A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 37 years old, married, and have a 2 1/2 year old daughter. I'm from the UK and my wife is from Hong Kong. We met in HK through a mutual friend while i was working there. Before we got together she was in another relationship and I knew both of them, and even occasionally we would go out in a group.. After several months she started hanging around my home more than usual and we bonded quite well, things were polite and respectful, and I never really anticipated anything happening, as I did not really feel that way. Nevertheless, one evening we were alone in my place, and we became intimate. The following morning she went to work (she also worked with her partner) and she told him that it was over etc.. (they had been together for 10 years). A few days later i was assigned to go away for a week for work, and during that week, I thought very little of it. But when i came back she was waiting for me and she slowly moved in. After the first or maybe second month we started to have arguments, for instance we were decorating the house, and she had a phone call from a friend and she went of with the promise of being back within the hour.. well there was no call or anything and finally after i had finished she returned several hours later.. So i could say it started from then, every few weeks we would have a vicious argument, (i'm not the type to use foul language, and though i may say something, i wont say it in a threatening way, as i dont really like confrontation) Yet she would be all the things i wasn't throwing and breaking things screaming, and just being aggresive, then she'd run away for a couple of days and then texting and then we would work it out and it went on like this, this has been for five years now. After a couple of years fo all this (the masochist that i am) i told her that it was over and I no longer wanted to be in this, as there was no positive outcome. (brief background here: a couple of years before her I had been in a very happy relationship for 5 years and the very much in love,even though we broke up and I had several other casual relationships with other women, and I must say that as of now I still anticipate a re-unity). So we separated, yet every day she would call and tell me her day and be very nice, in the first few months of this separation she was an angel, I on the other hand had moved on and met several other people, one of them being someone that we even had professed love to each other. (This is important to note, as in this 5 year period of being with my wife i think this has only ever been said once). Anyway one day i was with a friend and became very drunk, and we got naked but purely for the sake of messing around, but then,as it became more intimate they got cold feet, and asked me to leave saying that they would call my ex partner and tell her that I attempted to violate. This friend did call, and she called me and asked me what i had been doing and i told her, that we were playing silly games and one thing led to another etc.. she found this as her cue to enter back into the game, so she knew i was weak and i bowed to her and we got back together after having some very exciting encounters. (i suppose that was the bait) As we got back together, determined to make it work (for some reason) we had a good time and we decided to have a child.. she became pregnant, and after a few months she found a diary that i had kept of the person that i had fallen for while we were apart. She went crazy and treated me very badly and was even threats of suicide. Well she had our daughter, but after all this pain she gave me my feelings were completely lost for her, but she was pregnant and I wanted to make it work for the child that was to be. In a bid to make it work we returned to the UK, three of us, well, after 3 months she went to HK to get her british passport, but then decided that she would leave me and my daughter as the relationship wasnt working and remain in hk. There was a sigh of relief for me, I'm very happy taking care of our daughter, and to do it in a happy environment was even better. Yet after three months she returned, because she wanted to make it work. Well i was cold to her, not rude, just polite and formal as to a friend. well after three months she took our daughter and left to HK. That was 3 months ago, I never chased up as I am in education, but I see and speak to my daughter everyday, and will go to visit her in the next couple of weeks. The problem is I dont want to be with her mother, I dont love her, and i dont want to argue either, as all this has made me feel very drained for the last few years, the only brightness is the positive that came from the relationship which is our daughter. The other problem is the distance, of course this can be compromised, i can return to Hong Kong and live close by, yet she wants our daughter to be educated here in the U.K. As for finance, she has a good job and doesnt have any issues, whereas I have left my job to start a PHD, therefore, I will be very poor in the coming years. I'm sorry to be so longwinded.
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broke up, drunk, got back together, moved in, my ex, period, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Blighty +, writes (29 May 2010):
Thank you for the advice. Just a note: she is with our daughter in HK, I will leave to see them soon, I can't avoid seeing her as we are in this together and both want the best for our daughter, but she also states that she wants our daughter to remain with her. My wife also says that she loves me and is very happy to be with me, but acts the way she does because I don't show any love towards her.
I also think that I should find a solution to my histrionic behaviour as bunnytee mentioned. Kindly.
A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (28 May 2010):
 The relationship is over. You now both have to make the best of the situation for the sake of your child. As a PhD student with a child you will be able to claim some support from the Government (tax credits, income support). By the time you qualify as an academic doctor you will be in a position to earn an adequate salary to support your family. You need to look into the legal protocol related to divorce in the country where you married. I think a divorce would finalise matters but try to get the access to your child and financial matters sorted out with your wife without the aid of a lawyer.
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee  +, writes (28 May 2010):
 Having read and re-read your post, I am at a loss as to what your question(s) may be, in this. I am, therefore, left to assume that you're seeking feedback or observation upon your situation. I'll take a crack at it since I've come this far, but be warned: I am no softly-padded fluffy bunny type. I don't mince words nor do I seek to sugar coat. And since you're from the UK, and I am given to understand that subtlety is prized there, please understand in advance, that I am as subtle as a train wreck.
Being duly warned:
First, I'd say your were screwed from the get-go in this.
A casual encounter turned permanent arrangement. Notable BIG mistake 1-but I think you're already very aware of this.
Secondly, I notice that you appear to already know the more logical, realistic aspects of each of your major points (as evidenced by your comments added in parenthesis) This leads me to believe that you very well know the underlying singularity to your issues. This is most encouraging because it says you *think* about matters.
Thirdly, You've identified the most negative influencing factor as your obviously highly unstable, histrionic, ex (she's the aforementioned "singularity").
Fourthly, I applaud your sense of responsibility to do the right thing, no matter the degree of adversity.
Ultimately, you've convinced me by supplying evidence that your moving onward and upward and being the best father you can be is your absolute best direction. And you're already on your way!
She elected to abandon you and your daughter, let her be the one to figure out the logistics in participating in your lives again. You've sustained some collateral damage as a result of big mistake#1, but you're pushing through.
Personally, I'd keep her as far away as possible. I wish you the best in going forward. Onward! Through the fog!
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