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My wife won't give me a blowjob!!!!

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 May 2010) 19 Answers - (Newest, 18 July 2010)
A male United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I'd like to start by confirming I m 32 not 21. So this is my problem... My wife don't want to give me a blowjob anymore because she says she doesn't like it.

I'm going down on her all the time because that's the only way that she can have multiple orgasms.

I like to give her oral because I know it pleases her but how come she doesn't want to give me one. I dont really enjoy giving head but I'm doing it because it makes her happy.

Isn't this selfish? How can I get my wife to give me bj again?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010):

When we were first dating she would give great BJ and after marrying they got less and less. After 20 years I was frustrated and meet another guy who his wife had also stopped and he was just as frustrated. We now arrange to meet at least twice a month and please each other. We both like the taste of cock and cum. He will swallow me and I him. Thus we have solved our problem and we are happy now. We both still have active intercourse with our wife and get our BJ from each other. Best of both worlds I guess.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010):

I am so happy for you just remember to appreciate her and they will keep coming. YAAAA

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for all the answers. I stopped for like a week and then we started talking about it and she said that she understands why i felt so bad after pleasing her and not getting any of that attention back and we're back in normal :). And we found a compromize = 69

It's kinda stupid thing to worry about that much but feels great tho to have it back

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2010):

If you change the way you look at this, your problem will fix itself. You have to stop being angry and calm down, your attitude is working against you.

The poster below has the attitude of a horny teen, don't listen to him he doesn't know what he is talking about. Now ready - listen I am right about this I am a woman I know these things. Men don't know squat about theses things, they shouldn't even answer (but you can't stop them they think they know everything).

Ready here it goes

1. It's a lot of work to do a bj - you have to do about 5 things at the same time to get it right.

2. It takes a physical toll on mouth hands and neck

3. it is kind of impersonal - feels like serving a p@@@s and with no other physical contact, it can feel kind of lonely especially if there is absolute silence and no caressing touches.

4. the smells and taste and texture is a serious impediment

6. most men are addicted to it and ask for it frequently

5. it disheartening when you get everything right and he comes but complains about swallowing instead of enjoying the experience and hugging you for getting it right!!!.

6. in every woman's past there is a guy who has been a jerk doesn't help subsequent partners but its a fact.

Men seldom really appreciate the above they just want it done.If that's been happening in your relationship, that may be why she stopped. I am not accusing you - you asked I am telling you. If it's not you the ok.

Just remember, women have an emotional bank, we like to draw from it to give to the ones we love - but its not endless and we need regular deposits. Sexual demands, expressions of dissatisfaction, threats to do this if she does not do that, are large withdrawals each time they happen. You can come back from these errors by making regular deposits, admit when you have been unfair. Men crave sex and certain acts more than women and this may lead to demands but always ask is it about me and my pleasure or about us do I love her enough to make sure she is happy with what we do? Think of the things she does for you not what she does not.

Just think about it. If you accept all or at lest some of the above, then you will see that you should be very careful about your attitude when she does gives you a bj. She gets little out of it and although she loves you, why does she need to show you by a sexual act? There is no place for any complaints or dissatisfaction, being appreciative maybe something she has never experienced from any man and if you are she will want to do bj.

Don't say thank you for the bj baby, what ever you do - while she is doing it gently caress her hair occasionally, say something loving, let her know if you are enjoying it, make a noise, never seem dissatisfied, when you are finished reward her with a cuddle she been down there all by her self she needs to feel you around her, get out the baby wipes and clean her up just like you love her, show her the love she just showed you. Never forget this.

Now about you present situation if you have been acting like a jerk acknowledge it first to yourself and then sincerely to her. Don't do this with no thought of a bj, just do it because you were incorrect and want to make amends with the woman you love. Don't discuss any consequences like you will cheat divorce, stop doing something for her, remember this is the woman you love, that would not be loving. Keep showing your love. Don't talk about it for a while, concentrate on pleasing her. Don't get impatient and stop because you think it is not working. Remember, you are being loving not doing this to get something.

OP you are in this for the long haul and the attitudes you foster now with your wife will pay off for you both. Would you be happy if it took you a year for her to give you a bj vs. never getting one because of a lack of proper appreciation. Don't make it about you or any act, you will regret doing that because resentment builds and she may do things if you bug her enough but every time she does, you are making big withdrawal from her emotional bank. Eventually you will both be miserable. Never let that bank get empty by taking more than you give.

Are you still treating her the way you did when you were dating, have you been forgetting to be that guy she feel in love with. Don't ask why you have to do all this stuff - you do because you are here she is not.

Think about what I said and post again. Biggest thing to do is to make sex about you and her not about the act. Make her feel that always, if she does you're golden.

Let me know how it goes. Most of all calm down she can feel your tension about this and it will only make her more resistant. It true you cannot make her do anything but you can make her want to do things for you. Only you know the type of man you need to become to make that happen. You're smart so you will figure it out.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010):

Dear anonymous,

I suggest that you respond in kind. Stop doing the things for her that you don't like. Don't give her money. Don't help her with the chores. Don't visit her relatives. Etc.

Now some would say that these things are 'more important than some blowjob'. Really? Why? Things are only as important as you make them - don't let other people choose for you what's important. Giving a BJ is a sign of intimity between two people. By not giving them, your wife is starving you emotionally.And people even suggest you should cuddle her in return?!

The above mentioned route has one advantage - you will find out how SHE would react in your place, ie. being denied something she wants because you "don't like it". Watch her closely - will she try to be more attentive to you to get you back? Will she talk about it with you? Will she try to make you feel better about your marriage?

Good luck, and tell us how it went.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010):

Stop doing it so she feels how boring it is!! You have as much of a right to refuse to do something as she does!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I also keep it 100% clean and everything so there is not way it's because of that and it's the best feeling to cum from blowjob and about achieving multiple orgasms : Its not the same for as in women but i could come even 3 times if she keep blowing i wouldnt even get solf i kept being hard and and come one or more times and i can't achieve that with nothing else than head.

So i don't know if i should stop doing it so she can appreciated or just being passive and keep doing it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I also keep it 100% clean and everything so there is not way it's because of that

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A male reader, Kama New Zealand +, writes (30 May 2010):

Kama agony auntI'd still just stop going down on her until she comes around. Maybe it's sort of childish to suggest that she owes you since you treat her well in this way, but turn the gender roles around; is it the same story? Picture a girl who loves giving head to her man, but can't get him to go down on her; do we still claim that he isn't obligated to return the favor every so often? I totally think sex is a give and take . . .

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A male reader, Starmonster888 United Kingdom +, writes (29 May 2010):

Starmonster888 agony auntGoing down on your wife because you know she likes it is very nice and selfless of you. Unfortunately, it doesn't mean she's obliged to return the favor. She damn sure should be, but she ain't. Think about it like so: you don't need a blow job to achieve multiple orgasms, heck, you can't achieve multi-awesomes anyway.

In conclusion, your wife's compass is broken, and now it can't point south. As a husband, although it sucks (no pun intended), you need try and understand and tolerate her refusal.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2010):

i don't love giving my boyfriend blow jobs. but i will do it anyway because i know he likes it. as long as he keeps it clean down there its not such a traumatic experience.

so my advice is to always keep it clean, theres nothing worse for a girl to have to give a guy a bj with a funky smell in the midst... and this happens often in relationships where people are too comfortable so they dont stress too much about hygeine etc. when you first meet a girl you make sure you washed up and got your cologne etc. when you get comfortable she gotta smell all your funk. I'm not saying this is whats happening with you... Im just stating one reason why she might not wanna give you head

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I didn't want to say i don't enjoy it but it's not giving me any pleasure but the feeling that i m making my wife feel good is worth doing it and i don't nessesarily dislike. I didnt't though about stoping because i know she likes it.

And i m always telling her all the romantic things like taking to her how beautiful she is in her ear and even after sex i always stay like an hour till she fall asleep because i know she's still excited from what just happened even though i m really tiered from stessful work so i don't think i m being the selfish lover here

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I didn't want to say i don't enjoy it but it's not giving me any pleasure but the feeling that i m making my wife feel good is worth doing it and i don't nessesarily dislike. I didnt't though about stoping because i know she likes it.

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A male reader, Kama New Zealand +, writes (29 May 2010):

Kama agony auntWhile it's nice to consider all of the things you might do to make it a more agreeable experience for her, one thing (which Casey pointed out) does remain obvious here - This really isn't fair. If your wife is getting lots of head and liking it, why shouldn't the favor be returned, right? Maybe a little bit of holding out on her wouldn't hurt? My wife is sitting here with me and she says that "it seems pretty selfish that she knows she'll get hers but yet she doesn't have to do anything." I agree. Sexual economics! It's not necessarily my wife's favorite thing to do either (much to my dismay - I'm a big fan of course). It was really hard for me to have her go down on me when we were first married - she was indeed a bit lazy in this way. Things are different now, and I think largely because we have communicated about how much I like it, that I don't want it to be uncomfortable for her, and that there are other ways for her to do it other than "repetitive head bobbing"- her words. As always, talking and honesty is the key for us on this one. Cheers, and good luck

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A female reader, person12345 United States + , writes (29 May 2010):

person12345 agony auntSome women think it's demeaning or smelly. A lot of the time it's because they don't like the smell and taste of cum. I think you should talk to her about it and find out why she stopped. Tell her how amazing it feels and how much you love it when she does it. Compliment her, tell her she's great at it and beautiful. I agree, it seems unfair for you to give out all oral and never receive. No matter what, don't tell her you dislike doing it to her. Cindy Cares has some really good points too.

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (29 May 2010):

Laura1318 agony auntRomance her , take a keen interest in her welfare , validate her thoughts,help her with the chores ,have romantic dinners often,give surprises , try to fulfill her wishes and wants and she will treat you back like a King and do anything you want .

Good luck!

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (29 May 2010):

CindyCares agony aunt So,you give your wife oral sex but you don't really enjoy it- and you ask your wife oral sex but she does not really enjoy it.

Why do you want to turn loveemaking into a sort of penitence, or sacrifice ? Couldn't you two just do only the things that you both enjoy ?....

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2010):

I think just say "I'm not giving you oral unless you give it to me" tbh it's only fair!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2010):

I would find out why she stopped. Thats the strange part to me. Love making is give and take, as long as both consent to what is being done. I would probably encourage some 69 positions, then both are getting and enjoying at the same time. But also your header for this post sounds like this really pisses you off that she wont ... you cant force her to do it to you, you can only express that you would like her to... no love her to do it to you.

Women are emotional (most) and like to be swooned and told they are beautiful, and coming from the man they love adore and desire, this is quite an aphrodisiac ... try buttering her up a bit, tell her how she makes you feel, how much you desire her, want her, need her ... and that you would like that too ... good luck

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