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Now that he's single he doesn't want to be with me

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 November 2010) 13 Answers - (Newest, 9 November 2010)
A female United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I am a female who had been dating a married male of this same age group for approximately 18 months. my dilemna is, now that he is single he seems not to want to be with me and build a relationship. he was being very evasive about it all at first, and now he is acting like he only wants to be "friends" with me. up until about a month ago, he would be very attentive and call me endlessly, etc., and now if i hear from him, it is either because he is returning my call, or because i called him and he answers the phone. I am trying very hard to move on and i feel very confused and hurt about it all. I know I should not have been dating him in the first place while he was married, and he made me very angry and i said some very angry things to him, namely, since his mariage was so great, why was he creeping with me and God knows who else? Anyway, I am confused because he is acting all like now i am bothering him, but he was the one who came on all strong to me in the first place, and got me all caught up. I told him that if any doors are opened and closed between us, it would be because I hold them open and closed, not him. And then I told him the door was open because I am opening it, and asked him what he wanted to do. Now he is all weirding out. What do you think I should do? Should I stay or should I go? I think I should run for the hills and forget that this ever happened, we will have occasion to cross paths because we go to common places, so this is very awkward.

help me please!!!!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010):

well done. I think you have seen that under no circumstances will you put up with second best ever again. Sometimes no man, for a while, is preferable to any man, where that any man is not right for you. Dont rush into the next relationship. Take you time. You will decide the qualites you want in a man, and you will keep an eye out for such a man. And you will be alert early for if he is really genuine. And you will value yourself as a woman deserving a good relationship with a good man, prepared to respect your standards and your needs, as you will his, in return, if his standards and needs suit what you want in a man. No more will you willingly accept what is immediately on offer if it is not right for you. Instead you will think deeply about the inner qualities you want to see demonstrated (not told by him to you that he has these qualities - talk is cheap). Inner qualities like treating people with respect and respected by his peeers

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I want to thank all you guys for your honest answers. I thank you for your affirmation that I have done the right thing. My thing is, while I am sorry this lady passed away, it is not my fault she passed away, it is not my fault of whatever is going on. Before I met this man, I was happy. Right now, I am happy, but I want you all to know, past that initial stage of meeting this man, it had been 18 months of rollercoaster and up and down, and I am not used to that sort of thing. I pray I never do it again, if any of yall believe in Prayer, please pray for me, that I continue to be happy and to do the right things in life. I look at this in retrospect as a speed bump in life, and now I am picking up my momentum, pushing on in my Car of Happiness!!!!!

I prayed all night long before I wrote you this question, I wanted affirmation and confirmation, and you guys gave it to me, and this is Priceless. Thank You Agony Aunts!!!!!

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A female reader, tennisstar88 United States +, writes (8 November 2010):

tennisstar88 agony auntI sure hope he's suing for his loss.

Anyways, death comes as a shock at first..we're upset, crying. It takes a while for it to seep in. We're in denial for the longest time over it. Then once we accept it, then we can properly grieve. When he was still sleeping with you after his wife died, that was his stage of denial. Now, that it has dawned on him she's really gone..this is his grieving process for him also brings guilt due to his affair with you.

With that being said, I know a man who's wife was dying of cancer he was sleeping with a co-worker..His wife finally passed, he was still secretly seeing the co-worker who mind you was still married. All of a sudden she up and quits, the next day gets a divorce. By January their affair is out, she's pregnant and they got married in August. He's unhappy in their marriage, but she just had their son so she's got him trapped. For very few, these situations do have a way of working out.

My point is to move on, his wife died, that has got to be a lot to swallow. Find a 100% available man.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

She passed away in March of this year. She had Gastric Bypass surgery and they messed her up. I should have consideration for the fact that he is now a widower, but I dont have any pity or sympathy for him, because up until I put a stop to this mess about a month or so ago, he was still calling me trying to get back with me, and we were still sleeping together up until June of this year. We were sleeping together two days before she died.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

She passed away in March of this year. She had Gastric Bypass surgery and they messed her up. I should have consideration for the fact that he is now a widower, but I dont have any pity or sympathy for him, because up until I put a stop to this mess about a month or so ago, he was still calling me trying to get back with me, and we were still sleeping together up until June of this year. We were sleeping together two days before she died.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (8 November 2010):

Honeypie agony auntHe is blaming you for his behaviour. He know he shouldn't have been cheating and won't assume the responsibility of his own actions. YOU didn't make him cheat.

I would be guessing that he feels heaps of guilt towards his dead wife. Maybe he found out after her death that she knew he was a cheat. Who knows, but, in all honesty, he is blaming YOU. There is nothing for you with this man. He will think about the fact that he cheated on his wife every time he looks at you.

Time for you to move on. Find yourself a single guy, don't settle for someone else's man.

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A female reader, celtic_tiger United Kingdom +, writes (8 November 2010):

celtic_tiger agony auntHow long ago did she die? Are we talking weeks, months, years?

Was it sudden or had she been ill?

You say you have been "dating" him for 18 months, so this cannot have been that long ago.

Have you thought that you might have just been a fling - a mid life crisis if you like and in all honesty he had no intention of leaving his wife. For all you know they may have had a happy marriage, she might have adored him and given him everything he wanted. He might just have wanted an little extra spice.

The fact she is now dead, may be bringing the guilt to his mind. He knows that in her final months he was cheating on her with you. That will never go away and he will have to live with that guilt forever. Every time he sees you, he is reminded of that fact.

You dont seem to have any consideration for the fact he is now a widower. You dont just jump into a new relationship (even if you had been having and affair). It takes time to grieve and emotionally process what has happened. Whatever you think, he loved her and she was his wife. That will have an impact. Combine that with guilt and he in no way is ready to have another relationship.

My friends mum died when she was 10. Her father was single for years after she died before he was ready to have another relationship.

Have a bit of compassion and understand that you were just a fling. Move on. Find someone who wants a relationship with you, not just sex. Leave this man to grieve on his own.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for that. I undeerstand what you are saying, but mind you, this woman passed away almost 8 months ago, and he was still pursuing me until a month ago, when I told him to get away from me because if he was not crying and hollering when this woman was here, don't be coming to me still wearing your wedding ring. Because if this woman was so important to you, you would not have been calling me countlessly all day and all night, while she was still here to smell the flowers of appreciation now. He may feel guilty and all, but I am not going to be the person who takes the brunt of bad behavior. I am going to run for the hills, and I thank you all for your encouragement.

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A male reader, Cerberus_Raphael Sweden +, writes (8 November 2010):

Cerberus_Raphael agony auntWell no wonder he does not wish to be with you! His wife died and he is probably feeling guilty because of the affair, he probably still needs to grieve. I highly doubt he is the fool, rather the woman wondering why her lover does not give her attention after his wife died...

I hope that helps.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hello guys. The reason why he is single now is because his wife died. I am sorry that she died, but perhaps that is what he deserved.

Thanks you guys for your responses. I think I did the right thing by letting this fool go.

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A male reader, Cerberus_Raphael Sweden +, writes (8 November 2010):

Cerberus_Raphael agony auntIt sounds as though he was only with you because it was fun for him, it was the thrill of an affair that attracted him and nothing else. Move on. Stop calling him. If you ever see him, ignore him for he is a stranger to you now. You never knew who he was. Perhaps later you can build a relationship with someone who is not married, build a relationship with an honest man and a respectable one.

I hope that helps.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010):

he used you. You fell for his lies. Now he's going to try every candy flavor in the shop. He's already tasted you, so you are history. Move on. But first go to the articles. There is a guy in the articles who has written some articles on who is a player and who is genuine. Plus he has another article on observing how a guy behaves 30 Seconds after ejaculation. This is serious and pertinent information to prevent you making more mistakes. The writer of those articles has a name like anonymousemale1

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A male reader, Ven United States +, writes (8 November 2010):

"since his mariage was so great, why was he creeping with me and God knows who else?"

That right there. Guys who don't respect their current relationship won't respect the ones that follow it either.

It is common for weak people in relationships to cheat not with a person they are necessarily attracted to, but to someone who is convenient. He was married, and didn't have a type of woman that he was hunting. He hit it off with you and didn't have the maturity to be faithful, but that doesn't mean the attraction is genuine. More often than not, cheaters don't even know what genuine attraction is.

I am guessing based on the information you gave that he left his wife, and realized that he didn't want to be tied down before he even had a chance to get free.... An immature man all the way around.

Don't blame yourself at all, but get free of him.

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