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My wife's paranoia is driving me mad!

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 June 2008) 8 Answers - (Newest, 23 June 2010)
A male United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I have been married for three years and dated my wife for 10 years before that. I have never cheated on her or even come close. Even when we did the long distance relationship thing for several years, I never so much as talked to another woman as a potential girlfriend. Still, my wife is paranoid and is constantly checking my phone and computer. She gets angry if I glance at a waitress or at a person walking by that is a female. She will find things like a bikini website in my internet history and she won't talk to me for days. Admittedly, I have had used pornography in the past but I have stopped because I know it upsets her. I do occasionally slip up and look at it, especially when things are rocky between us. I am sure there are occasions where my eyes wander when we are out at dinner or the club. I am not perfect, but I don't feel like I am being treated right.

How do I bring up this topic with my wife without her jumping all over me for the little things I do? What should I do?

Thanks for your help

View related questions: long distance, porn

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A female reader, Sincerely Yours United States +, writes (23 June 2010):

Sincerely Yours agony auntHoly crap, wife...

Will you write my due paper for me, please?

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (23 June 2010):

Miamine agony auntStop this competition thing.. in competitions there are always winners and loosers, and in your relationship and the relationship with internet strangers it is impossible to set the rules of the game in formal language which everyone can understand..

Who care's about what he wants you to be. You and him weren't born together, you came into this world, naked and alone, and you will go out this world, exactly the same way.

As long as you twist yourself into knots trying to make this man (or any man, woman or child) love you for what you are not, you will be unhappy. As long as you judge yourself against others and see a comptetion in this game of life, you will always loose, you will continue to be unhappy.

There is no game, there is no comptetion, no one is trying to make you feel bad or steal your man away.. that's all in your head, that's your own judgemental voice giving you headache.

What you have is a simple time management problem. I'm assuming you love the guy, and the guy loves you. I'm also assuming that you have in the past spent quality time together. I'm also assuming that you both are motivated enough to find yourself individual seperate hobbies.

Now what you do is a simple diary, or a circle of hours in the week. You should put down time for work, time for cleaning house, shopping, time for seeing friends and family, time for individual hobbies, time for individual space alone (including internet use), time for intellectual persuits, time for sports.. ... blah, blah, you get the picture...

Now juggle that time table arround until there is space for man, woman and relationship... make a firm commitment to spend some hours in the week together. This could be 10mins every day, or 5 hours on a Friday night... I don't care, just schedule in some special time for you and him to be together.

Then make it a firm commitment, something that you will both hold sacred, a special time to enjoy each other's company, to go out, to have sex, to argue, paint, stand on your heads.. again, I don't care.. As long as you are together with no one else involved, and it's a agreed commitment which you both take seriously and rearrange your normal habits for.

If you can't find time to spend together having fun, then only one question left.. What is the point of this relationship?

Show him this page, and I think you two need to have a long talk about where this relationship is going, if you never spend quality time with each other.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (23 June 2010):

Miamine agony auntWow.. did it really take you 2 years to find this post and answer it?

Are you and your husband still having problems.. 2 years is a long time to spend unhappy, angry and jealous.

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A female reader, that_wife United States +, writes (23 June 2010):

I do feel insecure. And not. And I'm not going to get any satisfaction from going elsewhere to prove it. I love him.

Here is my beef. He spends alot of time on the net. Did he go to porn sites before, yes. I accepted and accept that. He was always free of talking to me about what he did openly. His past gfs, etc. That was a bonus as many chicks can't handle that. I find it arousing that he was able to talk to me that way.

The problem we have is a time issue. He spends all day on the computer. Whether it's a bad day, or some activism, he helps and finds great reward in that. But the balance.

He talks about the things he wants to do "One day" but does nothing to engage in socializing or talking. Except the latest news that he reads.

I feel he spends more time with others in social circles than in his relationship with his wife. When he does surface from the computer room, he is mentally somewhere else. I feel his mind is on a driving issue from one of many forums, and he doesn't even hear my words. He gets angry. He tells me I make no sense when I talk about something else. I don't expect to be friends with everyone he knows. I am so secure that I go away because I don't want to be called jealous. He says he needs time away to find what normal is. And it makes me mad and sad, because we don't explore anything together. I feel like his ball and chain. I thought I was going with on this journey.

We used to read books together and share our knowledge. We used to talk all day on the net. OK so the honeymoon is over. I don't expect all day attention. Then why do you do the same thing with others, all day? When you look forward to seeing the exchange of knowledge from others first thing in the morning,

I play with him to troll a bit recently. That makes him mad.

Yeah I do feel jealous in a certain way. Because is life is to be explored. He has gone online and with such great technology, has looked up all old friends. Including gfs. That's fine. And he likes stimulation with others, working together. Everyone does. We are social animals. Where is our today? If you derive more pleasure in the past, then where does our future fit in?

But I Have suffered from social exclusion. Netwise. Growth of activism. We do nothing together. We have not spent an entire day together in a long tome. I feel the pang when he will rush to help another when we could have been walking out the door to do something - because he is running off to post live on chat, etc.-- because the desire to do that will often preside. That hurts. He has a role. It brings admiration and reward to help others.

We don't work together on anything anymore. There are smart people on the net. He gets everything he wants, from others who are ready to help online. In a way this is like a polymorphic relationship that he cannot cognite to, and gets angry when I try to talk about sharing. This is not fair.

A few weeks back he was on a sex chat in our bedroom. This is a spiritual blow to me. I feel that he was looking into someone elses eyes and finding the passion that I so longed.

We had and still have that. But less when there is no social intercourse between us to build up the moment. I like to work hard and play hard. And explore our growing relationship. I went off the net almost completely. I do not get insane. I get active with my life. And have all but let him go to let him be happy.

He feels I have conditioned him and reacts because of the eggshells. With so many moments like that, I feel he is giving me the suggestion that I make him feel guilty for speaking up to get some time together.

The net is tantalizing. But it lessens the feel, the vibration, of our relationship. He gets mad when IO talk about social circles on the net, or does not understand. I am much into social anthropology and relationships between people. And have watched many net splits, and held my own.

He doesn't understand what it means when I talk about his participation with other groups on the net. OK so you do this or that. You help out where you can. So after that, its another forum or another. He gets more attention from that than I can possibly give. And he has verbalized that to a certain extent. When he asked why I do not masturbate in front of him, I told him that I wished he had said it in a different way instead of making me feel like someone else can do it better. Because I would like to. Psychologically, I will always be one-upped to someone who can do it better. It's immature to suggest that I am not sexually mature, when my exploration is a spiritual part of my being. Because then you do not allow a person to grow. Only feel lower than another. I like encouragement. I succeed with that, and love to motivate others. I can't compete with others who he can get it form quicker.

I'd rather he helped me to do this in front of him, as I would without the anger as if I should be like a flick on the net, making me feel like I wasn't as good as he wanted me to be.

And I love him. sorry for rambling.

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A male reader, Collaroy Australia +, writes (19 June 2008):

Collaroy agony auntHi,

I believe relationships should never involve one partner having to constantly reassure the other that they are being faithful. Unless of course they have genuine cause for this concern.

This is her problem and she needs to address it with your help. You shouldnt have to be constantly looking over your shoulder worrying whether your wife is going to misinterpret a quick glance at a pretty girl as a sing of impending infedility. It is unhealthy and counterproductive. Moreover, her real problem of low self esteem is not being addressed.

Eventually she will probably drive you away and end up on her own if she carries on. But if you can her to understand that she needs counselling to address her jealously issues then at least you can make the first step.

This is no way to live your life mate, we all appreciate beauty ( my wife is the biggest perve on this planet!) but in a healthy relationship it is something positive not something which leads into a huge fight ( I'm not talkiing about learing at women here - that's different )

So for her own sake get her some professional help, it cant be doing her any good to feel like this, she needs to bring these low self esteem issues out into the open so they can be addressed.

Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008):

I believe that eddie and Diovan are both correct. To keep her happy, you will have to give in to everything that she wants. The problem is that after you do this she will find something else to be bothered by. This is how a person with very low self-esteem thinks. As Diovan said, the only way to solve this issue is for her to work to be able to believe in herself enough so that she has the confidence to believe that you love her and that you are just being human whan you look at another women.

Even if you don't look at that waitress, but you look at the yummy meal that she is carrying to the next table, you can bet that your wife will still accuse you of looking at the waitress. She has a very serious problem of low self-esteem. The only way to help her is to try to discover why she feels as she does. Did something happen to her before you that makes her feel that way? Did somebody before you cheat on her and dump her? Did she have a previous husband who watched porn to the extent that he never gave her love, affection or loving sex? These types of things can ruin a person's self-esteem. Ther must be something that happened in her life that makes her afraid of you even glancing at another woman. You have to talk to her to find out why and help her to understand that she is not in that situation any more.

I have never had to deal with this, so I don't know how to solve it, except for the suggestion that I gave. She seems to be a relatively extreem case of this from what I read on this board. There are others who are the same, so you are not alone. The way that my wife and I solved our lack of confidence after our divorces was to date others until we discovered that we were attractive to others, both sexually and as desirable individuals. Unfortunately, this is not an option for your wife at this point.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008):

Make sure you give up pornography and staring at any other women to make sure that she dosn't have these reasons to feel jealous. Reassure her you love her, find her beautiful and couldn't imagine spending your life with anybody else. There is nothing else you can do. The insecurity is her problem and once she has more self-esteem and confidence in herself she will relax. Unfortunately this is something you can't give her, this is something she must find for herself.

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (19 June 2008):

eddie agony auntYou can't make someone not jealous unless you give into their demands. the, they are actually still jealous, just at peace for the moment. Every time a person gives i to the jealousy of another individual, it only solidifies the jealous person's stance. They feel as though you have seen their way as the "correct" way. Jealous people need to be reasoned with if possible. If that does not work, they must be stopped in their tracks. You can never prove you didn't do something. Do you see. She can accuse you of anything she feels and you can not prove her wrong. Jealousy is about control. The jealous person feels thy can keep things favorable as long as they control the partner. If they only knew they were actually doing the opposite.

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