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Not sure if 'No' means no for good

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (25 June 2016) 14 Answers - (Newest, 26 June 2016)
A male Canada age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Asked a female out for a drink from the office of where I work and she said she would get back to me. And she did, unfortunately it wasn't good news. It was a rejection reply. I absolutely hate them. Anyway she explained she wasn't able to see me for a drink as she has things on and was busy.

Yeah right. I'm thinking she is lying in a way. I know for a fact that she likes me and she is doing it on purpose.

What do you think guys?

Should I tell her how I feel?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2016):

So, you're going to get in touch with her to tell her you are disappointed because of her rejection. Ok, not necessary, because she doesn't care whether you are disappointed or not. The rest of your post makes me feel scared for her.

You want her to know that she has missed out on not getting to know you? I have read this post from you many times and I wish I knew her and could show her what you are writing because I want to warn her just what a scary individual has his sights set on her.

Again it is not necessary for you to let her know that she has missed out on getting to know you. She doesn't want to get to know you otherwise she would have said yes to your invitation.

You want to let her know that she has made a poor decision. Oh my gosh, can you hear yourself? Do you not think that she is entitled to her own opinion and that opinion is that she doesn't want to get to know you?

You want to make her realise that she is in the wrong?? We are all trying to tell you that you are in the wrong but you don't want to listen.

I would say that based on the many obsessive posts you have written about this, that you are suffering with a personality disorder or perhaps have mental health issues.

In a way I hope that you do continue to pursue her, so that you realise you will not get what you want from this lady just because you want it.

It might also mean she has to report you and that you will then probably lose your job. Then she can rest easy again.

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A female reader, WhenCowsAttack United States +, writes (26 June 2016):

If I were her, and you kept demanding an explanation even though I had repeatedly said no, I'd be livid. Don't be surprised if she rips you a new one. Frankly I am beginning to find this a bit creepy. It's bordering on the obsessive now. You've asked about it several times and you basically just shop around until you see an answer that you think matches what you were planning on doing anyway, even when all of the other posters are warning you otherwise.

If it were her writing in to us my advice would be: tell him to leave you alone, and tell human resources, and be careful because that is the sort of man who will stalk you.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (26 June 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt Very bad idea. At least , you can't try again in a couple of months but first send her a bitter written reproach about the disappointment she gave you and her poor decision. That's shooting yourself in your foot. Do you think she will like you more if you start making drama and challenging her decisions ? not going to happen.

Why are you acting so entitled?

You may be the nicest person in the world, she still does not OWE you a chance, does not owe you to give you a try, and does not owe to justify herself for refusing you as a date.

She is not " lying ", she was letting you down easy .

You say that you know "for a fact" that she likes you ? ...

Then why would she have turned you down ? If she likes you in " that " way ?

I think you may have confused , as it often happens, a friendly, kind behaviour toward a nice COLLEAGUE with something more personal.

In other words , she may like you as a nice person to have around on the job, but not as a date or bf. One can feel warmth and sympathy for all kind of people , yet not finding them dateable because there's no physical attraction or chemistry,for instance, or for whatever personal reason of theirs which one is not bound to disclose to a semi-stranger .

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2016):

Mate, wise owl is not over the top. She said no. Respect that. Be the nice guy you said you are and treat her as a human, not as a potential hook up. You don't have the right to a date and it doesn't matter if you would be perfect for each other. Unfortunately you get a say and so does she. Feel free to send a message but from there if the answer is still no then move on. My only problem with this is that it seems redundant as she gave you an answer. This isn't harsh, nor is it a bitter pill, it is reality

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (26 June 2016):

Aunty BimBim agony auntOh my!

How do you know she lied?

Are you aware women need to be careful how they tell some men they are not interested in dating?

In the past year 14 women in the US have been attacked or killed for saying no to a date .... google it!

Women have the right to say no. Sadly they need to be very careful how they say no, or they might end up with a punch in the face, a bullet in the gut, or something milder, a man like you who can't accept the simple no and wants to debate her response with her, because of course, her excuse was a lie right.

She shouldn't have felt it was necessary to tell you why it was a no .... but you wouldn't have accepted that either ... would you.

Read Wise Owl's response again, he speaks he truth.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2016):

That's a bit over the top wiseowle, but yes there are those kind of things. I think I'll listen to intrigued3000 advice, no offence to you of course.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2016):

You know, this is why there are sexual harassment seminars and federal requirements for sensitivity training in businesses in the United States. Fishing in a barrel. Hunting where it's certain people are forced to accept confrontation, unwanted passes, and inappropriate language; because they can't easily getaway!

People who insist on using the workplace for dating services, when there are so many other legitimate and appropriate venues for this purpose. Coming-on to fellow co-workers and forgetting/ignoring the established business code of conduct; while on the clock, with no regard as to when and where some behavior is inappropriate.

It speaks volumes of a business that allows people to be placed in such situations; and left at their own devices to fend for themselves. Sometimes things workout, but most of the time they don't. It becomes a business liability when they don't!

She politely turned you down. Lying? Well, to everyone reading your post she clearly was not accepting the invitation.

If you don't get it, allow us to spell it out.

She's not interested in going out for drinks with you. Take it as a definitely no, before it becomes a Human Resources issue; and might cost you your job.

Always take a lady's "no" to mean "NO"! You'll stay out of jail, avoid embarrassment, and might even keep your job.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (25 June 2016):

chigirl agony auntSo you claim to know she is a liar... then why would you want to date her? Lying people aren't dating material...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2016):

It's both I like her and that she's lying. With the lying, is not knowing whether it's true or not. Thanks for the advice intrigued3000, and I'll try to contain myself with the whiny bit when I message her and tell her how I feel.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (25 June 2016):

Honeypie agony auntSo if you know for a fact that she lied.... then you should also know NOT to waste any more time or energy on her.

My guess is, she said she would get back to you, because she wasn't sure HOW to reject you in the "nicest" way possible. Maybe she has dealt with guys before who got MAD over a rejecting and wanted to find the "easiest" excuse or reason for BOTH of you to reject you.

YOU say you also KNOW for a fact that she likes you... and you KNOW for a fact that she is lying... So which is it?

If you think she is playing games to get you to "chase her" (which I doubt, but still some people are like that) and you don't want to chase her, then back off totally.

And honestly OP.... I would advice you look for dates outside of the work place... let's say for a minute that you are in fact NOT right in her being a liar or her being interested in you... HOW awkward do you think it will be for both of you at work?

I say chill, be cool, be professional and don't start drama in the work place. OK, she rejected you... THAT is entirely her right. If she rejected you to play mind games she is definitely one of those girls to stay far away from.

I think basically that you are making a big deal out of this because you didn't get the reaction or responds you were expecting. THAT happens. Move on.

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A female reader, Intrigued3000 Canada +, writes (25 June 2016):

Intrigued3000 agony auntIt could be that she's going through something personal and private and does not think it's appropriate to go into details about why she is busy. It also could be that she is not interested in you. Either way, I'd say give it a couple of months and ask her out again. Her circumstances or feelings for you may change during that time.

If you want to tell her how you feel then you should, as long as what you have to say to her is not negative or whiny or a complaint. Make sure you are doing it with positive, mature intentions.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2016):

my disappointment at her rejection and her not giving me the chance to prove myself to her, and that she made a poor decision. The fact she missed out on getting to know me as I'm a nice guy. I'd like to say that to her and express how I feel about it, to make her realise she was in the wrong.

If she can do it to me then I can do it to herself, girls play games it's what they enjoy.

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A male reader, DarrellG United Kingdom +, writes (25 June 2016):

DarrellG agony auntThis is a bit of a confusing question. Shes saying no to seeing you, and to be honest, she is saying no and meaning no I think because if she was interested she may say something like I am "busy this week but what about next" - she isnt interested and that is shining through - then you say you think shes lying then this:

" I know for a fact that she likes me"

How? What? Why? When? What evidence have you got for this other than the fact you like her? Her replies to your requests from you suggest exactly the opposite to this. I guess thats why you think shes lying, because you think she is attracted to you but ultimately I think this and the above statement is a bit of wishful thinking on your part - sorry if that is snippy but that is what I am getting.

Assuming she doesnt in fact have that attraction to you, telling how you feel is unlikely to improve matters, in fact, will probably make them worse. So, forget this one and move on. Sorry if that is harsh but its the way of things, if shes not that into you then it wouldnt lead to any kind of happiness in any case so just tell yourself the truth - this one wasnt meant to be and keep looking, or better still, simply stop, and someone will come along who is for you. Good luck :)

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A female reader, RubyBirtle United Kingdom +, writes (25 June 2016):

A few questions for you first...

Why do you think she is "lying"? What do you think she's lying about? Being busy or about not wanting to date you? And she may well be lying because it's easier and (more polite) for a girl to say "No thanks, I'm too busy" than it is to say "No thanks, I really don't find you attractive enough to date".

And when you say "shall I tell her how I feel" which thoughts and feeling(s) do you want to express to her?

a) your attraction to her and desire to date her?

b) your disappointment at her rejection?

c) your belief that she is lying?

And expressing any of these won't do you ANY favours.

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