A
female
age
36-40,
*eknikal
writes:I have been in a relationship for approximately one year and eight months. For a year now, it's been a LDR. I made it rather clear to my current bf that if he moved away, this relationship will most likely fall apart. I said this because I know myself. I get bored with men rather quickly if they aren't keeping my interest, and additionally I hate confrontations and hurting men's feelings so I end up staying with them much longer than I should. I think I have legitimately broken up with a man one time, and all the other times I waited for them to dump me or it just fizzled. So when he told me he was moving, I pretty much had already lost interest in him but just didn't know how to break it off. He has been very dedicated to me in terms of visiting and being a good boyfriend, and constantly reassures me that he is moving back to where I am. I have talked to him about breaking up about 3 times, and he just manages to change my mind/talk me out of it. I am afraid that he's really in love with me now and doesn't want to let me go. I was unfortunately being selfish and have let this go on so long. The times I have tried to talk to him about breaking up, I can't get the truth out of my mouth because it sounds so hurtful - that I am not attracted to him or that I don't love him. On to another dilemma, I don't think I've ever been in love before. I have dated and had long term relationships, but looking back, I don't think I ever loved any of them. I may have been infatuated but as time went on, the novelty wore off and I realized they weren't for me. I see how my friends now are in love, and they will bend over backwards for these men, and how I never felt that. I figured this much, it's because I haven't met the 'one' that makes me feel that way. Until now, that is. We have a professional relationship between us in a University setting, but it's been made rather clear on my end and on his end that we like each other. It's too early to tell what will happen, but I've never felt this way about anyone ever. I know this is infatuation to an extent, but I feel like it's a matter of love at first sight/speak/interaction. We locked eyes and it was immediate 'wow' between us, which I have never experienced before, either. I've never felt the rush to get married or have children, but he makes me reconsider my feelings. I imagine my life with him and I feel so complete. Due to our professional relationship, it's understood without us even having to discuss it that it would be unethical to try to rush things right now. So, my questions after my long explanation is - how can I break up with my boyfriend without hurting his feelings? I understand feelings are going to get hurt, but he's a great man, just not for me. I want him to know that I care about him deeply as a friend, but that's it really. I just want to lessen the blow somehow because I know how he feels about me. He feels about me like I feel about the new man in my life. As for the other man, I want to let him know that I am seriously interested but with respect to him and his position. I do not want to jeopardize his job, but I want him to know that him and I should pursue something when the time is appropriate. I don't want to scare him either though. Due to the way he interacts with me, I am fairly certain that he has some interest. I just don't want to be too forward about it either, so I need some advice on subtle ways to let him know that we should get together.
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female
reader, MeganJJ  +, writes (26 February 2012):
You can't break up with anyone and not hurt their feelings, if they like/possibly love you. You are clearly aware of this, as you have shied away from breaking things up yourself before. You just have to honest and blunt -- the more clear your feelings are towards him, the less gray area for him to torture himself wondering if you meant this, or meant that, etc.
As for the new man, I really hope you're not talking about a professor-student situation. That aside, you may way to be careful, you may just be experiencing very strong lust -- which is the poor man's (or woman's) love. You haven't know him that long, it would appear, so be careful about putting a label on your feelings, or making plans about your future without even knowing how he really feels about you.
Good luck,
Megan.
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