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No self-confidence and I'm a virgin at 25. Where do I start?

Tagged as: Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (25 December 2005) 141 Answers - (Newest, 29 October 2011)
A male United Kingdom, anonymous writes:

Hi,

Got a good question. I am 25 and I am a virgin. A pure virgin. Never been kissed, Never had a girlfriend. I have a low self confidence since been bullied at school and I've just watch "The 40 Year Old Virgin". It was very uncomfortable viewing. I don't want to be a 40 year old virgin. It's bad enough been a 25 year old virgin. I guess you could say I need help. PLEASE. How do I start, I think I'm losing it.

View related questions: bullied, confidence, never had a girlfriend

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A male reader, zenzen United Kingdom +, writes (29 October 2011):

Hello,

This is a message to the person who posted the original comment. I'd love to have sent you this in a private message but you're anonymous so I'm unable to (of course, I don't blame you).

Anyway, what I wanted to say was - it seems to me that I'm in a very similar situation to you.

It's quite disturbing. I'm still a virgin at 25, I'm fat, not good-looking, I have no self-esteem, low confidence, never been kissed, never had a girlfriend... even though many people consider me to be a nice sensitive guy.

I've been severely depressed since I was a teenager. I lost my mother to cancer 2 years ago (like yourself) which turned my whole world upside down. Due to my current lifestyle I don't meet many people and I don't drink or do drugs or party.

I'm anti-social by nature but I'm not some kind of monster. I think I could be a good boyfriend to someone. I have a lot of love to give.

Anyway, it seems like I'll be bored from sexual frustration if nothing happens soon. There's no hope for me anywhere on the horizon so I watch a lot of porn and speak to women on the internet. This makes me very sad. Before I know it, I'll be the 40-year-old virgin. (That movie also scared the shit out of me)

-Ali

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2011):

Greetings to all you people. I stumbled upon this thread accidentally during a serious cold, and it suddenly reminded of my virgin days. I recognized myself in almost all of your posts here. If my reply will help some of you, I will know I've made a good deed.

I know the feeling of desperation and depression. I was all too familiar with it when I was a virgin with very low self-confidence. It was about 5 years ago, I was 19 at the time, I know some of you will see the age as rather young, but I was experiencing all the desperation you mentioned in your posts. I was a lonely boy during my school years, didn't have any friends(or barely one or two), did not have a gang, as wasn't too interested in school. I was interested only in my hobbies, such as reading, watching discovery, etc. and at about 18 I thought it was time for me to start looking for girls.

Then I realized how a blunt guy with low self-confidence and not even the SLIGHTEST idea about how to treat a girl.

I suffered quite a lot, I was depressed, I dated a few chicks and the act of touching their hand and telling them I like them seemed as difficult as winning an armwrestling contest with a silverback gorilla. And, as you can figure out yourselves, nothing worked out.

My lucky moment was when I decided to go out with a chick I knew she liked me(my sister told me) and dated her and Hallelujah! after a few weeks I wasn't a virgin anymore. I won't say about how it feels like, that is irrelevant,+ it will make you more frustrated, but I will share you a few vital things in overcoming the situation, VITAL THINGS that people around this site don't tell:

1 - STOP looking for a special someone! I was doing the same thing and I was SUFFERING GREATLY. There is no SPECIAL someone when you're a delayed virgin, I've been there and seen it with my own eyes! This is just a mirage given to you by your low self-confidence, in this state we can't perceive some realities correctly. So STOP believing you need a special girl, you just need a girl, that's all. A normal girl! period. There is no suck thing as a special one for you there. You will laugh at the idea once you gain self-confidence.

2 - Wanna know the TRUTH about girls? You really want to know it? They are mean, selfish, cunning creatures that lie and dissimulate almost all the time. And I am NOT MISOGYNISTIC. It is just the way they are, I can love one even knowing the truth. When I was a delayed virgin, I WAS ABSOLUTELY SURE that they were innocent, pure beings, always vulnerable and sensitive. The truth came out after: they are not like that at all! And I can see this EVEN HERE: almost all the females who have replied to this thread told you that you need to find a SPECIAL someone when the time comes! That's BULLCR*P, because if you ask any of them if they would have sex with a low-confident virgin male, they will say NO without lingering. The "special someone" reply is complete and utter hogwash!

3 - The fact that "idiotic assholish guys" get to have sex with chicks is directly linked to point nr. 2. Chicks seem vulnerable, kind, sensitive and innocent, but what they really like is a dumb gorilla to shag them. They turn down nice guys because they seem too feminine to generate attraction. Testosterone makes you aggressive, dumb, big and smelly. And that is what Mother Nature expects from a male. And that is why delayed virgins suffer, myself too at that age, because they don't meet these expectations. This is the way mother nature programmed females. MALE = big, rude, smelly, strong. FEMALE = small, kind, apparently innocent and vulnerable. THIS is the way mother nature works, and this is a fact few people(especially women) will tell to delayed virgins.

OK, now then, since I'm no more a virgin and I've passed through the awful situation of being a delayed one, these are my hints for now:

* - have someone working as a spy to tell you if there is any girl around who is attracted to you. And then, you must work on your gorilla conduct(this is not deceiving and lying or such, it is just a boost of masculinity meant to get you to the desired destination with the girl). And this is: talking about your hobbies, but not bore her, trying to get to the gym in order to build up some body mass(you don't have to look like Arnold, but it's better to have a definite male look) and DON'T ask for PERMISSION !!!! If you want to touch her hand or kiss her, DON'T ASK!!!

In conclusion, keep in mind what Mother Nature dictates. Stop all that medieval chivalry tales about "special someone", "innocent, sincere and chaste girls" and stupid things as such, even if you hear them on sites like this. Remember, I've been there, and I know how you feel, and I'm with you, guys, and wish to help as many of you I can.

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A female reader, a woman United States +, writes (9 May 2011):

I must say how much I appreciate this post. I am a 27 year old female virgin, and I have felt conflicted about this for the past few years. A couple years ago, I fell in love with a man who is, shall we say, very experienced. We were fooling around one evening, and in the moment, pants around ankles, I told him I had never slept with anyone before.

"Never?"

"Never."

"I wouldn't have guessed that. I mean I've slept with women I thought were virgins and weren't, and, well, I wouldn't have thought..."

Which led to a very sweet discussion. And many more sweet discussions. But I am still a virgin. Why? Because he thought I should save myself for marriage. He said it was beautiful and didn't want to steal my innocence, that he was dirty and I was clean, and he didn't want to destroy that. Sex is an issue that keeps us apart when it should be bringing us together. He seems to truly admire my virginity and respect it.

I appreciate his honesty and his kindness. But sometimes I feel very sexually frustrated, especially knowing that someone I love and trust was right there, in the moment, and if I had kept my mouth shut, he would have been my first. Life has happened; things have changed. We have been together and not, always struggling with my virginity...

The point I'm trying to make here is that while I was a virgin by choice for a long time, I hit a point (whenever that was) when I began to need a man who understands that I need to move slowly when it comes to sex. I want it, but it is new and awkward. So many guys I know want to jump right in to the deed, and I can acknowledge that if I were more experienced, a one night stand or a quickie with them would be great fun, but I don't want to start off in the back of someone's truck, if you know what I mean.

So I'm waiting for the one...the one who will be with me more than once...who will enjoy introducing me to what I like and don't like. He may not be my Forever, but he will respect the journey. I wish he'd show up with a little more haste, but...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Well I'm back, thanks for asking. No nothing has changed.

Well thats a lie because I am now 30, 31 in less than a month.

I lost my dear mother last year to cancer.....

So my mood is bad, no longer able to play the same role as part of mother and son relationship.

Feel even more now that I need to replace the love lost, but doesn't seem much chance of that.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011):

I was a 30 years old virgin till a few months ago.

To all of you who are still one. I feel the pain. The ridicule and stereotyping of being a virgin still rings in my head sometimes... it hurts, i know... I used to lash back at people who even mentions it a little.

First and foremost, being shy and anti-social is a cause in my case. I guess having this perfect picture of what relationships is all about and how it is supposed to be is the second problem. All I can say is that being a virgin until marriage is only cherished if you are a woman. I would say staying a virgin is best but may not be possible with today's standard in society or mainstream prejudice. So my advice to the girls is doing it to someone who means something to you when the time is right, even when you find one don't do it to quickly in a relationship... best is when when married.

My advice to the guys don't try to lose it quickly, but try to get into a relationship with a woman. It is a healthier and the more correct way of approaching the your virginity. I didn't think much about being a virgin when pursuing my love. I was just too much head over heels... If we do, we lose confidence so has less chance of succeeding.

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A female reader, kathaiti United States +, writes (24 December 2010):

To all the virgins on here,

Do not be ashamed of being a virgin. Virginity is the most precious gift you can give to the one you marry. So whatever age you are, I encourage you to hold on to your virginity until you're married or have found the one.

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A female reader, jonas Singapore +, writes (24 December 2010):

jonas agony auntI'm 37 and I'm a virgin too. Well I don't think it's a shame not to be laid. In fact, I rather be that way until after marriage not so much due to my belief as a Christian but due to previous bad experiences in relationships that made me the way I am today.

My fiancee respects me and won't force me. I think the stigma is not so much about when you lose your virginity but you gotta think about the repercussions if you give it to someone who don't deserve it. You will hate yourself for giving away sthg so precious to someone just like that. Also, there are soul ties involved bcos you love that someone and it's your first time afterall.

I am someone who can't be liberal without no emotional ties involved after being physical with a guy. So I learn to protect myself that way. I gotta know my fiancee from the net. Before I got to know him, there are plenty of guys I befriended too. I seem to attract a fair bit of attention or you could put it that way that guys on the net just try to befriend as many gals as they could so you never know their real intention for befriending you. Some to kill time, some to have companion and some wanting to have sex with you.

I told them about my stand ie. no sex before marriage and that made many guys vanish without a word. Some even probed like how far would I go in a relationship with them. Well to me, if you ask that kind of questions, you wouldn't love a gal seriously to respect her but you're thinking more in terms of what can I get from you in a relationship. I don't blame them and its good to set the record straight to know what you're in for at the start.

The first guy I really like was my ex colleague. I liked him for 2 years. He was blowing hot and cold. When I resigned, he was so nice and would call me every now and then. He just want to go to bed with me. He even drove me to a motel and tried to coax me into giving. I said no and he doesn't want any trouble.

After I refused him, he was very distant and kept a distance. At a company gathering, he flirted with my good friend as if I was transparent. I cried my eyeballs out that night but I never regret not giving him. He opened my eyes.

My second bf, I suspected that he was married or attached but he refused to admit. He ever played me out once and I made him run the park in his full attire for 10 rounds and he did. That tells me to give him another chance and perhaps he has some genuine reasons.

He came to my place when my family members were not in and coaxed me into sex. When I refused, he tried to rape me. I fought with him and it seems like eternity bcos he was so much stronger. I was about to give up when his tool cannot "stand". It was like god was helping me.

You can't find your confidence in a guy and you won't be able to do that. You will be disappointed. When you have your own confidence, you will attract the right kind of guy who wants a lasting relationship with you and love you for who you are. If not, you may attract the wrong type of guys and you end up getting hurt.

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A male reader, john michael lewis United States +, writes (19 December 2010):

john michael lewis agony auntive waited 43 years to tell anyone that i am a virgin, its always been way too difficult and extremely embarrassing to even imagine revealing it. i recently told my sister and it felt good in a way to get it out in the open. soon this information i passed along to a.....what was until then a very good female friend and now we havnt talked in a while and i heard that she thinks that im some kind of creep, of course it didnt help telling her while bringing her gifts on her birthday and then falling over and breaking something because i was drinking too much plus i wrote something i guess for some people was too overwhelmingly friendly. i wish none of this ever happened because i would still have her friendship at least.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010):

Wow. As a 27 year old female virgin, I thought that I was dealing with my frustration and confusion alone. It's hard to believe that there are actually men in my age demographic that find themselves in the same boat. Like a lot of the posts I've read on here, it's just one of those things that I put on the back burner. Now I'm starting to wonder if I've procrastinated to the point of no return. The anonymity of this site is nice in a way, but I also wish that I could speak with others out there experiencing all the feelings that I am. I would like to say that I'm not an overweight, socially inept, unattractive geek... I think it lends itself more towards being slightly shy and always having something else going on to get in the way.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010):

I am in my early 30's. Not even kissed. I have close friends who are happily married, those who go from one bed to the next as a lifestyle choice, and then other friends like myself who have probably never felt any semblance of even the most shallow form of love in their lives.

I'm not ugly. I have a very good sense of humour, and I get along with a whole plethora of different kinds of people. I enjoy good respect in work and have won several scholarships back in school, as well as have a good starting career in business economy. I'm nice, and seek to avoid confrontations where possible. I suspect I might be too nice, but I question the need not to be... why would I be an ass after all?

Thing is, I have been on dozens of dates in my life. But without a single exception the women call it off. It's come to the point where I myself have started calling things off just so I can do it first, since obviously any connection I have with anyone is only a one-side thing anyway. And let me tell you, it hurts. It hurts like nothing should, knowing that career, hobbies, friends... all that is meaningless if I am to be a reject for my entire life. And being 30-years old I'm man enough to admit that at this point there's bound to be some permanent damage psychologically or socially, for this is NOT normal.

This is not my choice, and I do not live in a country where religions would make a bit of difference. And I've made damn sure no-one in my life has a clue of what's going on. I simply cannot understand where people find soulmates or even 1-time flings, when it looks to me like getting the opposite sex to feel anything at all towards me is damn near impossible. And I'm getting sick and tired of my friends commenting on what they merely know to be a 2-3 year long streak of being single as unbelievable while they lie (what else can it be but lying, if facts speak for themselves) about my looks and personality and spew the typical garbage on how anyone to have me would be "lucky".... all the while every potentially interesting person in my entire life has treated me as trash, or "just a friend".

This message is the first time I have ever spoken out loud about this to anyone. Mainly because I feel at this age, it doesn't really matter anymore. I don't see myself as pursuing career or anything else much longer, if all I get is a lonely life while friends continue to be around less and less since they are building lives and families of their own.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010):

Hey!

I am 20 years old virgin female

I really dont get it :S I think being a virgin is such a turn on!!!

I am a virgin by choice and I am no ashamed or embarrassed of it I have never lied about it to anyone... I have guys wanting to have sex with me and I tell them straight that I am a virgin and am not interested in being just a one night stand or something meaningless like that! And everytime i tell someone I am a virgin the reaction i get is "i can take it away from you".

so if u wanna lose it den i suggest u just admit you a virgin

For me, Being a virgin is really cool, i dont think i have found anyone serious enough and its nt a big deal!

THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT PAY JUST TO HAVE SEX WITH A VIRGIN!!!!

so that must mean it is a turn on to some people! u just gotta be confident and have a strong personality to be able to admit you are a virgin... maybe once you accept it and see it as a normal thing... thinks will just flow and ur confident attitude will shine through...

there is really no point in lying that you are not a virgin. just accept yourself for who you are... if you get rejected... so what? big deal! there's plenty fish in the sea....

for those who are less confident i suggest perhaps a makeover look or something it really helped my cousin when I threw her horrible clothes away and got her nice ones now everyone recognises her beauty that was hidden for years she wasnt confident at all! she would hide herslef in huge clothes and big coats.... for her wearing a dress with leggings or sumething would be unthinkable at the time!..

there's plenty fashion make up magazines, youtube videos etc and if you look good you feel good if you feel good about urself this stops being an issue its all about confidence!:P

dont get me wrong its not all about the looks but this is just a step to help you feel more confident...you gotta start somewhere... i know its easier said than done... it was hard for her aswell... but u gotta think about yourself if you dont want this situation to persist!

then you will b truly ready for intimacy!!

i hope i helped you!

let me know your answers! if anyone tries it out!

Virgin till I decide to lose it :P

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010):

I am a 30 year-old virgin and I am also very embarassed to talk about it, but I'm glad I have now taken this opportunity to say something.

First things first, I have a university degree like most people and I am perfectly capable of intelligent conversation. I don't think I'm unattractive and personality wise, I have female friends who are perfectly comfortable with being around me. Apparently I'm a good listener and I'm definitely not socially inept.

My reasons are quite several and not by choice. As a teenager, unfortunately I spent too much time watching tv and playing computer games. When I was at university, I had several female friends but at that time for some reason all I wanted to do was hang out with friends and generally have lots of fun (non-sexual). As far as I was concerned, being in a relationship would only get in the way of that.

When I was doing my PhD starting at the age of 22, I still wasn't thinking much about relationships. I was having a great time with friends and all. It was only after I was done and dusted with my studies and found a job at the age of 28 that I started thinking to myself "shit, I've never had a girlfriend and I'm a virgin".

By this time it was too late. I've made two love declarations at the age of 18 and 25 and I was turned down both times. I'm now 30 and I was just rejected by a girl yesterday. All of a sudden, I now have to learn things which I should have learnt when I was 16, except now most women around me are already married.

I've always been a positive person and my friends have told me the same, but things are really not looking good. To cut the long story short, It's a little late for me now. Women will never want to date a 30 year-old virginal man who has never been in a relationship. It's just not done. I can keep it quiet but eventually I will be found out. I've warned my mom that she should not expect grandchildren from me. I'm frustrated and I just want to be a normal person, with a girlfriend and all. But like what previous posters have said before, some people have just been dealt shitty hands in life. I am still trying to come to terms with it, but this time will come. The 30 year-old virgin is a real minority, I just happen to be one of them...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010):

Hi everyone, I'm 23, a guy and the first thing I'll say is i'm not a virgin anymore, but I was up until, 6 months ago, so i do know where you guys are coming from, cos it did my head in for ages, and i mean big time!!, what i will say is if you find someone really special like i did you will be glad you waited, rather than just giving it to anyone, cos when your with the right person and you love them its the most amazing and natural thing in the world. I just told her straight about it and she said it didn't matter and it actually made her love me even more for it!!. So what will say is just wait till you find someone you love and who adores you and then it will just come naturally and you will be glad you waited. Best of luck!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010):

Hi everyone, I'm 23, a guy and the first thing I'll say is i'm not a virgin anymore, but I was up until, 6 months ago, so i do know where you guys are coming from, cos it did my head in for ages, and i mean big time!!, what i will say is if you find someone really special like i did you will be glad you waited, rather than just giving it to anyone, cos when your with the right person and you love them its the most amazing and natural thing in the world. I just told her straight about it and she said it didn't matter and it actually made her love me even more for it!!. So what will say is just wait till you find someone you love and who adores you and then it will just come naturally and you will be glad you waited. Best of luck!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010):

I am a 24 year old virgin, and this is not my choice. I would desperately like to lose my virginity, and I feel that I have tried everything.

I think first it is best to describe myself.

I would describe my self as average looking, not ugly or supremely attractive. I have a university degree, and a good job. I have my own car, and an apartment. I feel that I should be considered attractive to somebody, however I get very little positive attention from females. As well, I have many close friends, who I would consider to be funny, cool, and fairly popular people.

Anyways, I am still a virgin, and as the months go on, this burns me inside more and more. I feel that this problem, becomes worse and worse as time goes on, because it becomes exponentionally more and more likely that this will be permanent.

I am very surprised that this has happened to me, and I should have seen this coming throughout my younger days. When I was 17, I was asked by an attractive girl that I knew, to fuck her, and I turned her down. I'm not really sure why. But I remeber instantly regretting it, and saying, well there will be many more chances.

There likely have been more chances, but I have ignored them, or completely screwed them up, always saying there will be more chances. After all, WHAT KIND OF NORMAL GUY WILL REMAIN A VIRGIN INTO HIS MID TWENTIES? But as I am 24, and these opportunites have completely disappeared for two or three years now, It seems like this could conceivebly happen to any man out of bad luck.

I would like to shed some light on why a normal, heterosexual, man with an adequate sex drive remains a virgin. I realize it takes confidence to attract a mate. As you move on in life, and your virginity continues, you lose confidence. Several reasons why,; you think i am a complete failure in attracting women (very true by theway) Any women will realize I am a virgin and I will be exposed, and I will suck in bed. (This is a true).

I also do not understand how to flirt, or even recognize if a girl is attracted to me. I do not have the faintest idea, and as I get older this will increase. I do not know what to say to a women to "hit" on her, and even how to initiate sexual contact.

Also, I find myself depressed and resentful. Obviously since I've never had sex, I've never really had a girlfriend. I do not want to provide details of my dating past because I don't have time, but trust me it is pretty pathetic. I not only desperetaly want to have sex, but also to find a female companion that I can bond with, and maybe fall in love. Although the girl I lose my virginity to could realistically be anyone, I don't give a shit.

Never having been in a relationship, definetely radiates of me, and women know this. They also likely have an instinct to recognize that I am a virgin. As well, I often get angry with women, as I feel that this virginity curse has been inflicted on me by them, although I realize that this is at least half my own fault.

Anyways I have been writing for a long time, and feel that this rant has made me feel better, and I hope it has made someone else understand what it is like to be an involuntary adult male virgin living in the 21st century. It sucks.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010):

You people seriously need to get laid. What is all that talk about Mr. and Ms. Right showing up? There is no such thing as princesses and knights in shiny armor. Life is about falling in love with an imperfect person and accepting them for who they are.

Further, there is nothing special about virginity. All this talk is conservative and completely nonsense. You need some sexual experimentation before meeting the love of your life. You have to find out what you like and how you can please your loved one.

Just go ahead and make it happen. There is nothing so 'mystical' and special in sex. Two people experience chemistry, two people sleep with each other. I was 21 when I lost my virginity and it was a conscious choice. I had low-self esteem before that so it took me some time to work on my appearance and confidence.

Understand the fact that there is nothing special about the first sex. It can actually be quite bad. You only have one life, don't waste the options and chances you get or you will seriously regret it once you grow old!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010):

My boyfriend of 2 years recently confessed that he was still a virgin when we started dating. I say 'confessed' as he led me to believe that he had had other partners before me. He was 25 when we began going out.

All I can say is that I wish he had never felt the need to lie and that I was actually very happy when i found out! It made me feel very special and priveliged and it took away a lot of my insecurities.

I think men are lucky because they don't always have to let their partner know that they are a virgin (it can be awkward to have such a discussion). But I think lots of women will appreciate your honesty and also feel just like I did. Its certainly nothing to be ashamed or embarassed about and it can make your partner feel all the more special.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2010):

I'm 30 and I am still a virgin as well.

I am normally fit into the girls 'gay' best friend category even though I am not gay. But for some reason because I do not try to get into their pants they see me as 'safe'. I want my girlfriend to be my best friend.

I got close to a girl for a couple of years. I fell for her we were good mates. It was brilliant. I told her how I felt and she was with someone else, and she did not feel ashamed. It ripped me to pieces.

It does upset me that I am 30 and have never had a girlfriend. I have kissed girls and made out with them but that's as far as it's gone. I too have high standards. I want an intelligent, fun and beautiful women who has a good sense of humour who I can enjoy the rest of my life with.

I want to be a family man but I have let my career run my life and now I feel if someone came to me and said career and money and no wife or no career but wife I would take the wife.

Alot of women seem to want to go out get drunk and sleep around and go for the best guys in the room. I keep thinking I'm not going to meet a girl on a night out but where else am I going to meet one?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2010):

I'm 22 -- which should place me on the younger side of this discussion. But, I have never been on a date, asked out, or even developed anything past an occasional coffee. I'm unfortunately a workaholic who thought that I would meet a nice, smart girl if I went to a really top university. But, although my professional life is in order, I still find myself perpetually alone. Nearly all of my friends are in relationships, and even faculty ask why I never show up to events with a date. I throw myself back into work to get my mind off it, but it really hurts when at the end of the work-week I'm left with nothing on a Friday or Saturday evening. My friends and family tell me to find a balance and perhaps meet someone, but the girls I'm attracted to never reciprocate. What does occur is that I end up with numerous 'female friends' who come to me for advice, which is quite depressing, particularly since I often try to avoid being the 'nicest guy in the room.'

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2010):

I am 28/M/Straight and when I was 16 years old I remember laying thinking about breaking up with this real capital B that I was going out with and I said to myself I can always get another, but 12 years gone by and I have not held hands, kissed, loved, or anything. All around me my friends are getting married and dating others right and left. The thought of it makes me sick. I always get your really nice, but not my type. I am really happy go lucky and not really depressed. But going to main events like rock concerts, 4th of July, and other big things I just see everyone mocking me around me by being together. I watch movies and feel nothing like Forgetting Sara Marshal. I seen my friends break up and being the worse thing in their lives and they tell me how lucky I am for nothing having to have the same problem. 3 weeks later their with someone else. I seen it all around and I do not know. I get shot down a lot... A LOT. Put me in a slump. Things are not like the movies. Shallow Hal, The Hottie and the Nottie, and others like 40 old Virgin are always with a happy ending. Make me sick, I still like the movies but their totally make you wounder what your doing wrong. Glad to see others like me. So, have not been with anyone touched another girl or anything in 12 years. I do not even know what to look for any more or what to do. Tried internet dating, never got one reply, message or anything. Change a bunch of things messaged a lot of people still nothing. Hate those things. I know your thinking how ugly could I be!? lol I do not think people around me see me as being ugly. I am over weight but not like a hippo or anything. I am just the person people talk to when they need a friend. Maybe someone could give me some dating advise? What do I say when I find a person I like? Where do I go to meet someone? Where do you go to find girls around 25 to 35? Any advise?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010):

I'm 50. I've never been in a 'relationship' and never had a girlfriend. I've accepted it as my reality, my norm. I just wish people would quit asking why and/or trying to fix it. It is what it is. Most days I don't think about it. I have a full life. When I die I will have but one regret and that is to have never known love. I don't believe there is someone for everyone. I think for some there are a lot of choices. For others there are few or none.

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A female reader, TillyTwo United Kingdom +, writes (5 October 2010):

Seems weird me having a say, what with me being seventeen and probably the youngest person on here. I actually found this site by accident and was intrigued when I read some of the stories. I totally get where you're coming from, and lots of you will think "oh she's still a child, she shouldn't be worried about being a virgin!" well, ha, you are totally wrong. pretty much all of my male friends have had sex and the majority of my female friends have, and openly talk about positions and foreplay etc infront of me. I get the urges- by God I get the urges- but the oppertunity is never there. I know that some people think your virginity is extremely important, but I also think sex is about fun, so if you lose your virginity to someone who sells their body, or someone who has been a lifelong friend, or the love of your life, it doesn't matter as long as you enjoy it and you both have fun. My advice is head to places where it's easy to make friends with strangers- like a club! But go with friends, it'll be harder for you if you are by yourself. And don't worry about not being kissed, I only had my first kiss a few months ago, it's different for everyone, so don't worry and HAVE FUN!

xx

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010):

I'm 18 and a virgin because of a condition I have called phimosis. I cannot pull my foreskin back behind the head of the penis. It's very frustrating, as I feel I would have lost my virginity years ago if it wasn't for my condition. Most of my friends are not virgins anymore and I feel left out. I've been considering circumsion but I'm a bit nervous about having that done. I've read online about stretching exercises but I'm nervous about aswell in case I hurt myself.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2010):

To any male virgin : your problem is no girlfriend . Get a girlfriend . Ignore fact your a virgin. A worthwhile girl will understand your inexpierence and probably love your honesty. If girl is put off that your a virgin then she's a slut and never suitable for long lasting relationship. Your virginity can be your personal gf suitability tester. You are in the same boat as any non virgin single. You just need a gf. Being a virgin does not put you at a disadvantage to getting a long lasting gf. It is only a disadvantage to getting a one night stand with a slut and a STD . So to get a long lasting gf you need to put yourself out there . Develop interests hobbies , even if it's liking a tv show. Be confident in your expierience in anything besides sex .

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2010):

I'm grateful to read this post and the other single and virgin posts (I'm a 28 yr old virgin) and I will be honest here - I don't conform with many things, in high school I didn't do drugs and have sex just to fit in, so I didn't fit in, and I'm honest and carefree, I love to socialize, I have many friends, and I know I'm decent looking, but I guess the media and society has gotten to me. Everyday we're faced with beautiful people and naked bodies and it's not so much that I want to conform, but I feel I am missing out.

Sex brings intimacy on a whole other level, so I'm told by many friends, and I almost feel it's a part of growing up that I never experienced. Yes, it's never too late, but I constantly wish I was younger because honestly, at this age, you don't just want to give yourself up for a short-term relationship. But the point I want to get to is this:

Why has no one mentioned how we people with low self-confidence could possibly work on that and open up? For me at least, it's not about remaining pure, and I don't see people who lost their virginity as a teen as people who sleep around with loads of people either. It's not about total denial and overindulgence, it's about a healthy and natural balance. Sex is normal, and for me to never have been in a relationship, and to only have been propositioned by men who are players is hurtful. I take it personally, I take it to mean there is something I need to fix in me. Friends care and say, you'll meet the right person. I don't believe that, there is NOT just one right person out there, and maybe there have been many, but because of my insecurities and fear I have not seen the good men who were interested.

So to those who have had relationships and sex, please give advice on how, the older we virgins get, we can reconcile having not had it. As one guy said above, it's sad but true that you feel like you have to keep the lack of a relationship/sex under wraps more so than the fact you had a divorce or failed relationship. I'm all for being yourself and not being pressured. But for those of us who really want to have sex (in a relationship, not a one night stand), how can we get to the stage where we believe we are more than worthy of being loved, that we are a catch? Kind of hard to believe it when men don't hit on you and you are too shy to hit on them.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2010):

Hello all After reading your entries on here I feel I should add my tale of woe. I'm 29 and have never had the fortune to be with that truly special person. I never bothered with girls when I was at school, college or even university. My first ever girlfriend was when I was 21 - it lasted 2 months. Just over 2 years later, I dated another girl for 2 months. A year later, I dated another girl for just under 2 months. None of them had the feelings for me they did when we started out, and I am not in contact with any of them anymore. I was not in love with any of them. Then, in June 2007 (2 years after my previous date) I was in a relationship for 8 months. I liked the woman, chased her, and by the time we were together, I was bored. But I stayed with her, as I thought I couldn't do any better. As the months rolled by, I realised I wasn't in love with her and that we were not suited at all. It lasted 8 months and I was so happy when it was over. I never had sex with any of them, either. In 2009 I went to the 5th anniversary of the company I work for: I was the only single person there! It was the first time in my life that being single bothered me, and it has been bugging me and making me lose sleep since. I have had some truly beautiful and amazing female friends, but they've never wanted to be more than friends. Now they're engaged ... I totally understand everyone on this posting. I feel as though it's never going to happen for me, that I'll never know what it's like to kiss someone passionately, have an intelligent conversation with a truly fascinating woman who finds me attractive, or feel true love. All my mates are married, and now my sister is getting married! I see others break up all the time and tell me I'm 'lucky' to be single - no, I'm not! Good luck and best wishes to all of you.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010):

I'm 35 and never been married, never had a gf, never had sex, never been kissed, never dated, and never even come close to dating. It's like this huge, heavy secret I have to keep to myself and never speak of in public. And with each passing year, the weight of this burden gets heavier and heavier. There is just no acceptance or understanding whatsoever from society for people in this situation. If you're having serious marital problems, at least society understands that. But if your problem is never having had a relationship at all, no one understands. Tell someone you're middle-aged and divorced and they'll look at you with sympathy. But tell someone you're middle-aged and never had a date, and you'll suddenly feel like an alien on your own planet. Bad enough when you're young and everyone around you is hooking up. But when you're older and all your friends are married, having kids, and starting to socialize only with other married couples, it only makes you feel like even more of an outsider and a freak. I read that it's actually more respectable - in women's eyes anyway - for a guy over 40 to be divorced than it is for him to be single! It's this kind of prejudice that shows how grossly unfair life can be to those who are different. I look at people in relationships and think they don't realize how lucky they are. Even if they're not totally happy or are having problems, they still have the acceptance of society. They can go to Christmas, Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve gatherings without fear of embarrassment. They'll never be made to sit at the children's table because they have no mate. Or feel totally left out on Valentine's Day. Even if their marriage ends in divorce, they'll still have plenty of company in the form of other divorcees and support groups. Having had a relationship, even a failed one, guarantees they will never feel as alone and rejected by society as everyone here does on an almost daily basis. Some of the messages I've been reading are about not giving up, not losing hope. But to me it seems increasingly naive, even reality-denying, to hold out hope. As time goes on, it seems more sensible to prepare for a life of isolation and loneliness than it is to prepare for a relationship that may never come. The light at the end of my tunnel grows dimmer the closer I get to it. Unfortunately you only get one shot at life. And soon, all there will be left for me to do is mull over the past and wonder how I ever got to this dreadful point in the first place.

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A female reader, moonbeam22 United States +, writes (1 September 2010):

Hi dear. Do not worry please. I feel like you. I had my first kiss late in life and I am a virgin too though not as pure as you, i guess i define it differently, To be honest, I wish I had never done anything, even kissed. I wish I could meet the guy of my dreams and share all my firsts with him. Health/disease wise, it's great that you haven't done anything. So when you do start doing stuff, make sure you talk to the person and they get tested, if that is important to you I mean, at least for HIV. Not to scare you, if you are safe and smart you'll be fine. But let's not think about that for now, because you have to meet someone first and then get in a good relationship.

I promise, no matter who you are, what type of person, what you look like, what you sound like, etc etc, you will meet people. Everywhere you go there are people...some are good and some are bad. You will me all kinds...if you think someone is nice just ask them out. IF you want...

I think it's nice that you haven't even kissed someone. Don't just try to kiss any random person. You dont have to be picky or anything but what I mean is, don't go to a bar and just find anyone. If you meet someone nice, try to go out with them and if the moment is right maybe you will kiss or maybe not.

I was bullied SOOO much as a kid. I never thought people would like me, or that anyone would be attracted to me even. And now I have so many men interested in me not just because they want to get some but because they like me! You sound like a sweetheart, I bet if you just took a change on meeting some people and going out you'd be a great catch and have a wonderful personality.

Don't put so much pressure on the virginity thing...it's really better to wait until you find the right person anyway. If you decide you just want to kiss and hook up and have sex because you just want to, then that is okay too, but like I said be safe.

I promise you, you will meet someone...maybe it wont be forever, but you will meet people and have opportunities to go out, date and even kiss.

I never thought I'd kiss anyone, or have friends or a boyfriend. I felt hopeless. I still feel like that a lot but you know what? I have a date tomorrow. Even though I just spent my evening crying about a guy I was in love with who doesn't love me back, I am going to keep trying. But I'm not going to change myself too much, I won't sleep with anyone just to make them like me.

Don't feel like there is anything wrong with you. You are an amazing beautiful person. You deserve every bit of happiness that comes your way and you will meet someone incredible and perfect for you. It's so much easier said than done, but sometimes you have to pretend to believe things before you actually do believe them.

if you ever want to talk, you can email me at [email address blocked]

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010):

im 23 and im a virgin, no biggie. too much pressure now a days to lose your virginity when you are super young. you'll do it when you're ready, that's all.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010):

hallo i see we share some problems. i am 27 and "virgin" not typicaly but i never had any relationships, just sometimes with hookers..

i am bothered very much by not having affairs all these years, since i see friends of mine that have a new gf every month...

i am sure that this will effect my future life, i think things like "why i dont have the right to have sex with a 16 yo girl, or a 17 or 15" etc etc. most of my friends had sex when they were 15, 16 etc.... I DONT HAVE THE RIGHT? i think like that and im afraid i will do stupid things that will get me to jail.

another thing is, i am considered cool in my area, but since i could never do anything sexually i think there is a problem with myself.. i dont know.. i recently had an eczema on hands and it is from stress.. and it is a very stressfull situation for me to know everybody is fucking somebody except from me....

and i try to find a girl everyday for the last 8 years but never had luck. younger i could talk with girls but didnt know what to say to get them, but now i have more trouble talking to girls and people in general because i know they fuck, and i dont. and dont fool ourselves IN OUR WORLD U ARE WHO U FUCK.

and for girls saving their virginity for marrige, please dont write here, you are in a very diferent situation than we are. u can loose your virginity anytime.

the problem starts when you WANT to fuck girls casually like everybody does, BUT YOU DONT GET THEM. i hope this changes soon because it gives me many problems..

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A male reader, AaronFuller United States +, writes (9 August 2010):

I am the 33 year old version of the original poster. I too was bullied growing up, mostly by other kids but also by my father who dominates my life. I didn't do anything he didn't want me to growing up and to rebel I quit doing things he wanted me to like sports and Boy Scouts and playing the trumpet. I was pretty good at it but I think because it was something he wanted me to do I quit doing it. I'm also a pretty good singer but I don't sing in front of my parents because it is a way to rebel against them. I've done karaoke once and it was while I was dating someone who I thought really liked me and I received a lot of compliments from the audience. One said "I've been to a lot of places and heard a lot of people sing live and you are one of the best." Now the woman I was dating tells me "your lack of confidence pushes people away" and that "I don't have any sexual feelings toward you at all." I just recently found out she's still friends with the guy she was supposed to marry but broke up with in January. She asked me "do you even want to date me?" in February and the only reason I hadn't asked her before then was because I thought she was still with her fiancé. We went out dancing a couple of times, held hands once while driving back from her sister's house who had a pool party, I've met her parents, she's met mine- we never kissed. I've never kissed a girl. I'd like to just once, before I die, kiss a woman I love and who loves me. I'm so alone and so down I can barely function. I have friends who say "talk to me if you need to" but I don't think I can. I'm afraid what I'll say will get back to the woman I was dating and she'll never have anything to do with me. I don't want to be this way, I don't want to hang on to someone who's already let me go. I haven't been what I would call "truly happy" since I was in elementary school- that's when the bullying first began- 5th grade. Another factor is when I was very young- probably 5 or 6 I found pornography in my parent's dresser drawer and later at around 9 or 10 found pornographic movies in my parent's closet along with sexual aides. I think maybe my exposure to such material at such a young age somehow caused my brain to be wired up wrong. I know I need help but I can't afford it because I don't make enough money. From the time I was in college until just a couple of years ago I made a bad habit of running up credit cards and getting behind on bills. My parents have bailed me out at least three times that I can think of. I live with them now but I was living by myself from 2001-2008. I can't afford counseling and don't feel like I can tell anybody else about all of this but I know it is killing me because my health is getting worse- blood pressure, weight. What can I do? I will try counseling if I can find a good counselor who is affordable. I live in mid-Missouri, west of Camdenton.

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A male reader, motorontose Ghana +, writes (12 June 2010):

are uready

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2010):

Im a 25years, female a Virgin..SO WHATS THE DEAL!

I have always been Popular in high school and university, have loads of friends both female and male, am always the center of attention am loud with a sence of humor and always a social butterfly at parties and at clubs.

I never see being a virgin an issue. WHY!??!.

Its only an issue if you let it.

For me its Knowing yourself, being comfortable with yourself, and just accepting you for you. No ones perfect!!

I dont go around advertising it, but if someone ask im not going to lie!

I have a carefree life and live it fully without sex.

Ive decided theres more important things in life to worry about and am saving myself for marriage. Im not religious either!

I play beach vollyball, i sponsor a child in africa, ive travelled the whole of australia, pacific islands, hawaii, Italy, London, this year im going to tour america with my sisters and next year im going to spain. I date, party and drink and have lots of fun with a good group of friends.

All im tryig to say is just dont worry!!

Be happy!!

Move on, its not the end of your life!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2009):

I have a different story, most horrible.

I'm a 35 year old virgin, and you people are the only one's that know about it. Yes, I am a Christian which is the major reason I am a virgin. The other part is i had a brain tumor in a bad spot that controlled my hormones when i was younger. Therefore, during puberty I did not grow properly, and today i'm under five and half feet tall. The other thing that didn't grow properly was my dingle, it's very small. I have lived a life of hiding my entire life. I have lots of friends, and girls say i'm cute. My confidence is shot, but I can pull off confidence like no one else. It's all part of the hiding process. I have lots of love to give, and I cherish women a lot. I have never masturbated, and I'm not sick. I just can't imagine any women wanting to be with me. I want to have sex some day, and I think about it like 1000 times a day. I feel like I got shafted my whole life. The rest of my family is normal, but i didn't even get a shot at being normal, I just didn't get the chance.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009):

hey it is ok. u need to start slow and i dont mean to be mean but go for a chubbyer person then a sexy skinny one because they have less self asteem

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2009):

I'm a 21 year old virgin and I think it's perfectly fine to be a virgin. If you wait for the one, you'll find your true love. One big reason why the divorce rate is so big in the states is because people have had sex too much that their current wife/husband will NOT satisfy them.

Both my parents save themselves for marriage and they are so happy now. They never had an affair in the life, not even one.

People, please, don't be shy or have low self esteem if you are a virgin. Be proud of yourself like I am. you are MUCH better than sex... Relax, you'll find your true and don't believe people when they say you are unattractive. Believe me, YOU ARE ATTRACTIVE.

God bless you all

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009):

hmm im 26 and still a virgin. I just got my first kiss on my 25th birthday. She also offered to sleep with me but i turned her down. I thought when the time came i would be like YES! totally! but as drunk as i was i still thought of what it would mean to me. Yes there are times when us virgins think oh this sucks! why cant i meet anyone? and stuff like that but the truth is SEX is not that big of a deal. It is what it is just concentrate of things that are more important. And if you want to get"laid" or find a girlfriend just go out and do it. Its that simple. crash and burn while doing it. Or find a wingman or someone with confidence to show you how. But you wont find it on this site thats for sure. GO out and meet people! good luck!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009):

I am a 24 year old virgin. I have never attempted to talk to girls. I feel i`m too shy. But I masturbate a lot. And in total i could have masturbated about 3000-5000 times since my adolescence. Recently, i do it more often when i see people in the city of my age enjoy sex and i feel left behind for my age... I also do yoga and meditation regularly. I have read a lot about sex, watched loads of porn and i`m able to feel how it could feel if i ever had sex for the first time. But i also feel that one should not have sex before marriage for a good long lasting relationship. I look good or at least a little above average. But i somehow feel extremely shy to face women of my age and under. I respect women for their power to carry a life within their body. But i also feel that if we need to evolve into more intelligent life, we must create an awareness that all people must have sex, but only for the purpose of procreation, as nature wants the species to survive. Being an intelligent form of life, i expect that humans must understand that the purpose existence is not to enjoy the pleasure. But to pass on the information to the next generation and make them more intelligent. I feel that virgins who don`t masturbate much, are extremely intelligent and have an advantage over the others. I am also trying to stop masturbating as there is no point in doing something, thinking of somebody in a fantasy, who would not even know you. The DNA contained in the human sperm/ovum gets re-programmed every time a person masturbates, which could cause our future generations to have an extreme sex drive and make them do things that could be quite unpleasant and unexpected. I wish to remain a virgin, clean and perfect and start developing my body and make myself very attractive, intelligent and happy, so that by the time i get married, i will have good a superb DNA ;).

I hope people all over the world realize the importance of virginity is not just to have a long lasting relationship after marriage. But also a fantastic future!.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009):

Hello everyone,

i am a 20 year old male who is not a virgin anymore, i lost it last year in december with my first gf. To tell you the truth falling in love is the best thing to ever feel, the sex was one of the last things that ever came up on my mind when i first got with her. Sure it feels very good having sex, but if she/he doesnt love you it could be heartbreaking.

Me and her broke up in june, she left me for another man and man was i heartbroken. Left me wondering in the beginning if i will ever love again lol, but now im strong enough to find a new relationship.

my problem for losing my virginity at age 19 was that i had never asked a girl to be my gf, actually that was the first girl i had asked.

my advice is to ask!!!

dont be afraid, ask her/him out to the movies

so what if they say no, what is going to happen? die? heart attack? please dont make me laugh

yesterday i asked a girl out to the movies and i got rejected

so what!!!

move on to the next one

good luck everyone

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2009):

I'm 24, still a virgin. I would like to say on thing: guys, we are in a big trouble. I even attended virgins convention organized by another virgin. It was terrible. I have seen a lot of people just like myself: low self-esteem, lack of leadership skills, lack of confidence. I wonder how this meeting became possible at all. But i had a great experience and i can share it with you.

A couple of advises that help virgin live better.

1. Never tell you are a virgin. Even if people around you seem so careful, open-minded and understanding, the second you tell them you start a chain reaction which will finally make all the community turn on you. You will have time to tell.

2. Sex is not such a big deal. Just date some girls, this creates illusion that you are normal person. After some time you will feel more normal because you do things other people do, you have some sort of relations.

3. Read books like "becoming alpha male", "double your dating", and so on. These books changed my life. I now have so many girls i can call and make a date with that i can't just handle them all. I still don't have sex, but i fell MUCH better. Don't pay for the books, download them via torrent :)

4. NEVER think about having your firs time with a prostitute. Makes things only worse.

5. Don't be a friend to girls. It's all written in books, but it's so important that i have to repeat it here. If you're a "nice guy", you can kiss sex goodbye.

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A male reader, helpinghand21 United States +, writes (8 October 2009):

This question was posted on December 25th 2005 now it's late '09. I wonder at 29, if he's lost his virginity yet.

Getting laid is only as important as you decide it is. Sex is only one of the many great things in life. We should all be able to be happy in our lives with or without sex.

And cheer up mate; at least you don't have an STD!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009):

Not sure when this was written, all I can say is there is more to life. Don't worry or concern yourself with stigmas, especially those of the world's expectations. If you're not in love or trying to get married, then refrain from sex....period! That is what being a man is about!

Live a full life, one filled with integrity, volunteer, make friends, work hard at your job, respect your family......everything will work itself out.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009):

I'm 17, I lost it 3 years ago. I have done it with 6 girls, but only 2 of them were officially named my girlfriends. I have never really had girlfriends either, I guess it is just the nature of having fun. But really, if you want the time to come, then let it come. Getting with a female can be tough, it is sometimes for me, but all I put in my head is "she's just trying to play hard-to-get" Haha. But the only real way to catch somebody you want, is to simply say hi to them, and introduce yourself. Make her like you, being a goody good to her may not always be the key to get in her pants right away (if that is what you are aiming for), but just be overall nice and make yourself look good for her, mentally as well as physically.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009):

Hey man don't worry too much about it. Being a virgin is something society has placed a stigma on because it's not the "norm" anymore to be 25+ and still a virgin. Last I checked, the girls worth having dont like the "norm." Don't get me wrong, being a virgin sets you apart nowdays. IN A GOOD WAY (if you want a fulfilling relationship). I am 24 and a virgin. I have no shame about it and truth be told I expect my future wife to be also. If you were to take the statistics of the people's whos marriages end in divorce and find out how many of them were sexually active with previous partners before hand, you will find an overwhelmingly higher number than those who waited for eachother.

I am one one of those guys who has a great time with friends, owns two businesses, drives a nice car, and gets a date every weekend. Let me give you just one piece of advice. Date girls with the intention of BEING THEIR FRIEND. The only reason guys get put into the "friend zone" is because they try to get too serious too fast and in turn the girl has to make up her mind (without really knowing you) whether or not you someone she wants to have sex with. If your wondering how to get dates for the weekend start with believing any girl that is too busy or turns you down IS MISSING OUT! Start believing you have a lot to offer and she's the one truly benefitting from saturday night. I wouldn't recommend pickup lines, but here's a pretty good way to begin asking girls out. "Excuse me, I know this might sound a bit strange, but if I don't ask you now I'll be kicking myself for the rest of the day. I'm running to meet a friend, (ie..I have friends, and am not a stalker) but I think you're beautiful and would like to get to know you better. Can I get your phone number? I'm not a psycho I promise. You can give me a fake one if your not interested." If she says no, then it's not a big deal. Really. If anything she will be flattered by your genuine compliment and if she happens to see you around she'll most likely say hello. YOU LOSE NOTHING by doing this. All I'm saying is I'm a virgin by choice and love it. (most girls I've dated love it too) You don't need to make excuses "why" you still havent had sex. If they ask be proud of it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2009):

I know this post is old, but I thought it might be useful to respond. I'm 25 and a virgin... and a woman. Friends tell me I'm attractive, and men have shown serious interest but grow impatient with my intimacy issues. I'm not exactly a social butterfly, just to top it off.

At least three men I've known have been 25+ yr old virgins, and all of them have told me about their self-confidence problems and fears that go along with it.

Two of them, sadly, acted out poorly on their worries. I don't want to tell much, but I am no longer their friend and I now have more emotional problems associated with sex. However, the third one has recently met his first girlfriend, and doubtfully will be a virgin much longer. Even though he would be the least physically attractive of the three, his caring personality makes up for it. People tend to mature as they age, and realize looks are trivial.

This is something many others deal with; men, women, attractive, unattractive. You're not alone in your fears and you shouldn't give up hope.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009):

Im a 43 year old virgin and have now been single for 20 years, my previous relationship lasting for 19 days. I have sepnt a long time looking for the answer why my freinds are sucessfull without effort and despite sucess in many areas of my life i am not in relationships. My freinds finaly told me the answer that no one is romantically interested in because im an unatractive, i cant change it and that i should just deal with it. Having now realised that the source of my probelm is beyonf my control i now concetreat on the other ares of my life

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009):

for anyone reading these, dont bother reading the rest under this, they all say the same thing. sex is important for your mental condition, and your success in sexual endeavours will generally boost your confidence. from experience, relationships which actually work are the ultimate goal, where you and your partner are practically best friends but also intimately linked through sexual activity. doing it for the first time, getting head for the first time, kissing for the first time, these all are just small milestones one expects to tick off with ease somewhere in the teens. for the minority who for various reasons struggle with these and dont get along with the opposite sex, do everything you can to get out. hell, social networking sites like facebook/myspace can get you a hook up and possibly a relationship. dont give up, everything happens eventually.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009):

I guess its really hard knowing that your a virgin while its seems everyone else out there is having SEX. Im a 27 year old virgin myself, I've always been shy, quite and introverted since I was very young. I never been able to talk to women or ever had any female/male friends to speak of.

To be honest I don't see my situation changing in the near future. Its true that many male virgins do have self-esteem and confidences issues. Maybe speaking to a counsellour might help some people but it hasn't helped me sort out my problems!

I feel like I've given up now, because I never know what to say and just have no experience of any kind... I wish all you guys/girls good luck, it might actually happen one day!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009):

Don't give up hope. Just remember. Your parents had sex to create you, and they passed the same genes that got them laid onto you. If they can have sex. You can have sex.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009):

I'm 22 and not a virgin, but I might as well be one. I find it hard to try to have sexual relations with women. The one time I had sex was with another man when I was 19. I didn't really get much from it, because I'm not really bi or gay.It was a bit weird. There's even been a hot, sexy girl that Ive found extremely attractive that said she wanted to do me, but I was afraid of where the relationship would go. It never happened. Its a strange world.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009):

hi,

Im a 22 year old virgin,have been in & out of relationships & currently have a chick that i want to marry,i have kissed a many times but when it comes to sex...not interested yet!!i am good looking,have been confronted by a couple of girls,dated some,ditched some but my main worry is will i stick to this relationship im in?coz i only spend not more than 2 weeks in a relationship then when i see another beauty,i move to the other one...have been a charmaboy for some time & have been askd for my bed but,im a virgin by choice so cant take that & have confidently told ma friends about it!& i love it!so no worries guys,its human to be a virgin!ENJOY!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009):

I feel your pain everyone.. I don't have ur typical virgin story. I'm a 19 year old virgin who has practically everything he wants. Great guy and girl friends, a great supporting family, my own apartment with my best friends in college, and i have money. None of this matters to me since I'm a virgin. My worst fear is being an old, lonely, depressed man, doing everything by himself, never knowing what it's like to fall in love, have kids, or any of that great stuff life is supposed to hand you. It's the saddest reality, but I've accepted it at the age of 19. I WILL be the 40 year old virgin. I hooked up/messed around with a girl at the age of 14, but we didn't go farther than making out and touching. I didn't get my next "kiss" until my freshman year in college!!! It really can't even be counted as a kiss. I shotgunned hookah at a hookah bar with 2 of my girl friends, so it wasnt intimate in any sort of way. So technically, I've kissed 1 girl my entire life and gotten to 2nd base with her. That is a pathetic reality. You would never know by looking at me that i'm a virgin. I'm SLIGHTLY overweight, but very stylish, pretty good-looking, and not really that shy. Almost every one of my friends isn't a virgin, and the worst part about all of this is NO ONE knows i'm a virgin, and I mean no one. I even lie to ppl that ask me if i'm a virgin and i tell them i'm not. That is the absolute worst feeling in the world, listening to everybody talk about their experiences and all u can do is sit there and listen to them and hope they don't recognize your facade. I've kept being a virgin a secret my entire life so that no one can ridicule me or make fun of me for being one. My confidence is in the shitter and so is my self-esteem. I have a feeling most of my friends assume that I'm a virgin and just don't want to confront me about it, in which case i'd most likely lie to them again, which makes me even more depressed. I've done everything to get girls to be interested in me, but it hasnt happened. No matter what i've done, girls never give me the light of day. Everyone's gonna say I'm so young and i have the rest of my life ahead of me, but through 19 years of my life doing everything from changing my style tobeing myself, I already know how the rest of my life is going to go.. Sexless, lonely, and depressed

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009):

hey , iam 20 and virgin i mean pure virgin , i never kissed a girl.

I will do it just with the one , i mean the one i wanna spend my life with. by the way i'm not gay.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009):

I'm a virgin and i am nearly twenty-five too - okay i've kissed and fooled around a little bit thus i couldn't call myself a pure virgin. I've been bullied and had low confidence, low self esteem and low body image but as i've grown older i've started to become more happier with just being me. I am a virgin by choice because i am not ready - I just keep thinking that when i am ready then i'll take that next step with someone i love and trust but if i'm never ready or opportuntiy never comes around then I have no problem being the 104 year old virgin. =) I place more value now on being me rather than my sexual status - which seems the complete opposite to what society values. You are still relatively young so perhaps try going out more, not just to clubs or pubs but clubs like kick boxing, crafts, church (its good for socializing) etc. Being around more people may bring you out of your shell a little and make you more comfortable around people therefore hopefully you'll meet someone (either through clubs or because you have become more comfortable and open) that you'll be ready and able to take that next step. Just my opinion

I am 25 and I am a virgin. A pure virgin. Never been kissed, Never had a girlfriend. I have a low self confidence since been bullied at school and I've just watch "The 40 Year Old Virgin". It was very uncomfortable viewing. I don't want to be a 40 year old virgin. It's bad enough been a 25 year old virgin. I guess you could say I need help. PLEASE. How do I start, I think I'm losing it.

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A male reader, laloo.19 Mexico +, writes (2 August 2009):

Mate, here is an answer that will ACTUALLY help you with your situation.

Go to this website, and buy the Double Your Dating e-book ok? It will help you understand WHY you've been a virgin for so long, and it'll tell you exactly HOW to change that.

Go on, 20 bucks is nothing, especially for all the things it will help you improve on.

Your welcome man

http://www.doubleyourdating.com

After that, if you'd like to continue on that great, awesome path, go to this next website:

http://www.lovesystems.com

Good luck, and, most importantly... ENJOY!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2009):

I'm also 25 and a virgin. I'm not proud nor ashamed of being a virgin. I'm quite comfortable with it. I've had 2 girlfriends and only been kissed a half dozen times. I myself am someone who wants a meaningful relationship. I am a virgin half by chance and half by decision. I have had 2 offers but turned them down. My reason for doing this is that I was 21-22 at the time and decided that basically my virginity is the only thing I have left that isn't some what tainted, as people succumb to being human. I have seen the pain of broken relationships which have kids involved and the suffering that people have to endure not being married with the child. So I thought that I'm in my 20's, I only want a meaningful relationship, I don't want to have kids out of wedlock. So I have decided to wait until I am married to have sex. I know what it entails I know that I should expect some thoughts about "I wonder how other girls go in bed" but the meaning of marriage is 'commitment'. I can't think of any better way to show your love to your wife as to wait for her. I have told most of my closest friends that I have known for a decade. All of them understand but can't understand how I can resist. But I say this "I don't know any different, I've never done it so therefore the degree in which I crave sex is diminished considerably I believe".

I suggest anyone who has held on to their virginity and wants meaning in a relationship, to consider and think about it and not to just do it. I believe if someone in their heart wants to be married then they should save themselves for marriage. Because marriage is for a lifetime, and the time between now and when people find that someone. Is by far lesser than marriage.

So ignore me take advice whatever just think about what it really means to you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2009):

Hi, i cant begin to tell you how much better it feels to know that i am not alone...i am almost 25 at the end of the month..female...and i am also a virgin and never really been in any dates (just 2-3) i dont think im ugly but i have always had issues with my body image as i am a bit overweight (working on it) and i was bullied a lot about it at school which made me VERY self conscious and shy. I get very depressed because everyone around me is dating or getting married and me..nothing...it just makes me feel like i am worthless...and destined to be alone. Just today i had this guy call me an idiot, and that i'll be 40 and never experience sex..and that noone will ever want me after 25 because i would be to inexperienced...he was terrible and i couldnt help but cry my eyes out over it.. he was actually much meaner than that, but ill leave the colorfull language out...BUT you know what..this is me...i havent had any luck and i have left this body image thing literally rule my life..people should like you the way you are..all of you and if they dont then they are not worth your time. I believe everything happens for a reason...and one day this will too...im not going to let it ruin my life anymore...just work on it to make it better...:)

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A male reader, talas Australia +, writes (22 June 2009):

i'm very good looking, smart, fun, good sence of humor, gotta big ****. but, i'm a 21 year old virgin. i'm not gay or retarted. it's just that i've had a corrupted life thats destroyed my confidence. girls would walk up to me, and what would i do close myself up and shut them out. i mean I COULDNT EVEN walk into a store or talk to anyone I WAS SO DAMN SHY. but, now i,ve changed my life it seems. i feel better about everything, especially myself. right now i,m not worried about sex, let everybody screw and catch some desease or have 10 children. i'll start f***ing one day. so 4 all u others dont worry about everybody else LIVE you're LIFE. There's more important things than sex LOL

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A male reader, lonelyguy74 United Kingdom +, writes (15 June 2009):

Well, I am a 35 year old virgin so I know how it feels. I too was bullied at school and it has knocked my confidence.

I got my first date at 32, which lasted 3 months. Your not to old to lose your virginity. No one is.

Find something you enjoy doing and concentrate on that.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009):

I'm 26 and still a virgin. Although I kissed a girl before, but it was late. I had my first kiss at the age of 22.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2009):

I feel and share the pain from everyone here. Simply put, unless you step into our shoes, nobody will truly ever understand how we feel.....

I'm a 24 year old (almost 25) male who has never been kissed, had a girlfriend before and a virgin. It isn't the virgin part that bothers me, it is the fact that no girl has ever had interest or liked me. I have tried almost everything and being myself, with no results. To be honest, I am absolutely SICK of losing all the time. I've been trying and making an honest effort for my entire life with nothing to show for it.

You know, I consider myself at least average-looking or above, with a university education and decent career prospects. I have a decent amount of female friends but always had the worst of luck. All girls that interest me are either taken (which is over 95+% of the time) or are not interested in me. I have built up decent friendships with a couple of girls but could not succeed in getting past the friend-zone.

People suggested that all I can do is keep trying. Unfortunately for me, I have been rejected/failed many more times than the average person without ever experiencing any "success" thus far. I'm almost completely lost here. When I look at people around me, it only depresses me more. I'm probably one of the very few guys out there that is in his mid 20's, without ever having a girlfriend before.

This does affect other parts of my life. I think about these things almost every day, it consumes me far too much. I'm terrified to death that if this continues into my 30's..... I will become corrupt and mentally destroyed to the point of where I cannot guarantee that I will be able to live a proper life anymore.

I have also "waited" like many people say and that has not worked either. Glad to know that there are many good and honest people out there that also has the same problem. It is NOT our fault at all. We deserve much better in life for sure!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009):

Hello all,

A male from Scandinavia here.

Great thread, gives me hope in myself... well, at least a little.

I'm a 25 year old male, decent looking, well educated, professionally successful... but also an ultra-virgin; never kissed a girl, never held hands, let alone anything else.

A couple of weeks ago I went on the first date of my life. That turned out to be disaster as I kept worrying that my lack of experience with the opposite sex would eventually be exposed and that the chick would think there was something wrong with me.

My lack of self confidence when it comes to women is absolutely overwhelming. I honestly do not know how to overcome it. This aspect of my personal life causes me much anxiety and keeps me up at night. Recently, it has started to affect other aspects of my life. I fear that I must seek professional help.

Good luck to you all.

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A male reader, heartfullalove Ireland +, writes (24 May 2009):

heartfullalove agony auntJust stumbled across this thread. Still in shock.

To all those who posted, I know nothing I can say will make your situation any less tortuous, but please be assured there IS more to life than sex, and never getting laid shouldn't be a barrier to enjoying all the other wonderful things in life. I have no doubt that involuntary virginity is a burden that often becomes intolerable, but the truth is that plenty of people who have sex aren't happy with their lives either.

When you bear in mind that at least a quarter of the world's population is either starving or malnourished thanks to a global economic system designed to maximise US and Western wealth at the Third World's expense, never getting any sex might be pretty horrible, but it really isn't the end of the world. Anytime I'm down (which is often), I always remember the wisdom offered by a friend who was wheelchair-bound and had very severe cerebral palsy: 'Do you have any idea how f**** lucky you are to be able to walk?' He's dead now from the heroin he took to numb his pain, but the words still echo in my head.

And one other thing struck me: almost without exception, the people who posted on this thread came across as extraordinarily sweet, thoughtful, pleasant, humane individuals. People who endure suffering, for the most part, do tend to be nicer than the rest of humanity. Would you really want to trade places with the hordes of shallow, self-obsessed, sexually successful, soulless drones you see in bars and nightclubs imitating the imaginary people they've seen on TV and in the movies? Could anything make that trade-off worthwhile?

Best of luck to all.

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A female reader, 25sweetnsingle United Kingdom +, writes (23 May 2009):

im a 25 year old virgin who has also never been kissed and i am female !!! It is quite common these days - what with the lack of social intercourse between people !! Maybe we should all start a club !!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2009):

I am a 40 year old virgin and I hate it. I really, really hate it. It's not beautiful like your told. I waited on the Lord thinking that he would bless me with a mate and instead I am now a laughingstock. My faith is gone, I hurt constantly, and my peers think I am a fool....and so do I. Why wait? All of the people I have seen, going out doing what they want to do, they are married, engaged, etc. I am the only fool who waited and for what! For nothing!

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A female reader, beauxarts United States +, writes (24 March 2009):

beauxarts agony auntI am 25 years old and a virgin. I am not a virgin by choice, but by destiny. I just haven't met the right person to sleep with. I know all the agonies. From time to time I will cry, the times when I can bear no more. It's terrible to have unfufilled sexual urges, becuase sex is normal and healthy I believe and sometimes necessary to relieve built up sexual tension. the problem arises becuase really no one finds it acceptable to be crying out about sex, becuase well to everyone else it seems sex is easy to get, but really it isn't for a lot us.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2008):

Look, it's not that big deal, seriously. It's not like if you "do it" for the first time you're gonna change or your life is going to change or something. Sex is overrated. I mean, a good fuck is a good fuck, but that's it. There's nothing wrong woth being a virgin. I guess it's just something "in your head", one of those experiences in life that are unique. I remember that feeling myself, I suppose everybody has gone through that so don't worry, just get over it. Like, when you pass THAT fearsome exam and go to university, or when you're driving a car for the first time, i don't know, you say it. Then you look back and think "hmm, that was it??" NO BIG DEAL. That means; don't focus too much on your virginity (which is irrelevant) cos that's only going to stress you out even more, and learn to love yrself, be proud of who you are.

But, if this "situation" is really bugging you, then face it. Consider it a challenge: Get laid. Or go to a "pro woman" if that makes things easier for you, and perhaps, having some sexual experience will improve your self-esteem and your ability to approach women. But it's all in your head, not in your cock. Simple as that. It's just a matter of confidence in yrself, mate.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2008):

25 year old virgin here as well. The lack of sex is depressing but it's only an underlying concern of mine. It's a lasting relationship with someone who loves and desires me that I long for. I was abused as a child and its made intimacy incredibly hard for me. I've only opened myself up to one girl, during high school, and she ended up destroying me so I haven't bothered with relationships since then, and I've dwelt on what she did to me for all these years. It's made me socially inept and its emotionally stunted me. I don't relate to people my own age anymore, I feel like I'm an outsider.

The worst part about it is that I'm terrified of getting close to someone. I'm scared that they'll find me boring, hollow, that I'll be bad in bed, that I won't be able to hold conversation with them, that I won't be able to fulfill them, that I'll give myself to someone only to have them eventually reject me. The list goes on and on.

I feel a little better about it after reading so many stories that mirror my own life. All we can do is persevere and continue our live as best as we can.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008):

I'm 23 and also a virgin, have never been in any kind of romantic relationship with a boy, although I have kissed one. He was introduced to me by a mutual friend, and no kidding, when I got a bit drunk and we were alone I literally asked him to kiss me. Oh dear. Anyway, reading everyone's comments has been really helpful to me. Virgins are not diseased, or weird, or socially inept. We've just chosen to live our own way, and prioritise different things. To all the boys out there who are worried about this issue, there is at least one girl who would react positively to being with another virgin. I've always thought it would be really nice to share my first time with someone else as inexperienced as me. ox

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A male reader, acheron2006 United States +, writes (12 October 2008):

There is nothing wrong with you! First of all, there should be no female virgins writing to you, this problem is gender specific. Woman have mulifarious (many) opportunities to loose their virginity, no matter how ugly or socially retarded. You may find (www.laddertheory.com) interesting. Conduct research on what woman find attractive in your area (demographics/geography matter). Also, experiment with differient hair styles, clothing, cologne, etc. Attempt to look at this situation as a learning experience, in other words you have nothing to loose. Most importantly, ALWAYS use protection, whether it be straight up penetration or oral sex(receptive/rendering. If everything else fails, walk down a street with a hundred dollar bill at the end of a fishing line.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008):

HEY!! cheer up there pretty lady, don't worry about it, there's tons of guys going thru the same out here, all you have to do is bump into one of us lonely people, i don't know, go to a bar, church, just smile and apear warm to total strangers if you just so happen to look them in the eye, other than that, just keep on plowing thru life. life can be good.

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A female reader, degrassi_panthers United States +, writes (1 September 2008):

My problem isn't so much with being a 26 year old female virgin. I have no problems with that. I don't believe in sleeping around and I believe in one man and one woman, that's it.

My problem is mostly the fact that I've been single for the last five years and I hate it! Before that I never dated much, either. Had one boyfriend in high school for three months and that was it. Was single for a couple of years, met a guy while in college, dated for awhile, then broke up. He's now married and I'm still single.

I hate that old cliche of "You always find love when you're not looking for it." Yeah, I always manage to find it when I'm not looking for it, but it usually always happens that the guy I find is one of three things: Gay, taken, or straight but uninterested. I can't begin to tell you the number of times I've found someone I really like, finally muster up the nerves to ask him out on a date, then find out he already has a girlfriend. In one case I met the girlfriend when I went to ask the guy out!

There's been a few times when I've completely opened up my heart to a few guys and told them just exactly how I felt about them, only to find out that I'm thought of as "just a friend". That's the worst feeling in the world!

I really don't know what's wrong with me. I'm intelligent, I have a job and I'm a hard worker, I like to have fun and make people laugh and do nice things for others. Despite what you may be thinking while reading this, I'm a relatively happy person. I'm slightly overweight, but working on that as we speak. (I'm already down 12 lbs.) I care deeply for others and would never do anything to intentionally hurt anyone. I'm the kind of person that would give you the shirt off of my back if I knew you needed one and let you keep it. I'm not too terribly shy; I love to talk and get to know other people. I tend to get a little shy when I'm around a guy I'm interested in and sometimes get a little timid and shy and have a hard time making eye contact at first, but once I get to where I can feel totally comfortable around them I'm OK. I've been told that I'm cute and would make a good girlfriend, so why do I have such a hard time with dating?

Most of my problem is that I'm just lonely. I only have one really close friend, and even though we work together I don't get to see her much outside of work, since she herself is married and has two kids of her own. I have other friends, but we're not that close. I know what you're going to say: "Go out and do some charity or community work. Volunteer at different places and join clubs where you can meet different people." Well, I do all of that. I love doing that kind of stuff. I've made friends with all sorts of people, but that's about it. I just wish I could find someone else who's just as lonely as me so I wouldn't have to feel so alone anymore. When I'm not busy doing something to help someone else, I spend most of my time by myself with the exception of being with my family, and even that sometimes gets depressing because I have nieces who are teenagers that have better luck at getting dates and even keeping steady boyfriends than I do, and that makes me jealous. There have been many nights when I've cried myself to sleep wishing that I just wasn't single anymore, that I had someone lying next to me in my bed that actually wanted to be there with me.

I have pretty much abandoned all hope and come to terms with the fact that I may very well be single for the rest of my life.

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A male reader, STONEFACEDMETALKING United Kingdom +, writes (6 August 2008):

FIRST OFF,I AM A 20 YEAR OLD VIRGIN,MY STORY IS FULL OF HELL AND HARDSHIP,I HAD IT ALL,LOST IT ALL,AND NOW HAVE TO GET IT ALL BACK FROM NOTHING.

FIRST YOU NEED TO BE YOURSELF,LOVE YOURSELF AND BE COMFORTABLE WITH ALL THAT IS YOU

My advice to you,get the fire started and use it wisely.if you want something bad enough,youll get it,you just cant let anything stop you.......ANYTHING..... you see like some chronic burger with all kinds of fixins and some some cold beer and some ill chair. NO!!!!you gotta focus!!!

just keeping running full speed ahead right into that women.

WHAT DO WOMEN WANT?

THEY WANT TO BE RELAXED,HAPPY,HAVE FUN AND FEEL IMPRORTANT AND HOT,AND ALSO BE MATURE AND SERIOUS....AND REAL,ABSOLUTELY REAL,THEY WANT TO FEEL COMFORTABLE AND SAFE AND LIKE NOTHING MATTERS EXCEPT YOU TWO.

what you need to do is pre game,gotta be relaxed before you see them,be happy before you see them,be having fun before you see them,ect.....THEN,they can join in,and it will be a easier transition

also,you need to really go for it.enjoy the pursuit of women,have fun getting shot down in flames, its allways better if get to land safely though. you just gotta throw yourself out there and go ask out some women out,and dont worry if they reject you,everyone that rejects you is just a learning experience.....just focus on them....more than yourself....ask them questions.....show your interest...notice them....notice your surroundings,be a explorer of life,dont let it pass you by,you gotta notice how many plants there are,notice how everyone is driving mechanical machines with wheels...what a trip!!!!you gotta be positive...its the law of attraction,if you are thinking beautiful women in hot tubs who love you.....your halfway there....just go do it!!!!!!no thinking!!!!!pure instinct!!!!!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008):

I know exactly how you feel and I must say that I'm glad that I stumbled upon this site because seeing that I'm not the only one going through these "blues". Like most here, I am a virgin and I am 24 years old. Let's be honest, it's sucks bad I have also never been in a "relationship" either. I have been out with girls here and there, but it never turns out the way that I want it to. The thing is I am not a bad looking guy nor am I overweight, but I am painfully shy and always have been. If there was one thing in this world that I could have, it would be the ability to walk up to any girl and start talking with her. In our society males are suppose to be the aggresive type, that's just not me unfortunatly. I feel that my life is becoming a waste and this ever-present fealing of loneliness is going to be the death of me. It absolutely sucks being by yourself day in and day out and thinking that's how it's going to be for the rest of my life. As each day goes by I feel the desire to just give up and stop trying and accept the fact that I will be by myself forever. It's very depressing and sad and I will admit there have been countless nights that I have cried. However, it is nice knowing that I am not alone and that we are all in this together.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2008):

Im a 31 year old virgin, never had a girlfriend or been kissed or anything like that. To each their own though I guess. Somedays I'd like to have someone to share my time with but other days I could really care less and actually like my time alone. I've always been an introverted type of person ever since I was alive so I don't really mind being by myself much. Plus, I hate feeling like I have to "make somebody like me". I don't go out and try to attract girls I guess is the problem but Im stubborn and I don't feel like I should, lol. But that is why Im a virgin I guess, It doesn't really bother me and I don't think it should bother you. When the time is right things will come to fruition. Stop stressing about it, it's a small part of life in my opinion where there's way more important things to worry about. I guess it comes down to what's important to you or not and the issue if it should be important to you or not.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008):

Where do you start? I would say to the questioner and all the other people posting here, that we all need to improve our confidence. When you go out with friends, then you'll have the confidence to pick up that chick or dude that you like. No one is attracted to a lack of confidence. Not being confident myself, I'm pretty sure if I was a guy, I would be very uncomfortable approaching me!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2008):

I came accross this site by accident, alllthough not a virgin myself i just wanted to say when you do meet mr,mrs right and they find out your a virgin and if your ready to "give" yourself to them they will be pleased. I mean what a huge compliment i know i would think wow you know this person has kept themself "pure" for lack of a better word and they're willing to have me be the first i think thats wonderful, i would say to all those worried about there virginaty work on your confidence issues get out there and start meeting people your time will come, good luck.

Jon, 17 years old.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2008):

First of all, excuse me for my bad english. I just speak spanish, but well, here we go:

I'm a male virgin too, I turned 23 in February, and, yes, being a virgin NOT BY CHOICE is just depressing and sad, I can't remember how many nights I spent crying and wetting my pillow with tears of pain and depression. The winter of 2007 (I live in South America, BTW) was the lowest point of my life. The most depressing time of all. Many times I awoke crying and fall slept in tears too, you know what I'm talking about, THIS HURTS A LOT, and hurts MORE if you are convinced of the following facts:

1) Post-18 Male virgins are catalogued as Rare/Freak/Strange/Homosexual (I'm not gay, I'm straight)

2) Actually, It seems that there are not any female virgins around.

3) The girls that are virgins, lost their virginity to the most fucking bastard male available. (There are plenty of those guys "hunting" virgins, and the are proud of taking one more virgin and making a notch in his belt, damn; this situation revolves my stomach)

4) I just have had 1 girlfriend in my whole life. The relation lasted 4 stupid months. At the third month, she asked me if i was a virgin. "Yes" I said. That was the beginning of the end. She looked me scared. Guess what. She wasn't a virgin. She told me "In my face" that she had plenty amounts of great sex with her ex (to me, his ex is one of those bastards). Oh, shit...

Probably, you wouldn't like to read all this history, but is MY story, is MY life, and I feel very bad beaing a virgin. I KNOW PERFECTLY HOW YOU FEEL, GUYS. Maybe you wanna talk about it anytime, I always look for a good conversation. Reach me here: madjack999[at]hotmail[dot]com

And remember: being a male virgin in Soth America is the same as being a virgin in The United States, or in Europe, Asia, Africa, etc. We all are feeling the same. GOD, HELP US! (if you exist, of course.)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008):

Hey there guys, its heartwarming to read such a bulletin of an issue which i'm pretty bothered about as well. Thank you to all who have posted. Im also a virgin, and recently have been trying to find out a way to solve this, the mere fact that i consider this a "problem" seems ludicrous to me, but almost daily i blame my self, body, actions for not letting me into proper relationships. And yes, i defently understand the dark looming cloud that follows you, as eyecontact even seems incredibly hard to someone you find attractive.

But do you know what? give this a shot, for one day a week, dont worry about how your hair looks, or that you have maybe a pimple on your face, arms on fire (actualy that might be worth worrying about) you catch my drift.

Go up to a girl/boy at a local store and buy something, and when you do, give them full eyecontact and just smile. This will seem incredibly hard to do at the start if confidence is at its lowest. But i tell you that this moves mountains. 80% of the time the girl/boy will smile back and your moral will boost through the roof. If they sod you off, there probably far to awesome for earth so dont even worry about them. Makes the next sucsessful time that much more thrilling.

Theres an add thats doing the rounds in the local theatres at the moment, which is for virgin mobiles in australia (fitting isnt it :) ) It focuses on a may-fly as it is born, lives and dies in a single day. For this day, the may-fly has nothing to worry, because theres no point to it, he just has the time of his life, for the short time that he is on the planet.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008):

I know exactly how you feel. I am 25 and never had any meaningfull relationship. I was very shy growing up and become very akward when I come accrose a girl I like and get realy nervious. Just lost my virginity this year to some chick I met a bar but it was not worth it. It was not meaning and I wish I waited until I met some one that I realy like that would have made the wait worth while. I know longer go to the club because every time I go out I will get drunk and end up having sex with some random chiks. I now try to be my self and be more confident and try to develop a normal social skill. I am confident you will met the right person, just be yourself

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008):

Sup people

I'm a 21 year old male virgin.

I don't really care about sex like that. I used to be more worried about justbeing in a relationship, since I thought that it would make me feel more attractive.

Seriously read the book "The Game" by Neil Strauss. My confidence is amazing. Literally 3 months ago I thought I was going to die alone. I thought women hated me and thought I was ugly. I now KNOW I am GORGEOUS, FUNNY, INTELLIGENT and amazing and I don't need a girl to show interest in me to prove that.

I KNOW I'm going to get a gf soon as whilst people in my family and uni all seem to hae 4 or 5 relationships, I'm going to just see what happens.

Sex and relationships aren't what life is about. Shit...there are kids out there without water and food and you think THIS is a problem???

Trust me. I'm not the best looking guy in the world or the smoothest but I'm a million times more attractive than a lot of guys now because I am more comfortable in my choices and who I am as well as the fact that I have built it in my mind that I could get ANY woman I wanted....I've just had other priorities like my work and university.

I've been where you are and come out of it smiling.

anyone wanna talk to me more email me at [email address blocked]'t let the email add scare u lol....

Nujwaan

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008):

I turned 25 his year, and just before that decided to pay the doctor a visit. I had problems even making myself feel good, because I couldnt, and i never had the guts to tell a doctor. I finally puilled all my guts together and went to a private doctor, and found that I should have been circumcised a long time ago. Well...anytime is not late, and didnt want to postpone things. So here I am after eing circumcised ,and it feels terrible. The doctor obviously said that I'll be fine to work within a day, but it just feeels terrible. seems I will take atleast another week or so, otherwise I will explode. This might have been my case when I told the most friendly and caring girl No when she asked me out. Hopefully things may change after this.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008):

Another no-confidence 25-year old virgin replying here. Know the feeling, and unfortunately don't have any answers. Hope it happens for you, because it certainly won't ever happen for me.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008):

To the guy who has a girl at work who's 6 years younger interested in him. You should just pursue her, ask her out and take her on a date. Get to know her and she gets to know you if you guys got chemistry and click it'll be easy for you to open up about your virginity. I'm a 24 year old virgin and I date all the time I live in NYC so it's fairly easy to meet girls. I'm very confident but to me sex is very personal that's why I'm still a virgin though I did receive oral back in my teens. When I find a woman who could dig me for who I am I'll share myself with her no problem I'm not talking about marriage here cause the future is not certain but just someone I'm really comfortable around. The one who puts the word FRIEND in girlfriend someone who has no problem communicating their true feelings to me. I have no time for insecure women unfortunately that's all you really find especially the very pretty ones. It's so ironic.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2008):

Fuck the world, man. FUCK the world. I'm a 23 year old virgin and I can't take this shit anymore. The stress and anxiety of being a total social outcast is overwhelming. Most days it's all I can do to just get through the day without exploding.

I give you props for lasting 2 years longer than me, but I'm pretty sure I'm not going to last that long.

Fuck counseling, they're just going to tell you what you already knew anyway. You can do something about your problem, and you know exactly how to do it. Just step outside of your body and stop being yourself. Become someone else. Right.

Because we need to conform to society's standards of being normal in order to be accepted. Gotta love it.

Here's a novel idea. Why not, instead of changing yourself to suit your environment, you change your environment to suit your own needs?

One thing I know *WILL NOT* happen is having someone fall from the sky and land on your lap. A lot of people will give you the bullshit line "Good things will happen to you if you just wait" or something along that line.

I got proof that that shit doesn't happen. Go to a bar, and find a crusty old man in the corner nursing a beer or a whiskey. You'll find him, all bars have at least one. Then offer to buy him a beer if he'll tell you his life story. There will be proof there that good things *DO NOT* happen if you wait and listen.

Along my previous line of thought (changing your environment rather than changing yourself) I recommend to start studying psychology. In particular, focus on psychological manipulation and neuro-linguistic programming. When you've got a few tricks up your sleeve on how to create attraction through manipulating the psychological state of the female you are conversing with through subliminal and semi-subliminal communication, that might give you the confidence to go up to some women and start grooming them.

Because I will tell you right now from personal experience, going up to a woman, striking up a conversation, and being nice to her will get you nowhere. you've got to have some sort of angle, some sort of game plan. If being nice worked, nice guys would get laid all the time, and we all know they don't. It's the brazen assholes that end up having a legitimate reason to carry a 12-pack of trojans in their glove compartment.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008):

My boyfriend is a 25 year old virgin and he is the sexiest man that I have ever met. He understands me and cares for me and no one can look at me like he does. I am glad he waited. My advice for you is to realize that you are not alone and to be proud of your virginity. People out there may not realize how this is a gift but when you meet the girl for you I strongly believe that she will appreciate it. Guys hit on me often but when this happens I don't take them seriously. I guess what I am trying to say is that things aren't always how they seem to be. I would recommend following your interests in the community, in clubs and overall just spending time with people that share your interest. I met my love through friends. Perhaps it could work for you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008):

I saw your post and wanted to respond. First of all, I don't think lack of sexual experience is something you need to worry about too much. It sounds like you had a really tough childhood and were bullied in school. That was not your fault, but having had friends who were bullied, I'm guessing you feel like it was and that your confidence with other people is low in general.

I'm guessing it's hard for you to talk to women at all, much less ask for a date. Not having any dating or kissing experience probably makes things harder/makes you more nervous about trying. If you feel really nervous around people in general or even just women, you might want to seek counseling from a psychologist or social worker who specializes in social anxiety. They can help you become less anxious interacting with women- they can even support you in working up to a date step by step. You can take it one step at a time-don't worry about kissing until you've gone on a lot of dates and just had some conversations; the you can work up to the kissing part.

I personally have female friends who are virgins at 25, and I guarantee you, that we don't care about the virginity thing - a lot of us are just looking for someone we can feel close to. If you're really nervous or low in confidence though, its probable you've had some bad experiences when you've tried to approach women and just been too nervous to elicit interest. Again, I really recommend a counselor to help with that and you'll be shocked at what a different response you start to get as you gain some confidence. Good luck!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008):

Don't mis-interperet this as bragging . . . but . . .

I'm a 31 year old male who used to act (theatre) and was even asked to model. I'm well educated and dress in semi-formal fashion. I've had dozens of women flirt and hit on me, some older, many younger.

And did I mention that I'm still a virgin?

To be honest, I don't really think about sex very much. 'The 40 Year Old Virgin' was disturbing for me as well. It's difficult with media and advertizing craming sex and sexuality down our throats 24/7.

I've also gone through some difficulties in my life. I haven't had any friends in about eight years which makes it difficult to meet anyone. The last friend I tried to make was sociable to my face, but called me a 'f*%$!@g freak' over the phone. I guess she though that it was impossible for someone to not have any friends and assumed I was lying. There was also the ocasion 12 years ago when some guy who I though was a friend started spreading the rumor that I was gay (im not) because I had stopped him from raping some girl when he was drunk.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to brag or complain, I'm trying to convey to you the one thing that is infinitly mor important than sex.

You own self.

I don't treat women like sexual objects, never have.

I don't hit on women.

I don't fanasize about women in a dishonering fashion.

I try to be a gentleman.

I do go out of my way to help people.

I do try to be as polite as possible to everyone.

I do persue education.

I do work.

So what am I doing wrong?

Nothing at all.

Though I will admit that I'm lonely and shy, I wouldn't leap into bed with the first woman who would smile at me or suggest casual sex (and it's happened to me before). That's not who I am. Even if I met the woman of my dreams tomorrow and she wanted to sleep with me that night, I'd want to wait.

I'd rather forgo sex for another 30m years than comprimise my ethics and moralty for a quick thrill.

Besides, we have the rest of our lives to live and sex will more likely than not make an appearance in everybody's life at some point or another.

I'd also reccomend aginst the prostitute suggestion. It's not an option that a real gentleman would entertain and it could complicate things later in life. You wouldn't want to have to lie to a potenital future love and say you're still a virgin. No would you want to tell her that your first time was with a hooker.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2008):

ok, im only 18 but where i live everyone loses their virginity by the time their 16. im still a virgin and have lost most my friends due to the fact that they have boyfriends and think that being around me would make me feel ucomfortable,plus the fact alot of them are going out with my brothers friends so they kinda left me so they can hang out with my brother, who is younger than me.since i was about 13 i became realy depressed and when i needed them the most they werent interested. i became very protetive of myself and used to drink...alot to forget myself and what i was feeling. i eventualy went to a doctor who diagnosed me with depression and body dismorphic disorder, of course my freinds being so close to me decided to tell everyone iknew about it and treated me like a joke. i know be byself having trouble going outside in public as i dont like people looking at me. almost every thought in my head is about the way i look and it stops me doing everything. to most people i dont think they would say i am ugly but i cant barely look myself in the mirror without thinking about what i can change about myself. i have had only 3 boyfriends but never been able to get close to them i would freak out. 2 of them had made bets on who would get with me first which is proberbly why i never trusted them. i always wanted to go and live in america and meet my soul mate but i know it would never happen, i see myself living my parents life and if i met someone i would either end up like my mum, hating my children and regreting my life, or my dad, depressed and talking to my children about when im going to die. i think thats another reason why i feel i should be alone is that i will end up like one of them. i sit in my room watching films and think about how much i wish i cold have had a past like that or how much id like to have a future like that but im stopping myself and cant stop it. im scared to be around people, ok i can be a laugh once i get to know someone, but i hate being around people i dont know. i don't trust anyone anymore and am terrified of the thought of a guy liking me because i know that i cant give them what they want in any way, it scares me of the fought of being with someone looking at me all the time...if i had it my way i would just wear a bag over my head. i feel like an outcast all the time because im a virgin and thats not something to be proad of where i live, and i know that if i told anyone they would just take the piss. what happens if i ever move out this shithole and go to america...i just want to become someone else and forget my life here and the people that put me down. but with all these factors in my life i cant bring myself to leave, meet people or love.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007):

Em, I'm only twenty but also a virgin. When I say virgin I mean it in every sense of the word; the most I've ever done with a guy is hug him and that alone is awkward enough. In this I'm not saying I'm antisocial in any sense of the word or 'unattractive' either but I'm one word: awkward. Nothing ever goes right. Mmkay I'm not saying I'm desperate to be swept off my feet but I'd prefer no extra stress on a situation when I speak to a guy. Girls these days and guys alike seem o put alot of pressure on that three letter word and it can get overwhelming.

Granted I am younger than the majority of you, I think I'll probably consider joining a convent just to get the pressure off. (No convent would probably let me join; shit.) Ugh, but I decided from a young age that I would respect myself and others alike. I'm not saying I haven't had the change to dive in, I have but I shrug it off knowing it 'isn't right.' I'm too immature in my own opinion to make such big decisions but then again will I ever be mature?

Gah, who knows. I don't shout to the world that I'm a virgin but I don't make lies denying it either. I want someone who will accept me for more than just sex, etc. I'm a dreamer, infuckindeed. My friends make fun of me for it but I could careless. Every week they call in tears and I'm the virgin shoulder they lean on. Ugh, still some of them are assholes claiming that loosing it isn't as great as I imagine. I'm not expecting fireworks but I'm expecting the right person and hopefully someone who doesn't make a big deal of it.

Anyways I'm glad to hear that there are some people who still have morals out there past their teens. Wish me luck.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2007):

I'm a guy, 37 and I don't feel the need to disclose personal information about anything. I think there are more braggers, liars, and just plain stupid assholes than we are told. Society, long before liberalism began to disturb it, has long held sex to be one of the most personal topics anybody can talk about regardless of any possible shame caused by religious guilt. Since sex concerns bodily function, only morons would not know that it should be private or is personal, just like going to the bathroom is private. When you go in, you close the damn door behind you, it's not a stage show for anybody's amusement.

One problem is the media, they are like pornographers only they use sex to keep you buying products and services, but it is like a form of prostitution. Another problem is bias caused by groups that are interested in their own agendas, and people (adults not just teens) fall victim to peer pressure and so they are afraid to speak anything other than what the sexually obsessed say should be done. These groups also hire sleazy lawyers to defend their own bullshit which they believe in. Another problem is public education polling and liberals using the public school system to teach kids how to be little sleazebags. I went to public middle school, which is like a little prison where they send 13 year olds which is 95% unmoderated and unsupervised by the teachers there. Good and bad kids together--yep--the good are pooled right along with the bad, and some of the worst behavior and foulest language you will ever be exposed to in your life happens right there in innocent, angelic, li'l middle school. Anyway, I remember there was a questionaire, obviously paid for by the taxpayers without their knowledge, that all the students had to fill out whether they had sex or not yet--at 13 years old! And I remember distinctly even at that early age that there was virtually no supervision by the adults giving out the questionaire, the kids were grouped together and talking aloud--discussing this question with each other and obviously lying, so the whole class was filling in the dot that indicated that they had sex, because they didn't want to be scrutinized by their friends who were looking at each others papers. I often wondered over the years how many polls get by this way when the media reports that most teenagers had or are having sex.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007):

i'm with you guys. 25 and never done anything. never even came close really. now, lo and behold, a girl form work--granted one 6 years younger than me and whom i thought to be out of my league--is clearly into me. i can't even begin to think how i'll explain this to her, so i've just been avoiding her until she gets over it. which, in reality, isn't what i want, just what i've trained myself to do. help?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2007):

hi, i am 25 & virgin too. i have never been kissed either if you do not consider the Doctor who forced himself on me when i was 14. i am an average looking girl ( people tell me i am beautiful but i don't buy that) and Guys are interested in me and i think i find some guys attractive but i haven't found anybody that i am interested enough to kiss me let alone sleep with. i found it disgusting if a guy i don't know try to make a move. i don't know if i have a problem or not.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2007):

Hi i'm a 24 year old female virgin and i've never had a boyfriend, i've no confidence as guys don't seem to find me attractive, i'm pleased to read though that i'm not alone, there is alot of pressure to conform to what the media says is normal, e.g. have sex while in your teens, I feel ugly and feel that the media highlights older male virgins than females, why is this, people who don't just sleep around for the hell of it should be congratulated but they aren't, its so sad!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007):

To the 30 year old virgin who lives in a big city and is worried that he won't find marriagable women of his own age who are themselves virgins. You're wrong. But I'm glad there are people like you around. I know several women over 30 who are virgins (myself included). I'd say I'm normal looking (although my brothers' friends after meeting me are repeatedly telling my brothers that their sister is beautiful. I'm not sure if I believe this. I think maybe the friends are crazy or my brothers are embellishing the compliments!) I'm 35 but everyone thinks I'm 25. I'm slender and slightly above average height. So there's nothing really wrong. People tend to like me very much, although I am somewhat shy and usually not the one to initiate converstation. I just never wanted to sleep with anyone until I knew that at least we both thought it would last forever. Many marriages don't last forever but at least by being married we would be under the impression that ours would. Both of my parents had passed away by the time I was 24, which caused a lot of pain in my life. By the time I was 28 I realized that I would indeed like to get married but that I needed time to mature, time to think about things, time to grow into my own person. When I was 15 my father was diagnosed with lung cancer and in the same year my mtoher with lymphoma. So from age 15-24 we lived in the shadow of the disease. And after my mother died it took a few years to adjust to the grief. So I needed some time. I didn't want to burden a husband and children with any baggage I still might have carried. I'm glad I took the time. But now I'm 35 and I would like to get married and have kids. And I'm very happy with my decision not to sleep around. To all of you out there who are concerned over your virginity, relax. Just because the majority of people in a given society are behaving in a certain way does not necessarily make it the correct way. I'm sure the actual act is more enjoyable when you are in love with the person in front of you. Besides there really are more important things to worry about.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2007):

Just wanted to let you know...that you are not alone in feeling shy and unable to make meaningful connections. Maybe we should all meet up and discuss this! :)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2007):

Hi im 25yrs old and cant help but feel ive wasted atleast 4-5 years of my life already.

After reading this forum thread I sat thinking for about an hour and ive decided to write it down in a post.

To put my situation I am in bluntly, I have no outside friends, I have never had a relationship with a female, and I still live at home with my parents.

Recently I hit probably one of my lowest points in my life when I got home from working a night shift I found myself alone again in my room when I started to think what the hell has happened.

I am a very shy person simple as that, shy people in this world pretty much get left behind (and alone) theres no doubt about it my life is proof of this.

Every time I go into a pub I feel like there are heaps of people looking straight at me analysing my every move and word. I can stand with a group of my football teammates and they are so funny saying heaps of funny stories and all this time I dont say a word simply because I dont have any stories to share let alone anything being funny, nothing comes to mind in these situations I just stand silent hoping noone asks me to speak up about anything or even realise im not saying nothing to begin with.

After doing reseach about shyness its pretty obvious this links perfectly to my life, every single time someone has rung me up to go out ive made up an excuse to not go. Once a work mate asked me to come to the pub after work with a couple of my other workmates who were there already haveing a drink and a bet on the races. I turn up and I find ive got nothing to talk about im silent yet again im basically just a listener and a laugher at their jokes person agonisingly waiting around till I can leave and go home.

I cant get myself to go to the mall to buy clothes, I feel embarrased when people are walking past me while im looking at shirts or jeans and extremely embarrassed when girls walk past. Ive only ever bought clothes from big shops like kmart/target ive never gone into a smaller designer etc type shop simply because my embarrasment feelings will be magnafied in a smaller environment with people in closer proximity.

I cannot begin to think I can move out of home, I think I could never get myself to talk to the realestate people, noway could I go into a bank to talk to a person who will help me get a loan.

My people skills are awful I constantly think about what they are thinking about me.

Now therein lies the reason I think im shy, I always worry about what other people are thinking about me. Thats one bloody hilarious sentence right there, the people I worry about dont know my name, I dont know their name they walk past in that minute and I never see them again in my lifetime. If you think about it when I go to the counter to buy the shirt I picked out I could say to the girl/guy "hey how are you today been a busy day?" or I could say "theres a lot of good looking shirts there" or anything I could even say this shops pretty crap to his/her face and walk out of there and GUESS WHAT ill never see that person again in my life.

To turn my situation around I think its going to be a day to day bit by bit process, if I have monday-friday of free afternoons ill begin the process by buying clothes on each of those afternoons, practise makes perfect the more I put myself in the situations theres no option but for me to become familiar and slowly but surely feel more comfortable.

Once I get new clothes ill maybe go to an actual hair salon instead of the barber ive been to for 15 years to get the regular short sides and top because im to worried about what he will think and the people sitting waiting if I ask for what brad pitt has, or even what he thinks I should get etc. Then ill move onto going to the pub every single afternoon until one day ill feel normal walking into a pub full of people.

At work and in places ill talk to girls even if its just to say something quick that wont nessacarrily make conversation just the fact that the more times I actually even say anything is slowly bringing myself out of this inclosed shell I am in.

Its pretty obvious practise makes perfect in all things in life, whats in the past is gone those 5 years of my life ive wasted I cant get back but im still only 25 I can practise going places in this next month alone and I can have a great next 5 years.

The fact is if you're a shy person you will be left behind and alone, if you realise your shy at 17, 22 or 25 like me you have to try to practise skills to bring yourself out of the shell otherwise without a shadow of doubt one thing is certain you will be lonely for ever.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007):

I just want to say to all the male virgins here, especially those with low self-esteem - you have no idea how rare you appear to be to women. We want men with your values, self-respect and respect for women. I agree with the person who said that 40 Year Old Virgin was misunderstood - Andy is the most attractive character due to his kind and sensitive nature and his introverted personality. Being an introvert is not what people assume it is - it doesn't mean a lack of social skills or ability. It means you think about things on a different level and relate to them according to your observations and intuition. It's a good quality. Most of my friends were more attracted to Steve Carell than the promiscuous characters in the film because he is actually the most emotionally intelligent. And remember - he got the happiest ending. (A VERY happy ending!!)

I am a 22 year old female virgin and I can't describe what a stigma that is where I live. Only one of my friends knows, because I would be seen as stunted in some way if they knew. But I am physically incapable of being physical with someone I am not attracted to. And I won't let anyone make me live my life by their ideals. I am not interested in their sex lives, why are they so interested in other people's? Well the answer is because they haven't examined their own lives, either because they are ignorant or scared.

Be proud of yourselves men, this woman respects you.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007):

Im 25 and I guess there are a lot of people, in this situation. Its good 2 know i aint d only one in this ship. Im from Nigeria and even here, its awkward being a virgin. I totally agree with the guy who said it would be alright 2 have waited this long if one could find a virgin bride. But as he said..it would be very difficult to find one.

Honestly i grew up in a very religious setting; attempts to lose it have been discovered and "preached out" but sometimes it bothers me. Maturbation has been a bad habit that ive fought with 4 a long time. Im still fighting. At a point the desire to do it consumed me and i nearly raped a friend close to me. Her tears broke my heart. I promised myself never to reach that point with any female again. I feel as though, if i tried sleeping around i would be "using" them and i just cant do that. But now I feel as if i should have at least tried "sinning" at least once especially now that i live on my own and there arent any parents lurking around.

I know christian wise i'm doing the right thing, but i cant help feeling as if something is wrong with me. If i get married to a bride who isnt a virgin i really hope it wouldnt bother me thinking of the fact that shes already been with other guy(s).

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007):

I'm 22...and im a virgin. It's actually kind of funny because I thought I would be one of the first out of my friends to lose it...but I'm one of the last that still hasn't "lost it". I'm not unnatractive...and it's not that I have no confidence...but I haven't met the right guy to share something so personal with.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007):

Glad to see that I am not alone!

I am currently a 20 year old male virgin. Of course, I have had to deal with a LOT of criticism over the years. Surprisingly enough, my friends never gave me a hard time...it was my family. Most people apparently don't know that I am a virgin as I don't fit the stereotypical "shy around girls theme." Actually, I have mostly female friends at my college. For some odd reason, I am intimidated by most older, masculine males (I am kinda meek and shy away from conflict), so I started becoming more comfortable with females than males (I am weird...I know). I guess part of this is due to my residence - I live in TN, so manliness (aka as being a redneck) is the "way to be".

For some odd reason, I have always had trouble expressing myself outside of light socializing. I just recently got my first kiss from a female friend several weeks ago, but she is quite a bit older than me, so I can't have a relationship with her - she's 38 I think. She practically had to force it out of me, but I eventually said something really dumb that showed my interest in kissing her. She was hugging on me for like an hour, so I guess any guy would eventually reach the point where he expresses himself regardless of how shy he is.

It still irritates me how my family members criticize me for being single. Some of my family members, although they are kidding, say that I am homosexual. They may not know it, but it really hurts when they say that.

I would love to get into a relationship at some point, but I have never had the courage to move forward. There's always something blocking me. I can't stand being around people that smoke or drink since I don't do those things, so that knocks out a good portion of women. Also, I don't want to get into relationship with someone that already has children. I guess I just have bad luck, low self-esteem, and am looking in all the wrong places. The movie 40 Year Old Virgin is kind of a slap in the face to people who already suffer from self-esteem issues regarding their sexuality.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2007):

hey man, i am in exactly the same situation, 25, and i also don't know what to do. this just breaks me completely, absolutely no self worth, confidence. I am deply suicidal and i don't know if i can keep it togheder much longer. it's not that i don't want or that there are no girls who would like me but i can not just make sex, mechanicaly, like an animal, i can not and i don't want to. I want to be in love to feel for someone but all the woman that I fall in love push me away. same answer "you are like a friend to me... bla bla bla". I really don't want to go to prostitutes to solve this problem, in fact i don't even know if i could. i also really don't know what to do, my chest hurts like hell, i am in a really dark place, google for suicide methods, i realy realy don't know what to do, just now the 4'th time that i was in love in my life, and again the same story, she pushed me away and this time is the worst. i just feel that i can't no more, i can't move like this in the world, no focus, no nothing it just breaks me completely. i know it's a dark post but maybe some of you are in a better position and can apreciate your situation.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2007):

I dont have much to add to what others have said below, except its so good to know others are out there going through the same issues.

I'm a 31 year old virgin, and its not by choice. There's nothing wrong with me and Ive learnt to hide my secret well, but I dont think I could get laid in a brothel.

My life seems to warp around the fact I'm unwanted, or I cant find the right girl who will understand.

So many of you have said it so much better.

It's tuff... but unless you can keep hope alive you've lost the game allready.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2007):

heres my take on this.. to each their own.

im 28 now, i lost mine at 18 and have had around 20 partners... i couldnt be happier. dont rush it though. just find someone you like. if you dont find yourself appealing then go to the gym for a few months to gain some confidence, start looking at women from the inside out, since you dont have the most experience, you will want to keep the cute, good hearted woman over the beautiful one that might burn you when the next stud comes along.

best of luck

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007):

I kind of know how you feel. im 20 years old and haven't lost it... and when u have friends that are around your age , 19-21, you get harassed about it all the time... i've had a few moments with girls but it's just 2 uneasy for me i get 2 nervous and i dont really desire sex because im so nervous around girls... probably has something 2 do with how i was raised, and mom always telling me how there's so many horrible girls out there and a few decent one's and what not.. the problem wiht me is not being the virgin, it's the people that mess with you about it that try and hook you up , when i really tell them i dont wanna hook up truthfully, then that's when i get harassed a whole lot more. I had a chance with a girl when i was 14 i should of just taken it but it was just 2 weird for me, but if i woulda known this would of turned out being known as the "virgin" i woulda had sex way back then.. I'm so shy around girls if i think they're attracted to me at all, that I just say the dumbest things to get rid of the girl, friends say imi probably gay.. dont feel attracted to men at all though.. but oh well.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2007):

To relate to the previous post, I can 100 % agree to what you have said.....You described me..

The only way I can explain it being that its an exact description of myself.... so thanks for that...

Im 23 , very much in the same situation, The last 8 months has been the hardest... Trying to relate to people about certain situations can work out so hard, Most of my mates i could never talk to about it.. it was just through random chance i thought id search for it...

Like most I think confidence is the main downfall,Plus the issue in hand i think from my perspective is down to circumstance, not choice... like i said mainly confidence..

I have relatively close mates, and close female mates but thats as far as it ever goes, you feel your the guy in the background all the time, ive never been part of the "in Crowd" and its never bothered me, Friends are the family you choose for yourself,

I dont know if others can relate to it but its that worry in your mind that lifes just passing you by, not that its the be all end all, im constantly enjoying my life but you get to that point where you dont want to be the one tagging along.... or thats how i feel.

just would like to say thanks guys, knowing that other people are in the same situation shows that your not the freak or abnormal as many others may think.... And just think that, because I know i will be, Many thanks..

Now I know its not one mad dash to the finish...

Good things may possibly come to those that wait..

Thanks

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2007):

Im a 24 year old virgin from UK.

The big issue about virginity is that it is not just the sex part which is the problem.

Its the fact that it affects ALL other aspects of your life.

I struggle to engage in everyday small talk with people I know, my family, people at work which has led to my life slowly collapsing bit by bit since I left school at 16. Ive ended up a nervous, anxiety-ridden wreck in ANY type of social situation, even buying milk is nerve-racking which is simply ridiculous i know. Ive been to see my gp, counsellors and recently a psyciatrist about the issues but have held back on some details, mainly just confessing to being agoraphobic, sociophobic, a loner, frustrated with life and slightly suicidal(although I know I NEVER would). It seems it may be to do with heavy drug use during my teens(mainly cannabis) which has left me with negative after-effects as I have grown up. I have progressively lost all self-confidence(expect in my intelligence which seems to grow rapidly on a daily basis, I am a genius!!), lost all communication with friends and the outside world, I am a loner, a curtain-twitcher, ashamed of my life to the point where I am ashamed to talk to my own family because I have turned out such a loser.

I am now 24 and getting to a level of frustration where something simply has to change in my life. I cannot imagine how much worse it is for people older than myself. I found the 40-year old virgin film very good actually in the way it depicted the virgin as having more genuine heart & soul than the serial-shaggers at his workplace, very true in real life situations. I relate to the film-character's heart and personality in that during my life-collapse over the last 6 years, I have explored weird & wonderful areas of the world & culture that I dont think I would have if I had thrown away my soul at an earlier age to get in with the 'in-crowd.' In other words, because I lost my confidence I have ended up gaining knowledge of unusual things in the world, and character in terms of having a genuinely honest, caring and compassionate side to my personality which I didnt have during my mid-teens. SO, hopefully have gained more in the long run. But I am now at the point that I would like to cash some of that in and get my confidence, and ultimately my life back which has been locked in a box while i have been on this painful journey of discovery.

Does anyone else here relate to what I have just said there, I hope so because I dont think im alone in this type of situation?

I have now slowly built up a rich and varied personal life, with interests/hobbies in underground music, martial arts, fitness, veganism, health, well-being, and I continue to research areas of life I don't know about by cherry-picking good books off amazon. Despite haveing been completely isolated and alone for a long time now I feel like I am reaching the stage where I am ready to dive into life head first. I recommend anyone out there who feels like they have no life, to get on the internet and research things you like doing or things you dont know about but you might like, research, research until you have built up knowledge of things you like doing then get stuck in, even without people around you like friends or whoever. I have recently ordered a book called "God Is A Woman" which supposedly will help me make that ever increasing jump into the dating/relationship/sex world which I have no experience of whatsoever. I would really like to have the confidence to start making friends with people too at some stage, for this I have ordered a book called "Feeling Good The New Mood Therapy" as recommended by my psychiatrist to help me break my negative thinking patterns (cognitive behavioural therapy) which teaches you to stop being anxious, nervous in your most dredded situations and frees you from whatever mental-prison your mind has trapped you in. If these new things I am trying do not work then I guess I'll either end up like Isaac Newton, a slightly insane, tortured genius who invents some incredible world-changing things, Or, perhaps just go to Amsterdam for the weekend on my own and learn the ropes of sex over there. I know that sounds a bit sad that a hooker might be the only option but no one anywhere seems to have any better f'in ideas, so that will be the very last resort. In fact my family have suggested that before in casual conversation!

Funny thing is in the back of your mind you know you will probably be a really great lover, better than most people, more caring and compassionate than most people could ever be, but still we deny ourselves happiness. Why does that happen, maybe its not us that denies this happiness, but some uncontrollable force in our minds or hearts written in our genes or by the way we have been raised by our parents. Who knows, just keep going and hope things will sort themselves out one day!

Hope this helps some people

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2007):

30 yo male virgin here.

You wouldn't know it if you saw me. I live in a big city full of single women. I have never been a religious person. I'm good-looking, funny, and confident enough to get the job done. I had some easy chances to lose my V-card in high school. Had more chances absolutely throwing their legs around my waist during college, but I still waited. Nobody was asking whether I was a virgin anymore by the time I was 18 or 19 years old. I never fit the virgin "type" so people didn't question me about it.

I was really glad that I had not had sex when I was 18 or 19 years old. I was still a little proud of it then. I was even kind of glad when I was 22 or 23. But by about age 25-26, I was getting regretful. I'm very sorry now at age 30.

I would not regret being a virgin ONE BIT if I marry a fellow virgin bride in the future. But I don't see how there's any possible way for that now. I want a partner who's personally mature, career-minded, socially normal & experienced, reasonably attractive, and not too religious. What are the odds of finding a fellow virgin like that for me at my age? I know it's never going to happen.

So that makes my virginity pretty much a waste for me. The main reason I think I waited was because I didn't want to be a hypocrite and I wanted a virgin bride. But this is the real world and I'm way to old for that now. I have no doubt that I'll end up with a woman who's had raucous bedroom fun with multiple other guys while I "did the right thing" and waited for her. And this will infuriate me every day for the rest of my life.

There's no way out of this mess that doesn't piss me off now. If I can't be a virgin groom with a virgin bride, then I would much rather have already had some real the fun with all the hot young girls that I could have easily had years ago. Even if I went out & screwed a bunch of skanky chicks tomorrow, I would still remain VERY frustrated about the past.

I just wrote all this in case it helps out others who are dealing with all the same problems. There really are some normal desirable men out there who are 30-year-old virgins. But it's probably not a good idea to stay a virgin this long. At my age, even the most chaste and socially-awkward men & women that I know aren't virgins anymore. Even they have all had serious relationships. Even the most virgin-types have all slept with a handful of different people already now.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2007):

It's a sad world we live in when someones virginity becomes this shameful, I am a 23yo and I feel like I fail at life, I work, don't really have many hobbies and feel like my world is spinning out of control. Personally, I think most of my problems (including my virginity and YES, I think it is a problem) lie with my conservative upbringing. None of us are alone, but then again, none of us are announcing ourselves either, and the ones that are just end up shamed and ridiculed, sad state of affairs.

F THIS

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A male reader, Cag Lee "Apollo" Adarma United Kingdom +, writes (23 June 2007):

Cag Lee "Apollo" Adarma agony auntHey.

you've got a lot of wide ranging advice here so i don;t have much to add- if i do it is only synoptically.

Firstly, i don't think people understood the movie "The 40 year old virgin" Directed and Written Judd Aptow. This movies essenc was that Andy, after all his "immature" idiosyncracies, was saner and more in control of his life than anyone of antagonists. In fact, Jay, Dave and Cal represented the mack daddy who was insecure, the romantic hurt by fickle lust and the contemporary hedonistic thinker/writer damaged by a bad upbringing.

Andy, though seemingly a nerd was more compassionate and understanding to the needs of the people around him.

THIS IS A GOOD THING- these are good qualities to have, painful to build but better of for you in the long run.

The adage "fools rush in" springs to mind.

Secondly, Men who find themselves single, virgins and not interacting with women, have this view of them that they are brutally creul sex vixens who compassionless drones. In fact most women are so nervous of their attractiveness that once you get past the bravado you'll find that they are as scared as you are.

Finding common ground is ESSENTIAL- be yourself, enjoy peoples company and try and relax and things will happen for you when you least expect it. Cliched but true.

Plus,women aren't all that great. some of them are shallow, socially insensitive, socially-inept attention seekers with little to say for themselves. They may at times be attractive but that sheen can wear off pretty quick.

Finding someone that you can have a conversation with and enjoy their company is a challenge. (ref: Annie Hall)

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Alot of people here have talked about entertaining the idea of going to a hooker. This is RIDICULOUS. This shows that these are boys looking for self-gratification rather than men looking to express a love through an act of love.

This world detaches sex from love and relationships and we see the consequences of this in high rates of divorce,abortion and children out of wedlock bearing the psychological brunt of broken homes.

Sex is not someting two people "have" its something that they give to each other.

You need to find the strength and the COURAGE to LOVE someone. That is the hardest thing to do. To give of yourself emotionally and mentally is tougher than giving of yourself physically.

I hope you weigh all of these things up in your life and realise that God has a plan for you, like everyone else, lean on His word and wait for His provision.

Peace and God Bless

The Capt

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2007):

This whole post is basically one long, unedited rant:

I can also relate to this thread. I am a 28 year old virgin. Being so career driven, I always felt that love would come in due time. Before college I had only had 1 true girlfriend and at that time I was too shy to try anything and we basically just kissed. Later, at college I tried to get a girlfriend and went on one date (which didn't lead anywhere) and asked one other girl out in 5 years. Since that time I have pursued even more education and haven't even tried to get a date since. There has always been a reason why it wouldn't work out. I had one relatively random experience with a woman and one more drunken experience with a man (just to prove to myself that I was not gay, which I am not.) Both of these experiences were basically making out.

I also feel like I'm losing it. I feel like I have so much emotion inside of me waiting to be let out. I have been told I am a very passionate person. I thihk that I am too picky. I just have to start somewhere. One problem from many, is I can only see a relationship if I can picture it leading to marriage (ie. a serious commitment.) I am religious, but that is not the issue either. I want intamacy more than anything... although I want sheer desire, too.

I think most virgins are virgins due to psychological issues. For myself, even growing up I had a hard time showing emotion to my parents. Then, when I had the most horrid growing up imaginable at school, I shut myself even further from the world. It also doesn't help that my profession tends to do the same thing! I was bullied and picked on in school and was always the geeky outsider. I couldn't relate to boys my own age and so stuck mostly to myself. I was a loner and to some extent still am. Since high school I have dealt with many of these issues, but this shift from the norm, this fork in the road which begain as a young teenager, just kept going off the beaten path. I feel more and more an outsider as my life goes on and this vicscious circle will continue unless I do something about it!

As far as a social life, my career puts me in contact with lots of people, just not my own age! I have always hated dance clubs and drinking parties. (Probably because I never fit in there and I hate the social lowlife of it all. And it all goes back to High School days.) I suppose I need to find good ways to meet people my own age if I am ever to find a partner.

Well, I know this is a complete mess as far as composition goes but I was just wanting to write. I don't know if anyone else will find it interesting, but there you go...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2007):

I think you should enjoy yourself. Forget about being not sexually active. Your probably not ready anyway if your so uncomfortable with yourself. Try looking after your appearance, health and take up hobbies to meet people and try to make friends. It's better for you to gain confidence in your self and social abilities than to just let feeling inadequate eat you away. You sound normal enough.

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A female reader, shygyrlnTx United States +, writes (14 April 2007):

Well, I am 31 & still a virgin and NOT by choice. I`ve only had one boyfriend. So I know how it is. I get way 2 nervous around guys & I hate it. I would love 2 finally meet a decent non-judgemental guy who knows how I feel. I watched the 40 Year Virgin & it made me real uncomfortable because I knew how it felt. I definatley do NOT won`t 2 be a 40 year old virgin myself. It sucks not having anybody in my life. It`s just that I get extremely shy around guys & I hate that. Anyways, I know how you feel.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2007):

I'm a 22 year old virgin as well. Alot of reasons why I haven't lost it. The biggest one being that I was born into a very strict and conservative household. Because of that I've always been very shy and timid around girls. I wasn't able to develop the confidence and social skills needed to attract girls. I've in university now living in a residence Where you'd think it would be easy to get "laid" Afterall, That's what everybody is doing right? However I'm scared of my own inexperience Which is why I don't even bother persueing the opposite sex. It's hard and there are times where I think it would be easier to just call up a well reviewed and understanding escort and have her show me what I've been missing. (I'm still considering it it's a heck of alot easier then trying my luck at the tired bar scene and chances are your average barslut is more of a STD risk. then a escort that takes care of herself.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2007):

Let me tell you something, love is an illusion. It was a great notion when life expectency was 30 or 40, but I don't think it's natural to have what Hollywood has sold us for a century. The 50% divorce rate is proof of this, or at least a good indicator. Therefore don't wait too long for this illusion, instead go hunt for the primal needs that every man has.

With this being said, I'm not shallow enough to believe that there are not special girls or guys out there for everyone. When it comes to these special people, we want very much to please them, and lack of experience will obviously make it difficult to please them (honestly, it will be almost impossible with regular intercourse if you have no experience). Therefore, as depicted in 40 Year Old Virgin, you have to get you some hood rats in order to gain experience before you meet a girl you like. To do that you have to highlight your strengths, downplay your weaknesses, and pray on women whose judgement you couldn't give a fuck about (i.e. drunk girls, dumb broads, bitches, etc). Now I'm not a sexist, regardless of what some of you may think, because I love women and I think that they are intelligent, complex, precious human beings, but like men, there are some who are not worthy of as much respect as others. With the experience you'll gain with just a couple "hood rats," you'll be able to adequately please your special lady. There's nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to that. If you are totally uncomfortable with that notion, the only way you'll probably be able to adequately please your special lady is cunnilingus, which is pretty easy to figure out. If you practice cunnilingus on an orange or a mango (I'm not kidding), you will become a pro, able to to get her to a place where she wouldn't notice if you performed poorly during intercourse because the foreplay was so good.

For the female virgins out there, while I can't attest to know as much about female nature as I do about male nature, I know that for the mostpart, you don't have as much sexual drive as men. Therefore, while I'm sure you are suffering, your suffering probably isn't as bad as that of your male counterparts. A good example of this is from a stand up special I saw in which the comic in question asked how many women have gone blocks out of their way to chase a hot ass they saw on the street. Most men have done this and more just to look at women. We need sex as part of our very nature. Therefore, if you are bothered by being a virgin and you are a female, you probably just have to be less particular when approached, because you will be approached, and in all likelihood, at least one of the men who approaches you will be a good guy. The notion of true love is more attractive to women than men, but like I said, I don't really think that it, or the perfect man who goes along with it, exist, and therefore, by waiting to find it, you're probably turning down a lot of good relationships, and eventually you will probably settle on someone who is not even as good as the ones you turned down in your younger years because you have become desperate to find a man while you can still have children.

Just be true to yourself and don't be afraid in anything you do, not just sex.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2007):

I'm a 25 year old going on to 26 this year virgin.

I think we should be proud of not being the types who sleep around catching and spreading disease.

My workmates who are younger than me go on and on boasting how many girls they have slept with, as if they want a medal for their amazing!(sarcastic tone)achievments. They compare how many one night stands they've had, and how great they are at pulling girls. One has no shame in saying that he has had Chlamydia about 4 times, and recently he even had to have an Aids/HIV test. Another claims to have had an sti on many occasions too. This stuff disgusts me, I mean sleeping around is one thing but without protection! How many people are out there carrying an std? You never know! Atleast when we do find someone that we will really be in love with, we wont have the consience that we have shared our body with hundreds of other people who dont mean anything to us.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2007):

I'm 22 man and a virgin. People are always commending virgins over their choice to save themselves, but I have made no such 'choice'. There is nothing to commend. In fact I feel like I have a piece missing.

It is not really the sex I feel I'm missing out on... I have had no experience with any sort of close physical relationship... I just want someone that I am allowed to hug, hold and touch. Being able to touch someone makes me feel at ease, but my inexperience gives me strong anxiety over stuffing it up. So I just stand there letting fear hold me back.

My friends don't have this problem and so give me strange looks if I try to explain. It makes me feel isolated even more, when the people closest to me can't relate.

The older I get, the more I feel I should be able to do this and the more my anxiety about not having done it increases.

Hmm, my story sounds pathetic :-( It is nice to know I'm not alone though.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2007):

i am sat here, wishing to say something inspirational, that would help everyone (including myself). but the truth is, live for the day and be honest with people from the start of meeting them! if they like you, excellent. if not, they werent worth knowing. no regrets. happy new year, love monique x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2006):

I'm a 26 year old female virgin and so happy to see others like me out there! Just like many of you, I felt like I was alone (or mostly alone). I liked the 40 year old virgin movie. It was finally a movie about sex that I could relate to. I am shy and maybe a little on the conservative side, but I'm definitely NOT embarrased about not being a whore or selling myself short. I'm proud to be disease free and unwanted pregnancy free as well. It was hard for me to meet guys in highschool or college and tell them I was a virgin, because like most of us have said we're freaked about the response.

WHAT I DID: I went on match.com. Simple. I don't drink, I don't like the single scene, in fact I don't have time for the singles scene, so I went to a place where I could carefully choose people I was interested in, people who I knew were available and looking. It took a while for me, but my current boyfriend wasn't on that site very long at all. It works differently with different people. We started slow. First with emails, then with instant messenger, and finally he asked for my number. We talked on the phone until I felt I was ready to meet him. He was actually more nervous than me! His words were, "I can't believe that you agreed to go out with me!" I was myself. I didn't broadcast my virginity, but I didn't put up false pretenses either. I told him I wanted to take it slow. That I was looking for a real relationship, built on friendship not sex. He was happy to meet a woman that didn't want to pounce on him and jump his bones (I'm sure TONS of women would appreciate it as well). He was glad that I was interested in getting to know him before getting to know his little friend.

The thing to keep in mind is that no one wants to hear they may not get sex soon just like no one wants to hear that romance is dead or there are no soulmates. My virginity was something we talked about AFTER we got close, when I felt like our relationship was moving in the right direction. It's been a year and I've started taking birth control. I'm still not ready, and he's patiently waiting because he loves me and knows I'm wonderful. This is not a freak story. Anyone can find love. Whether they're 25 or 50. Waiting for the right person makes so much more sense than doing all the wrong ones. The right person values you more than your *ahem* sex organs. The point is to be patient and get busy with a hobby. Find something to do to make yourself amazingly irresistable, and women (or men) will come flocking for the guy who is interested in more than her panties.

IMPORTANT NOTE: No one can resist a guy who wants to learn to please her. That's sexy. You don't necessarily need counciling, and yeah I HATE those people that think I'm sleeping around too!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2006):

It's true that it's other peoples reactions to ones virginity that concerns us. I bet that all these people who were so desperate they had sex when they '15' did it just to be in the 'in crowd' and not because they really wanted to.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2006):

There are a lot of us about then! I'm a 32 yr old (a new course leader?) UK man in exactly the position described by everyone below. Nerdy and shy when younger, i've gradually matured into a seemingly outgoing and confident person. I've got no reason not to approach women now other than my Big Secret, but because of that i hold back, and time goes by, and the Big Secret gets worse... it's a self perpetuating problem.

I've read advice along the lines of 'when you meet someone who really cares, it won't be a problem'.. well that's what i've always hoped for. About a year ago i met someone wonderful who i REALLY fell for, i was getting good vibes back from her, i thought she'd finally be the one.

Unfortunately the Big Secret still put me off, months went by as i embarked on my timid strategy of being friends and hoping that the situation would miraculously resolve itself. It didn't, maybe because she is pretty shy too, maybe because she didn't feel the same way, i'll never know. Eventually she got close to another of our friends and he moved in where i feared to tread. I'm trying to be happy for them, but, well.. it hurts, hurts like hell.

Only positive advice i can give to people here? I remember feeling the same when i was 25.. but from the perspective of 30+, people aged 25 seem very young - honestly. You've got plenty of time.

Unfortunately i feel i'm running short of that. I can't wait years hoping someone else will just turn up, i can't see they will again now. But it's hard to find a proactive solution. In our position we all know you can't easily chat people up in bars or go on blind internet dates, and i share the general contempt for the facile 'join an evening class' type of advice which is so often trotted out. Hmmm..

Oh, and I haven't dared watch THAT film either!

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A female reader, offair +, writes (31 October 2006):

I'm the same. Almost 25 and have never had sex. Really no experience. I just had my first kiss this past weekend. I was drunk. Which is not what I would ever have wanted. But yes I'm a virgin. I've never had a boyfriend. I have guy friends but most of them are online. I dont think there is anything wrong with not having had sex tho. Until you are ready. Like others my feels are less about that but about how a guy will react to it.

My friends tell me I'm pretty but I've never thought that. These issues go back to when I was younger. It has only been a few years since I've been able to go out to bars with my friends. Not to pick up guys but to just be with them. For years before I couldnt bring myself to go to those places. Now that I do I very few guys have ever come up to me, I can remember every one. And none have asked for even my phone number. So I'm begining to think its my personality as well as looks that has to do with that.

Its embarrassing to say that no one has ever been interested enough in me as a person to even want to start a relationship, even as friends.

Lately everyone has been asking me why I dont have a boyfriend. People I know look at me strangely. It makes me think something is wrong with me, I'll be alone forever. I never worried about this until recently. All my friends know that I have no experience. They don't say anything to me about it but I'm left out of certain conversations and even being invited to some things because of my lack of experience. It makes me a little bit sad, but I'm not goin to change the way I feel because of that.

Anyway..I think this was me just sharing my story more than anything..but the point is I can relate

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2006):

I 100% relate to these posts and the original poster is definately not the only one. Thank you to all the posters. It's not being virgin that bothers me its the reaction I think I'll get from girls when I tell them. I'm always hearing that girls want experience! I fear that when I get close to someone they won't be interested in me when they find out. I also fear that they won't believe me!

I'm not unsociable, and many of friends think of me as an outragous flirt! I just can't bring myself to ask for numbers. I too carry my past around - bullied at school, and I've had female friends who have really hurt me. I once asked out a girl out at uni who went and told everyone! I was a laughing stock and it stopped me really getting close to anyone else at uni. I used to get paranoid because I would be flirting with a girl and getting on great but they just cut me off and I kept thinking they must have heard the gossip!

I find it hard to trust someone enough to have sex with them. That's what separates me from seemingly everyone else - I want to have sex with some I trust. Also, I promised myself from a young age that I was NEVER going to be some womans drunken mistake. Apparently, that makes me picky - but so be it! Personally I think without alcohol there would be a lot more 25 year virgins out there!

Since graduating I have overcome my esteem issues. I've been through so much I can take whatever this world throws at me. I am content and now wanna just find someone to share it with. It hasn't been easy and the future won't be but in words of my fave musician - life is a beautiful struggle!

(Oh BTW RE: The apparent lack of virgins: I think there are a lot of liars out there! I have a friend who claimed to have many partners but I'm beginnig to suspect it was all talk and that he's a v******!)

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A male reader, TheActor +, writes (16 October 2006):

I have advice for all guys (and I guess this could help for girls too):

Read 'The Game'by Neil Strauss

While this book is how to 'pick up' girls, I found that when I read it, and started to understand some of the laws of attraction, I actually gained a lot of confidence, and that is DEFINATELY the most important thing in making friends/girlfriends. Although make sure that the confidence you have is real, not acting. Be yourself! so many people think they are being themself, but are still conforming to the social norms. You'll be surprised how people treat you when you say and act how you feel. Peace.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2006):

I am also a virgin, just turned 25, I have no problems socialising and have plenty of hobbies, but I have always been quite quiet, I've been told I dress well and am fairly good looking and I know most people at work etc assume i'm not a virgin, the older I get the less confident i am around women and i'd never dream of approaching any in a club or on a night out. it's getting to the stage where i am getting lonely now but I just can't see how anything is going to change, it is good to know i'm not the only one though, as it does feel like that most of the time

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2006):

Is contact allowed to be made ?

What to talk about ?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2006):

whoever posted the below....I would love to talk to you. I feel the same way as you. I am 26 yr old female in canada. How can I get in touch with you? or would u like me to post my e-mail?

-The update is that I am now a 26 year old virgin. I am getting counselling in a group. The way I feel now was put well by the last agony aunt ,

("The truth is that i'm petrified that anyone i meet will find out about my history and the fact that i'm still a virgin.")

I don't think that a women could be attracted to me, both in a physical way or in the way of having a good job/wage Social Standing

I live in England. Isn't it different to be a virgin in the USA.

Thank You All

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2006):

Heya,

Okay 21 year old vrigin, also in England. rom what I have read, we are all harbouring the same embarrassment issues. But reading these posts has given me the courage to say what teh heck. Any loser has the idoicy (can't spell!lol!) to judge me on whether I'm a virgin is really not someone I would want to be around anyway.

I mean it is like riducling someone for being ginger or having freckles. Ridiculous. I think that if persons like Lindsay Lohan can be ginger freckeled sex goddesses, virgins over the age of 18 need not worry about some silly label. And that is exactly what we are all fearing, right? A silly social label.

Should someone choose to shun me for being able to hold my legs together. I will judge them - loudly and harshly!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2006):

Hi I'm from the UK and I am a 25 year old virgin. I'm glad and surprised I am not the only one. I havent seen 40 year old virgin but whenever see the advert or see the dvd in the shops I cringe, it seems that virgins are ridiculed as outcasts when they are a certain age. I think that finding a virgin is difficult, they all appear to be loosing their virginity at a maximum age of 18, but just think at least we dont run the risk of std's, and if we do find a partner we will have the respect from them(hopefully)that we are not one of these guys who have a collection of notches on the bed post. I dont think that sleeping around is the least bit cool and doesnt make a guy a 'stud' so to speak. The problem I have is actually making the move and talk to girls, I need to conquer that first of all.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2006):

Celebacy is the best route. Focus on what you want to do with your life. In other words, focus on your career, hobbies ect. These days people are living until 80-100 years old. If you want to have sex with a hundred people pay for a prostitute. Otherwise, you will have to explain to your future wife the 100 people you shared yourself with before her. Don't committ unless your ready to buy. Sex before marriage=I can love you today but tommorow I might leave you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2006):

I have a friend who is 24 and a virgin. He was brought up with strong beliefs about marriage and sex, and he has stuck to them.

It probably bothers him a lot that he has never had a relationship with a women, but, I'm 100% certain that he will one day meet his soulmate and end up very happily married for the rest of his life.

By all means, tackle the low self confidence, with a councillor if you wish, but do not feel like there is any thing wrong with you, there are PLENTY of people in your boat. It's just that they are the quite, recluse ones that hide themselves away from the world... just like you are doing.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2006):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

The update is that I am now a 26 year old virgin. I am getting counselling in a group. The way I feel now was put well by the last agony aunt ,

("The truth is that i'm petrified that anyone i meet will find out about my history and the fact that i'm still a virgin.")

I don't think that a women could be attracted to me, both in a physical way or in the way of having a good job/wage Social Standing

I live in England. Isn't it different to be a virgin in the USA.

Thank You All

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2006):

Hi

I'm also a 25 year old virgin. All my mates tell me that i'm gorgeous etc and question why i don't ever have a boyfriend - they reckon it's because i'm too picky. The truth is that i'm petrified that anyone i meet will find out about my history and the fact that i'm still a virgin. And so i live in fear of relationships, which i admit is tragic! I hope that one day i'll meet someone who can accept me for who i am!?? No luck as yet but i'm determined to change.

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A male reader, malaysianfeet +, writes (25 January 2006):

What is going on here/ Are you a 'pure' unadulterated virgin because of low self confidence or are you a virgin who has loads of self confidence but wants to remain 'pure'.

You are not some organic being. You have issues of morality hanging like a sword on your head and inwardly you struggle.

Get your confidence level checked at the counselor. Meet the right person? Be the right person. She will come. They always do. Its a natural law.

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A female reader, willywombat United Kingdom +, writes (21 January 2006):

willywombat agony auntSweetheart, you don't need counselling. You are anormal bloke. Don't listen to the media or watch films which take the p*ss out of people, they are cruel about people who don't conform to the so called NORM.

You need to build your circle of friends, ask advice from mates about dating and stop focusing on the big VIRGINITY thing. Forget that. Make a friendly relationship with a couple of girls, get yourself feeling at home around women, then things will develop. If you are having a hard time meeting people there are clubs for shy individuals and online dating services where you can get to know people without thinking of the big sex thing. The more you stress about that the worse you will feel. I hope this helps a little. Remember there is no such thing as NORMAL. We are all different whilst being the same! If you get my meaning......

Good Luck x

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2006):

My friend, I am 31, a virgin, and until about a week ago had never had any real intimate experiences with women. First of all I have a number of words of encouragement for you.

Your age works in your favor without a doubt - keep an open mind and consider your own pleasure as taking a backseat to making someone else feel great. Folks younger than you often have a hard time doing that and it's no wonder they carry so many horror stories.

My current gf is 21 and she had a few younger boyfriend that she had messed around with - just the fact that I was more relaxed and older made our time together unbelievable. I personally felt like, 'What the hell?' so the addage that age works in the favor of guys is entirely true.

As for saving 'it' that seems to be a good idea - especially when you look on this site for answers about questions and concerns that come up about multiple lovers of SOs... and at 25 you may run into that question yourself at some point.

But overall, I have learned that it is not the nice guy who finishes last, but the guy who doesn't believe in what he does and has no confidence.

I was bullied too - seriously bullied. Even in my college years I got a lot of bullying, even from women who had axes to grind against men. For all intesive purposes, there were times when I really wish I could just yank my buddy out and flush it.

But you will never know how a personn will respond to you. I was cuddling with a female friend who was a little blue about self esteem and we talked about things that gave her hope, we hugged and ended up getting quite close and without either of us realizing it, we found ourselves in a full blown relationship...

Your problem, my friend, will be using your age and your common sense to hold the reigns a little bit, especially if you find someone younger than you who ends up really admiring you and looking up to you. But that is your future.

Take it from a 31 year old virgin guy.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2006):

Also glad to see I'm not the only one. the advice offered by the "agaony aunts" is total crap by the way. I've been at university for 7 years, now doing my MA, and continously meeting women. Not many are single though which kinda fouls things up. I haven't a clue as to how to solve the situation. I guess it might be that I just never feel comfortable enough to tell a woman how I feel and none of my experiences so far have help with that. Call it a new year's resolution if you will but this year I'm going to start speaking my mind more often. I'll write back in a few weeks if there hasn't been any success

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2006):

Glad to hear that I am not the only one. Great advice offered above by the way.

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A female reader, SugarPlum +, writes (28 December 2005):

I know how you feel being practically the same but female. I dont think people understand that its not the lack of sex we're worried about (although I'm not saying this is unimportant) but the idea of being lonely forever and a time like Christmas and the New Year just reinforces this idea. I think the answers put by the 'agony aunts' are good advice but its not always as clear cut as joining clubs or believing in yourself. I fear that perhaps I believe in myself too much and that I set unrealistic ideas about a partner. I've joined clubs but the socialising doesn't go any further than in the club (not for want of trying). Some people say you find a partner when you stop looking. I think this is true, albeit it that its a hard thing to do (stop looking for love, that is). I don't think there is a straightforward answer (if there was I wouldn't be single!) but maybe a start would be to try to forget about being a virgin. (After all, who knows aside from you?) Concentrate on building a friendship up (as happytochat suggested) with people you work with. You never know where it will lead.

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A female reader, happytochat Australia +, writes (27 December 2005):

What you have went through in life in the past and what is still affecting you now must be terrible. You suffer from severe cases of bullying as a child and probably as you have gotten old feeling excluded, unwanted and unloved.

As this has been going on for a whiel, there is alot of issues ot deal with. I think first you have to deal with what has happened to you in the past. Before you can just go out and have sex with a girl, work on your inseucries, levles on confidence and learning to love yourself, becasuse that is really importnat. You need to believe in yourself and see all the great things you have (and you do have great things!!! You are probably a very caring and understanding person, as you have been through alot so you probably understand other peopels pain alot more then other people would, so that makes you sensitivive and thats a great thing in a friendship and something woman look for).

So thats the first place to start, i sugesst you should deffintly go into counselling. You can't do it by yourself, or even with the support or friends and family, these are issues that more so only a counsellor knows how to deal with. So get yourself seeing somoene! It doesn't mean your crazy, it means that you have been hurt and are lost and don't know what to do.

After that, work your way up to just speaking to woman just as friends, dont look at them as potential lovers. Then build up a good frinedship wit ha woman you like, then if it feels irght perhaps start a relationship with her and see how it goes. It will get easier, but you realyl do need that professioanl help i think!

You have suffered for to long now, its time to put a stop to it and get yourself better!

You deserve this help, you really do.

Good luck and I hope you get through it!

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A reader, pops +, writes (25 December 2005):

YOu need serious counselling. Get it. The counselor will help you learn how to socialize, and meet women, and hopefully end your state of low self esteem, poor self image, and a total lack of courage. No one gets anything without trying. And, part of trying is a lot of failure. Don't expect to hit a homerun the first time you get to bat, if I can use a baseball analogy. Women are people, just like you. There are plenty of women out there who are 25 year old virgins, or would like to meet a man who is. But, get to work. Deal with the abuse issues by going to a mental health counselor first, and then start reconstructing your life. Everyone suffers anxiety whenever they try something new. We call it stage fright, or the yips, or nerves, etc. Learn to deal with it. If I were counseling you, I would have you sign up for courses to learn how to help other people, as in life saving, CPR, First Aid, the proper use of Fire extinguishers, and even instructions in using firearms for self defense. Then, instead of running away from danger when something happens, you will run towards it, knowing you have skills that can save other people. That goes a long way towards teaching people to at least show courage, even if they are scared half out of their minds. All heros are mere men who have found themselves in a crisis, and have simply applied the skills they have been taught, and to a man, don't think they did anything heroic, but were just " doing my job.". While you are learning to swim, and then learning to save lives in the water, and learning these other skills, you will meet a lot of nice people who will admire you for doing something that is rarely done in modern life today. They have sister, daughters, and friends, and that is how you can meet women who might be interested in meeting you. You can also do things for recreation that will bring you into contact with women, so you can meet them doing something before you ask one of them to go for coffee. Take Dance lessons. Most men have two left feet, and can always stand some lessons to be better dancers. I have yet to be around a dance studio that didn't have a chronic shortage of men. I took Ice skating in college, and found that like dancing, they were way short of men. I ended up skating with one of the prettiest women in the class as a regular partner, because I worked my butt off trying to catch up to her skill level, and she respected me for all that work. Check with your park district for activities you might like to do, where you will meet people. There are soccer( football) teams, baseball teams, volleyball leagues, and, in some locations, horse back riding clubs, and even canoe clubs. Great way to meet women you share you interests in these activities. If you are into ballet or Classical music, or opera, hang around the concert halls. Look for single women during intermission and say hello. You will meet a lot of very nice and educated people that way, and also a few who are just so darn glad they found someone to talk to! Those suggestions should keep you active for the next couple of years. Good luck.

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