A
male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:my wife told me that she was not a virgin before we got married, myself was a virgin and only lost it to her.now we are married and truly love her but hurt her past and at times i illtreat her. so i will never experience breaking a virgin i ask myself. i truly love my wife and i know her ex who broke her. im a pastor help me
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male
reader, More Al  +, writes (18 February 2009):
The Pastor is NOT ok with his wife not being a virgin.
So "Also, if you are ok with wife not being a virgin —— PROVE IT."
Naturally doesn't apply to the Pastor but to those men who posted that they have no problem with it.
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"- And, most importantly, the more she tells you the more you will have to be upset about. Right now most of this is probably just vague ideas in your head, about what she did before. But if she gives you specifics, those specifics will come back to haunt you, over, and over, and over, and over, and over....
Really, the more you know, the more it will hurt you. Don't go there"
That previous statement further proves my point.
A
male
reader, Yos  + ♥, writes (18 February 2009):
 I don't like to shoot down another aunts answers but i have to disagree strongly with the previous post:
"Also, if you are ok with wife not being a virgin —— PROVE IT.
Ask her about previous sexual experience(s).
Get details, find out how she feels/felt about each partner, physically and emotionally."
I have been in a similar situation to yours, and I have to strongly caution following this advice.
In my experience (and the experience of others that I have spoken to), bringing this up is a very bad idea. For several reasons:
- It hurts your wife / partner to have to do this
- It's making your wife do something because of your problem. You knew about this going in, and now you are the one having difficulties. This is your issue to solve, you don't need to interrogate her to do that
- And, most importantly, the more she tells you the more you will have to be upset about. Right now most of this is probably just vague ideas in your head, about what she did before. But if she gives you specifics, those specifics will come back to haunt you, over, and over, and over, and over, and over....
Really, the more you know, the more it will hurt you. Don't go there
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A
male
reader, More Al +, writes (18 February 2009):
First things first Pastor.
I want you to take notice that everyone who has made the comment "get over it", "what's the big deal" or something similar. All of these people have had multiple partners.
The following is quoted from another site on this subject by men of various backgrounds:
"Those who have had multiple sexual partners will not find issue with a wife or husband for that matter, who has had one or more prior partners. The reason being is that the more sexual partners a person has the less meaningful the sexual connection becomes to that person, man and women alike.
How is your marriage relationship special if your wife (or intended wife) has been physically intimate with other men?
The question the groom should ask and get an answer too is why was I not worth waiting for? You didn’t think you’d ever meet me? You thought I wouldn’t mind? Would you mind if I went ahead and had lots of sex with hookers and other people before hand? Why is sex important at all for this woman and what does it mean and furthermore since she is willing to do this with others without such commitment how strong is the bond now that ring is there? Did your future wife not consider that maybe you might be a person with feelings and might not want to share your spouse with lots of other men?
Also, if you are ok with wife not being a virgin —— PROVE IT.
Ask her about previous sexual experience(s).
Get details, find out how she feels/felt about each partner, physically and emotionally.
If she does not tell you it’s most likely because there are strong feelings for one or more partners and what she knows that you don’t know may hurt you. What she wont say is that he made her feel better then you do currently.
When you’re done with that ask yourself honestly, how do you feel about your wifes virginity now."
Truth be told, alot,(not all) men want to have as much sex as possible then marry a virgin.
Now with all that being said, you knew going into marriage the details of your wifes past and you accepted it. Now you have learn to deal with it.
Read your KJV
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A
female
reader, blackberry008 +, writes (30 September 2008):
 If you love your wife you should accept her for what she is and everything from her past. Breaking the first cherry is not important. You should accept that she had made a mistake. Your love to her is all what is important and it is not about you breaking her first cherry. Think about it. And if you really love her with all your heart it won't even matter and won't be bothering you right now.
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A
male
reader, Dr Vendetta  +, writes (26 September 2008):
 my wife told me that she was not a virgin before we got married, myself was a virgin and only lost it to her.now we are married and truly love her but hurt her past and at times i illtreat her. so i will never experience breaking a virgin i ask myself. i truly love my wife and i know her ex who broke her. im a pastor help me
So, along came the wedding night.. and you parked the beef bus in tuna town, and you Still didn't notice she wasn't a virgin? WOW Shock Horror.
My heart bleeds for you and this is where i would normally make a wise crack about little boys and you being a pastor, but for a change i'm going to take the moral high ground and not say anything at all.
So you're a pastor eh? and you illtreat you wife? you basicly mean you're abusing you wife. just want to make that clear. you do realise though that being a pastor doesn't give you the right to be a selfish prick nore a wife beater.
If you loved your wife it woulnd't matter.. hell had she not told you, you woulnd't have known anything.
my Advice to you is to stop acting like a spoilt child. nothing has changed your wife is still the same person. the only one who has changed is you. and you've changed into a prick. keep it up and you'll lose her.
it happend. big deal. get over it.
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A
female
reader, yemisdate +, writes (26 September 2008):
I know that you come from Malawi and things are different there, but it's important you know that your wife hasn't changed: she's still the same person. If it's important to you she probably knows this and is very ashamed about it. You have to be with her forever - show her that you love and care about her regardless of her sexual history. You say you're a pastor: show some compassion towards her and, importantly, stop hurting her. Assaulting her or her ex-boyfriend will do far more harm than good.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): So, your wife was not a virgin when you married her. So what? You knew about it, and apparently (since you married her anyways) agreed to let it go. So, let it go. This obsessing over it is only going to make matters worse. I doubt this would go over very well with your wife, but there is a procedure wherein a doctor can stitch your wife's hymen back to gether, so you can "break" hear again. It's rather selfish of you, if you ask me. Tearing through the hymen is not pleasant for the woman, plus you never had to deal with the blood that comes with it. Additionally, it would be a one-time thing. Would you expect your wife to undergo the surgery over and over again for your pleasure? Stitching her hymen back together will not take her past sexual experiences away from her. You need to just forgiver her for her prior liberties, and move on with your lives. If you do not forgive her, your unforgiveness will be the undoing of your marriage.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 September 2008):
 "breaking a virgin"? Yikes, sounds so medieval or like something said on a horse ranch....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): Dear Poster
You have to find peace in your heart; let the past be the past; why dwell on things you cannot change? You are making yourself miserable and by "ill treating" your wife you are risking losing your wife.(Not the kind of behavior expected from you as a pastor).
I suggest you do some introspection and start working on your marriage; start loving and respecting your wife whom have been honest with you; be grateful for what you have and value her; get these thoughts about "virginity" out of your mind. Start concentrating on more important issues, such as how to have a happy and fulfilling marriage.
Clear your thoughts and your mind and concentrate on being a good husband and lover to your wife. Think about ways to create more intimacy in your marriage and learn more about the art of making love.
I suggest you do talk to your wife about this;COMMUNICATION is vital); tell her how you feel, yes, be honest with her and apologize to her for the way you have sometimes treated her; ask her to forgive you for the way you have sometimes treated her and start working together on a happy FUTURE.
I hope this can be of assistance.
Best wishes and keep SMILING.
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A
male
reader, friargreg  +, writes (26 September 2008):
I was my wife's first and it has been nothing but hell ever since. She makes it out that I'm some kind of sex addict and need many different partners to be satisfied. I'd be satisfied if she would just have sex instead of belly aching all the time.
I tell her all the time, like I'm telling you...
"Of all the girls I've loved before... I didn't marry them. I married you, and that should be enough."
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A
female
reader, Sexygirl01 +, writes (26 September 2008):
Stop being so sexist. She was honest to you from the beginning and it was your choice to accept that, if you felt that you could not accept this fact then you should have gone your separate ways. There is no use in crying over spilled milk. I'm sure she loves you and you love her. She made a mistake and its unfair to hold this against her for the rest of her life. She deserves better than this.
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A
female
reader, Sexygirl01 +, writes (26 September 2008):
Stop being so sexist. She was honest to you from the beginning and it was your choice to accept that, if you felt that you could not accept this fact then you should have gone your separate ways. There is no use in crying over spilled milk. I'm sure she loves you and you love her. She made a mistake and its unfair to hold this against her for the rest of her life. She deserves better than this.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten + ♥, writes (26 September 2008):
 Whats the big attraction to wanting to be someones first? Atleast you can be assured that she wont ever wonder what its like with someone else. My ex hubby loved the fact he was my first, but it didn't actually do him any favours in the long term!
C xxx
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