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My wife wants to sleep with another man and wants my consent

Tagged as: Sex, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 November 2007) 32 Answers - (Newest, 28 March 2008)
A male United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

My wife wants to sleep with another man and wants my consent.

I have always been faithful to my wife, but we have on a few occasions attended swingers parties and through them hooked up and had sex with other couples. We have been married four years. She said she enjoyed those times we switched up, but she wants to try and experiment with her going solo with other men. She met a guy at her work that she told about our swinging lifestyle. He’s single and was interested in hooking up with my wife. She’s being very open with me about this and wants my consent. I know she loves me. If we didn’t love each other so much we would have broken up long ago over the swinging. She thinks she can do this and be very comfortable with it. The thing is I’m not so comfortable with it. I know that in the past we consented and switched up. But this feels a little like an affair to me….she’s doing this alone and away from me. She’s always told me it has been easy for her to separate sex from love and that is why our swinging was okay for her. Am I wrong in feeling this is a little beyond the swinging? If I say no, will she do it behind my back anyway? I know its just sex for her and she’s always proven to me how much she loves me. Am I being selfish?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008):

There is nothing wrong with a man sleeping with a guy's wife; BUT as far as I'm concerned men should not even be married to women in the first place. I feel men would be far more better off marrying men and becoming homosexual. This is because there are a lot of crazy wacko women out there who just wanna take advantage of men for sex and for their money. Another example i can give you is that God and Jesus made the biggest mistake to many others about marrying someone from the opposite sex. This happened like thousands of years ago. What God and Jesus should have done was to make every person around the world "heterophobic". That means that MEN SHOULD MARRY MEN and WOMEN SHOULD MARRY WOMEN. Almost all men don't deserve to be with a woman because there has been times when men have psyically abused women and even raped them. There is nothing wrong with being homosexual and the people who choose to be prejudice or make fun of homosexuals are the ones that tend to be complete arsholes; especially the red-necks in the Southern United States and other parts of the world. NO OFFENCE but it is 99.9% true. Homosexuals are great people and they just want to be accepted for who they are and treated as equals just like other people. That also goes with people with special needs. Desires in the case, let your wife sleep with another man. If thats what she wants to do well then give her the freedom for that. There is absolutly no harm in sleeping with a guy's wife. Best of Luck !

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2008):

any type of sex with a person other than your spouse is wrong. period

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008):

No matter what your wife's reasons are for wanting to proceed in a private manner with a new lover who she works with be it infidelity or whatever the fact is that she told you straight up. You can talk about it and make a decision. If you feel like she is emotionally involved then its time to look at your self and see what you are lacking. Maybe you are to controlling maybe she wants to see if you care. Maybe she hates you for letting her shag other men. She communicated with you its on you from here.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2008):

go for it, give her sexual freedom, trust her you do not own her let her have fun . good luck

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008):

No, you are not selfish! You are reverberating what seems to be an honest feeling within you, and you need to listen to that.

My mate and I are in a similar situation, and love eachother very much. Personally, I am comfortable with such an arrangement, and enjoy the growth (and excitement) than can come from such an adventure.

But if you are not comfortable with it, you need to tell her so and convey to her that you are not ready for it.

Best of luck!!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2008):

My wife and I have developed a mature close relationship because of our commitment to understanding everything we can about our love for each other. This took years of experimentation and openness on both our parts. We agreed that it was time for her to have an affair with another man so that I could gauge the depth of my love for her having not felt a lot of jealousy and often feeling more apathy about her than love. She met a very sexy slightly older man with a genuine love for her and she embarked on a two year romance with him. She learned a trmendous maount about her own sexuality and her capacity for loving two people at the same time. It was a perfect test for me becuase I found that I became very jealous after a while and wanted her to return to being my lover -- I had to earn this now because she was finally armed with a choice and an understanding of her sexual power. In thend I earned my wife's love rather than marrying her love and getting it regardless of my actions and feelings. It is a dangerous raod but probably somehting most couples should go through. Once in awhile I encopurge my wife to find a man she likes and have some satisfying extramarital sex -- it is great for our sex life and a fun time of sharing. Good Luck.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008):

I'd say the key is good communication. If you truly love someone, you wouldn't do anything against that person that he or she don't like. Especially when it comes to a touchy subject as sex.It seems that there's things you like about her sleeping with other men and things you don't like and that's where the communication comes to play. You should talk openly about how you feel and come up with a solution that's enjoyable for both of you. I'm a very happily married man in a great relationship. My wife and I love each other more than anything and have complete trust in each other. I know we must be a rare case, cause you always hear people saying that the kind of sex life we have is 100% sure to be doomed. Not even close!!! My wife dates and sleeps with other men and occasionally women on a regular basis, but never behind my back. She always tells me when she's going to meet with other men and what her intentions are. She only dates men she finds attractive and never gets in bed with anyone she doesn't have the right chemistry with. She loves good sex with lots of kissing, touching and foreplay. She's not much for just meet and fuck. She prefers a full date with a man she's truly attracted to, that she'll enjoy making love to at the end of the evening. I know it's hard to believe for many, but we both enjoy her dating a lot and can only do this, because we have such a strong relationship. It brings a lot of spice and excitement and she always shares all details afterwards. She gets a lot of great sex and it's a big tease for me. Say what you want, but it works perfectly for us;)

Good luck

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2008):

I am happy you posted this issue. I am learning now about what you are going through. My wife and I have been married for about 7 years. She is very attractive and so am I. Neither of us have been outside of our marriage for sex or anything else. We both lover each other deeply. Lately she has been reading books which are giving her new ideas about how things are and how things should be. She approached me with the notion that she woudld like to experience other people. She also said she would like me to experience other people. When she first told me this it made me sick. I wrestled with is for about a week and finanlly I told her fine. I told her lets get it over with so we could move on with our lives. She never wanted to do it after that. I later asked her why she is stalling and she told me that she does not think now is a good time. I ask her why and she said she does not think I am ready. I told her that I don't think I will ever be ready for her to sleep with another man but I only agreed because I thought it would make her happy. I told her that there is no normal man in the wourld who would be ok with his wife sleeping with another man. Untimately, I am starting to believe she just wants to be in power of her self and does not want to be bound by rules or regulations in her life from anybody.

I understand where she is comming from but I don't think my heart can handle that. After reading these articles I am convinced that I do not want to be married to a women who will sleep with another man without my aproval. I do not mean to take her power away but I do not want her to take my power away either. She is free to sleep with the whole world if she wants and she is empowered to do so.

However, I will not be that man who is married to a women who sleeps with the whole world If he does not approve. I love her deeply enough to give her her power over her self. However my power over me is still my power over me. Maybe I will change my point of view in the future but as for now this is the way I feel and this is truth for me.

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A female reader, ellen14621 United States +, writes (28 January 2008):

I gave my wife to another man because of health reasons. So far it is working out and she has been a much happier women and the stress has been taking away from me I sometimes watch them and it has alkso been enjoyable to me.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2007):

I think its great your wife asks for your permission, I wish my wife would ask also. Is this "Honesty is the best Policy"? It also could be "I'm going to ask you this time and if you don't give me permission we're through with our relationship". I would be inclined (if we were still in love)to allow her to do this. Maybe she would eventually want to include you in her episodes in one way or another.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2007):

Dude, your blind. Swinging is wrong and so is your wife hooking up with anybody except you. Wake up! If you loved her, you wouldnt let another guys dick in her! Seriously, how stupid could you be?? Maybe you should suffer from another man s balls pounding your wifes privates. Maybe with each thrust, you'll learn that you dont do that shit. Dumbass. I'm gonna start my own gossip column. And in it, I'm gonna detail how another mans cock near your wife, is always bad.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007):

Let her do it, give her your blessing. My wife did the same thing and she still loves me, better to know what she is doing than push her into cheating on you. Just make sure she has safe sex with another man. Put it in her mind that your doing this because you love and trust in her.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007):

Mate, im gutted. she loves you then she should be with YOU, not them. ask her why she even wants sex with them in the first place. be ashamed that you allowed her to do these things in front of you. you must be realy insecure to allow that. im not being offensive, i just thought you should know.

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A male reader, Richard_EMids United Kingdom +, writes (15 December 2007):

Richard_EMids agony auntHey - glad you were able to work it out.

Richard

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

For those of you curious how things went we did meet him that evening. He is a nice guy, we all went out had dinner all three of us together. They were being cute and teasing each other in front of me and it was cool. When we got home we all got comfortable had drinks. I kissed her then she kissed him. It went real smooth, they made out for a good while, and did some oral in front of me. Then they excused themselves into the bedroom and I gave them more privacy. They were in there until the morning hours, so I think they hit it off well! Sure I was feeling left out, but it felt good knowing my wife enjoying herself without sneaking around. They did use condoms.

My wife has reassured me that everything is ok, she still loves me and she always proves it we still make love steady…in fact having him over has made her more excitable, she tells me what they did in bed and that she’s impressed with his size… We had him over a couple more nights since. This is working out ok, but I tell my wife we have to be with other couples soon to even the score, and she agreed. This new thing with our new friend I just see him as her new toy, and he fills in because I can’t keep up with my wife’s pace….so I don’t mind it so much….

Could this be love?…I don’t think so. My wife tells me he’s a bit of a jerk and a playboy, so he does see other women. She just likes him and its working out as just sex. Of course he’s crazy about her, my wife is very hot, but he knows where things stand.

Im thanking all for the advice here, it helped me think this through, and I’m ok now.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007):

you should learn to distinguish between body and her, if she is comfortable with another guy does'nt mean that she is uncomfortable with you. for e.g. you like pizza it doesnt mean that you hate another food item ,why to be always on sex prefernce, take it easy and have a mature talk with her. I think that she loves you and will always.

intemacy doesnt mean love tha she is currently having with another guy.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007):

My wife and I are swingers. Been for four years now. Our first rule: No solos or fooling around on the side. Either we both play, or not at all. Our second rule: No kinky or rough stuff. Our third rule: Condoms are an absolute must. We don't engage in threesomes or orgies. Swapping with another couple only. Preferably married. We have both enjoyed swinging with no adverse effects on our marriage. I can't speak for the other couples we have been with. We are both able to separate out the sex from getting emotionally involved with anyone else. I find it thrilling to stand before a woman for the first time examining her body, then getting into bed with her for a first time experience. She doesn't necessarily have to be a cutie and some aren't. We are in our mid thirties and have experienced several couples in their late forties. About our limit in older but open. Many wives I have found enjoy the newness and adventure as much as I do. If any are bashful about sex, or have any misgivings, they shouldn't be swinging. In my personal experience, swinging is not necessarily a man's game forced upon reluctant wives who do it because they are being pressured by their husbands. Of course, there are exceptions. We try to avoid those type of situations. This is not a lifestyle for everyone. I have met wives who can get into the game with the same enthusiasm I do, leave their inhibitions outside the bedroom door, and can totally let themselves go wild. My kind of woman. My wife and I are very particular about the couples we choose. By being very picky, most of our experiences have been very positive. We have had repeats with this one particular couple, early thirties, and see them on a somewhat regular basis. Believe it or not, we have become the best of friends. We are not the slightest bit uncomfortable around each other.

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A female reader, pgissyd United Kingdom +, writes (30 November 2007):

pgissyd agony aunthmmmm. are you into voyerism? have you thought about filming this to enjoy with your wife later? Obviously you would need the guys consent as well as your wifes, but you really could be involved then.

its up to you, but make sure you lay down all the rules first.

Make sure he uses protection, makesure they dont get emotionally involved and so on.

Its not so odd as you may think, Ive certainly been in a similar situation, though not exactly the same.

on the alternate hand. Its good you have come to a compromise, but I seriously doubt you are truely comfortable with the whole thing.

the thing with swinging, is that you rarely ever see the other couple again, certainly not on a day to day basis, she is working with this guy is she not? so how are you going to feel when he is over every other night and you and your wife no longer have sex together?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for all your feedback. I have discussed what I feel about this with my wife, and we had a long discussion. I asked her straight out why are you doing this? Don’t I satisfy you enough? She told me it was purely for sex with him, she thinks he’s attractive and isn’t looking for anything more than sex. And I do have to admit her appetite for sex is bigger than mine. She’s the initiator most of the time.

Well, its like this. What made me most uncomfortable was that they would be all secret about it since He doesn’t want me in the same room when they have sex. My wife asked him if an mmf would be ok, but he says he won’t do it that way. I talked to him on the phone to get to know him, he seems like a cool guy, and real nice…He just tell me likes her and it was actually her idea that they hook up, he’s not interested in breaking up our marriage, and that made me feel better.

I agreed with a compromise where he could come over and my wife can hook up with him, but Only here at the house where I can make sure its ok. So we are having him over this Saturday night. My wife agreed to this too. She also promised me that if they like it and want to hook up again, it will always be with my consent. Yes I can see this could be cheating, and I’m allowing it, I guess….but its not so bad knowing that she’s safe at home here during her fun with him. My wife and I have sex almost every night, so I don’t think this will be a threat.

I’m feeling better about it. I let her have sex with men before anyway, thing is I was partnered with the other girl and in the same room. I really love my wife and her happiness means a lot to me. This is what she wants, I’m kind of stuck. I know this is unusual for a lot of people to think, but I think I can accept her hooking up with this guy…I just want to be a part of it, and not have this done behind my back. At the end of the night she is still my wife and I can have sex with her anytime.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2007):

Let's call it what it is. Your wife wants your consent to cheat. You both swing but there has been 'rules', you and she adhered to. Your swinging lifestyle has always involved couples who are attached to others and it's been just for sex and fun. It takes a very secure couple to swing because they open up the ultimate, private intimacy they share together, and invite others into their bedroom. Now, she's changing that. So this just got personal. If she met him at work then she very, very likely has talked to him a lot. She's built a friendship, an emotional bond. Hearyfelt feelings may becoming involved here. I call that a possible Red Flag!. And he's single. Has he got a partner he loves? If not, you may have a big problem. With swinging couples, there has to be respect for the other's feelings and apprehensions about potential sexual situations that crop up. With all the positive aspects you point out to your swinging lifestyle..there is an insidious flip side and I think this is it. So you ask, are you wrong in feeling this is a little beyond the swinging? No you aren't wrong. This is your marriage, an important, committed state of coupledom..and you are seeing a potential threat here and she needs to know that, plainly and very clearly. I suggest you tell her that. Because your feelings should be respected. Ask her not to do this and see what she says. I'm hoping she'll 'love you'enough to understand your apprehensions and concerns. I truely am. Because if she does go ahead and does this without your consent, the immense trust that you both abide to, could be shattered and there could be a significant drop in the emotional intimacy between you and your wife. And your marriage could implode, over time due to feelings of mistrust and lack of respect. This is what happens when you open the sexual boundaries of your marriage to just anyone. Your wife is taking this 'swinging' lifestyle a step further and I suggest you tell her NO and what her actions are doing to you.

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A male reader, hmm... Norway +, writes (29 November 2007):

Experiences are crucial for the way we percieve the world. Once you have some experience it becomes normal to you. You say it happened to me so it is probably happening to others too, so it's acceptable.

You need to say to yourself openly what you want! look yourself in the mirror and say i want my relationship to look like this! How close you are to those goals? what do you need to change to get there?

It is not you wife's fault to think like this. We teach each other what's normal!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2007):

I agree. This is trouble coming.

Swinging is largely justified by the idea that the extra people liven things up between the original two. But extra people behind closed doors does not include you at all and makes it entirely her experience alone.

There will be a wide range of opinions on this, but I would personally not allow it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2007):

This is a dangerous game. My wife and I consented to have sex with other partners alone for a one time fling. My wife not only went back and had sex with him without my permission again, she also started having sex with a few coworkers and was very decietful about all of this. The situation opens the door for decietful cheating and an end to loyalty and trust. I wouldn't allow it and if I were you, I would stop the swinging as well. Your marriage is more then likly in trouble as even if you don't allow it, she will probably start having that decietful affair anyway. Living with a cheater is not worth the effort.

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A female reader, rockelle United States +, writes (27 November 2007):

rockelle agony auntI think that you need to discuss with your wife how you feel about this particular situation. You should tell her why you do not feel comfortable with her sleeping with this guy and why it is so different from when you were "swinginging" together. Needless, to say it is never a good idea to sleep with someone you work with and another thing that should be taken into consideration is that after the sex she will still have contact with him on a daily basis (I am assuming) and it could easily turn into something else. I think that if you express your disapproval she should respect your wishes. Who knows whether she will do it against your wishes but that is where trust plays a big factor. That is the thing about bringing other people into relationships especially a marriage there is always that grey area, that causes more problems than the sex was worth. You seem like you have a open relationship with her and hopefully that will be the thing that helps you work out this situation. Good Luck.

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A female reader, pgissyd United Kingdom +, writes (27 November 2007):

pgissyd agony auntHi there, I suggest you tell her exactly what you have just told us. Tell her you are uncomfortable with it, that you enjoy the swingers but that was as a couple, your not comfortable with her going one on one without you.

There is a way round it, you could go mfm threesome, if your into the swinging scene I dont see that would have a problem.

That way you are involved, its not behind your back and so on.

However you need to find out why she wants to go solo, as it does sound like an affair, albeit a sexual; based one, an affair none the less.

Perhaps something is lacking in your relationship? I know guys have an issue with emotions and talking, but that is what you need here, you have to discuss why she feels the need for sexual relations with another guy, without you being involved, is there something going on between them? This obviously goes a lot deeper than sex, it always does with women, regardless of if she says she can separate sex and emotion, she will find that very hard. If you let her go ahead with this, solo, I think it would be the begining of the end of your marrage.

Like I said, dont just say no, explain your reasons, in detail. Try to understand why she wants to (regardless of her reasons it still no, but you need to know why) sleep with another guy, and try to find a solution you are both comfortable with.

Take care and feel free to email me, I have a personal interest in how this turns out xxxxx

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A female reader, A Cappella United States +, writes (27 November 2007):

A Cappella agony auntDon't do anything you're not comfortable with. If she wants to do this alone and you think that feels like an affair, then tell her that.

I think you two should see a counselor or a mediator, someone who can help you establish the ground rules that you can both be comfortable with.

However, if it turns out that the only relationship you're comfortable with is monogamy (not unreasonable) you may need to leave her. It doesn't sound like she's your girl.

All kinds of luck hon.

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A female reader, hello1 United Kingdom +, writes (27 November 2007):

hello1 agony auntI can understand your worry as you were there when she had sex, now she wants to do it alone. I would tell her no and say your fine with swinging but meeting up with people outside of that swinging club where I'm not there, thats a no no. You both opened a door to something here and it may be hard to close it.

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A male reader, Richard_EMids United Kingdom +, writes (27 November 2007):

Richard_EMids agony auntHmm. This seems quite simple to me unless I am missing something!!! As a couple you have gone beyond the traditional limitations of marriage. You are creating your own rules - fair enough if you are both happy. The exploration is continuing, but you have now reached your boundary. The point at which it becomes unacceptable. It's just like anything else now, you talk it through and agree what are "your rules" in your relationship. One party says what makes them feel "uncomfortable," the other takes account of this, compromises, backs off - whatever. Just like the husband that wants anal sex/oral-swallowing/etc and his wife doesn't.

Isn't that the answer or have I got this completely wrong??

Good luck

Richard

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A female reader, thatgothgirl20 United States +, writes (27 November 2007):

thatgothgirl20 agony auntI don't think you are being selfish at all, but let me ask you this, would you do the same to her?

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A female reader, Tragic Rabbit United States +, writes (27 November 2007):

Given your situation I'd just talk to her about it. If she does love you and respects you I don't think she'd go behind your back (she might be a little grumpy about it, but I don't think she'd do it anyway). Just explain it to her like you explained it to us: You're okay with swapping out, but her going solo crosses a line for you. If she does turn around and sleep with him anyway then it's time to evaluate your relationship, since this means she obviously dosn't respect your wishes.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2007):

Not it all off-both of you! Sex is intended for marriage, between a husband and wife. You might not know it know, but what you have done and what you continue to do will destroy you emotionally. Why the heck did you get married if you intended to do this? In my mind it is disgusting and cheating. You must not really love each other like you claim, because if you did you wouldn't be able to bear this. I will pray that you make the right decision.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico + , writes (27 November 2007):

Danielepew agony auntYour lifestyle means that either of you can have sex with someone else. I had trouble seeing the difference between her having sex as part of swinging and her having "solo" sex. However, I see your point. This time it looks like she has a personal interest in this guy that might perfectly go beyond mere sex.

Sorry, I don't see how you can prevent this from happening. In any relationship, swinging or no swinging, one of the parties might become interested in someone else. Like you said, there is a perfect possibility that she will have sex with him anyways, with or without your consent. But, there is also the possibility that she will become romantically interested in that other person.

This is a sign that your marriage is in trouble. I guess you should discuss this with her first. But, she will never admit there is more than mere sex to it.

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