A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I left home 4 months ago after finding out my wife was cheating with some unemployed junkie we hired to do yard work. I busted my butt making a living so she can stay home even thouhgh our daughter is in school now. Instead of sorry she tried to blame me. I made it clear I would support my child and provide what she needs but my wifes cushy life is over. I told her I'll pay half the bills until the divorce is done but that's all shell get from me. No more nail and beauty salon or shopping trips or eating out unless she pays for it herself. I left enough in the bank to cover her portion of household bills for at least 6 months and made it clear I wouldn't be giving her a penny until a judge ordered me to. I told her to get a job cause her free ride is over and agreed to pay all childcare costs for a year so she couldn't use my daughter as an excuse not to work. She hasn't found work, is dodgeing my attorney, and behind on bills. The electricty has been shut off and she expects me to pay the bill which is 3 months overdue. I'm not letting my daughter suffer because of her mother, nor am I going to pay up. Would it be wrong of me to bring my daughter home with me and leave her mother in the dark?
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female
reader, like I see it +, writes (23 March 2015):
 I'm very sorry to hear that you are going through this. To the excellent advice that has already been given, I would add a few things to consider.
I'm not a lawyer, and I don't know whether you live in a "fault" or "no-fault" state as far as divorce is concerned (i.e whether or not a judge will consider your wife's adultery when deciding on a settlement) but be aware that having left the marital home opens you up to the accusation from your wife (and her attorney, if she retains one) that you abandoned the family. Separate residences is something she can easily hold up as evidence and you in turn would need concrete proof of the affair to explain your departure. You may well have such proof; it just isn't clear from your initial post.
Since she has gotten used to not working, I'd also prepare for the possibility that she will try to win primary custody of your child so that she can collect more financial support from you. Leaving the marital home (and your child in it) also gives her ammunition in any potential dispute over custody and child support, because she can argue that she has been the primary caregiver and that your interaction and interest in your child's well-being has been limited. I am not saying ANY of this is true, but realize that your soon-to-be-ex will be desperate and may argue anything she believes will help her hang on to the lifestyle she currently enjoys.
I would talk to the attorney you have retained, not only about your legal options for bringing your child home with you, but also about getting your ducks in a row as far as evidence of your wife's cheating and of her association with someone who does drugs, which would be an excellent counter to any argument she might make in her own favor for custody. Someone mentioned recorded conversations about the money you gave her - to that I'd add, if your state allows recording with one party's consent, try to get her on tape acknowledging that she cheated and that her affair partner used drugs. Get creative. It could be as simple as "Why should I give you any more money after you cheated on me with that ______ addict?", and if she comes back and argues that the money is for your child and not for her without arguing about the particulars of your original statement...that looks bad for her. Or purposely accuse her of a different sex act/her partner of doing different drugs than you believe took place and see if she corrects you. And so on.
In the meantime, consider buying them food and paying the utility bills yourself as opposed to just giving your wife the money to do these things. This way you can make sure your child is provided for while eliminating your wife's ability to spend the money you give her on things for herself. Save the receipts, statements, and so on in case you need to point to them later.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes for better things in the future!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2015): There is a very simple principle which you need to absolutely live and breathe right now: It didn't happen unless you have a paper trail to prove it.
This goes for the amounts you gave, the dates, the intended usage, the conditions that she supposedly agreed to, etc. Get outside witnesses to any interactions that have even the slightest chance of becoming a scene. If she shows even a hint of willingness to make you look bad then start doing all your meetings with her only in public.
Talk to a good divorce lawyer now. Don't wait until she starts trying to raid your money & rack up debt.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 March 2015):
 First of all, I'm really sorry about what happened with your wife. Cheating is a devastating thing to a marriage, and my heart breaks for you not only that the one person you trusted in all the world betrayed you so cruelly, but then took it a step farther and blamed you for her reprehensible and morally bankrupt behavior. I know that in the future this long storm you're in the middle of will tempt you to become bitter and jaded. Take heart - there are still loyal and good partners out there when the time comes, so protect yourself from becoming bitter. You will get pure vindication by your future happiness and joy because YOU didn't commit the act. You can walk with integrity.
So, I'm going to advise you as a pragmatist, because until you deal with the courts, you can resolve what you will or won't pay until the sun comes up, but in the end, if you're in a "no fault" state, she's going to own half of the marital assets, and possibly more if you make any emotionally reckless decisions. In case you haven't been listening, that means your 401(k), your investments, your stocks, bonds, material possessions, etc. She also must assume half of the debts as well, so you had best be getting ahead of her and INITIATING the court actions, not waiting around for her to do it or putting off things so she can rack up both debt (like the electricity bills which are under both of your names AND credit, which reports to Experion or Transunion, depending on which company it is). Monitor your credit BIG TIME.
Have you gotten a legal separation yet??? You'd better, so her actions now aren't putting you on the hook for them. INITIATE the custody decisions, because what you said here:
"I left enough in the bank to cover her portion of household bills for at least 6 months and made it clear I wouldn't be giving her a penny until a judge ordered me to. "
Makes me nervous. You should document what you've left, what you've said, what she's said. If you're in a state that deals with recorded conversations, NOW is the time to start recording them so that you can have your wife's promises and behavior documented.
Do not WAIT until a judge orders something. GET THE BALL ROLLING and speed up the time for the judge to start ordering. The sooner you can initiate the divorce and sue for custody, the sooner it finalizes and you can get on with your happiness.
Do not concern yourself with your wife's life. She's to be your ex-wife, so what she does as in nail salons and stuff....you shouldn't care about, which means when her bills go behind as well. You're still thinking like a married man and she's still treating you like a meal ticket and manipulating you using her daughter. Let the power go off and document her competancy for caring for her. You gave her 6 months of finances, which is a good move on your part. If the judge finds her unfit, she could be awarding you full custody, so no more money to her. Get a judge order for child support before settling upon your own figure. It'll be easy to be magnanimous, but she could take advantage. Remember, SHE needs to support her daughter as well.
Talk to your lawyer about advice on what he believes the court will order from you and what actions you take (i.e. paying a bill or voluntary child support in whatever amount) will affect a court ruling. Remember, a judge will SEE what you can live with paying and possibly use it against you. Do everything with your lawyer's advice and not what you think she deserves or doesn't. Remember, she and her actions and choices on what she spends on doesn't matter anymore unless it endangers your child. Then, you sue for custody.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2015): You better not do a thing regarding your child; until you seek legal-advice and go through legal channels. You can traumatize and scar the child doing anything drastic and scary.
You can't just leave, and arbitrarily cut-off all her financial-support; while leaving her alone with a child. That's abandonment.
You had better do it by the book, or your child could be taken by child-protection authorities. You're acting on your anger; and it doesn't matter if she's ducking your attorney. You still have legal-rights, there are laws, and you're still married. If you want a custody-battle, add it to your case; but do not punish the child in the process of getting back at your cheating spouse.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 March 2015):
 Yes, CONSULT your lawyer.
I think you MADE a huge mistake of giving her money for 6 months worth of bills. My guess is SHE used the money for non essential things to make YOU look like you didn't take care of her and your child.
Personally, I'd talk to the lawyer about having the custody of your daughter as your wife can't seem to handle money, nor does she care to.
DO NOT just "take" you daughter. MAKE sure it's LEGALLY sound that your daughter live with you. Otherwise you might end up with more trouble.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (21 March 2015):
Get your daughter out of there but be sure to consult your attorney first so you can avoid any problems.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2015): The bills that she is behind on are also your responsibility because you are legally still married to her. She is milking you on debt being a dead cow. You should sure leave her in as much financial ruin as you can but check with your lawyer about your daughter. She deserves every ruin you can bring into her.
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