A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So after working hard in job for four years, I started to realise I wasn't getting anywhere and thought I could make more of myself. I found a really good new job that I haven't started yet, and handed my notice in at work, giving myself 2 weeks off in between the new job so I could have some rest. I have a loving relationship and we have been together for 6 years now, but I have to say it feels a bit stale and though I would never cheat I have often fantasised about this guy at work. This guy is also taken, but flirts with me every day and often talks about how he fancies me. I find him very attractive and he makes me feel confident about myself, but I know really that he is not relationship material, he is a bit of a player and I would never want to hurt my boyfriend. I hoped when I started my new job my feelings for this work guy would disappear. Anyway I decided to invite everyone out to my leaving party this weekend, and about half of my colleagues said they would come, including the guy I mentioned. I was so excited and organized it for ages... even giving everyone my number and double checking at work who was coming. Last night only one girl turned up, I felt so ashamed and embarassed. I even said I would come in next week to cover and help out, but now I don't want to show my face. Nobody text me to say they weren't coming anymore, they just didn't turn up. Should I just not go in to work to help out next week? (I've already worked my notice anyway). I feel so silly for organising a party and no one came. .. and what about the guy at work who said he would definitely come? Should I confront them or let it go? :(I'm sorry this was so long, thank you so much for reading this :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2015): At first when I read your post I agreed with Honeypie - I completely understand your anger but I don't see anything at all to be gained by expressing it to the people involved - at first, reading your post, it seems they are too selfish to even text you to say they can't attend your leaving party, so they definitely won't care if you show anger - in fact, they may even use this in some twisted way along the lines of "see, this is why we didn't go, she has anger issues..." (!)But, after thinking about it, there is another possibility. To be frank, if they cared about you it is THEY not you who should have been organising your leaving do. And I find it slightly strange that you didn't realise this yourself...instead, it seems like you have a tendency to try to compensate for other peoples' shortcomings - you try to organise a party for yourself IN THE ABSENCE of them doing so. And you are now trying to GO BACK TO A WORKPLACE TO HELP FREE OF CHARGE AFTER YOU'VE LEFT but are doing so IN THE ABSENCE of any formal offer from them to do so and IN THE ABSENCE OF payment. These gestures reek of low self esteem and a very strong desire to be included and loved, but they also may come across to others who don't know you as very controlling gestures.The 'obsession' you have with the work colleague (regardless of whether he returns the flirting or not), even whilst in a loving relationship, also suggests that you have a very strong desire to feel an almost drug-like, other wordly, connection to someone - this kind of need can stem from deep rooted, childlike desires for connection - it doesn't work according to logic, and results from very low self esteem due to earlier problems in childhood, even though it often manifests as sexual attraction - it's a need to feel absolutely special, cherished and connected to someone in a way that's rather like an addict needing their next fix. It's very different to the steady, secure and reliable love that actually works in real terms.Your behaviour towards your colleagues and work place does make me wonder whether you are the kind of person who uses compensatory behaviour as a form of control. You have seemed oblivious to the idea that they didn't want to make a party for you in the first place, and perhaps were also oblivious to the more subtle signs that they didn't want to turn up and were increasingly frustrated by your messages etc. trying to control their attendance - and I wonder whether you were, without realising it, enforcing this upon them when they just wanted you to leave quietly? Same with the returning to "help" after you've left - the vast majority of people would just accept that they have now left, no-one's that bothered about holding a celebration for them to say goodbye, and so they need to learn from that and to look to the future, but you seem to still be trying to control the situation and the people involved by offering to go back for free. What seems to be missing is perhaps more sensitivity to THEIR needs and desires - I know you may think that you are just trying really hard to please them, but being a people pleaser is actually a classic way of controlling others coercively. And it's entirely possible that they sense this and are sick of it. It's the kind of trait that can work fantastically well for doing an actual job, but it can also be a huge turn off in social relationships beyond work.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2015): If you've worked your notice and your new place is secure(i.e. contract signed)-nahhhh.
Just have fun! Even if that includes a week of lazying around!
Or maybe a good time to re-connect with that bf of yours?
Defo not the time for work-related drama. Leave on a high note, send a quick e-mail in the lines of : "Oh,sorry, I thought I'd be able to help out next week, but during the week-end I caught a stomach bug. Thank you for the time at X, it helped me grow and yada yada." NO drama.
I think a break might also be good to get rid of those "unappreciated" feelings and also to make you even more happy and excited about the new chapter in your life!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (10 May 2015):
 I don't see what you will accomplish by confronting anyone. I DO get your anger, I find that people are increasingly forgetting to use COMMON manners, such as calling if you are going to be a no-show.
Don't feel silly, you meant it as a nice goodbye gesture, they just couldn't be bothered to show.
Maybe it will help you move past your work-crush seeing that he really don't give a hoot.
Upwards and onward.
And if you are PAID to help out next week, go help out. If you are not.. then don't feel obligated.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2015): Let it all go - the work and the guy.
You've a new job, look forward and move on. You'll only hurt yourself by going back to cover - if you don't owe them anything don't waste your time!
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