A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for three years and dated my wife for 10 years before that. I have never cheated on her or even come close. Even when we did the long distance relationship thing for several years, I never so much as talked to another woman as a potential girlfriend. Still, my wife is paranoid and is constantly checking my phone and computer. She gets angry if I glance at a waitress or at a person walking by that is a female. She will find things like a bikini website in my internet history and she won't talk to me for days. Admittedly, I have had used pornography in the past but I have stopped because I know it upsets her. I do occasionally slip up and look at it, especially when things are rocky between us. I am sure there are occasions where my eyes wander when we are out at dinner or the club. I am not perfect, but I don't feel like I am being treated right. How do I bring up this topic with my wife without her jumping all over me for the little things I do? What should I do? Thanks for your help
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male
reader, Collaroy  + ♥, writes (19 June 2008):
 Hi,
I believe relationships should never involve one partner having to constantly reassure the other that they are being faithful. Unless of course they have genuine cause for this concern.
This is her problem and she needs to address it with your help. You shouldnt have to be constantly looking over your shoulder worrying whether your wife is going to misinterpret a quick glance at a pretty girl as a sing of impending infedility. It is unhealthy and counterproductive. Moreover, her real problem of low self esteem is not being addressed.
Eventually she will probably drive you away and end up on her own if she carries on. But if you can her to understand that she needs counselling to address her jealously issues then at least you can make the first step.
This is no way to live your life mate, we all appreciate beauty ( my wife is the biggest perve on this planet!) but in a healthy relationship it is something positive not something which leads into a huge fight ( I'm not talkiing about learing at women here - that's different )
So for her own sake get her some professional help, it cant be doing her any good to feel like this, she needs to bring these low self esteem issues out into the open so they can be addressed.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, troubledtoomuch  + ♥, writes (19 June 2008):
 I believe that eddie and Diovan are both correct. To keep her happy, you will have to give in to everything that she wants. The problem is that after you do this she will find something else to be bothered by. This is how a person with very low self-esteem thinks. As Diovan said, the only way to solve this issue is for her to work to be able to believe in herself enough so that she has the confidence to believe that you love her and that you are just being human whan you look at another women.
Even if you don't look at that waitress, but you look at the yummy meal that she is carrying to the next table, you can bet that your wife will still accuse you of looking at the waitress. She has a very serious problem of low self-esteem. The only way to help her is to try to discover why she feels as she does. Did something happen to her before you that makes her feel that way? Did somebody before you cheat on her and dump her? Did she have a previous husband who watched porn to the extent that he never gave her love, affection or loving sex? These types of things can ruin a person's self-esteem. Ther must be something that happened in her life that makes her afraid of you even glancing at another woman. You have to talk to her to find out why and help her to understand that she is not in that situation any more.
I have never had to deal with this, so I don't know how to solve it, except for the suggestion that I gave. She seems to be a relatively extreem case of this from what I read on this board. There are others who are the same, so you are not alone. The way that my wife and I solved our lack of confidence after our divorces was to date others until we discovered that we were attractive to others, both sexually and as desirable individuals. Unfortunately, this is not an option for your wife at this point.
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A
female
reader, DiovanLestat + ♥, writes (19 June 2008):
 Make sure you give up pornography and staring at any other women to make sure that she dosn't have these reasons to feel jealous. Reassure her you love her, find her beautiful and couldn't imagine spending your life with anybody else. There is nothing else you can do. The insecurity is her problem and once she has more self-esteem and confidence in herself she will relax. Unfortunately this is something you can't give her, this is something she must find for herself.
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A
male
reader, eddie  + ♥, writes (19 June 2008):
 You can't make someone not jealous unless you give into their demands. the, they are actually still jealous, just at peace for the moment. Every time a person gives i to the jealousy of another individual, it only solidifies the jealous person's stance. They feel as though you have seen their way as the "correct" way. Jealous people need to be reasoned with if possible. If that does not work, they must be stopped in their tracks. You can never prove you didn't do something. Do you see. She can accuse you of anything she feels and you can not prove her wrong. Jealousy is about control. The jealous person feels thy can keep things favorable as long as they control the partner. If they only knew they were actually doing the opposite.
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