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My wife was not a virgin and this discovery has hurt me deeply. Please help!

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 September 2008) 25 Answers - (Newest, 20 August 2010)
A male Malawi age 26-29, anonymous writes:

my wife told me that she was not a virgin before we got married, myself was a virgin and only lost it to her.now we are married and truly love her but hurt her past and at times i illtreat her. so i will never experience breaking a virgin i ask myself. i truly love my wife and i know her ex who broke her. im a pastor help me

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010):

[Mod edited answer:

1) No submissions are accepted that contain harsh character judgements, victim-blaming and other unecessary, unhelpful comments that may cause emotional distress/harm to others.

http://www.dearcupid.org/pages/answer-guidelines.html ]

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010):

She obviously cannot change her past and you cannot get over her past so you should leave her. If you treat her poorly now it is only going to get worse the longer you let it fester. It will never ever go away and you will have this cancer growing inside you and one day you will be horrified at how awfully you hurt her but you wont be able to control it. Leave her now and spare her the pain because it is devastating. The longer you put it off the worse it becomes.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010):

While forgiving is a nice thing a man could do, you cannot spend your life in unhappiness. Do not be unequally yoked with someone who put her sexual satisfaction before your happiness. Because, face it, this is what happened.

Most people that tell you to forgive her probably never cared about virginity and do not see a problem with sexual promiscuity, so they are not the best advisors and you should not listen a word from them.

Divorce her.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010):

I think it s delicate to say like that because it s important to you or may be your have long time relationship with her before and you didnt expect and because you think it is and you hope it is like you think. That made you so disappointed. May be it s up to the tradition ( But cultural sensitivity not including in this topic )

Before you married do you sure she loved you. Do you sure yourself you loved her? Do you brave enough to ask her what happen because you two are family? And after all this do you still love her ? Is it she, herself important to you? or Is it her virgin important to you?

If one day she got breast cancer and have no boobs do you still love her?

If one day something happen to you, do you think whether she still with you or not?

Nothing in this world it s last wrong.

It s up to you to decide.

You are adult. You are the family man.

One day you will be father. You are not 25 bechelor.

When you married, you have something rely on you.

If it s unacceptable for your line of expectation.

Just deny.

If you can acceptable and decide move on the family

Forgive her.

Advice from a woman.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010):

Divorce her and marry a virgin. ONLY path to happiness.

Learn the lesson now, or spend decades in unhappiness with a woman who never was meant for you in the first place.

By the way, do not mistake ATTRACTION for LOVE. The "love" you feel for your nonvirgin wife is merely attraction caused by Nature injecting your brain with chemicals that will be gone within a few years anyway. Read neuroscience books and you'll see that I know exactly what I am talking about.

I can promise you'll get over your replaceable wife shortly after divorce, when you marry a much better woman who is also a virgin. You'll even wonder how you could even think of marrying the first woman in the first place, trust me.

I do hope that you'll listen to me but I fear you won't. Do not be fooled, this is something one can NEVER get over it. Again, learn it now or spend your life in unhappiness.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010):

Dear pastor, I feel your pain. I met my wife when we were in college but we were just dating with no sex. She left and after 3 years we met again at University but she had lost her virginity. We are married today with 2 kids and she says she loves me and always tells people she will do anything for me. I love her as well but for 15 years I have somehow still been hurting. I have told myself that maybe I need help or something because I still cant come to terms with it. Infact she has even lied to some people that she has never had anyother partner which I have openly denied and confirmed that she has.

i am really confused because as someone said earlier i guess one problem i have is that she probably gave me too many details about how she lost her viginity. Details that have probably hunted me for a better part of my life and me occasionally seeing her as a prostitute.

Mate, I have even cheated on my wife to make myself feel better but it hasnt worked. I still wakeup everyday feeling bad but the funny thing is she laughs,plays and is so happy but doesnt know I am slowly dieing in pain.

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A male reader, jeffreysibayan Philippines +, writes (27 July 2010):

http://esoriano.wordpress.com/ask-bro-eli/

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A male reader, richard782 United Kingdom +, writes (6 July 2010):

Hi guys,

This problem bothers lots of people, including man and woman. I did carefully read the question and the honest answers. Let me try to give the most candid answer.

True, it does make man feel uneasy and think that life is hopeless. This is not your fault, not your wife's either. If you contemplate, this is god's fault! Why god coded man's brain this way? Why god gives man & woman sexual desire before marriage? Accept it as god's mistake!

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A male reader, DeadSequoia United States +, writes (11 June 2010):

Don't be such a judgemental prick and get over your fucking insecurities. If you think you're upset imagine how it feels to have a past you can't change but are constantly judged for. You are an inconsiderate jackass with such narrow views on sexuality it makes me physically fucking ill.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2010):

To the poster on Feb 12, 2010.

I am so sorry for you. It was hard for me to read your post. I am going through the same damn thing. My wife has more of a sordid past than yours and I have no past at all. My wife had one night stands, friends with benefits and long term relationships and unprotected sex. She was also on drugs and alcohol. I met her after she somehow got off of these things and so she seemed like an angel to me.

I found out about her past when she told me but she didn't tell me details. Those came later when I found some old pictures of her exes and some graphic letters including her diary which depicted her first time losing her virginity and all the details!!! That hurt so bad. I never wanted to know that stuff. I too fell in to a self destructive mode. My image of her totally changed in that one instant. I have been with her for many years and why did this happen now? We have kids. I can't just leave my family. I love her, but I feel trapped now.

I thought death was my only option. I considered driving off of a cliff and making it look like an accident so that at least my wife and kids wouldn't live with the pain of a suicide. That was not fair to my kids.

Please don't hurt or kill yourself. I still wish that a bullet or runaway car would take me out sometimes, but I have tried to fight that. I appreciate the poster who says that it is honorable and a good thing to forgive her if she really loves you and shows it. That maybe God will love us if we forgive. I have nothing left. No hope, no joy. But I pretend to be happy and I never want my kids to know I am suffering. If there is a true God, why does it feel like he forgot about me? I am a good person. I help many people in my profession. I have been a great father and great husband. I always respected women in the past and never forced anything from them. That is also why I never had a real serious relationship until I met my wife.

If you only knew how many people she had relationships with you would feel better about your wife. I can't even write or say the number because it hurts too much. But time is helping me to somehow get out of bed in the morning. I focus on my work. I will get counseling. Whatever it takes. Don't give up on yourself. You are a good person. Love her and be the man who wins her heart and soul. Not just her body. I hope there is a God because I pray to him every single day of my life to help me somehow. I am starting to think that cheating on her would cure me instantly but the guilt would be another problem and I could lose everything. My family, my home, everything. That would definately by the nail in my coffin.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2010):

Dear Pastor:

I understand your hurt and fully acknowledge the validity of it, but it could be away your creator is testing you and teaching you that what forgiveness is and if you can not forgive then how would you accept to be forgiven. Loving a person is fine, but within limits. You can not forget your creator for the love of a person that is so temporary just as your being around in his world and the whole world. Think of a test from your lord that would present a situation for your wife to cheat........ how would you react??? My friend everything we experience is a test that we must pass to be able to convince ourselves that we must live up to the expectations of our creator...... true love is not physical.... therefore it is wise not to posses what you dearly love in this world.especially when you dealing with humans. I hope this conforts you!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2010):

Y this world is so skewed??? Had a woman started this discussion "My husband had sex with other girls and he told that on my face ( she will put that he confessed in that way!) and i know her ex", there will stupid guys who would try to comfort her by saying her husband is ans a****** and 100s of b****** saying "You leave him girl. Prove your worth to that prick"

Y don't u understand guys mind are hard built. we don't ask for help and when we do it means we really need it.

This pastor loves his wife and when beautiful image he had created in his mind got distorted because of secrets from her past, he gets hurt, leading to bad effects on his relationship. he is worried for no fault of his and tells in this discussion that he feels bad to mistreat his wife and all u f****** hypocrites are preaching him. Just imagine yourself in his shoes.. you will be feeling the same ..

Dear Pastor,

Let me tell u something. Your feelings and actions are perfectly normal and anybody in your position (esp virgin before marriage), would have reacted in the same way. I am telling u that u have all rights to treat her bad for her mistake.. (A girl will also behave same but in her own ways, torture talks, suspicion and not letting her touch).

But just feel that somebody is begging with true heart for forgiveness. That makes you God-like. Its your wish to punish or remove or forgive. But do what you want God to do. Feel great for forgiving her and tell that she did mistake and u forgive her for the sake of love u have on her.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010):

I understand where you are coming from, I have been married for over 19 years to THE most wonderful woman in the world. Things where painful for her at a young age, she was raped as a teenager by her father, we had only been dating for a short time when she told me of this, she was scared it would scare me off, which it did not, I wanted to make things right imeidiatly, in a permanent fashion. She had a boyfriend that after she told this to pushed her to have sex with him, and she gave in, it never felt right to her and he did not take the time to make her feel good because he was a selfish B*st*rd. He eventually got her pregnant, which did not go full term, she had it aborted. If she did not do that I probably would not have tried to hook up with her, as I was not mature enough to handle someone elses baby, that would be the selfishness on my part. But at the same time I couldn't stand the pain when her doctor asked her if she had ever been pregant, and if it went full term. I pray the she (the doctor) thinks it was our baby and dosn't think less of her. I guess things work out for a reason. She had a one night stand with someone she worked with, and she felt good having sex with this person. Fastfoward to present time, I had just turned 40, We were engaged in forplay, and she was performing oral sex on me when the thought entered my mind if she had done that before, and the question scared me, it was'nt untill the next night that I asked her, and she answered as I knew she would with a yes. One more thing that I had not been her first, I don't know how this came up but she said that he was wearing a rubber when she did it. I dropped it there and tried to put it away. I work a job that takes me out of town for 24 to 48 hours at a time. I went to work and I could not get it out of my mind. I was dead tired when I got to the hotel and took a shower and went to bed, but I could not sleep. More questions kept coming up in my mind. I was up for a total of over 48 hours when I got back home to her. she had something to do that morning and I went with her, I just wanted to be close to her. When we finally got home I told her we needed to talk. She knew something was wrong. we went and laid down so I could be close to her, and I lost it, I never started crying untill then. We went through everything, I knew she was delt a bad hand in the beginning and I did'nt want her to remember but I was going crazy inside. We went thru everything, and everything could be blamed on her father and boyfriend, her father was rape, and her boyfriend basically consentual rape. Her one night stand was the only thing that had happened that she really wanted at the time, and she told me she lied the preveous night about the condom when she performed oral on him, and she was so messed up from everything that happened was the reason that she did it. I told myself that it was okay and she needed it. I worked 2 jobs that kept me in town and I was glad as I wanted to be around her as much as I could, and I was scared of going out of town for fear of going thru what I did before. Well I was called out of town again and it was different as I actually slept, I talked on the phone and I was not doing well. I tried to let her know that I was okay, but inside I wasn't, I was starting to think of ways to kill myself to get rid of the pain I was feeling. I so wanted to be the first enjoyable time with her. I was worried that he was better than me. I had asked her who was better and she just said it was different, but she implied that I was better, but it was still eating at me. I got back home and she knew I was having problems, I asked her again about who was better, I thought she was lying about the condom when they had sex, and she said she wasn't, that he used a condom. I really doubted some answers, and I just asked her why she did it. why couldn't she have waited for me. She could not answer, she said she wished she had. We met before this all happened and if I had persued her then maybe a lot of this could have been avoided. we sat apart I was upset of all the things I could never be her first in, I may not even be able to give her a baby, and all this is killing me inside. I got up walked to the bedroom and was going to blow my head off, I wanted the pain to stop so bad. she followed me in there and I had already gotten the gun loaded. Now she is crying uncontrollably and fighting with me to keep me from killing myself. I have thought about suicide before, but if she hadn't stopped me I was going to do it this time. I really wanted to die. I got her calmed down, I told her how sorry I was and asked her if she had remembered a friends father who had cancer, he was in such pain that they could do nothing about it, they prayed and let go and he passed. I was and in some ways feeling the same kind of pain, and desperatly want it to go, I begged her to let me do it. I finally gave up I could not stand to see her like this, I promissed her I would not kill myself, and I won't as long as she stays with me. I don't really matter and somehow I make her happy and she makes me happy, and she is all that really matters to me, but it is really hard living with her past. I wish I had a past, I think it would make me feel better about hers if somehow I had done the things she had. She told how speacial it is making love to me and she asked me if it feels that speacial to me, but I have nothing to compare it to. And it stills hurts so much to think of my angel doing those things. I will go on, but SO wish things had happened different.

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A male reader, More Al United States +, writes (18 February 2009):

The Pastor is NOT ok with his wife not being a virgin.

So "Also, if you are ok with wife not being a virgin —— PROVE IT."

Naturally doesn't apply to the Pastor but to those men who posted that they have no problem with it.

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"- And, most importantly, the more she tells you the more you will have to be upset about. Right now most of this is probably just vague ideas in your head, about what she did before. But if she gives you specifics, those specifics will come back to haunt you, over, and over, and over, and over, and over....

Really, the more you know, the more it will hurt you. Don't go there"

That previous statement further proves my point.

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (18 February 2009):

Yos agony auntI don't like to shoot down another aunts answers but i have to disagree strongly with the previous post:

"Also, if you are ok with wife not being a virgin —— PROVE IT.

Ask her about previous sexual experience(s).

Get details, find out how she feels/felt about each partner, physically and emotionally."

I have been in a similar situation to yours, and I have to strongly caution following this advice.

In my experience (and the experience of others that I have spoken to), bringing this up is a very bad idea. For several reasons:

- It hurts your wife / partner to have to do this

- It's making your wife do something because of your problem. You knew about this going in, and now you are the one having difficulties. This is your issue to solve, you don't need to interrogate her to do that

- And, most importantly, the more she tells you the more you will have to be upset about. Right now most of this is probably just vague ideas in your head, about what she did before. But if she gives you specifics, those specifics will come back to haunt you, over, and over, and over, and over, and over....

Really, the more you know, the more it will hurt you. Don't go there

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A male reader, More Al United States +, writes (18 February 2009):

First things first Pastor.

I want you to take notice that everyone who has made the comment "get over it", "what's the big deal" or something similar. All of these people have had multiple partners.

The following is quoted from another site on this subject by men of various backgrounds:

"Those who have had multiple sexual partners will not find issue with a wife or husband for that matter, who has had one or more prior partners. The reason being is that the more sexual partners a person has the less meaningful the sexual connection becomes to that person, man and women alike.

How is your marriage relationship special if your wife (or intended wife) has been physically intimate with other men?

The question the groom should ask and get an answer too is why was I not worth waiting for? You didn’t think you’d ever meet me? You thought I wouldn’t mind? Would you mind if I went ahead and had lots of sex with hookers and other people before hand? Why is sex important at all for this woman and what does it mean and furthermore since she is willing to do this with others without such commitment how strong is the bond now that ring is there? Did your future wife not consider that maybe you might be a person with feelings and might not want to share your spouse with lots of other men?

Also, if you are ok with wife not being a virgin —— PROVE IT.

Ask her about previous sexual experience(s).

Get details, find out how she feels/felt about each partner, physically and emotionally.

If she does not tell you it’s most likely because there are strong feelings for one or more partners and what she knows that you don’t know may hurt you. What she wont say is that he made her feel better then you do currently.

When you’re done with that ask yourself honestly, how do you feel about your wifes virginity now."

Truth be told, alot,(not all) men want to have as much sex as possible then marry a virgin.

Now with all that being said, you knew going into marriage the details of your wifes past and you accepted it. Now you have learn to deal with it.

Read your KJV

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A female reader, blackberry008 United States +, writes (30 September 2008):

blackberry008 agony auntIf you love your wife you should accept her for what she is and everything from her past. Breaking the first cherry is not important. You should accept that she had made a mistake. Your love to her is all what is important and it is not about you breaking her first cherry. Think about it. And if you really love her with all your heart it won't even matter and won't be bothering you right now.

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A male reader, Dr Vendetta United Kingdom +, writes (26 September 2008):

Dr Vendetta agony auntmy wife told me that she was not a virgin before we got married, myself was a virgin and only lost it to her.now we are married and truly love her but hurt her past and at times i illtreat her. so i will never experience breaking a virgin i ask myself. i truly love my wife and i know her ex who broke her. im a pastor help me

So, along came the wedding night.. and you parked the beef bus in tuna town, and you Still didn't notice she wasn't a virgin? WOW Shock Horror.

My heart bleeds for you and this is where i would normally make a wise crack about little boys and you being a pastor, but for a change i'm going to take the moral high ground and not say anything at all.

So you're a pastor eh? and you illtreat you wife? you basicly mean you're abusing you wife. just want to make that clear. you do realise though that being a pastor doesn't give you the right to be a selfish prick nore a wife beater.

If you loved your wife it woulnd't matter.. hell had she not told you, you woulnd't have known anything.

my Advice to you is to stop acting like a spoilt child. nothing has changed your wife is still the same person. the only one who has changed is you. and you've changed into a prick. keep it up and you'll lose her.

it happend. big deal. get over it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008):

So, your wife was not a virgin when you married her. So what? You knew about it, and apparently (since you married her anyways) agreed to let it go. So, let it go. This obsessing over it is only going to make matters worse. I doubt this would go over very well with your wife, but there is a procedure wherein a doctor can stitch your wife's hymen back to gether, so you can "break" hear again. It's rather selfish of you, if you ask me. Tearing through the hymen is not pleasant for the woman, plus you never had to deal with the blood that comes with it. Additionally, it would be a one-time thing. Would you expect your wife to undergo the surgery over and over again for your pleasure? Stitching her hymen back together will not take her past sexual experiences away from her. You need to just forgiver her for her prior liberties, and move on with your lives. If you do not forgive her, your unforgiveness will be the undoing of your marriage.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (26 September 2008):

eyeswideopen agony aunt"breaking a virgin"? Yikes, sounds so medieval or like something said on a horse ranch....

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008):

Dear Poster

You have to find peace in your heart; let the past be the past; why dwell on things you cannot change? You are making yourself miserable and by "ill treating" your wife you are risking losing your wife.(Not the kind of behavior expected from you as a pastor).

I suggest you do some introspection and start working on your marriage; start loving and respecting your wife whom have been honest with you; be grateful for what you have and value her; get these thoughts about "virginity" out of your mind. Start concentrating on more important issues, such as how to have a happy and fulfilling marriage.

Clear your thoughts and your mind and concentrate on being a good husband and lover to your wife. Think about ways to create more intimacy in your marriage and learn more about the art of making love.

I suggest you do talk to your wife about this;COMMUNICATION is vital); tell her how you feel, yes, be honest with her and apologize to her for the way you have sometimes treated her; ask her to forgive you for the way you have sometimes treated her and start working together on a happy FUTURE.

I hope this can be of assistance.

Best wishes and keep SMILING.

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A male reader, friargreg Canada +, writes (26 September 2008):

I was my wife's first and it has been nothing but hell ever since. She makes it out that I'm some kind of sex addict and need many different partners to be satisfied. I'd be satisfied if she would just have sex instead of belly aching all the time.

I tell her all the time, like I'm telling you...

"Of all the girls I've loved before... I didn't marry them. I married you, and that should be enough."

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A female reader, Sexygirl01 United States +, writes (26 September 2008):

Stop being so sexist. She was honest to you from the beginning and it was your choice to accept that, if you felt that you could not accept this fact then you should have gone your separate ways. There is no use in crying over spilled milk. I'm sure she loves you and you love her. She made a mistake and its unfair to hold this against her for the rest of her life. She deserves better than this.

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A female reader, Sexygirl01 United States +, writes (26 September 2008):

Stop being so sexist. She was honest to you from the beginning and it was your choice to accept that, if you felt that you could not accept this fact then you should have gone your separate ways. There is no use in crying over spilled milk. I'm sure she loves you and you love her. She made a mistake and its unfair to hold this against her for the rest of her life. She deserves better than this.

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A female reader, hlskitten United Kingdom +, writes (26 September 2008):

hlskitten agony auntWhats the big attraction to wanting to be someones first? Atleast you can be assured that she wont ever wonder what its like with someone else. My ex hubby loved the fact he was my first, but it didn't actually do him any favours in the long term!

C xxx

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