A
male
age
51-59,
*istyisle
writes:Dear Cupid, I'm a 51 year old man, now married for 28 years. I was a 22 year old virgin when I met my wife. I had been in one long term relationship with a younger girl but we had not 'gone all the way' because we both felt that we wanted to save ourselves for the right person. When I first met my wife she was 21 and had been dating a 35 year old guy for some months, which I found rather odd, but beyond that I knew nothing of her past. When we first started dating, I was disturbed because she wanted to have sex straight away, the first night, whereas I wanted a long courtship before becoming so intimate. She cajoled and pleaded and eventually we slept together after a week or so but I experienced erectile difficulties which I attribute to my sense that sex was wrong at such an early stage in the relationship and also because I was intimidated by her quite aggressive lust. She had no understanding of this condition, presumably all her previous lovers had raging erections, and even now sometimes jokes about this condition e.g. I must have found her really unattractive, or her thinking that I was gay. Eventually things settled down to a normal sex life when my erections resumed, I became reconciled to a relationship that was not quite the fairytale romance I had dreamed of, and we were married a year later. We never discussed our previous relationships. I was too embarrassed to tell her that she was the first because my old fashioned views of sex as being precious seemed rather archaic and silly in the liberal sexual climate of the late 1970's, and also I was frightened of what I might find out if I probed her. She never volunteered much specific information. My happiness was spoiled as I found out snippets of her past. On one occasion, she had been drinking with an old friend of hers who was visiting, and it emerged that as 18/19 year old girls, they used to regularly go to a nightclub and pick up men for casual sex. I felt sick at this news and looked at her in a new light, but she dismissed my horror by saying that it was in the past, that she no longer cared for one night stands, and that she loved me now. I was a member of a mountaineering club where she frequented as a socialite before I joined and I found out that she had also slept with a number of the other members and that she had a reputation as an "easy ride". I also found out that she started having sex at 17 and had had an abortion. No longer able to bear continually bumping into her former lovers I suggested we move to another part of the country which she agreed to perhaps without realising my true motive of escape from her past. Devoid of contact with our former circle of friends, my feelings of jealousy subsided over the years and I managed to bury thoughts of her past deep down. My problem now is that twice in the last three years we have been visited by old friends from that era and something said or remembered has triggered these jealous feelings from the past which I have tried to bury. I have lain awake for long nights going over long past events, wondering who else I have known that she has slept with, re-analysing things said or done years before that led me to think she was being unfaithful. I would estimate that she slept with 50 or more men before we met and it still makes me sick to the stomach to think about it. I realise that I am not behaving rationally. She frequently says that she loves me and we have two lovely grownup daughters. I should be content with this and leave the past buried but somehow my thoughts are drawn back to her previous promiscuity like moths to a flame. Perhaps I should seek counseling for my problem. I am terrified of trying to discuss this with her because she will likely not understand my insecurity after all these years. On the few times that this subject has arisen in the past, she has been dismissive, her attitude being that there is no merit is chastity, it is ok to have many sexual partners, then there is a time to find the right person to marry, and that past behaviour should have no negative consequences for the future. I think that is is easy and convenient for her to think like this, she is not the one who saved her virginity for the right person. I however, still feel that sex should be the most intimate physical expression of love and feel tainted and sickened by her previous exploits; "just bonking" she once said, like there was nothing more to it than scratching an itch. She has given herself freely to all those men so what is there special left for me?Please help me with my course of action, should I confront her about this now and risk unsettling my marriage, should I seek professional advice, or should I just try to bury my feelings as before and avoid seeing anyone I know from that past era.thank you.
View related questions:
abortion, erection, her past, jealous, one night stand, sex life Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): I joined this site because I wanted to respond to your post. My husband and I have been married over 13 years and we have three beautiful children but we are struggling with the same issue as you've outlined here. I was never a party girl or a slut. Before we met, I had 3 serious, long term (2-3 year) relationships and 2 short-term boyfriends with whom I was sexually intimate (from when I was 18 to 26). I was honest and up front with my husband about these relationships from the very beginning. I thought that was the right thing to do to not have secrets about my past. I love my husband and I honestly never think about anyone in a sexual way except him. But for him, our intimacy is forever compromised by my past. To him, our intimacy is tainted because he was not my first or only lover. I am amazed and so sad that these past relationships of mine are still haunting him, even after many years of marriage where I have never so much as looked at another man. It causes him so much pain and it never seems to get better. He gets angry that I don't understand. I do try to understand but I also get frustrated that this issue won't go away after all these years. I really would do anything to make these feelings of his go away and be able to move on with our lives. I am sad for those who also struggle with this same problem. If there is a way for us to overcome this I would like to hear it. He is a good man, an excellent provider and father and a tender caring lover. I just want us to be happy.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): I have a similar problem. Married 7 years. Found out two years ago she had been with 31 men to my 5 women & two abortions. If I had known when dating I would have dropped her like a hot coal.
People should have compatible values and pasts. People with strong sexual morals should not pair up with people with poor sexual morals. Even if the promiscuous partner matures and commits to marriage and remains faithful its damaging to their partner to know they are with used goods.
Its really insane how a woman can open her body up to so many men so casually. Her most intimate self. Like making her body a public restroom for the ejaculate of horny men. Its sick stuff! Not to mention all the diseases out there.
I'm seeing a pattern though on the web, by my own experience and other men I know. That is the more traditional, conservative men (provider types) tend to get married to women who in their single days were more promiscuous than their husbands or who were outright sluts. They basically have to lie about their sexual pasts otherwise no man except a male slut would consider marrying them.
I also see most male sluts never mature into good providers because they are essentially too self centered and at their core do not trust women.
...............................
A
male
reader, rproctor  +, writes (7 October 2008):
I would like to make a few comments that might help to ease your mind.
Remember that there are many other people who deal with the same situation as you. Maybe you can find some solace knowing that you are not alone. I for one, am in the same boat as you.
Remember too, that her past is only a memory. Its not real in this moment, and it is only as real and as important as you make it to out to be.
Also, you should realize that you probably think about her past much more than she does. Her past lovers are not even a blip on her radar, it is very doubtful that she harbors any feelings for the people in her past, and she would probably not want anything to do with them today.
Your wife is not a prize, nor an object, she is a human, a sexual human, who is your soul mate and partner. She is not your object, or yours to own or control. She has a right to live life just as much as you or the next person.
Her past is no indication of her cheating on you.
The more you focus on her past, the worse it will become. And the more you try to find out, the more you will focus on it. The best solution, like others have said, is not to even think about it.
If you truly love your wife, you will find a way to make peace with her past and move on from this trouble.
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve + ♥, writes (7 October 2008):
 I understand where you're coming from. Most men want "their woman" to be chaste and untouched when they meet and marry them and the thought of someone else being with someone we love sexually can eat us up. You are beating yourself up over this for nothing! You need to ask yourself: What is all this going to achieve? Will it make you feel better after worrying for hours, weeks, months on end? No! Everything will still be the same. You say you have been trying to analyse the situation more than emotionalising it. Did you ever stop to think WHY she sought this closeness with other men? Could it be she didn't get the love and attention she needed when she was a child? You normally find people who are very promiscuous are lacking love and attention from other areas of their lives and I'm sure if you were to delve deeper you'd see there was an underlying problem she was maybe subconsiously harbouring that even she was unaware of at the time.
Your jealousy - Feelings such as jealousy are based on fear and do not come from love at all, we say we feel like this BECAUSE we love the person but this isn't the case at all. Jealousy comes from wanting to possess and wanting to own or have. One cannot own another being or even the mind of another being. One being cannot live for another. Remember that FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. Fear immobilizes and makes it virtually impossible for people to think effectively because it bypasses the pre frontal cortex and goes directly to your right brain emotional center and is thus not even analyzed first!
Feelings such as guilt and worry are in the same category. See what benefits you could possibly derive from sitting in your favourite chair and contemplating as well as experiencing these feelings intensely for a few hours? None of course because they do not deliver any benefit other than getting you into an even greater state of fear. So you see, that jealousy, guilt, fear and worry all belong in the trash bin because they do not deliver any benefit whatsoever. Love on the other hand will get you to understand and be less fearful. This in turn will make it possible for you to experience joy and bliss.
So forget about the past, it's exactly that... THE PAST! You have a wonderful wife and family. She's remained 100% faithful to you over the years. Doesn't that let you see she is happy at last and has the true love and attention she'd sought all these years ago? Look at all the positives instead of the negatives. She's a great mother, generous, cheerful, LOYAL and loving. Don't throw all that away by digging up superficial dirt about her and I'm sure deep down she's ashamed of her past too.
I wish you both much joy and happiness for the future. Embrace it!
~Eve~
...............................
A
male
reader, Mistyisle +, writes (7 October 2008):
Mistyisle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to both of you for your support and advice. It is reassuring to know that other people feel as I do. My current spate of turmoil is starting to subside and I am starting to view my wife's past in a more analytical and less emotional way. When I experience these bouts of jealousy, brought on twice recently by meeting and talking to people that she and I have known from her promiscuous past, I feel like Prometheus from Greek Mythology, doomed to have my liver devoured every day. While the pain is easing now, I'm certain that it is only a temporary relief if I don't do something to confront the past in some way. Something that I didn't emphasise enough in my original post: I really love her and she is a great companion. I was first attracted to her because she was and still is very generous and cheerful. It is so unfortunate for me that her generosity included giving herself totally to many men. I should have been more honest all those years ago and told her that I was a virgin, confessed my prudish views on sex and how it upset me to think of her with those other lovers but I didn't know anyone else who was proud of being a virgin and most people I knew were jumping in and out of beds like rabbits as if that were perfectly normal and acceptable behaviour. Perhaps if we had bared our souls all those years ago then I could have got over the whole truth about her history whereas I now have to deal with half truths and suspicions. Even now she tries, probably unconciously, to cover up her past. Maybe she knows a little of how much it still upsets men. While watching a TV soap or film where the actors are being promiscuous she will make comments like " oh what a trollop" when I want to burst out "but that is exactly what you were like before we met!" There was one period in the past when I experienced very destructive jealousy. We were living together, not yet married, and she was going to California for a year to be an au pair. This had all been arranged before we met and she was excited at the adventure and in no mood to change her plans because of her romance with me. I didn't pressure her in any way to cancel this. She had been on the contraceptive pill for an undisclosed time but probably years, she had been having sex since 17 and was now nearly 22. She first said that a break from the pill would be good and that this would be a good opportunity. Later she said that she would stay on the pill and went to see the doctor for a years supply to take with her. I confronted her about this and asked her what would be the point if she planned to be faithful to me. She replied that, well I might come to see her to visit, and we did discuss the possibility once. Deep down I was convinced that she would not be saying no to sex if she found a guy that was attractive enough, with me out of the picture thousands of miles away. In the following months I almost left her a number of times but our relationship did survive. She later assured me that she had been faithful but I still believe that she wanted to keep her options open with me out of the way. One thing that I did when she was away that I am somewhat ashamed of was to look at all her old diaries, pictures and papers to try and piece together her sexual history. Later when we moved house, all the material relating to former lovers disappeared as if she was covering the tracks. Thanks again for the input, I have rambled on enough now but it is good just to get this stuff off my chest.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2008): I know EXACTLY how you feel. I'm half your age but also feel that sex is something very special and you should wait for marriage. This was a very hard outlook because I was literally the only one I knew who felt like this. I wasn't into church or anything, it was just how I always felt.So I had sex with my first serious gf at age 20 and it wasn't very special like I had hoped. She had been around the block a lot and after 3 years we ended it. A year later I met a girl I thought I was going to marry and 3 years after that started, it ended last year. Through both of these relationships I felt the exact same way you feel now. I did feel better over time but some things would come up that would remind me of the past and I would flip out about it. Once you open Pandora's box and start finding out details, you *have* to look at everything inside. It really didn't help that my ex-girlfriends got defensive and weren't understanding at all about how I felt. I wanted to deal with the issues I had but they made me feel scared to talk to them about it. The thing that made me feel way better was that once I did get through to my last gf, I found that she felt the same way about life that I did and she had just made mistakes. This made me feel SO much better because I knew I wasn't crazy. It sounds like your wife doesn't even have the same outlook as you so this makes it more difficult. After I broke up with my last gf, I realized that everyone around me was being promiscuous so I gave up on trying to find a virgin and became casual myself about sex to try and get over the fact that I would never find someone who felt sex was special. I was "only" with 2 people but it made me realize that that was not who I was. And ultimately I feel dirty and regretful of how I acted, which I knew I would.I am now in another relationship with the girl I want to marry, she is my age and still a virgin. She is a really strong and beautiful person but now the tables are reversed. I feel so guilty about my own past that it haunts me every day. The girl I want to marry is from another country where virginity is still valued and this made it way easier for her to remain a virgin. We still have not yet had sex and I plan on doing things right this time by waiting until marriage.I want to tell her about my past but I'm not going to say anything unless she asks me specifics like I had to (and was scared to). I really want to tell her but the only purpose would be to alleviate my own guilt. Right now I hate myself every day for what I've done. I really feel alone in this and maybe I should tell her but I'm scared she wouldn't want me anymore because I might not. Read the articles here on jealousy:http://www.andtheylivedhappilyeverafter.com/My advice would be to talk about every last detail with your wife so that you are no longer scared about what you might find out. Once you know everything then you can start to forget about it. You're not alone, I still wish we were both virgins. You feel cheated and who wouldn't? If your wife makes you happy in every other way and shares the same outlook on life that you do, then stick with it because there will always be something in a relationship to bother you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Manya +, writes (2 October 2008):
Dear Mististyle,
I think perhaps you are going through a kind of a mid-life crisis, wherein one reviews ones past decisions and the road taken. However, I hope you will eventually come out on the "up" side and realize, that if she's been faithful to you all these years, then you can be forgiving of what you feel were trespasses, i.e., promiscuities, of the past.
The '70's were a crazy time, when children of '50s style parents didn't know what to do, and the attitude of the hippie culture was more like, sleep with the person, then decide after whether you want to have a relationship with them. Like you, i never felt comfortable with that attitude, but i had a friend who, in college, said she slept with so many men that she couldn't tell the difference between them and was beginning to feel like a slut! I was horrified, but then she got married, had kids, and has had an astonishing career and healthy, happy family life! I think you should chalk your wife's past behavior up to the milieu of the times, and try to find a way back to her. I'm sure that part of the reason she loves you is because of your belief in sex being an expression of intimate love.
Best of luck,
Manya
...............................
|
