A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hey all! So I've been hooking up with a married man (mid 30s, yes I know im terrible for it) for about 9 months now, but the first time we had sex, we didnt communicate or see each other for almost 3 months, like I actually thought I wouldn't see or speak to him again, but we know a lot of same people/work with some of the same people and we live in the same neighborhood, so I dont know why I thought that, but I finally did see him again and things started up again immediately, supposedly he wanted to contact me the whole time but lost my number. But we've had a somewhat FWB relationship since then (6 months)Well, I've done my best to keep him at a safe distance and not be the crazy, emotional, clingy 19/20 year old that a guy would expect (I've never even texted him first), and he also stated the first time we had sex that he didnt like a clingy girl but I have to be honest, I'm starting to feel that way.When we started seeing each other again, he seemed way into me, more than I expected from him and I liked it, but I never told him that I liked it or that it made me happy.Well now, we still talk, but we havent had sex in 3 months! And the longest we ever went without doing it is 3 weeks. During these 3 months, we talked about getting together all the time, and we did some sexting but thats it. Normally, he would text me at least 3 times a week, and he would say how he couldn't wait to see me again and ask me to come see him. But it seemed to die down at the end of September.Back in October, we made plans to see each other but he ended up having to cancel, and said he would text me the next day to get together or the day after, but then he never texted me at all.. So I made a conscious decision I would steer clear of him for exactly 5 weeks. During the 5 weeks, he only texted me twice. The first time he asked me where I had been lately, and then never responded to me reply, and then he texted me the day before thanksgiving saying he really wanted to see me and asked me out that night but then had to cancel again due to workI finally went to see him again December 2nd (5 weeks exactly) and he was soooo happy to see me, and everyone we were with said he asked about me constantly to the point of being annoyed with him. What confuses me however, is if he missed me so much, why did he only contact me twice? He himself even told me he asked about me a lot and apologized for cancelling on me the last 2 times. In my mind, he doesn't miss me because he would talk to me more if he did, like he used to. But to hear how he talks about me a lot, makes me confused.Now, I feel like I'm really missing him, but I dont want to. I dont like to miss anyone or feel confused, so it makes me want to disappear, like I did for 5 weeks. Sometimes I think maybe he's waiting on me to put in effort since sometimes he'll ask me where I've been and all that.. But I have nothing to lose, he does, so I dont bother him, I dont contact him, I let him bother me. I've made a real effort to date single guys my age but its always something with everyone I've given my time to so far.They either ghost me, lie to me, or have a drug problem, something.. Its frustrating.. I dont want to be stuck on a married man, I want to move on, especially now that I feel this way. What should I do?
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (15 December 2017):
 If you don't feel guilty, that's a problem. You should probably speak to someone about that.
As for him, please stop all non-work contact with him and stick to it. Don't allow yourself to get dragged back in. Start dating only once you've got over this guy and be patient. We all meet dodgy people, so just bear with it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd also to add, I know I said I initially didnt feel any guilt over it, but I want to clear up that I feel incredibly awful about it now that its been going on so long. Him and I have a lot of friends in common on Facebook, and one of our mutual friends shared a picture that his wife tagged him in from when they had just got married (14 years ago) and she captioned it saying "Happy Anniversary, I love you" or something like that and my stomach dropped, I felt horrible about myself, for her and him. Everyone was commenting on it saying what a beautiful couple they were and how happy they were for them and the worst part is most of them know he cheats on her. Either way, It was a wake up call for me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the advice! To answer a few of the questions, and since you all were brutally honest which I appreciate, I’ll be the same. The worst thing I’ve ever done is have sex with this guy. Before I met him, I wasn’t even attracted to older men, or anyone who wasn’t my bf. But the minute I saw him I liked him, and I felt bad just for being attracted to him. I had a bf who treated me good and then started to treat me horrible. And everyday I would go to work and married guy would make me happy without knowing it and eventually, I didn’t feel bad at all for liking him. After my bf and I broke up, I had sex with married guy about 2 weeks later, And I didn’t feel an ounce of guilt over it unfortunately. That’s a horrible thing to admit but it’s the truth, as I said I’d be brutally honest.
I would never want him to leave his wife, I’ve always been sure about that. I couldn’t imagine being with him, he’s not someone I’d want to marry, I’ve always just enjoyed the sexual relationship until recently. I really didn’t want to continue what I’ve been doing and I thought if I started dating again and doing other things I’d let him go and move on, but yeah, hasn’t worked out that way. And then I just started to miss talking to him. But I think what it truly is, is that I’m lonely and vulnerable so I cling to him. I probably need to just focus on things I enjoy outside of men. Thank you for all the advice.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 December 2017):
 Maybe dear OP,
You should take some time off from dating altogether and work on WHAT you want in life. That includes your own personal standards which seem pretty flimsy.
You don't want to date guys your age - my guess because the ones you have run into were not really BF material. So in that respect, it's GOOD that they ghosted you and whatnot... Because apparently, those were losers. Which lead me straight to this married man - who is also a loser. BIG fat married loser.
He doesn't give a flying fart about you. YOU are the entertainment, is all. You two talked about being together? You do understand the concept of marriage, right? which means HE is not single and CAN NOT offer you shit. Sure, he can divorce his wife and start something with you, but then... HOW long until he finds someone else to cheat with? Someone who is as EASY to play as you? Probably why he chose you in the first place, you are young and fairly inexperienced.
You think you showed him JUST how GREAT of a girl you are by NOT contacting him for 5 weeks and then offer yourself up on a platter with a bow on your ass and apple in your mouth? Come on... He has you pegged. ALL he had to do AFTER he had sex with you the first time, was tell you "I don't like clingy girls" and you did EXACTLY what he had hoped, you took noticed and left him the F alone, except when he wanted some young nubile "fun" with you.
It's such a common little trick people use. Trust me, I know... My ex-BF used it all the time. Telling me things he didn't like for women to do... and back then (not now) my first instinct was to show him JUST what a great girl I was, to NOT do those things... Yeah, I still roll my eyes over having been played 20+ years ago... lol but live and learn.
He LOST your number? Oh, OP.. No, he played you then too. You say you live in the same neighborhood, know a lot of same people, work with some of the same people - come on Sweetheart! If he had REALLY wanted to talk to you... He would have found a way to get ahold of you. This is 2017 not 1800...
Tell this guy that you are done being his little sex toy he takes down from the shelf every now and then. You don't want to WASTE your youth on a guy who isn't AVAILABLE as he is MARRIED to someone else. A guy who doesn't really see you as anything more than an F-buddy. And that you don't want anything further with him or from him so he needs to stop contacting you. (in your own words)
Then you WISH him well and you BLOCK his number and him on EVERYTHING. Phone/block e-mail (make his go to spam) social media etc. etc. And you avoid spending time WITH/AROUND him.
After that? Well, like I said in the beginning, TAKE some time to take stock of your OWN actions and your OWN standards.
How is CHEATING with a married man EVER OK? In what world? Why would you accept to get into something like that? Have you no respect for others relationships? Such as his marriage (he doesn't, quite clearly, but we are talking about YOU- IDGAF about him - he is a loser). Do you EVER think how this affair can impact his wife? I mean for a second, do you? You are young so I'll cut you some slack on the morality issue and even in the self-respect one. But NOW is also the time for you to look forward. Is this the route you want to take? To screw around with an older guy who CLEARLY takes advantage of you without really caring two F's about you?
You are young, so it's IS inevitable that you will make mistakes (we all do regardless of age... no sweat there) but this is also the time where you have the MOST to gain from learning from these mistakes.
What kind of woman do you want to be going forward?
Think about it.
If you can't find a guy your own age who is BF material, dating an older MARRIED one is not the solution. OK? That should be common sense!
So BE picky when it comes to men. GO slow. Don't waste time on losers (regardless of their age). Dating older guys doesn't STOP you from running into losers. (case in point, the married guy!)
Learn what makes YOU happy as a person (and no, having a BF shouldn't be it) Friends, hobbies, goals, dreams, family, career, travel, bucket list... whatever! And then go for it. Improve yourself for YOU. (that includes working on a standard for WHAT kind of person YOU want to be, and what kind of person you want to be with).
You seem like a smart enough girl to know that what's going on is going NOWHERE. So, USE that noggin of yours and add some common sense and learn from this disaster of a "fling".
WANT more for yourself. Because like L'oreal says... YOU ARE WORTH IT!
Chin up, happy holidays!
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (14 December 2017):
 Okay so you can't date people your age for the issues that you listed and what exactly do you think you have with this cheating scumbag? A healthy, functional relationship? Of course not, you're the side piece that he fucks behind his wife's back because you give him the time of day.
What you should do you ask? Block him? Tell him to piss off and either break up with his poor wife or to work on their marriage? What are you expecting to hear? To ask him to leave his wife for you and live happily ever after? Because let's be honest, it's not going to happen is it.
You need to get a grip. This guy is using you for sex and nothing more. What male wouldn't be happy to see a young female that gives him no strings sex when he's in an unhappy marriage? I wouldn't read too much into that thinking it's anything deeper. If he liked you enough he would leave his wife for you. But it never happens, we see countless amounts of questions exactly like yours and they get answered the same everytime.
Get your head out the clouds, if this waste of space wants to cheat on his wife, tell him to find someone else to do it with, try and gain a shred of self respect back for yourself by finding someone who is single. Dating isn't easy, you meet plenty of assholes, there's no 2 ways about it. But getting involved in someone else's marriage is the lowest of the low. Think about what you're doing, how would you like it if someone was fucking your husband behind your back? The man you're head over heels in love with and think he feels the same? Not such a great though huh?
Grow a backbone, block him and move on with your life and give someone that wants you for more than what's in your pants.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (14 December 2017):
OP, dating is hard. It takes a lot of effort to find decent guys sometimes, but it's worth it when you know that you're not someone's bit on the side - you have their full attention and you're committed to each other.
You know what to do, but you're scared of just spending some time on your own, rather than getting attention from some married man. You'll feel much better about yourself and your situation when you stop seeing someone who is unavailable, or who should be unavailable.
Perhaps take a 6 month break from dating, heal from this my man first, then start dating again. Looking for guys a couple of years older than you wasn't a problem either, so long as they are single.
"You have to kiss a few frogs to find your prince."
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (14 December 2017):
You should ask his wife. You're better than this. Forget avoiding being a clingy teenager, avoid being a sleazy mistress - the sane way he shouldn't be a slimy cheater.
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