A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,My wife's tidying habits leave a lot to be desired. We've been married 10 yrs and previously I let it go to young kids and caring for her mum. But now her mum is no longer here and the kids are at school full time. Examples are finishing a pack of biscuits and leaving the wrapper on the counter, never wiping down the counters, putting dirty spoons on the counter instead of the sink and I've come home at times in the evening from work to find the cereal bowls from the morning still sitting in the living room.This is mega annoying and I try to be patient and just help out, but it's ridiculous at times and I snap. I feel it sets such a bad example to our 9 and 5 yr old also.Any suggestions? She's a stay at home mum, but the house doesn't look like it. Adding some context -she doesn't find it fulfilling one bit, but she doesn't have the will power for university and doesn't fancy a minimum wage job. She is also getting over the loss of her mum some months back, but I always thought some of these things were just ingrained. I can't really afford a cleaner and think it a bit ridiculous for a SAHM to have a cleaner
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
I've had a chance to sit and walk with her and she's mentioned how she's using the next month or two to try and clear her mind and do nothing and she's using her game to keep her focus off negative things.
I understand her need to grieve and will give her the space and support over the next few months and try to remain silent.
With regards to a cleaning routine or schedule; I think the mere suggestion of it will cheese her off no end in the best of times, but thank you. I would actually appreciate it and support her. Perhaps in a few months we can decide on some duties/chores for the kids to pick up and take it from there.
Thanks for your responses.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): I am female but if I was working and supporting a stay at home mum I would want my meals made and the house spotless when I returned from work. I lost my parents at a very young age but it did not affect my ability to cook and clean. I might be very harsh but if I am paying for everything and working very long hours then I want something back in return otherwise I might just as well sit on my arse all day and look after the kids myself and just claim benefits. i do know however that depressoon leaves you unable to motivate yourself to do anything at all so it might be a good idea to take her to the doctors and see if he can prescribe some anti-depressantsbiotics or offer some councelling that might help her. I appreciate that I am being hard here but I am a great believer in each party doing their bit.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (23 April 2014):
Dear OP,
Let's look at the bigger picture here.
You are dissatisfied with coming home from work and getting the feeling you're making more of an effort than her.
She must be really sad over her loss and sounds like she's generally dissatisfied with her role as a stay-at-home-mom.
I can understand the both of you, but you can only have a better life if you start working as a team again. This means, supporting each other, understanding each other and not thinking the worst about each other.
Maybe you can help her having a more satisfying life than now.
Because I know from experience that if you are home all day, you start to procrastinate, you get bored, you get depressed. It lessens your productivity and makes you lazy and tired. Housework doesn't give you anything. It doesn't give you energy or satisfaction. It's so repetitive. It's a chore and no one says thank you if it's done properly, you only get to hear if it's not. People are more willing to do it when it's only part of their daily schedule, when there are other things, too.
If I was a fairy and I could try to make your lives feel better, I would come over and change the following 3 things for you:
1) I would make you spend more time alone with your wife, for instance by giving the children to a relative or organizing a baby sitter for one evening of the week
2) I would really try to go over her possibilites in the job market again.. maybe even a low wage job could be more fulfilling than staying at home all the time. So if I was a fairy, I'd get her a part-time job. That would also keep her away from the various screens you mentioned.
3) With the salary from her job, I'd pay for a cleaning lady
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (23 April 2014):
Dear OP,
Let's look at the bigger picture here.
You are dissatisfied with coming home from work and getting the feeling you're making more of an effort than her.
She must be really sad over her loss and sounds like she's generally dissatisfied with her role as a stay-at-home-mom.
I can understand the both of you, but you can only have a better life if you start working as a team again. This means, supporting each other, understanding each other and not thinking the worst about each other.
Maybe you can help her having a more satisfying life than now.
Because I know from experience that if you are home all day, you start to procrastinate, you get bored, you get depressed. It lessens your productivity and makes you lazy and tired. Housework doesn't give you anything. It doesn't give you energy or satisfaction. It's so repetitive. It's a chore and no one says thank you if it's done properly, you only get to hear if it's not. People are more willing to do it when it's only part of their daily schedule, when there are other things, too.
If I was a fairy and I could try to make your lives feel better, I would come over and change the following 3 things for you:
1) I would make you spend more time alone with your wife, for instance by giving the children to a relative or organizing a baby sitter for one evening of the week
2) I would really try to go over her possibilites in the job market again.. maybe even a low wage job could be more fulfilling than staying at home all the time. So if I was a fairy, I'd get her a part-time job. That would also keep her away from the various screens you mentioned.
3) With the salary from her job, I'd pay for a cleaning lady
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2014): I'm sorry, am I missing something here?
A biscuit wrapper left on a counter.
A counter not wiped down.
A cereal bowl from the morning left in the sink until evening.
I am speechless. So much for women's lib.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (23 April 2014):
 Take a few days annual leave, while the kids are at school, spend some quality time together, alone, communicate.Go out for the day,have lunch.Surprise her with this.
Find out what's bothering her, if she's depressed or mourning her mum.
You are a great husband at the end of his tether, you deserve to be listened to and for her to meet you halfway.
Good luck x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses.She has a very close knit group of friends who have recently become distant. At the mo she is v alone and I have suggested she should seek some counselling in order to air her thoughts out; whether it be grief or moving forward.I'd like to think I'm quite supportive. I'm working long hours atm but come home at night and tidy and do what I can. Her biggest craving is alone time with me at home, but we have no one the 5 yr old will go with. or even stay with so the only time we get together is at night and most nights she wants to a watch an episode of something and then it's pretty much time to leave.I've lost my dad and my gran a little while back that I lived with 20+ yrs so do have some idea of grief, but nothing close to what she had.I have no idea what she does in the day. She's recently found a game and spends most of her time on that so is fixated on the game at most times, including toilet breaks at night. This is reminiscent of some yrs back when she was v depressed but she refuses to get professional help and I can't force it on her. I've had counselling twice when I thought I wasn't working at my peak and once it was rubbish, but by the end of the 2nd one I had a new job (which I'm regretting a little now) and had benefited.She never saw herself as a SAHM n then a carer. Then she became these and I feel she lost herself a little. But with her glued to her game and just ignoring much of everything else around her and basically surviving I'm not sure what to do.Cooking is sparse as well as cleaning. She hardly spends time with the kids and the 9yr old is just glued on to various screens. I try to discuss how we can get them off screen, doing some more creative stuff (which is her forte) or something less mundane but she seems to think I'm attacking her. Though she's a SAHM it's always been me who's aken them to football/swimming/karate at weekends or evenings and she's tagged along at times.Apologies for incoherence and length. MMore thoughts are appreciated
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (22 April 2014):
 Yeah, she just lost her mom! I just lost my father, and she must be devastated! Not only that, but if she has kids ages 5 and 9, they can be whirlwinds of messiness. If I were you, I'd help her find someone to talk to to deal with the feelings of grief and loss, because if you haven't experiences the loss of your parents, you have no idea what she is going through.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 April 2014):
 A couple of things here..
a. she may be mourning her mom. I lost my mom at age 35 and it destroyed me. I'm 54 now and not a day goes by I do not miss her... A book called MOTHERLESS DAUGHTERS may help both of you.
b. she may NOT know where to start... she may need a routine. that was my biggest issue when I was a younger SAHM. I managed laundry, and food, and errands and kids but the cleaning for me was OVERWHELMING... i could NOT wrap my head around it...
there are several good plans to help women with this problem... Flylady is one...
http://www.flylady.net/ is a great plan to help you get the house clean and stay clean
another one is Side tracked home executives http://www.shesintouch.com/ THEY really helped me...
sometimes we have to be trained for Jobs.. caring for the home is one of them... in the past MOTHERS taught daughters how to do it... NOW they don't have time to do so and it's NOT instinctive to some of us....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 April 2014):
 You do need to talk WITH her, not TO her, about this.
My guess is it's a combination of depression and grief.
I don't know many people (men OR women ) who find cleaning fulfilling. It's one of those things though, that JUST have to get done.
I'm a SAHM/SAHW - all my 3 kids are in school and my husband is back to working 3-5 days a week.
I have ALWAYS (except for 5 months I was on bed-rest)taken care of the house and the kids. Not because taking care of the house make me happy, but because it NEEDS done. I have VERY rigid routines/schedule that works for me. I spend maybe 1-2 hours a day (on and off) doing the chores. But I still have PLENTY of time to be on the computer, go for a walk, and (since spring is finally here) gardening, talking to friends and family, my hobbies. I have the house to myself from 8 am-3 pm. So for ME, I get the chores done FIRST, THEN I do whatever I want. Which means I am in a neat, clean and tide home. The kids and husband comes home to a clean & tidy house.
A friend of mine uses an egg timer. She sets it for 20 minutes and speed clean. Then she take time off to do whatever she wants and then later sets the timer again. For some, THAT works too. (not for me, because I don't like to hurry, I like things done, JUST so).
Having a schedule works for some ( like me) for others it doesn't, they just do what they feel is needed. Either way it's EASY to keep on top of a household, IF you chose to do that. I'd say your wife needs to find her own routine.
I would say I do 80-90% of all the housework. My husband DO the shopping occasionally and his own laundry (he can't hit the hamper, and I REFUSE to pick up after a grown man). Other then that I do it all. And I don't mind. I would RATHER go out and work, but it hasn't been an option for years.
Sunday is my day off. I MIGHT do a load of laundry (if the kids need clothes for school Monday) I DO cook, but I don't consider that a chore. I don't (generally) clean anything on Sundays. And I CAN take a day off because I keep the house clean and neat the other 6 days a week.
Our kids have a few chores too, that they do AFTER home-work is done. In the morning it is the two oldest kids responsibility to feed the cats, and put their plate/bowl out after breakfast. I COOK breakfast, but I don't pick up after them. I don't HAVE to. They know what to do.
While cleaning/chores aren't fulfilling, having a clean house is SURELY satisfying.
If she IS depressed she ought to go see her doctor and DO something about it instead of being a couch potato. BUT that CAN be hard for people to do.
Talk to her.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (22 April 2014):
So talk to her, sit her down and ask her why she doesn't like housework.Find out if she is mourning or depressed.
If she cooks,shops does the laundry and cares for the children well - maybe that's how she sees her SAHM duties.
What does she do during the day - go out to see friends, the gym etc or sit watching TV?
If you could work out a way to share the cleaning,plus get the kids to move their own cereal bowls and keep their rooms tidy-ish,it might help
I was only a SAHM briefly but did anything to pass time from growing veg to sewing and DIY - then had to return to work - which I loved - but taught my kids I wasn't a waitress/cleaner for them. I found I got my chores done faster when working because time was limited so I just cracked on with it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2014): She's just last her mum, who she was a carer for, you offer no support and she's unfulfilled and you haven't considered that she's perhaps depressed and needs a bit of help?
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