A
male
age
51-59,
*amatha
writes:I am sorry if this is an old issue - I have looked over previous thread but everyone is unique eh? Two years ago I married my wife who is considered by all who meet her, male and female, to be a particularly attractive and 'sexy' woman. Last year we had a lovely baby boy and apart from some issues around finances that are being addressed, we have a great marriage.A great marriage apart from the fact that my libido is around 90% and hers is 30%. Clearly worse after having our baby. But PLEASE don't think that has not been factored into my question. Of course it has but having spoken about this to her its not the main issue.Might be easier if I tell you what her take on this is. She says:Its NOT that she doesn't find me attractive.Its NOT that she doesn't want or enjoy sexIts NOT what we do or don't do.....The problem is this, we just don't have anything like the sex life we used to have. From twice a day to once or twice a month now. My libido is the same as it was so I am REALLY struggling with this now.It is me? Do I have to change? Drink Bromide...? What?I am plagued with thoughts of inadequacy and feelings that it MUST be me that is the problem, what else could it be? I keep thinking that she would be all over another man if she could...it has to be me and that she simply doesn't find me sexually attractive anymore. That really hurts and scares me in terms of the future of our relationship!She has stated in the past that I go on too much about it. So I tried not talking about it for weeks. Guess what, we didn't have sex for weeks.I have tried waiting for her to take the initiative...again, when she does it feels contrived and I feel she is only doing it as she feels she should.I am at a loss now and seriously thinking of getting some help re this as clearly there is something wrong.What am I doing wrong? Thanks for all your advice!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2014): If she has not already I would recommend a hormone level check. Saliva ones are best and can show different levels of hormones. Low levels of certain types can impact negatively on your libido - this may be due to recently having a baby or, depending on your wife's age, could be other factors. I am 42 and my hormone levels have changed dramatically in the last 5 years for example and I don't have the sex drive I did in my 20s or 30s. I have accepted I am in peri-menopause - the years before menopause which can last up to a decade and everyone goes through gradually. One of the worst things is vaginal dryness / discomfort. Its very upsetting for a woman and the idea of sex can be 'dread' and 'avoid'. I know it sounds old hat but having a holiday in the sun can really boost those feelings of relaxation and natural pleasure - how about getting some winter sun?? Thyroid issues is another factor to consider. Any trauma experienced during a birth or tiredness and resentment can make a difference mentally. I do know how you feel though because my boyfriend did not initiate sex due to stress and I turned onto myself as the cause just could not help but decide it must be due to me. I hope, with support and encouragement, you can find a happy balance.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (20 October 2014):
What are you doing wrong? Probably one of the biggest problems in your sex life is the fact that you seem intent on blaming yourself for this. You should be kinder to yourself. The reality of having a baby, is that amazing as they are, they’re pretty hard work. You don’t have the sex life you used to because she’s probably tired. You’re probably working hard. Life gets in the way. If you then unintentionally pressure her, that’s going to make everything worse, and if she knows you’re blaming yourself and feeling like you are somehow inadequate, she’s going to feel the pressure and guilt, and so a vicious cycle perpetuates itself.
There are a couple of things to think about here. Firstly, your changed sex life is a reflection of your changed circumstances. I expect you are both feeling vulnerable at the moment and so you would both benefit not from you blaming yourself, or her trying to pretend she’s in the mood, but for getting a babysitter if you can, but even if not, making time for each other. Do something out of your routine: go for dinner, go out to a favourite place you haven’t visited in a while, anything to break the routine. Tell her how much she means to you and how much she is appreciated, and let her do the same for you. Have an honest conversation: acknowledge that you don’t have as much sex as before but see if you can compromise on when you will have sex. Don’t place all the expectations on the sex itself: enjoy foreplay, kissing and just being physically close to each other. It can be the case that a couple both get so worked up by issues in their sex life they actually forget communicating to each other what they like and what feels good, and it becomes an all or nothing thing. Remember this isn’t about trying to match her sex drive with yours: crude though it sounds, you may need to take care of yourself some of the time. However it is about relearning how to communicate about sex in a way that involves compromises, effort and understanding on both parts, and a move away from a cycle of the way you communicate making each of you feel somehow to blame. It does require an honest conversation, which you can best start by not only figuring out how you will express the problem to her (I suspect she gets it), but what you can do differently as a first suggestion to make sure she doesn’t feel it’s a one-way criticism, and so that she will get more comfortable to talk about this. Try to remember that however much she says it’s not about having a baby, a baby is pretty exhausting. It sounds from your post like you have been very understanding, and that’s a great place to start. I hope it works out.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2014): Is she still nursing the baby? If she is, this can affect her libido.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (20 October 2014):
 We had two kids and both times it was many months until things got back to "normal" a woman's body goes through a huge change during and after pregnancy. you just need to be supportive and jovial. Help as much as possible. Give her space and time will heal all wounds. I'm nt saying it'll return to normal as in the way it was before because that will never happen. You are now in the twilight years with respect to sex. It will never be the same again. like I said, it was a huge change. Good Luck.
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