A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a contolling guy friend...i mean controlling in ways that i dont believe are healthy at all... Prob the worst hardest controlling techniques ever... And yes to me very odd and differant because he is my friend... in that sense i feel its safe but then idk??.. And my ex boyfriend beat me a few times and wasn't even this bad with controlling behaviors...Ive already lost all my girlfriends and he is working on the family...I know this is a stupid question but what do i do????? I can not try to help him or change him that has only caused him to get upset and say i hurt his feelings... So what do i do?? Will i be safe to just stop talking :( or do i have to vanish from my home even tho we dont live together??? Like how i did with my ex..
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2017): Well he's the second controlling or dominating man in your life. You call him a friend; but is he really an extension or clone of what your ex-boyfriend was?
You have to learn to avoid aggressive or controlling behavior in men. You don't wait until you're trapped into relationships with them; you have to back-off when you see the first signs.
We can advise you to separate yourself; but you're just going to use your feelings for him as an excuse to remain.
So are you asking for advice you'll use, or looking for a magical spell to change him into the kind of person you want him to be?
When people exhibit behavior you can't handle, you separate from them. You also have to be careful how you use friends. If you are indecisive and have bad judgement; and rely on people to fix your mistakes. You are showing them you can't take care of yourself. Sometimes what you're seeing as controlling is them trying to fix or protect you.
Playing the damsel in distress can backfire. Then he'll always step in to rescue you; because you're constantly complaining, or acting as though you're being picked on.
To be honest, it seems as if you've been telling him about how people are mistreating you. He's taking it to mean you want him to do something about it. Some guys think they have to fix things. Whether you want them to or not.
You might be attracted to a certain type of guy. If you look for guys who like to dominate and over-protect women, they don't have filters or gauges. They don't know how much is too much. Or worse, don't care!
I think you need some distance from him for awhile. You might need to practice a little more independence and show your own strength. Don't act helpless, frail, or brainless; then accuse guys of being "controlling."
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 September 2017):
 Someone who is trying to isolate you is NOT a good friend "for real" or otherwise.
You say you have lost all your female friends and now he is working on your family? Why? Why does he feel he needs to do that?
Are YOU constantly complaining about friend and family and he thinks he is helping you by alienating the other friends/family? OR is he seriously isolating you?
If it's the first, put your foot down. If it's the second I'd say slowly walk away, cut the contact over time with him as he might NOT want to let go of you. Especially if you are DOING what HE wants. (as in dropping friend and family for him). This can escalate into something really unhealthy - and again it's the latter - it already IS unhealthy.
YOU can't "fix" him or "change" him. That is not how life works. You giving up friends (if they are REALY and GOOD friends) is NOT helping you and it only gives him MORE control.
Personally? I think you are better off cutting this "friendship" off.
Will you be safe? That I can't guarantee. Someone who is controlling are not always safe people. It can turn into an obsession for him which can lead to stalking etc. I think the SOONER you tell him, I don't feel this friendship is working out for me and BLOCK, DELETE and REMOVE him from your life - the sooner you can move forward. JUST be aware that toxic people are not thinking like others. And he IS toxic for you. IF he threatens you, follows you around, contacts people around to check up on you, you might have to get family and the police involved.
I think he KNOWS you are a vulnerable person who has dealt with domestic violence and who doesn't know how to set normal and healthy boundaries in her life. You are, in short, an "easy target".
And that is something YOU need to work on. AFTER he is out of your life.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (22 September 2017):
 This doesn't sound healthy in the least.
If I were you, I'd be straight up and honest with him... Hurt feelings and all; he needs to know the truth about his behaviour.
If that doesn't help, you may have to end the friendship with him which is actually option number one in my head because he's just creepy. I mean, if you feel creeped out enough to ghost your own home because of him then you know that something is seriously wrong with this guy.
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