babes, many of us women hate it... anyway, I can understand your concern. You don't seem to be judging her, you sound more confused about your feelings. As you say, how can your wife who is timid in bed, been wild with somebody else once upon a time. And why dose the thought of this make you feel a little bit aroused.

Here's another link, on the issue of jealous about a wife's past. Again, there are suggestions about how you can deal and cope with past issues.. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retroactive-jealousy--how-do-i-overcome-it.html

However, the funny thing is, I don't feel that your problem is about your wife's past, it sounds like your unhappy about your current sex life with her, and you would love for her to become more adventurous in bed. Maybe that's why you imagine her as a wild sex kitten (so much nicer than the word slut) and you wonder how to get her to be like that with you.

It sounds like you and your wife are very similar in your views... Good girls are pure, bad girls are sluts. You need to realise your married, there is nobody watching you, your parents can't punish you and your neighbours can't see. Your married, you are two people made into one. There is nothing wrong with you both sharing your bodies, enjoying sex, doing anything you want that is legal in bed.

I think you should talk to your wife about your sex life. Not in a cruel way, but trying to find out what she would like to try in bed, and what you would like to try. Don't be shy your married, if you two don't talk about sex, how you ever gonna give each other pleasure. The past is the past, that's gone, and yes, some people like to enjoy thinking about the past as a sexual fantasy. But why use fantasy when you've got the real thing at home. Take her out to dinner and try to flirt with her and seduce her. Talk to her about your sex life and ask her what should would like to do to improve it. Ask her if she has had any fantasies. Make special sessions where you do what she likes, and then she returns the favour and she dose something you like back too you.

Marriages which suffer from boring sex, can cause one or either partner to turn away. As her husband it is your job to keep her sexually happy, and as a wife she must do the same to you. Talking about your sex life brings greater intimacy, brings you closer and makes your marriage stronger than ever. Try to talk to her about your sex life, and keep the past where it belongs.. in the past.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008):

She isnt the slut!!!! For goodness sakes! She's has sex 2 times? while you've hd "dozens of lovers" what the heck??? By your own defination you are anout 12 times the slut she is. She is NOT a slut. How rude of you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

FROM THE ORIGINAL POSTER

Thanks, everyone, for your overall excellent responses. Many comments were helpful. I feel better having just expressed myself. For the record, I do not consider my wife a slut. I do think that meeting a guy in a bar a couple of times, not on a date, and having sex with him, outside a relationship, is slutty. If that offends folks, too bad. I agree: more is at play here. I think I will talk to someone. Very interesting comments, again, thank you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008):

Have to agree fully that this probably a uniquely male issue. Some women are a bit too critical...er, defensive (hmm.. wonder why?) about what appears to be a candid confession of deeply hurt feelings, even if this guy clealry acknowledges from the getgo that they are ridiculous... but they're real to him, and he's reaching out, admitting his faults and concerns.... knee kerk responses aren't helpful. Wow.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008):

Hi

Sounds like the fact that he did not even have to pay for the burger bothers you the most. He got the relish too! na na na na na no.

P.s HAPPY NEW YEAR!

via con dios

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A female reader, MommyOfOne United States +, writes (30 December 2008):

MommyOfOne agony auntWow.

I have to agree with katatonik and the first anonymous poster. Im a little put off by how you are talking about your wife and in what fashion. Obviously, there is so much more going on here.

Go bad and read the posts by katatonik and the first anonymous poster. Read them CAREFULLY.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (30 December 2008):

eyeswideopen agony auntPlease look at the links that Yos has provided. Until I read those postings I would have said you were being ridiculous too. However this is a real problem for some people and does cause a lot of pain for those involved. You will see that it is possbile to overcome this problem but it will take a lot of effort and time. I wish you and your wife the best.

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A female reader, katatonik United States +, writes (30 December 2008):

katatonik agony auntSorry, but I do find your question ridiculous. You slept with 12 women before her, and you have the nerve to complain that she wasn't a virgin when she met you? Hello! Double standards, anyone?

She didn't know you then. She had no idea she was going to meet you. You simply can't take her previous sexual experience as a personal affront. Nor can you lump your unsatisfactory sex life in with this discovery--they are completely separate issues.

I assume she wasn't amazing in bed before you married. You married her anyway, over all the "great sex" you have had in the past with the other 12 women. There had to be a reason for this. Now you have to decide if you can live with what you know, and what your sex life lacks, and if you can't...PLEASE move on so she can find a man who DOES deserve her. I don't think that man is you.

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (30 December 2008):

Yos agony auntIn answer to your last question: yes plenty of others 'dwell' on this in the same way you do. Here is a post where its discussed in detail, plus do follow the links that troubledtoomuch provides too;

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008):

Dear Poster

From what I read in your posting it seems you have some more serious problems in your marriage then what you are admitting to yourself. You mentioned your wife is not good in bed;that is quite a statement, (it will hurt any womens feelings) but that indicates to me that you are not having a very good sex life; you furthermore mentioned that she does not reach orgasm before you; well that is another indicator to me that your sex life is not doing well; makes me wonder: why is she not reaching orgasm before you? Does she reach orgasms?

I think there are deep rooted issues that you have not mentioned here (or that maybe you are not even aware of) that is affecting your feelings and thoughts,(towards your wife and her past sexual experiences, probably just the tip of the iceberg). I do believe if you had a very happy and satisfactory sex life these thoughts would not have worried you or troubled you as much.

HOWEVER

Personally I suggest you consult a counselor and work through all your issues. Once you have resolved your issues, it might be good for both you and your wife to start some sex therapy; if not with a sex therapist, get a good book, something like "The complete guide to sexual fulfilment" and start reading it together. By doing that your sex life should improve and you will be a much happier couple in and out of bed.

Best wishes and lots of SMILES.

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (30 December 2008):

eddie agony auntLots of people, mostly men I'd bet, think or dwell on this type of stuff. I imagine the only way to get through this is to be honest with yourself. You have to be truthful to understand reality.

I'm sure your wife got the impression you were unhappy about this, leaving her in a bad spot. She could tell you what was probably be the truth or tell you what she thought you wanted to hear. If you remove yourself for the picture, ask yourself why people have sex. It's usually because they find themselves in a situation where they are somewhat attracted to another person. After all, we are humans and designed to have sex. We're designed to want sex and the species required us to have sex to continue.

Do you really want her to feel embarrassed/mortified and hurt because she, as a human at an adult age, had sex? The truth is that it is none of your concern. I don't mean to be blunt but it's true. One part of you is turned on by it while the other part is offended.

The truth is that she might have had sex for all the same reasons you did.

Try to understand that we are all humans and what she did had nothing to do with you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008):

It's pretty harsh to call your wife a slut! Especially since you've had way more lovers. She already explained to you why she had sex with this other guy. It wasn't about sex at all, it was because she was having self-esteem issues. She isn't a "slut" and the fact you would say that about her shows very little respect. You have to ask yourself do I really love her? What is it that truly bothers me about her having had sex before? Why do I criticize and obsess over something that my wife did before she was even with me? Why am I really "angry" and "disgusted"?

I'm wondering also if you have ever expressed these feelings to your wife. You use some very strong language (disgusted, slut) to describe your feelings towards her which concerns me WAY more than her past experience.

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