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New boyfriend and his ex-issues, should he keep talking to her?

Tagged as: The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 November 2010) 4 Answers - (Newest, 30 November 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend and I have been dating about 6 months. He was on again off again with his ex and finally ended it for good in march. They were still in contact every day and she lives close. She doesn't like me at all and has been trying to get him back... writing him letters about how she misses him. I really believe him when he says that they didn't belong together and he is very honest and open about everything. I really want to trust him, but ever since his ex brought back all the presents he ever gave her... I feel jealous that he has kept them. He put them away in the back of his closet, but they're still there... along with the first flowers he gave her and a picture of her. As far as I know, he doesn't look at them often, but I want him to get ride of them. I feel like the past is the past and we both agreed that she just gave them back to him to influence him to think about her more. When he told her we were dating, she flipped out and demanded to come to our house and meet me. He refused and she blew up at him telling him she was seeing someone too. He got upset but quickly got over it. Now, every once in a while he'll wake up earlier than me and he told me one time that he was thinking of her in the morning before I got up. Did we start something too soon, does he need more time to get over her? I'm starting to become this jealous monster and can't stand it when he says he's been talking to her. Just even hearing her name drives me nuts

View related questions: flowers, his ex, jealous

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A female reader, the_hidden_key Australia +, writes (30 November 2010):

Ok problem is with putting a question like that on a site like this is you are going to get different answers giving you things that you should do. Which since you are doubtful and uncertain what to do already lol i don't think is really helping but here we go lol.

I'm going to say i disagree to the person above me, that anon girlie :P, i want you to know that what i write shoudln't be taken as something you should do, just consider my point of view just as you have all the others :)

Firstly, i do not really see it as such a bad thing that he keeps memorabilia (sorry can't spell) of her, some guys do that with old girlfriends. Keeping things that remind them of the times, and the good memories. It doesn't mean they are in love with them still OR that they want to be back with them or anything. I mean i'm sure there are heaps of things for example that you've kept from your childhood, or like old projects you did when you were in primairy school. Sometimes you look over them just to remember and that is a nice feeling, not to think ohhh i wish i was that age an doing that again, but just to reflect and remember. yes?

Secondly, obviously his ex is not over him (obviously) lol. I don't think you necessarily need to take a break with your boyfriend. But i think a little chat needs to happen. Boundaries. Every relationship at some point needds boundaries to keep it going. Tell him that you love/like him whatever and enjoy your relationship with him but you are concerned about his ex interfering with the relationsip at hand now. You say he is very open with you. That is a good thing, alot of guys and trust me on this, alot of guys will not be so willing to part alot of what they have to say, so be greaful for that atleast. You need to be open with your feelings/thoughts with him too. He seems to trust you but maybe you don't trust him as equally.

You need to let him know how this affects you, in a way it's good that you are jealous because it shows that you really care. And if worse thing comes to it, then yes take a break maybe he needs time to get over her and then you two can pick things back up. Or maybe he should restrict contact with her. Restrictions how ever can feel controlling, and there is nothing worse than if he gets irritated because he feels like his freedom is cut off. You would be taking away his choice. Having said that if he knows how you feel about it then he should and will stop interaction with her or atleast cut it down a bit.

What i think might need to happen is if you tell him how you feel blah blah blah and then ask him if it is you that he wants, because lets stay in the pressent here, if he wants you then he will go over there and tell her that it is defintely over and there is no hope for him and his ex to ever be together so she can forge the idea. Or soemethng on that lines. She needs to know her place, that she isn't going to be with him, you are. You are what is most important to him right now, not her. she needs to accept that he is either with someoen else or bugger off completely mk.

In a way too, him doing that will be like a test to you that he is dedicated to be with you.

There are so many variables in this situation that is why my answer is so long.

But if worse comes to worse than take a break, things will only be better once he has sorted out himself a bit.

But DO NOT dump him because he is not "emotionally free" i'm sorry anon person above me but that is just bad advice, everyone needs time and alot of us get confused etc. We all have some issues, Everyone does.

Work things out, i hope i've helped =D

Good luck!

Take care xx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010):

If you're strong enough to take a break from him then that is what you really should do to see if he really cares about you. He is torn between both of you and the other girl isn't giving up on him right now. Let him remember why they are not good together and why you too are. If you're meant to be together you will wind up together again. In the meantime keep yourself busy and date some more. Let him see what he's missing. When he's ready he will throw the box out on his own without you forcing him.

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A female reader, poisonbunny United States +, writes (30 November 2010):

poisonbunny agony auntwell it sounds like he still has feelings for her but he does not want to atmit to it and also you two should try to deal with it befor your jealous demon comes out of you and then you two will have a relationship problums which leads to a break up and that jealous demon will follow you too the next relationship

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010):

Why is he still talking to her? there is no reason too and to me it sounds like he is not over her or giving himself a chance to either. Maybe he likes playing the game? having a new girlfriend and making his ex jealous? If I was you I would tell him to throw away all those things of hers, he has no right keeping them! if he refuses then it is time to say bye and move on to a emotional free man.

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