A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I think the title says it all.We have been married for 7 years, together for 10 years, and the sex went from twice a night (which is normal in a honeymoon phase) to never over the course of 2 years. Over the last 5 years we have not had sex even once. This is very upsetting to me and we have talked the topic to death. It is poisoning other aspects of the relationship, too. For example, if she says she wants me to help move the patio furniture or that she wants something for the home (she is a housewife) I am inclined to either not do it or just be bitter about it. I realize sex should not be tit-for-tat, but I do feel like if I am not getting what I want then why should she? We used to fight about it often, but lately I know better than to even bring it up.I feel very unloved and very bitter about my marriage and life in general. I never used to feel this way, but being rejected over and over again has me thinking: "Hey, maybe my wife is trying to tell me something." If I am that terrible of a person I wish she would just leave rather than subject me to the anguish. We don't have kids so nothing is stopping her, but she says she doesn't want to leave and wants to be with me. However, she won't have sex with me and can't say why.If I try to romance her she will say things like: "I know what you are up to!" and I think to myself: "Oh really? What a scheming pervert I must be to want to have sex with my wife!"I don't know if I can continue on like this. Our sex life, when we had one, was good but she insists that that part of the relationship is over this many years into marriage.I am considering counseling but from what I have read the odds are not good in situations such as mine. I have also thought about outright divorce but I am not sure I have the guts because it would tear my entire life apart in so many ways. It would be so much easier if she could at least just tell me what is wrong so that I can make an informed decision about my odds but she says she can't tell me why she feels how she feels but she just does. I think that's a copout for a woman I have spent a decade of my life with.
View related questions:
divorce, sex life, unloved Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2014): What if the OP had gotten married to his wife implying that he saw himself having children in the next few years, and then right after the wedding he changed his story and started saying "That possibility is gone. Get over it."?
This woman pulled a BAIT AND SWITCH to get a ring on his finger! It's nothing less than that!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2014): 'I don't care too much for orgasms. I have sex to connect.'Jannipeg this is the exact point I made earlier - that's all very well and good while you still feel connected to the man in general, in fact it can be quite enjoyable, but when the connection starts to fade in other ways because you feel neglected or something similar, then the crap sex starts to matter more. Trust me - it's a horrible feeling having a man use you to come inside when it feels rubbish for you (and he knows that), and he won't even make the most basic effort to fix the things you want fixed because he thinks they're not important.The vagina does have nerve endings, but it's not that easy for me to feel any pleasure from sex at all. Especially if I'm holding some resentment towards my partner and he doesn't care about finding the nerve endings! I don't care about my husbands money (in fact he has none) but you're right I don't respect him any more. He thinks only about his needs and dismisses mine as being a 'typical woman moaning' so I've lost most of the respect I had for him. If the OP is having verbal fights with his wife then that's likely to ruin her sex drive too. As they say, women need a reason to have sex men only need a place.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 November 2014):
 I don't think it's about emotional needs or orgasms. If sex used to feel good and had been a way to connect it shouldn't just stop for no reason. There are sensitive nerve endings inside the vagina. It does not mean bad sex when there is no vaginal orgasm. clitoral orgasm is rather easy to achieve so there is no excuse to go off that too. I don't care too much for orgasms. I have sex to connect.
She is staying with you because she is financially dependent on you. You mentioned physical and verbal fights instigated by her. She does not respect you and is not happy with life. I could see her saying things like, "what a shitty life I have now. I am stuck with a man I don't love and have to respond to him badgering for sex." She could be having premenopause too.
I get that she can simply close the conversation on sex by being matter of factly, saying she doesn't miss it anymore. Saying people don't need sex anymore after marriage is just some bullshit, deluding you into thinking a sexless marriage is a normal, common thing. However if you ask her does she love you for you, not for your money that's the crucial question which can't be taken lightly. That's your answer you need so you can make a decision accordingly. I don't think many people can lie in your face and say they love you when they really don't. Otherwise they are like psychopaths capable of using people.
Whenever there is a sexless marriage case, it's usually women who think men don't do enough, help out enough, don't talk about feelings enough. Men would say women are just in it for the money. And it is often caring, sensitive guys who got sucked into situations like these because users attract them like magic.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2014): Anon male says: However, an orgasm is not something a man can control....Women are complicated and what gets a woman off on Saturday doesn't get her off on Wednesday.
Urgh! You're saying because it's more difficult for a woman to have an orgasm, it's somehow her own problem? What, should she just have sex even if it's shit because it's too complicated for men to work out what does it for her?
Then these same men come on here saying 'we have great sex but she's depriving me'. I despair...
...............................
A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (25 November 2014):
"I am tired of women pinning their own idiosyncrasies on their lovers. Women are complicated and what gets a woman off on Saturday doesn't get her off on Wednesday."
What would you suggest women do about this instead anon male?
"After 5 years, it's time for the husband to quit trying to understand ANYTHING about this situation and move on with his life."
I think this is a totally fair suggestion, except the OP has asked for help to fix the problem. He is well within his rights to leave if he's not happy, and I wouldn't totally blame him, but if he wants to FIX the problem rather than rant about how unfair it is (which I'm not disputing), then the ONLY chance he has is to get to the root of the problem and try to solve it so his wife becomes interested in sex again. It's not as simple as telling her 'as my wife you should do this...', because it either won't work at all or will guilt her into having sex with him temporarily but won't resolve the issue itself - that for whatever reason, she no longer enjoys sex with him.
In a nutshell - leaving is a legit response, but if he wants to stay with her and find a solution, then he must try to find out why she has gone off him/sex.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2014): Bait-and-switch does not always have to be a completely conscious decision. It is more of a subconscious thing a lot of times. People are conditioned to try to sell themselves to a partner. Men on the first date, women to get a man to marry them.
But the bottom line hasn't changed for the O.P. After all the explanations and theories about why his wife feels one way or another, her behavior is still best described as bait-and-switch. That is what he is dealing with.
How is the O.P. supposed to "fix" this? These two people have two different pictures in their heads for how the marriage ideally works. She has been getting her way basically since the ring went on her finger. Her words say she wants to meet him halfway on this but her actions say she absolutely does not.
The wife got married and immediately stopped doing something practically as basic as eating meals with her husband. She makes no real explanation and says "that part of the relationship is over." After 5 years, it's time for the husband to quit trying to understand ANYTHING about this situation and move on with his life. You cannot fix a relationship problem if your partner does not even agree that there is a problem.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2014):
If a woman doesn't orgasm from sex it could be that her lover is poor or it could also mean that she is a poor lover herself. I don't know any man who would not want his lover to have an orgasm. However, an orgasm is not something a man can control. That is solely between a woman's ears. So many women have told me that if a woman isn't having sex she isn't enjoying it, but none of them have been able to articulate what "better sex" is. Sex for women is highly emotional and satisfaction has very little to do with technique or what a man does or does not do between the sheets. I am tired of women pinning their own idiosyncrasies on their lovers. Women are complicated and what gets a woman off on Saturday doesn't get her off on Wednesday.
...............................
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (25 November 2014):
"None of the two of us were really understanding where the other was coming from"
This lady's story is so common and sums up a lot of what can go wrong between long-term couples. At the beginning, both parties make a conscious effort to please the other as they feel their own needs are being met too. However, for many reasons, things often change and that person starts to focus only on themselves and their need. In my experience, this happens when underlying arguments/resentments have not been dealt with properly. With this husband and wife, she feels neglected and he feels sexually unsatisfied and both are at the point of doing the bare minimum to keep the other happy. The other person can tell it's a half-assed attempt, and they become more resentful.
For this to be resolved, both parties must temporarily stop worrying about what they want and work together to get the connection back. To get back to that place when you willingly wanted to please the other and vice versa.
"It's pretty clear what went on here. Bait and switch."
I see men say this a lot, and honestly I believe that very few women would deliberately do this to 'catch' a husband. Lots of women enjoy sex just as much as men, but either the connection (as mentioned above) or the skill of their lover is missing.
Guys, imagine if you had sex regularly for years, and only orgasmed two or three times in all of that time? Or worse still never? Yet your partner easily did and wanted sex lots because it was so awesome for them. Do you think you'd be happy to keep doing it for absolutely no pay-off, or would you feel a bit hard done to?
In many cases, the payoff isn't there for the woman so it becomes a chore. Perhaps if some of these men became better lovers then women might be more willing to partake (I'm not directing this at you personally OP, although you do admit your wife has told you the payoff isn't worth it and you don't even know if she orgasms much).
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2014): Lets look at the facts.
The O.P.'s wife had a lot of sex with him (and a lot of sex with others before that) right up until they got married. Then she stopped soon after, and now she says that part of their life is over.
It's pretty clear what went on here. Bait and switch. She uses sex as a tool to get things she wants. She stopped doing it with her husband as soon as she could.
When he gets fed up and divorces her (not if, when), she will be back on the market and back having plenty of sex with future guys. Eventually one of them will marry her and the pattern will repeat.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2014): I'd like to share my story with you as I am in your wife's shoes and I don't know how to fix it, although I'd really like to.
I used to love sex, although admittedly I didn't always feel pleasure from it in the traditional sense. I can orgasm easily by myself, but it takes a while, and I've never found a man who has been bothered enough to take the time to do what it takes to get me there. However, initially I was happy enough having sex with my husband mostly because he enjoyed it, and I enjoyed the feeling of intimacy and the connection it gave us.
But slowly, things started to go downhill between us and he started to take me for granted. It wasn't anything major, he just stopped making as much effort. I brought this topic up numerous times, explaining that my emotional needs were no longer being met. I didn't want him to pay for meals out, or buy me presents, or all the things he thought I wanted. I wanted him to take an INTEREST. In me, in what was important to me.
Every time I brought it up, he did try, but it was obvious that he was just doing it to humour me. He was doing what I asked technically, but I could tell his heart wasn't in it. Like 'if I listen to her go on for a bit, then I can go back online or down to the pub'. Although he was there, I felt neglected emotionally. There was no true connection or support, and he didn't seem to need it in the relationship either.
At this point, I was still having sex and it was ok, but I started to go off it. Slowly, I'd find myself going through the motions to please him, yet I was growing more and more resentful. My needs were no longer being met, and he wasn't making any true effort in my mind to fix it, yet there I was letting him come in me when I was getting no pleasure out of it and he knew that.
I'd long since stopped trying to teach him how to get me off because it just resulted in 10/15 mins of rubbing and him scrutinising my face to see if it had worked yet. He knew sex rarely resulted in my orgasm, but he just stopped asking about it and ignored that fact.
Then, and I can actually pinpoint the day, we had another big fight about his lack of effort. He told me he was sick of my nagging, and clearly I don't appreciate all the things he does (like paying for stuff, giving me lifts, that sort of thing). I told him I did and do appreciate it, but it's the connection I'm missing. None of the two of us were really understanding where the other was coming from, and again I left feeling like I was asking too much of him.
Later that night, he tried to initiate sex with me. I really didn't want to do it, but I thought I'd try to see if it patched things up between us because things were still tense.
But this time was different. Normally I'd be happy he was at least getting pleasure, but this time I wasn't. There was so much hurt and anger and unresolved thoughts, that I had absolutely no affection for him at that moment. And with every touch and kiss, the worse it got. I didn't want him to touch me, and I hated every minute of it to the point of feeling like I could cry. But I couldn't face another fight which I knew would happen if I stopped him, so I thought I'd just get it over with. Which is horrible and I never thought I'd be one of those women.
So he finished, and he didn't notice that I was on the verge of tears at all. About an hour later, I tried to calmly chat to him again about how I felt and he told me not to 'ruin it' after our 'great make-up sex'.
Being honest, I've never much felt like sex with him again. I've done it lots of times, although admittedly less frequently than before (and much less than he wants), but the idea of it makes me feel I want to cry. I still love him to pieces, and I can't imagine my life without him, but I don't desire him like that just now. And I don't know how to fix it. And it makes it worse when I'm told I'm not sticking to my side of the 'agreement' by not having sex with him as much. Because I've told him what he needs to do on his side and he won't do it. Or he thinks it's not important/me being a drama queen.
I want to make it clear that I'm not blaming him for all of this. I just feel that there's this huge deal made about how sex is a man's right, but what about my rights? Am I supposed to keep having sex with man who knows I don't enjoy it, and knows I'm feeling neglected, when I hate it? When he won't meet me in the middle? I do try but many times I make excuses because I just can't face feeling used anymore.
He does make an effort sometimes, but it's very clear that's only because he wants the sex to become more frequent, and if I'm not in the mood immediately after he's made dinner or whatever then I'm in the bad books yet again. Does he not get that being huffy and pissy because I won't have sex has the opposite effect? I want to feel like he wants ME to be happy and get something out of it, instead of it being about him and his so-called right to an orgasm.
I'm sorry this has been a bit of a rant, but short of leaving him I'm not sure what to do. Maybe this can help you see something from your wife's side and perhaps help you fix it?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2014): Thanks for your answers everyone. It makes me feel better to know I am not alone. I do love my wife, but at the same time I feel like she has treated me worse than any enemy. The things she says and does are very hurtful and she can't offer any explanation to me despite HOURS and HOURS of deep conversation and writing letters back and forth to each other that leave us both in tears but no closer to a resolution.YouWish had some questions and here are the answers: 1. The first thing I looked at in your question is your age. You're 41-50. Is she also??She is 32 months older than I am and much more sexually experienced. At the moment I am 41 and she is 44. 2. Is she on medication for a condition? She has no prescriptions. She used to take Paxil but quit a few years ago. 3. Does she have diabetes?She might as she has blood sugar problems, but she has no prescription for it. 4. Has she gained weight?? We both have, but her lack of sex drive started back when we were both much more fit. 5. Do you have kids?No, as stated in original post. 6. What was the moment when the sex diminished? I would say it happened when we got married. That's cliche perhaps, but pretty much true. 7. Have either of you cheated physically or emotionally? I never have. She may have. I dunno. She did accuse me of cheating even when I never have or even came close when a coworker of mine took an interest in me. This has after our sexual problems started, though. As for her, overall I trust her but there were a couple occasions where I dunno. It wouldn't surprise me if she did, but I don't think she did. 8. She's a housewife? Is that by choice? No. She always had a career, but she quit her stable job to try to start a company which failed. That was a few years ago. Since then, she hasn't worked except for a few hours here and there on contract. I support her either way no matter what she decides to do. 9. Relationship between you and her family, or vice versa?Her mom is a piece of work and she will be the first to say that. Her mom tries to manipulate her a lot. That said, I get along well with her family and her with mine. 10. You were together for 10 years, married for 7. Has there been a re-curring fight between you two (BESIDES lack of sex) that seems to pop up? In 10 years... lots of them. Which are relevant? 11. Are either of you political? I would say I am the person who always has to be right. I am better educated. That said, despite her calling me a control freak she is actually the one that seems to need to be in control at all times. Example, if I am driving and I choose a parking spot there is a 50% chance she will bitch me out because it is suboptimal in some way like not being in the shade or whatever. 12. In the worst fights/arguments you've ever had, has there ever been hitting, slapping, name calling, ridiculing, horrible things said just to hurt the other person? Yes. She is terrible about throwing things at me and I definitely get back at her verbally. 13. BEDROOM question. I know you have to dust the cobwebs off of your memory for this, but has she ever had an orgasm that you could *verify*? Who knows? She says she has. She has had a lot more lovers than I have. She said some were good and some were bad. Overall, she says that it is hard for her to cum. I think she's cum with me but I won't claim that it happened every time or anything. In our conversations she mostly says that sex isn't worth it to her for the effort meaning that she has to put in a lot of work to cum and the payoff isn't there. 14. Do you suspect she may be cheating? Not at the moment, no. Maybe never. 15. When you talk about sex, what level of defensive does she get? She just is matter-of-fact about it. She says she wishes it was different, but it's not and she can't explain why. If we talk about good times we had she will acknowledge that but say it is in the past even though she says she misses it. If I am insistent then she will get angry with me for pushing her. She says she hopes things can change but she does nothing to help that process so I think it is lip service. Mostly, she wonders why I have this incessant need to bother her for sex when that part of the relationship should be over by now and I should just accept that.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2014): Watch out.. I'm about to go on a rant.I seriously do not understand people who think it is okay to lock someone in to marriage, and then deny them a fundamental component of love. It is bait and switch, and completely unfair. I do not even know how people live with themselves, knowing they have gotten someone to give up a lifetime of options with other lovers, and then cut them off from sex. In my view, this is abuse. And to use those cutesy little lines like "I know what you are up to!" is even more detestable. What nerve this little lady has. In my view, people intentionally go out of their way not to hold up their end of a bargain in marriage do not deserve to be married when there are so many people out there who need love and would be willing to express it. Kind of angers me because it is essentially the reason why so many men do not want to get married, they are afraid that they will be screwed over like this. Yet there are so many women out there who would NOT do that to you.Sorry to sound harsh, but it would take a LOT for me to accept my husband's offer to work while I stayed at home all day. And if I did take that offer up, you better believe I would be making it worth it for him. Not playing these stingy little games. I guess I am bitter though. My husband did essentially the same to me, except he expected one-way transactions (oral- but only for him) practically every day before I finally just lost all hope in a real sexual connection. Every time I expressed that I needed something more mutual, he just found a way to guilt me by saying I clearly did not get pleasure out of pleasing him. When we did have normal intercourse, he just pouted and made me feel bad. This went on for about 5 years, and now I am basically in your wife's position because I have had it. But it took me a long time to get to that point and I am miserable knowing that I just do not have it within me to want to please him anymore. Bottom line, people who play games with your sex life do not deserve you. But like you, I do not know how to give up the life I have built with him. It's a real catch 22. Maybe we need to listen to "no nonsense Aiden", and hit rock bottom.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 November 2014):
 If/when there is such a sensual/sexual mismatch as you describe...THEN the "relationship" is over... DOOMED...
Don't give it a second thought.... and get away from her and re-start your life elsewhere....
Good luck...
P.S. I am speaking from EXPERIENCE.....
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2014): 5 years, no explanation, saying that part of the relationship is over? That means forget it. Time for a divorce.
She might even have a medical or other reason. It still doesn't fix it. Even if the sex drive could be brought back there is no excusing the way you have been treated for 5 years. You have the right to want to start fresh with someone else over that alone.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 November 2014):
 YIKES! Married 7 years, only had sex for 2 out of 7? That is no good. I totally understand, and I would be climbing the walls if I had to go without sex like that.
I have some questions for you which could both shed light on the situation as well as maybe help give you some insight into the tragic disconnect here. I can't advise you in the best way without the answers to these. I can speculate, but I'd rather use a precise laser than a scatter pattern from a Blunderbuss, right? So if you're still reading, can you follow up with these answers?
1. The first thing I looked at in your question is your age. You're 41-50. Is she also??
2. Is she on medication for a condition? Doesn't have to be depression, though those meds are notorious for sucking the sex drive and ability to respond from you. Does she take high blood pressure pills? Opioid pain medication (Oxy, codeine, tramadol, vicodin, norco)??
3. Does she have diabetes? The drugs can sap out sex drive as well as the highs and lows of insulin resistance.
4. Has she gained weight?? Self Body image can be a complete libido-killer. Have you mentioned her body in a negative light in the past?
5. Do you have kids?
6. What was the moment when the sex diminished? Was there a specific fight? Was there a life change (i.e. chronic illness, death of a loved one, etc)?
7. Have either of you cheated physically or emotionally? Was there an "almost" moment, like sexting, emotional affair, her being suspicious, etc. Was there cheating before the marriage? Was your relationship considered on-again, off-again?
8. She's a housewife? Is that by choice? Did she have a job or career she has lost? You haven't been married long. Did you insist she become a housewife, or did she want to do it? This could speak to a self-image issue.
9. Relationship between you and her family, or vice versa?
10. You were together for 10 years, married for 7. Has there been a re-curring fight between you two (BESIDES lack of sex) that seems to pop up? Could be petty, could be serious, like money habits, hobbies, friends, cleanliness/hygiene, etc.
11. Are either of you political? Strange question, I know, but do the two of you ever debate, and if you do, is there someone who has to be right, like a "my way or the highway" sort of thing? I ask this because believe it or not, sometimes when opinions differ, some people believe they need to emotionally bludgeon the other one into submission in order to be right. I'm not saying it's you!
12. In the worst fights/arguments you've ever had, has there ever been hitting, slapping, name calling, ridiculing, horrible things said just to hurt the other person? In short, do you both fight fair, or could something so hurtful and devastating be said/done that could stick?
13. BEDROOM question. I know you have to dust the cobwebs off of your memory for this, but has she ever had an orgasm that you could *verify*? I'm not talking about sound she made, but the physical manifestations themselves. Yes, I know it's personal, so you don't have to answer. But many people fake it, so it's good to know the actual physical effects (hardened nipples, flushed face, contractions of the uterine wall, hardened clitoris, faster beating heart, possible sweat, etc). Was the sex good, as in not stale?
14. Do you suspect she may be cheating? I'm not talking about suspect just because she's not sleeping with you, but odd habits or secretiveness? Does she have a lot of friends and goes out for a social life, or does she stay in a lot. What hobbies does she have that are only hers?
15. When you talk about sex, what level of defensive does she get? Is it apathetic, or tooth-and-nails? Does she get angry, or despairing, or basically no reaction, as in "deal-with-it" shrugging?
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (23 November 2014):
 Time for the 180. You've wasted enough of your life with this. If that part of the relationship is over, Then the relationship is over. Get your finances lined up. Get in shape. You are going to need to be ready to be back on the market. 5 years means she isn't interested in trying.
FA
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (23 November 2014):
Some anti depressants can completely kill a person's sex drive. While my wife is on them she has absolutely no desire for sex and is incapable of orgasm.
If this isn't the case for your wife maybe you need to talk to her about having an open relationship.
I wouldn't tolerate it if I was you. At least when my wife isn't horny she understands and will still (sometimes) have sex with me.
...............................
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (23 November 2014):
There could be lots of reasons for her not wanting to have sex. She may not enjoy it (many women don't get any pleasure from intercourse, so it might be that it does nothing for her or she may even resent the fact you get pleasure while she gets nothing); she might be fighting insecurities about her body; she might have developed a sexual aversion (there's lots of info online about this); she might feel resentment towards you for some reason... The list could go on forever. In actual fact, she might not even know why she doesn't want sex any more.
What she does need to know though, is that this is upsetting you so much that you are considering ending the marriage. Have you told her how much this is affecting you? Have you suggested counselling and made it clear that it's necessary for her to try something if she wants to save your marriage? She might get a shock if you tell her all of this and be more inclined to try to fix the problem.
If however, she still isn't willing to try to work this through, then I don't see what option you have but to leave. You have the right to a healthy sex life, and she has the right to never have sex again if that's what she wants. Unfortunately that might mean that you have reached an impasse and the marriage can't continue.
One final thing. There is a good chance that she is picking up on your bitterness towards her and that could mean she's even less likely to want to have sex with you. I don't blame you for the way you feel, but I also wouldn't blame her for not wanting to have sex with someone who doesn't even seem to like her that much at the moment. If you want to make this work and you can get her to agree to counselling, then you will BOTH need to work on re-building the connection between you. Let go of any bitterness and resentment, and start making an effort to please each other again.
...............................
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (23 November 2014):
I hate to say it, but I wonder if, when she says she can’t tell you why, what she actually means is that she can’t pluck up the courage to say she’s not in love with you. Perhaps this is because she does care for you, and even love you, and is perhaps in a bit of denial herself. But the attraction just isn’t there.
This is a tricky problem because you say you’ve talked it to death but yet you remain clear as mud as to what the problem is. Unfortunately I think what you need to take from this is that placing the onus on her to explain, by asking her to explain her reasons for this situation, isn’t going to work. You may actually need to ask her if she is not attracted to you anymore, or if she is ever going to change how she feels. And if she is, you need to know what needs to happen to enable that. Tell her the situation has to change and if you are going to support her, you need to know how. If there are things stopping her having sex, but she wants to overcome them, counselling might be helpful. But if you don’t get anything from her about how this can help, I’m afraid you may have to take charge of the situation and decide whether a sexless marriage is one you can cope with. Your unhappiness comes out loud and clear in your post, so I’d suggest that it isn’t. And you shouldn’t feel bad about that: it’s absolutely okay to want sex and not find it acceptable that there isn’t any. I think your wife should also be made aware how hurtful it is that she says “I know what you’re up to” when you try to romance her. It’s like she’s completely separated sex from love: you’re not doing this because you want to spend time with her, but because you want to get her in to bed. The truth, of course, is that you want to spend time with her and, as part of that, to enjoy sex as an expression of your love for each other. This kind of rejection is really tough to deal with.
You said in your post you wouldn’t have the guts to divorce, and you describe the devastating impact this marriage breaking up would have on you. The trouble is, I think you really need to ask yourself this: is hitting rock bottom now, worse than carrying on with something that’s not going to change? Because I’m worried it won’t change, I think 5 years is a very long time to talk something over. I really hope you can at least get some clarity and know where you stand to plan for the future. Good luck.
I wish you all the very best.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2014): Why don't you initiate divorce, you're essentially roommates, and why are you only now seeking help, I've never understood how people will stay in celibate relationships for years when they need more. You also don't have children keeping you there so file for divorce, and once it's final go out meet new people and start dating, and this time you'll know to be upfront about your needs and not stay in a relationship where you can't communicate your wants without being shut down.
...............................
A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (23 November 2014):
 you may need a third party to get her to talk, to open up. a marriage counselor may be needed.
something maybe suppressed in the back of her mind, causing guilt or harsh feelings. like you said it is poisoning other parts of your relationship.
the one thing i may suggest is kill her with kindness. romance her " i know you tried it already" but don't stop there. get a room out of town, take her out for a dinner and a romance movie , bring home flowers, cook a dinner. help around the house, ect... what can it hurt??? try it for say 3 months. set a goal don't throw away what you have built over the past few years without a fight to save your marriage.
best wishes to you both.
...............................
|
