A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How important is sex in a marriage? I suffer from dyspareunia and because of this I'm not interested in sex at all. My husband understands my situation but I can see that he is suffering. What should I do? I don't get horny at all. The thought of having sex turns me off. Pls help agony aunts.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 February 2016):
 You suffer from dyspareunia...so what did the doctor say ? Did you consult an OB/GYN ?
Dyspareunia is not a life sentence, is a condition, in fact a symptom, related to physical or psychological problems, and it's far from incurable, in fact there are different treatments according to its cause . It can be cured , or at least be managed with the right therapeutical intervention .
First you should find out, in fact, have a specialist find out , the cause of your dyspareunia, which can be physical ( local infection, vaginal dryness due to hormonal imbalance, pelvic inflammation, etc. ) or psychological ( sexual abuse or molestation, a sexuophobic upringing which gave you the idea of sex as bad and dirt, etc. ).
The causes may be numerous, find which one applies to you and then proceed to fix it.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 February 2016):
 Buy him a monthly sextoy. Or if you're open minded, let him have a mistress, but this option doesn't work for the majority of people. Most people are not interested in sharing or having multiple partners simultaneously. So I'd stick with the monthly sextoy. Then, even if you are not feeling like it, engage in a sexual activity with him on a regular basis. Such as, every saturday night, you give him a handjob while he watches porn. For example. Or a blowjob/handjob. Those things do not require you to be lubricated downstairs, so should be doable even if you are not turned on by it. I understand the thought if this is not interesting to you at all, but think of it as a long term investment. Like putting money in a savings account. Not much fun there and then, but it is what you need to do when you think ahead and think of the future. Put on some porn and it might get you in the right mindset/mood.
Other things that can be your weekly/biweekly sexual activity: sleep naked together, or watch a movie together while naked under a blanket. The intimacy does wonders, even if you're not touching each others privates. Maybe give him access to fondle your body while you watch the movie, and he will be happy.
Other things, that are sensual and erotic, yet does NOT require you to be turned on in order to enjoy it: massages. You give him a massage while you are both naked, or he gives you one. Switch who does whom, and keep it at a 10 minutes maximum in order to not make it into an ordeal.
When teh urge to have sex does not come naturally, it is important, I think, to make it a priority and put it in your schedule. Because you need to keep up the intimacy. So if it doesn't come spontaneously for you, PLAN IT. Wednesday night: massage in the nude. Saturday night: movies in the nude. Once a month: handjob while watching porn. Showering together also helps. Anything really, that is intimate, even if it does not involve sex.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 February 2016):
 Are you on any treatment at the moment? Medication or therapy? Does it help? I think you need to start by managing your dyspareunia and getting the help that is out there.
It is great to hear that your husband is understanding it shows that he loves you. I am also glad that you acknowledge that he is also suffering. In my opinion yes sex and intimacy is very important in a marriage to keep it alive. At the moment if you are unable to have intercourse then that is okay but maybe do other things to spice up your sex life. You mention that you cannot get turned on at all. Well maybe start slowly. Tell your husband that sex is off limits at the moment, but am sure you can both still enjoy exploring each others bodies. Hands and mouths can be just as good and very intimate between you both. Talk to your husband about your fears.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (17 February 2016):
Have you been to a doctor to establish the cause of your dyspareunia? Do you know if there is a physiological or psychological cause for it?
I do think that sex is important to marriage, though. Or at least some form of sexual expression - it wouldn't have to be penetrative sexual intercourse; there are other methods of sexual stimulation. I think that the majority of people would struggle in a marriage which was totally devoid of sexual interaction.
You should seek some therapy if your dyspareunia doesn't have a phsyiological cause
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