A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:For the first year or so of our married life was great but now we are plagued by frequent enflamed arguments which cannot be resolved. The rows often come out of the blue and the cause is unknown. I cool down after a few minutes and my feelings are that I want to rush my wife into the bedroom for a good cuddle - but my wifes need is to rush into her private room and remain there for many days, sometimes longer than a week - the only communication is an occasional grunt through the door and she only comes out during the night to eat when I am asleep.It is getting depressing as we have things planned which always have to be cancelled - and there is a reluctance in me to arrange holidays just in case an argument occurs.I have to admit that our arguments are not helped sometimes by my attitude. Having had so many I see them starting and begin to get angry in anticipation.So you can see that we never have the opportunity to talk our problems through and resolve them. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Clareamy +, writes (28 July 2014):
I am guilty of given my husband the silent treatment after an argument. It is normally out of utter despair. I simply can't have the same argument over and over and over again. After having explained myself again and again about the same thing, I simply have nothing else to say and give up.
If your wife is like me, leaving her alone to dwell and feeling like you don't care enough to approach her, well that will only drag the agreement out longer.
It's difficult I know, trying to end an argument but leaving her to it get over it alone will not help anything. If you keep talking to her and get how she is feeling will help too.
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (28 July 2014):
 I think tjags fantastic. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Getta and Llifton your replies were greatly appreciated. Following your suggestions I have contacted a counsellor and have an appointment at the end of the week. The first session will just be for me alone to test the water, and then as a couple. I will keep you posted.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (25 July 2014):
I have been on the receiving end of the silent treatment, and I will say this - IT SUCKS. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. It's a way of controlling the other person by not allowing them to have a chance to speak. They dictate when and where all conversation is to be had. How is that healthy or fair?
I'm much like you. If there is an argument, I'm very quick to let it go and want to make up. Life is short. Why waste it being mad all the time? Especially at the people we claim to love so much. But some people aren't like that. Some people take longer to calm down. But when I say longer, I don't mean days or weeks. I mean an hour or two. That's a healthy timeframe.
It's healthy and normal to need a cooling down period after an argument. After a big fight, going for a walk around the block or a drive may be a great way to calm down so you can come back and discuss things. A good way of going about requesting this space is by saying "I'm really angry right now. I'm going for a walk and I'll be back in about an hour. Let's calm down and get our thoughts together and discuss this then, when we both aren't so mad." That way, the persons desire for space is met and the other person doesn't feel abandoned and not know when they are going to get their feelings heard.
But to storm off and disappear for a week in the bedroom, to the point where you have to cancel all plans? Wow. Extremely unhealthy way of coping. Was your wife always like that when you fought in the past? Or is this a new thing? What it does is send you into a panic when you sense one of these fights coming on because you know the punishment you will receive for it. You know you will be abandoned and unheard for a weeks span of time. And that may also condition you to become more of a doormat and not speak your mind because you're afraid, once again, of the repercussions of doing so. It's completely unfair.
It sounds as though it's possible your wife isn't happy anymore in this marriage, overall, if this is newly developed behavior. If it isn't new behavior, and this is just how she copes with arguments, she really needs some therapy. I would strongly suggest marriage counseling, as this really is a big deal and it must be effecting your overall quality of life. I'm sure you feel neglected and abandoned. It must be very hurtful for you to endure.
Good luck to you.
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