| A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: When my husband gets jealous he sometimes assaults me and becomes very intimidating and threatening to me and I get very scared.It’s even worse when he’s been drinking alcohol.I have been with him for nearly 8 years and he had jealous rages within the first few weeks of me knowing him.I am currently separated from him but I am very nervous about returning to him.
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (23 August 2019):
 Go and collect your belongings when he is out of the house or take a friend/family member with you for safety. If it’s your house then work on an eviction notice to get him kicked out.
DO NOT even consider getting back with this man as YOU are the only person that will suffer from it.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (22 August 2019):
 One of the biggest mistakes people in relationships make is thinking they can change the things about their partner they don't like and turn them into what they would like them to be. I have to assume there are things about him you like, otherwise you would not have married him (surely?). However, there are also parts of his character which are NOT nice. You thought you could change those. Now you know you can't, but you are still talking of going back to him.
You explained why you stayed (because you - wrongly - believed you could change him) but you do not explain why you contemplate returning to him, even though you have admitted you now realize you cannot change him. It isn't relevant whether he has any control over what he does; the fact still remains, he DOES it.
WHY are you contemplating going back?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 August 2019):
 Fine, you stayed because you hoped he might change. But now after EIGHT years , hopefully, you realized that he is not going to change, because if he had any intention to change he would have had ample time to do it already. So, you should not go back , because nothing has changed.
You are still very focused on him and what he may feel think and want, rather than on yourself and what YOU feel think and want. That's not good. Who cares why he does what he does ? How is that relevant in your current and future abuse- free life ?
" He does what he does because he is a despicable , miserable jerk ", wouldn't that be a good enough answer ?
...If there's more to the story, that would be between his psychoterapist and him ; it does not necessarily concern you
Turn your energies, your curiosity, your intellect,your passion toward yourself and making a new jerk free life for ourself.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 August 2019):
F
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (22 August 2019):
 No one should call you stupid for having stayed. In a perfect World no one would be abused or abuse, in a perfect World walking away from an unsafe relationship would be easy.
But it's NOT a perfect World.
You can't fix an abusive man with love or care or by being the BEST wife you can be. HE is the one who is broken. You hoped that he could change, if ONLY you did XYZ. But most abusive people don't WANT to change, they feel a "right" to be the way they are. Whether it's because they grew up watching Dad beat mom, mom beat dad or because they grew up with no real male( or female) role-model. Doesn't MEAN they have an EXCUSE.They continue or start a cycle of abuse that IF their partner STAYS with them and later have kids can be passed on and on and on.
Whatever HE gets out of ABUSING you is, really, IRRELEVANT. He needs help, that YOU can not give him. That only HE can seek out and work on, IF he so chooses. My guess is, he doesn't CHOOSE to get help or he would have looking and joined a program or therapist when you separated and left.
Don't go back. He will PUNISH you for having left. Maybe not the first week or month but it will come.
YOU deserve a life where you DO NOT have to be scared of your partner or for your life.
Seek help for yourself. Get on your own two feet, divorce him and keep working on a better FUTURE for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2019): I am the OP and yes maybe I’m stupid and there is no bigger picture.
I think it’s called trauma bonding and trauma bonds are very difficult to break.
But if you want to know why I stayed as long as I did, you think they may change, you hope for change.
I wonder to myself does he do this deliberately and gain satisfaction from this or is it because he is disturbed.
I don’t know and yes I know my safety is more important and I’ve finally realised I can’t help him.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 August 2019):
Well, if he is abusive, of course you are very nervous about returning to him ! Why should you NOT be nervous ?? Thanks God that you are nervous, this is your survival instinct telling you : NOOO ! Don't do it ! Don't go back!
I'd like to know WHY are you even considering going back to a violent, abusive husband. It does not make any sense !, it's like a fugitive from jail , that after so much struggle to escape ...is trying his best….to go get locked up again !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2019): I am the OP and yes maybe I’m stupid and there is no bigger picture.
I think it’s called trauma bonding and trauma bonds are very difficult to break.
But if you want to know why I stayed as long as I did, you think they may change, you hope for change.
I wonder to myself does he do this deliberately and gain satisfaction from this or is it because he is disturbed.
I don’t know and yes I know my safety is more important and I’ve finally realised I can’t help him.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (20 August 2019):
So you knew he had anger and jealousy issues and you STILL married him? Why?
And why, having got away from him, would you want to go back to being abused?
There is so much you have not said that I do wonder about the larger picture.
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A
female
reader, KeW +, writes (20 August 2019):
 Hi there,
I'm not sure what country you're in, but please find your nearest women's shelter and find help to leave him. Returning to him could lead to you needing to be hospitalised or worse.
Best of Luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2019): Please don't go back.
Stay separated. Join a support group, go to therapy if you can.
You need to constantly remind yourself what was the reality of living with him.
In order to avoid getting back with him, you need to understand your reasons for staying with him for so long.
We all can like even bad guys, but the first time they start treating us badly is the moment of truth. People either leave them, which is a healthy reaction or stay, which is a sign that we have some issues, even if we stay with the noblest of intentions and try to help the person we love.
Some women stay with their partners because they are financially dependent. Some stay because they are afraid of being on their own. And the list goes on and on... whatever it is, in its core it is the FEAR.
The only way to deal with him is to deal with your fear.
Going back to him will only feed that fear, make it stronger, which in return will make it more difficult for you to leave him again.
Stay strong!
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (20 August 2019):
Why are you returning? You can do better than this. Maybe you won’t be so lucky to get away the next time he assaults you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 August 2019):
Why would you return to him, OP?
What makes makes you think HE won't hurt you again?
If you already left, make it final and divorce him. NO ONE deserved a violent or abusive partner. NO ONE.
And people who have been violent with a partner don't just STOP. He might be "nice" for a little while to get you to come back, but it WILL escalate.
You should put yourself first here. Have you contacted any kind of Battered Women's hotline/halfwayhouse ? If not, I think you should find a number in your area and call them.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (20 August 2019):
 Do not return to him unless he has got the help for his conditions.
If you do go back and something worst happens...then what???
This is a time to use your head, not your heart.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (20 August 2019):
 My heart aches for you. I was married to a physically abusive man once. He broke my arm after countless times of hitting me. I left the day he broke my arm because I was afraid of what might happen the next time he hit me.
OP PLEASE..DO NOT RETURN TO HIM. He could hurt you so badly that you might not live to see another day. I am not kidding and not exaggerating. You've already done the hardest part by leaving .Why oh why would you return when you know what he can do? Please don't say I love him. He has already hurt you and you are safe now. STAY THAT WAY.
I wish you all the best. You can make it without him. Turn to family, friends, your faith, get counselling, get HELP but do NOT go back to him!
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (20 August 2019):
 You've have made the break and thats the hardest part. But you have done it. Please please please dont go back to this horrid man. I shudder to think what this man is really capable or how far things will go ONE day.That one day may well be your last on this earth. Why are you considering going back to him? What is it that makes you want to even consider the thought?
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A
male
reader, Boris Grushenko  +, writes (20 August 2019):
 Your husband has some serious issues. Jealousy is often a way in which underlying problems out, agression and drinking pose a serious threat to your integrity.
I wonder why you would consider returning to him.
While he is probably suffering emotionally, there is probably little, if any, room for improvement. It's more likely the situation will escalate even more. All the empathy in the world can't cure nor improve him. He will have to work on them himself but before that can happen, he will have to want to work on his issues. The little information you provide contains no clue he has ever considered this.
Of course, with therapy (both individually and as a couple) things might cool down. But if you consider this route, know that you are in for a bumpy ride and some issues might never be completely resolved.
As for your homework: I guess you'll have to figure out what draws him to you (and what made you sit out this situation for 8 years). This will not change your situation but it will probably give you the backbone to make a decision. It will also give you some insight that might be valuable in future choices.
Abusive situations usually leave their mark so if you have the means, I would advice to see a therapist. He (or she) will also be able to help you with understanding your current situation.
You don't mention childeren. While some might argue they have a right to a father, please consider that returning might also affect their safety.
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