A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Just enrolled my 4 year old son in soccer. I plan to attend his games with my fiance, and his Father will be attending with his fiance and probably all of her family. I have met my ex's fiance once briefly, but none of her family. Frankly, I am not looking forward to this. From what I can tell, they have all embraced my son and he seems to be happy when he has visited them. However, I strongly dislike my ex (we divorced about 3 years ago) and have a hard time tolerating him, much less trying to accept that my son has a "family" completely outside of my control. I don't like the idea of having to be friendly etc to these people. I know they did nothing wrong-but I basically hate my ex and they are just guilty by association.To make matters worse, my own parents are barely involved-they do not like my fiance and have therefore mostly disowned me and my son-their only grandchild. So, its doubtful they will attend any of my son's games or practices. Neither my fiance or I have any other family nearby-so it feels like an "us against them" (ex's fiance and family) and I hate that while her family has seemingly embraced my son, my own parents, his biological grandparents treat helping out with him like a burden and likely won't attend anything.Any ideas on who to deal with these feelings? How to handle being with them all during these events?
View related questions:
divorce, fiance, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (5 September 2015):
 You're basically feeling frustrated out of loneliness. The fact that your family doesn't support you and that your ex is "winning" the breakup. You already couldn't tolerate him and now you hate him even more because he's doing better than you.
Rationally thinking, you should move beyond these thoughts. You're both adults and its nobody's fault that he's happy. If anything, you should be happy that at least your son has 2 families that care for him and love him this much.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2015): Your son didn't pick his father, YOU did.
Don't be so self-absorbed, shallow-minded and petty as to let your grievances against your ex-husband negatively impact your son's relationship with his father.
It's very unfortunate that your parents see fit to use their grandchild as a weapon to punish you but don't begrudge your son for having an extended step-family who've accepted him as one of their own (though I suspect your parents' bad example may be the source of your displaced anger and resentment).
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 September 2015):
 I fully agree with WiseOwlE
BE glad that there are people out there who are WILLING and ABLE to love you son as part of their extended family. YOU don't have to love them, but you DO have to behave in a civil manner. You can hate the ex as MUCH as you like, but do it in private. Your son should NOT be put in the middle. EVER.
You don't HAVE to sit with the ex and his whole entourage (if they show up) at every game, but PUT on a brave face and act with dignity.
You husband is there to support his son - which is a good thing. Him bringing people to support your son is just added bonus FOR YOUR SON - this isn't about you, but YOUR SON.
He is 4. He doesn't understand divorce, adult drama. All he understand is that ALL the people are there for HIM. Specially if your parents aren't there for him in that capacity. LET the ex's fiance's family be there. (specially if they are good people).
A friend of mine's daughter had a son 10 years ago when she was 18. It was a "oops" thing but she decided to keep the baby even when the BF didn't want her to. The bio-dad vanished from her life and hasn't very active in his son's life the last 10 years. She dated for a couple of year a REALLY good guy who's family embraced the baby boy to the max. And when that relationship ended THAT guy and his family were still (still are) active as extended family. They will drive a 6 hour drive to see him for his birthday, mail etc. There is NO blood, NO DNA between them but they just LOVE the kid. A kid who didn't really have a dad, only one set of grandparents - but a HUGE extended family.
The more GOOD people you can surround yourself AND your son with the better. Doesn't mean you have to be bosom buddies with them, but let your son get all the love he can.
So relax. Bring a camera to the game ( it's kind of easy to NOT have to talk to much if you are busy snapping pictures, right? Plus you have your fiance there for support.
Don't be a petty bitter woman.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (5 September 2015):
 it can only be as uncomfortable as you make it. no doubt you will have the butterflies in your stomach at first but until your are there you can't really judge. could turn out to be an enjoyable day if you keep it simple- be polite when your paths cross. no need to engage in in-depth conversations with either of them, just a hello or a bit of small talk focused on the game and your son and make your way to the other side of the pitch. chances are that you will be so proud and excited to watch your little fella play that they will just be another set of parents in a crowd.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2015): Put your son's feelings ahead of your own. It's about him. If anyone and everyone wants to show up for his games to support him; it gives that child all the love and support he deserves. In spite of your bitterness and self-centered anger.
You say you have a fiance? Then move away from your anger.
You've found love.
Does your son deserve a dysfunctional-family like your own?
Don't wish that on an innocent little boy. Stand back and watch all the love that can fall on him. Feel grateful that he has it. They aren't coming to his soccer games to see you.
My dear, you are far too consumed by your anger and resentment. Seek counseling and some spiritual-guidance to help you through your pain. You have to forgive; so what you're wasting in bitterness for your ex, can be converted into positive-energy to fuel the love you have for your little boy.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 September 2015):
 PS. you only just enrolled him. He might not even like it, and quit before he plays in any games. Worry about an issue when it's arrived, not before.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (4 September 2015):
I think youre taking far too many sorrows in advance. A 4-year olds soccer game is, sorry, not the most interesting thing for adults to watch. I doubt your ex will attend ALL the games with ALL his family and fiancé. He'll be there at first, I guess. Then the interest will fade off and soon it'll be a question about who's bringing him, rather than all of you being there together.
And, honestly, how many games are there really going to be that would be so important the entire extended family will need to be there? At the age of 4? Hardly any. I know that to you, your son is the most amazing person ever and all of his soccer games will be important, but it's not like that to everyone else.
If I am wrong, and your ex and his entire family starts to show at every game, write us back. But right now, I think you are worrying over nothing.
...............................
|
