A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hai, ok my wifes sexual past haunts me. Married 6 years and i am recently just finding out about her.i was a virgin when i married her and when we talked during our dating years she implied that she was pure. I came acros her diary and yes sorry i read it. Am the 16 guy she has slept. Man she played me am hurt how do i get even? Dump her? Now am scared i might have an STI why did she decieve?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (25 July 2010):
 If the OP would like to have admin reopen this question, please PM me. Thanks.As an additional note, questions aren't meant for general debate about positions. If you would like to debate, publish an article (yes, you can do that as an anon or under your own account) and present your position there. Targeting other aunts is not permitted under the site guidelines.The OP deserves the courtesy of advice to his/her question.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2010): Yos, I dont know why you and Q1604 post your own statistics with no support. Like we're suppose to believe that doing is doing everybody with you said so.
I found a more recent report from The Kinsey Institute:
"Males 30-44 report an average
of 6-8 female sexual partners in
their lifetime ( Mosher, Chandra,
& Jones, 2005).
Females 30-44 report an
average of 4 male sexual
partners in their lifetime
( Mosher, Chandra, & Jones,
2005)."
No matter what site you check,the numbers are going to be small. Stop trying to make the guy look like hes overreacting because all women have had sex with more than 16 partners. you gotta be kidding
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (25 July 2010):
 The statistics on numbers of sexual partners are all very inaccurate. 16 is not at all an unusual number, it's really very ordinary. A significant number of people have much much higher numbers than that. Also bear in mind that cultural attitudes to female promiscuity have changed rapidly, it's now increasingly socially acceptable in more and more contexts. However much the idea of it upsets some men... (usually the ones who are missing out).
Quoting statistics numbers of partners in these discussions depends entirely on where you get your data. And the data is very inconsistent.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2010): There is too much defending here and thats not fair. The man wants help. Now was it wrong to look through her diary? Technically yes. But thats no different than a woman going through her husbands cell phone to see who hes been texting and calling and all you woman who have commented here, whether you admitted or not, know you do this. Getting even is not the answer because now youre degrading yourself. He has every right to be upset because she basically lied about her sexual past. "Implying" is another way of covering your ass should the other person finds out the truth because then her defense is "I only implied i never said i was a virgin." She coulda just said she had sex before when she was 19 and drunk. If youre gonna lie make it look reasonable. See but she lied to the extreme making herself look like a virgin. So whos to say she isnt cheating? Same thing with the woman and the cell phone. Noone is innocent. Like the other guy said. they need counseling. Its blown up. And that statistic that other guy posted is accurate. I saw on Dr Oz recently a discussion on safe sex and i remember him saying the average woman has 5 sex partners in her lifetime. This woman loves sex. And now he has to gain trust in her. They really need marriage counseling.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2010): Q1605, theres no need for the hostility but you are telling this man that 16 partners for a female is not alot. He should know the truth. And just because the statistics were based between 1999 and 2002 doesnt mean that within the past 8 years women have become sex crazed that from 4 partners now the average woman has 16 partners in their lifetime. Women dont try to compete with other women as to how many men they can get because if they did, the number would be in the hundreds of thousands. 16 is a sign of being sexually active and now the question of faithfulness comes into play. I am not defending the guy or his wife. Im being truthful and the numbers speak for itself.
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A
female
reader, girlygirl601 +, writes (25 July 2010):
Well, think this is a tad bit different considering that you were a virgin when you met her. True enough she "implied" that she was pure and didn't outright say it but implying things that aren't true is not right.
Now, it wasn't the best idea to read her diary but you can't change that. On the other hand, what is done is the dark always comes to light.
Getting even isn't the right way to handle it. The best thing to do is sit down with her and tell her how you feel. She may get mad because you read her diary but at the same time, she will hopefully understand and the two of you can put it all behind you.
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A
male
reader, MAX D  +, writes (25 July 2010):
 It is a fact of life that everyone has a past,whats past is past,you seam as if you are holding your wifs past against her,talk to her about it and sort it out otherwise it will fester in the back of your mind,if your so worried about STD go to a doctor.
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A
female
reader, Chippy2 +, writes (25 July 2010):
You spent time for assaulting a female and now you want to GET EVEN with the wife? You know what? Please get a divorce and leave her be - before you blow up and hurt her out of repressed rage.
That, or get some serious counseling. This is not a light matter and not as easy as just moving on.
I understand your pain well. And I want you and your wife to be safe. Counseling first - if you dont want that - just get the divorce. Period. Doesnt seem you see her as you did and you may never love her that way again.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2010): q1605 said "sometimes the ends justify the means."
Yeah, the means were justified just fine for her. She benefited from lying in exchange for leaving him a painful & unsolvable problem.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2010): You need to confront her. And you deserve better than her if she decieved you this much.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2010): Well
15 is kind of very high number for any one unless sex was just a fun for her. This is not a number many people will have by any standard. Well i guess, you have messed up. Now there is no way you can get even with her. And also there is no point in becoming impure just because some one else became so. So forget about you getting even with her and start fucking girls.
you have 2 options - divorce her and find a virgin match for yourself.
or forgive her and be happy with what you have got.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2010): Looks like you've been deceived pretty badly buddy. 16 guys and she said she was a virgin! Wow, she's a real pro. I'd say divorce her immediately and find someone you can trust.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (24 July 2010):
"You don't know the pain am going through"
I do know the pain. I've been there myself. It was without doubt the most painful and difficult thing I've ever had to deal with in my life. I don't believe that unless anyone has been through it themselves they really understand what it's like. It's a trap you can't escape from: the past cannot be changed. That powerlessness is unbearable.
You have a choice: do you want to stay with your wife or not?
If not, end it quick. If you have no children that makes it a lot simpler. But if you do end it, do it with love and affection.
But if you want to make it work, then forget about revenge and punishing her. Forget putting any of this on her. This is your thing that you have to deal with.
What's your choice?
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A
female
reader, Gail O  +, writes (24 July 2010):
Well, to be honest with you, you can’t really 'get even'. I do admit 16 can seem abit much, however, you are married to her. That is commitment. If you have anything to worry about, then just talk to her, try and get her to understand that this means alot to you and she may be alot more clearer in what she meant.
Good Luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2010): Q1605 i have to disagree on your comment about 16 partners not being alot. The average number of females out of 6000 admit to having 4 partners IN THEIR LIFETIME. Only 9% claim to have as many as 15. Read the report.
"A new nationwide survey, using
high-tech methods to solicit candid
answers on sexual activity and
illegal drug use, finds that 29
percent of American men report
having 15 or more female sexual
partners in a lifetime, while only 9
percent of women report having
sex with 15 or more men.
The median number of lifetime
female sexual partners for men
was seven; the median number of
male partners for women was four.
The survey, released Friday, is
based on data collected from
1999 to 2002 for the National
Center for Health Statistics, a
branch of the Centers for Disease
Control and Prevention.
In previous federal surveys on
these topics, participants were
asked questions in face-to-face
interviews. The CDC believes that
caused underreporting of
behaviors which might be viewed
negatively, although the survey
did not provide any comparative
results from earlier reports.
This time, data was gathered from
6,237 adults, aged 20 to 59, in
what are called computer-assisted
self-interviews — a method
designed to provide complete
privacy and produce more honest
answers."
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 July 2010):
 I agree with Nightfairy..
WTH do you need to get EVEN with her? If you can not handle that she had a sexual past divorce her.
You do NOT read any one's diary. You know the saying if you listen at the keyhole you are sure to hear something unflattering about yourself? Well you discovered something unflattering about your wife.
If she did indeed lie to you about her virginity then you two seriously need to talk about it.
But it is hardly criminal to have had a sexual past. This is 2010 not the year 1500.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfirst of all i was not snooping through her stuff, i happen to come across it going through some boxes, the diary was not labelled, so i opened it and read 1 page, and i am not insecure i should have the choice to be with the woman i see fit virgin or not. Clearly she lied to me why are you women always supporting such behaivor? I did things in my past that i was ashamed of but i told her everythn because i didnt want her finding out from orther people i did months in prison for assaulting a female friend. I never layed a hand on a woman again. I gave her the choice to walk away or not and i would have understood if she didnt wana be with me. I aint even going to get even with her she is not worth it. You dnt know the pain am going through
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2010): Simple, you'll get 'even' by admitting you sneaked behind her back to read her private thoughts. You owe her an apology for this first. Try to be more upfront.
Also, if you haven't got stds from her yet, then unless she is cheating on you I wouldn't worry but get checked for piece of mind. Also 16 isn't very much. In fact, it says she had enough experience that she chose you. Get even by being the best boyfriend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2010): Although i agree with the other two advisors, 16 partners is alot. I think you need some marriage counseling. Theres a trust issue here. Im not saying she is cheating on you, but i dunno how you didnt feel she wasnt a virgin when you first did it. But 16 different guys would definitely bother me and if she gets upset, so what. Anyone would get upset. One guy two maybe even three is acceptable. But its me that i love sex i havent got nowhere to 16. Dont insult her or make her feel cheap. Give her the benefit of the doubt but you need to see a counselor and settle this trust issue quickly before she finds a reason to throw something in your face and file for divorce. Them your worry wont be that she lied to you, your worry would be paying marital support and losing your house if its under your name. Women do that when they get caught in a big lie or cheating. They look for a fight then go file for divorce. Trust me on this one. I dont care what any female tells you here. They stick together. Tell a counselor or a psychiatrist what happened so if she does file, your counselor or shrink can testify in your behalf. make copies of that diary. save your ass!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2010): I think you need to look at how your marriage has been. Good? Well, then it CAN stay that way, but only if you let it. that said, I DO believe you have a right for her to come clean and explain why she didnt disclose this. Women hide their pasts all teh time. I'm tortured by stuff I found out about my GF too, but I had to let it go. I believe you deserve closure on this. Yes, it was wrong for you to snoop, but it was there. In my opinion, what she did was far worse. People marry as virgins to know that they are being faithful to God. To have that betrayed is a betrayal of something sacred not only between you, but your relationship with God (if that's the reason you both waited). Whatever it is that would put our mind at ease, I feel you deserve closure from her. But respect her feelings and that she loves you. There must be a reason she hid the truth...women are VERY conscious about being impure or unchaste. Since you were a virgin, she thought you were special, and she wanted to be special too. So she lied. Not great, but it's human nature, and she didnt intend to hurt you. Keep that in mind. Dont hurt her back or "get even", because you cant. This is a test of your love for her...it is. How you handle it will determne a lot about your character and love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2010): How do you get even? What kind of a question is that? You don't get even with people you love. She is now with you, isn't she? Except her and love her, don't hurt her by making things complicated. Although you have got the right to be angry, sit down and have a talk with her, ask her straight why she lied to you all of these years and work things out.
NightFairy
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2010): Implying = lying.
If you're marrying someone to spend your life in love with them, then you shouldn't need to run their responses to important questions through an attorney to check for loopholes.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (24 July 2010):
'She implied' is a dangerous term. Are you sure? Since you were a virgin she's naturally not going to want to talk about her past sex life, but that's very different from deception. Did she really lie to you here? Or just avoid talking about it.
You also have to drop the word 'pure'. People are not impure because they've had sex! That's a horrible word to use and is going to cause all sorts of trouble with your wife if you use it with her.
You read her diary: so you know what you have done is wrong and an invasion of her privacy. Be ready to have her very upset because of this! Which makes both of you. That's not a good recipe for conversations ahead of you...
Also, don't be absurd about STI's. You've been married 6 years! If she had something it would have shown up years ago. There's nothing to worry about at all in this regard.
Ok. Having responded to everything in you post, I'm going to give you some advice.
Men, when finding out the kind of information you just have, tend to go one of two ways. Either they shrug it off and focus on the future, or they let it take over their lives. If they let it, the rest of their lives can become a living hell. Men come to this site frequently who have spent the last 10 years or more obsessing over their wive's pasts, damaging their marriages, their families, and themselves. It can be truly terrible.
You have a choice. Do you want to be stuck in that kind of a hell? Or do you want a happy marriage? One with the woman you love. If you want that, then choose it, right now. Put away the diary and what you found in it. It only matters if you let it matter. Instead remember the 6 years of marriage you have had, and think of the positive future you can make with your wife if you choose.
That choice is up to you. Only you can make it. You are staring at a crossroads where you have a happy future or a nightmarish one.
Let the information in the diary go.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (24 July 2010):
 So your wife had a sexual past, it is hardly the end of the world. She may have implied she was 'pure', but she never lied to you outright. She may have told you that because she was ashamed of her past, or perhaps it was to massage your ego into thinking you were the first lover. You feel that your trust has been betrayed, but you have betrayed her trust too by reading a diary that was private. By all means have a check up at the doctor for STD's, but you married this woman presumably for rather more than her sexual status. Marriage is 'for better or for worse' and you just have to forget about the past. It is hardly like she had cheated on you - these past lovers were before she met you. You looked at her diary because you are feeling insecure about the relationship and feel she doesn't communicate openly with you. You need to work on communication together as a couple rather than feeling the need to check up on her.
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