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Obesity: an issue to overlook or batchelor - beware?

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Question - (1 March 2008) 8 Answers - (Newest, 2 March 2008)
A male United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I am interested in pursuing a relationship with a woman (a real-life woman, not a hypothetical person)who has the following qualities: beautiful, honest, trustworthy, smart, funny, creative, would be a great mother and caring wife, shares my values, hopes, and desires. However, there is one issue - she is significantly overweight (260 pounds).

Because of her age (36, the same age as I am), I am reluctant to persue her as I am worried about the affects of obesity on health (present and future), pregnancy, etc. Also, I do not find her sexually attractive in her present state of obesity.

Here is the question: do I pursue this relationship and marry her despite these detractions of health and attractiveness because of the wonderful person she is, or am I wise to pass-up this relationship because of the problems related to her obesity?

And yes, this woman is very much admired and desired by me except for the weight issue.

Thank you to those who thoughtfully answer my question!

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A male reader, wildman United States +, writes (2 March 2008):

wildman agony auntWeight should not have to be a problem unless she thinks it is. She may be extra sensitive if you look at other women which is natural I think.

You may find that overweight women can be sexy. good luck

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A female reader, Cateyes United States +, writes (2 March 2008):

Cateyes agony auntNeedless to say, physical attraction is a must...and you've already said that. However, IF you really feel that SHE is THE ONE because of all that you mentioned and you know that is what you adore about her the most, I would feel that you would mention this to her and be upfront about it. Personally, if you told her later...I would "think" she would be hurt harder because she would see this as "your waiting now to tell me"..after all my feelings are there and then hurt me like this. Rather then, letting her know how you feel about her and WANT to HELP her "together" in losing weight. What most men do not understand is, yes, any overweight woman WANTS to lose weight, it's how you go about saying it and showing it. It can be done in kindness, even though yes it still hurts, or it could be done in a mean and hateful way. Which do you think we'd really want to hear? She will then have to look at this as I know I should do something about it because of health reasons and because I know deep inside it would effect his attractions toward me. The thing is, she would then know you do care enough about her to WANT to help her and reach a goal slowly. Losing weight is NO overnight success. Are you willing to go that extra mile with her?

I personally think any man who is in love with a woman who is overweight, through kindness and love who would help her and be there for her...is worth his weight in gold.

Good Luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2008):

hmm i dont know i was under the impression that you were already good friends with her considering how you think about her and i have had friends suggest i lose weight i wasnt really insulted then again i am a guy so i would take hello1 advice on this one.good luck

-michael

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2008):

"I do not find her sexually attractive in her present state of obesity. "

Stop. right there..you and she are not compatible. The weight issue will always be in the way. You will never get by it. For you to have said those words, it appears that physical attractiveness is important to you. And don't feel badly, every human on the face of this earth, needs to date others they find physically attractive. She might be attractive to another guy...just not to you. The basis of any courtship, date or relationship is basic physical attraction. If you are not attracted to her physically but you admire her personality then let's say, you both have the makings of both being "just good friends." My suggestion is: If you are not attracted to her, physically, then be honest with yourself. Dating is all about looks, about who and what we find attractive in another person's personality but appearance plays a big role in that process. And you'd be silly to try and suppress the desire for someone who matches what you want, physically. So stop wasting her time. She needs someone in her life who finds her incredibly beautiful, inside and out. She deserves the best, right? She could be getting very attached emotionally to you and the longer you pursue her, the more engaged her heart will become with you. Out there, in the world is a man, who will find her appealing and attractive, physically. There are men who love and adore the larger ladies. Each to their own, but if you admire her but can't get by her weight issue, then you aren't doing this wonderful lady any favors by dating her and leading her to believe, that her appearance doesn't matter. Because to you, her weight doess matter. Good luck

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A female reader, hello1 United Kingdom +, writes (1 March 2008):

hello1 agony auntThe best thing you can do if you really like her, is to date her then tell her. If you told her like now then she would find it really insulting. Slowly approach weight into conversation

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I do think she is beautiful, but I don't find her sexually attractive because of the weight issue. I am hoping to find out if I should go for it, and not worry about the weight because of the wonderful person she is, or if the weight is a significant enough issue (because of the reasons I have already mentioned) that it would be wise for me not to pursue this relationship.

Thank you! I really appreciate the time anyone takes to answer this question!

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A female reader, hello1 United Kingdom +, writes (1 March 2008):

hello1 agony auntOkay, you seem to be setting your standards too high. And please don't follow Koga advice, this woman will go right off you if you suggest she loses weight. You should accept her for who she is. Maybe after you been dating for a while, you could bring up thr weight issue and lose weight together.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2008):

I'm a little confused, you say she is beautiful but you aren't attracted to her? If she really means something to you as it sounds then why not pursue her? Tell her you want her to lose some weight for her health and suggest a reasonable weight (possibly 200?) I look at the person who is on the inside. good luck

-michael

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