A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been married 6 years, as of tomarrow. My husband and I have a beautiful 4yo daughter together. This is both mine and my husband's first marriage and only child. In order to get the best advice from anyone, one has to know the whole story. Just over 5 years ago, my husband was convicted of a crime he did not commit. I was 3 months pregnant when he went to prison. And that broke me. I spent every day with my husband. I went to work with him, and everywhere else. I didn't ask to, he wanted me to, and I wanted to. We did that for the first year of our relationship, and the first 6 months of marriage, until his conviction. For 4.5 years, I waited for, and supported him. I went to see him as often as was allowed. I NEVER cheated on him. I never even considered the thought. I did everything I could to make it easier on him, while he was away from his family. He was finally released late last year. But his mom passed away 3 days after he came back. So, while trying to retrieve 4.5 years of affection, love, attention, and just being with eachother, I had to be sensitive to his loss. I'm doing everything I can to be there for him, and help him through this. But in the short time he's been back(9 mos) he has changed, and I don't even know the man I married anymore. Nothing I do seems to have been good enough. Everything I do is wrong. He second guesses me. He screams at me. He makes me feel so horrible. He rarely touches me, and even then, only when I won't touch him anymore. He won't even sit down with me. every time I go to sit next to him, he gets up and leaves the room. I do some of the raunchiest, sexiest things for my husband, and he refuses to even perform oral sex on me. He's insanely selfish in bed. I was gay before I met my husband, he knew that. I've tried to tell him that what he does hurts. That it hurts me so badly. But when I tell him, he turns it around and blames it on me, all while screaming at me. And then he makes it worse than before. He makes me cry, and it doesn't even seem to bother him, he does it so often. He was never violent toward me. But I see that is changing as well. I guess that, somehow, I made him so angry one morning, that he punched the cabinet next to my head. I have alot of trust issues, with all people. I thought I could trust in him. But now I find I'm only afraid of him. And I shouldn't be afraid of my own husband, I know that. But he scares me now. And I find myself hating him. For the things he does, and what I've had to go through for him. before his conviction, I did everything for him, because It made me happy to. Because I love him. But now, everything that I do, I only do so he won't flip out on me and start yelling at me. I'm tired, I've had to deal with the loss of; my grandmother, my grandfather, my mother-in-law(my temporary husband), and having to kill my unborn child, because "we" don't need that, while all of this is going on(probation). All of this within the past year. I want to do what's right, for our daughter, for my husband, for me. I don't want to give up, but it's getting hard to hold on to something that just doesn't exist anymore. I've been married for nearly 6 years, and have only been able to spend less than a year of that with my husband. We haven't spent one anniversary together. I bought some adult toys, while he was gone, so I wouldn't even get an urge to cheat. But now that he's back, why do I find myself using them more than before. he told me he couldn't wait to come home so he could take care of me again(in every way). Then why do I feel so neglected, abandoned, unwanted, undesired, lonely. Why do I find myself regretting everything I've done. Maybe someone could help me. Because I don't know what else to do. I love my husband. He was everything I could have ever asked for in a spouse. But he's changed, and so drastically. I want my marriage to work, I want to save this, I want to be with my husband. I don't want to hate him. I just want to know what to do, what to say, that will make this better. I just want to be as happy as we once were. I want to feel that way again. Can someone please help me?
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 July 2010):
 Can you find a lawyer to proof he didn't commit a crime so you can sue and get a settlement? You can't reason with your husband now. The best you can do is to separate for a while, to get out of that walking on egg shells feeling. He might need therapy. Anyone is going to get a post traumatic stress disorder after 4.5 years in jail. Daily life in jail is robotic, restricted, and with food that is not nourishing. He didn't get a chance to vent being wrongfully convicted. To do so is to be grounded the whole day in a small cell. That doesn't mean because you are close to him he can do this to you. He has to face his anger alone. I would consult a therapist, specially someone who had experience with ex prisoners. Also find a lawyer, at least try to get some justice back. This is what you can do now. It would be unrealistic for him to think for you, he has so much anger in him he has no room for you.
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