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Needy or neglect... That is the question!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 March 2011) 7 Answers - (Newest, 27 March 2011)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hey. My boyfriend said im being needy but i feel like im being neglected and i dont know witch of us is right, sorry if this is long but i really need help to figure it out thank you. Well thursday i wanted to talk to him on the phone and he said no because he talked on the phone to me yesturday and that he would call friday so i just said ok, well friday comes he dint even call. But i was sapost to play an x box live game with him and his friend and after the first round he ignores me and just plays and talks to his friend so im just stating at a wall in the game for 40 mins listing to them talk to. Till finally i just go and log off then texted him and said good night and he said it back. He dint even care that i logged off or wondered why i quite he new how much i wanted to play with him. Im just upset cuz i feel like he would rather play with his friends and that it would hurt him to talk to me two das in a row. Also its around my time of the month so my bf said thats why im acting like this. So am i really needy?

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A female reader, dmartin89 United Kingdom +, writes (27 March 2011):

dmartin89 agony auntThe issue here is that you both have very different ideas as to what you want a relationship to be.

He wants space, you want more contact.

Unless you can accept that this is how he is going to be, then its not going to work. Trying to change him to satisfy your perspective of the relationship will end up in frustration and anger.

From your description, its clear to see that you're not the type of girlfriend he wants and he's not the attentive kind of boyfriend you want.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2011):

end it now its neglect and if he really cares he will come back for yu and wen he does if yu want to take him back make him suffer and yu play hard to get and if he keeps tryin tht means he cares.

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A female reader, SlaYerAddict9007 United States +, writes (26 March 2011):

SlaYerAddict9007 agony auntHe sounds selfish. If he makes it sound like it takes so much effort to just say hi to you, he doesn't seem worth your time. You can do better. I've been in the same situation before.

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A female reader, msnewbeginning United States +, writes (26 March 2011):

msnewbeginning agony auntIts called neglected! He just uses excuses so you would feel like its your fault. Don't allow him to put anyone before you when it comes to crazy stuff. If you start out letting him do it, it will never end. Start spending time with your friends and ignore him and he'll will see how it feels.

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A female reader, BettyBoup United Kingdom +, writes (26 March 2011):

BettyBoup agony auntNo you don't sound needy. He is acting selfishly and not considering your feelings. It's not much to speak to your girlfriend when she wants to. Once a day is not a big ask. Then he didn't even do as he promised and call you the day after. To top it off he completely ignores you when he was supposed to invite you into a game, and he knew it. That is just disrespectful and rude, as well as mean. If you love someone you shouldn't ignore them.

I don't know what you want to do about it, but just so you know, I don't think you are needy. He doesn't deserve you, he's treating you like he doesn't care. Maybe you should give him a taste of his own medicine and ignore him. It sounds like it would be hard for you, though, as you sound like a nice person who loves this guy. But he doesn't deserve you and patronises you by saying you are needy because its your time of the month. Tell him he has to treat you with respect or you are walking away, and stick to it. You can do much better. It doesn't take much to achknowledge and say hi to your girlfriend.

Good luck

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A female reader, Catharsis United States +, writes (26 March 2011):

Catharsis agony auntFirst off, if a male blames your period for your actions or attitude, I would regard that as rude.

Now. Onto the issue.

You don't NEED to talk to him every day, though no doubt I bet it's rather nice to talk to him and hear his voice and simply hang out.

However, if this is a new relationship, do NOT crowd him and try to take all his free time. You want him to become accustomed to the thought he's in a relationship and that he should spare at least a little bit of time to his girlfriend.

Else, what's the point of dating?

Now. If this is a relationship that's been around for, say, a month or two, he should be on the wagon. What I would expect at this point is at least some sort of time to hangout every week, and text messages here and there.

You don't have to hang out every day -- EVERYONE needs their space.

Don't make him feel as though you want him to stop hanging out with his friends.

But, the two of you should hang out at least once or twice a week, and if once or twice a week he wants to hang out with his friends, let him.

He's neglecting you if he doesn't text you, doesn't hang out with you, ignores you, says your period is to blame for your attitude and insight, makes excuses not to hang out with you and would rather hangout with his friends than you.

What I would suggest is to give him a little space, and if he notices, then maybe he's not neglecting you.

Although, say, if you were to give him space and not text him or offer to hang out, and he never texts you or asks to hang out then maybe there's something up.

Hopefully -- this helped. I've been in a relationship where my boyfriend was needy. He wanted me to text him 24/7, he wanted to hang out every day. I didn't know how to say no.

He didn't like it when I went to hang out with my friends.

In the end the relationship just didn't work out.

so be sure to look out for signs of neediness on your part. You don't want to drive your honey away.

Hope I helped dear. :)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011):

Hey, I dont know how old you are but this guy doesnt sound worth it to be honest. I can see that you really care and want to talk to him and be with him but its coming across as very one sided. Im in this situation now, a very one sided love thing so i know what its like for you. Your not being needy, he's neglecting you, i wouldnt worry about him because he doesnt sound worth it. If he'd rather play an xbox game than talk to his girl friend then he's the one with problems not you. So sit there and think for a little bit, smile then try work out whats best for you. You may not see it at first, it may not be easy but trust me about this one, you need to think long and hard about it. Ask yourself is he worth all this effort for nothing in return? Because I have just come out of a 2 year relationship where i gave my everything for nothing so its abit like yours i guess.

I also got help, ask people who are outside the whole thing to look in and help you decide but you must remember its your choice at the end of the day. If your happy like you are, then so be it keep going.

What could help aswell is to talk to him, ask him why are you being like this? why are you xbox live friends more important than your girlfriend? And if it comes to it tell him your not interested and have moveed on, let him realise his loss because you dont know how much you need something until you dont have it. That will either break you free of this neglectful relationship or making him respect you more.

Good luck and I hope it all goes well for you. I know its not easy but smile, keep yourself busy, take your mind off it and keep going. You'll be okay in the end. I hope this has helped


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