A
male
age
51-59,
*nonymous37
writes:i have been with my wife for nearly 20 years, she tells me her feelings aren't the same for me anymore. she has lost alot of weight in the past six months,she seems so confused, i have told her to see a doctor but she wont, now she wants to leave me, i am trying desperatley to save our marriage. what should i do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): My wife of 9 years just did the same thing. Just let her leave. When she does, don't say anything damaging that will make her not want to come back. Tell her you love her, and that you will support whatever she wants. I know it's hard, but that's what I did, and now she's coming back. She just starting seeing a therapist, and says she wants to come back.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): I too am sorry for your situation. I too am in the same situation. I've been married for 8 years. Unfortunately, I've allowed work to interupt my relationship. Prior to marriage we dated and I/we were so romantic etc. Afterwards I had issues with staff at work and my routine at work in the IT field. I love my wife but she is tired of us being together and that she is confused. she's been abused by family, friends, and former boyfriends. We attend Church weekly and are in the choir. The lyrics move me and I try to associate them at home.I ask for prayer in our situation as I do for you. She say's it is too late for my trying to resort to who I was when we dated. But that was over 8 years ago. As I write this, I am on the couch....she wants her space. She said she'd move out but cannot afford too at the moment. She said that she has tried to please people for so long and that she was dependant upon me. I've trying explain that during our courtship...not to be dependant upon anything/one except our Lord, Jesus Christ and that it is not either of us that can make each other happy by what we do. She always bought gifts etc that she thought I liked. I'm easygoing and do not require material things to prove anything of emotional value...just a hug once in a while....which I realize that that is what she's being saying all along..which I slacked off for the past few years. She doesn't even feel sexual at all. For you, show her some love....give her a big hug! Pray for the vows made to true. Continue to talk it out!Until we meet again, may God with you and keep you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2007): I recently went thru the same thing. I did not want a divorce after 20 years of marriage. It became a bit ugly on her part. I knew at least part of her was very depressed, the other was anger. I wrote her an email, something she couldn't interupt and told her that if she was not willing to do anything to help herself, I was not going to stay with her and wasn't taking any blame for her choice. I let her know that I still loved her and was willing to work it out or to end it now. It took a few days for her to tell me her feelings and became aware how depressed she really was. Her family seemed to side with me and were more help for the both of us. I would not bring any friends into this issue. We lost 2 good friends over our talking to them about our problems. On the other hand she may have lost weight because she is seeking some new romance, she is tired and bored at home. She may have had an affair and found it exiting fun and pleasurable. She may want out because she wants her freedom to do whatever with whoever whenever she wants. If thats the case, run and don't look back. She's not worth it.
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A
female
reader, Cateyes  +, writes (18 July 2007):
 If you could be a little more specific, I think more of us could try and assist you or at least give you some options. Why does she feel her feelings are not the same? How and why did she lose weight? Why do you say she is confused? Why did you ask her to see a doctor, is she physically ill or did you mean mentally there is a problem? Have the both of you been having any sort of problems that lead up to this or did she just spring it on you?
If you could answer some more for us, we could try to assist better.
Thanks.
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A
female
reader, LauraE  +, writes (17 July 2007):
It is difficult to tell from your question what is going on with your marriage. Is the weight loss a planned thing as part of a diet and fitness regime? Maybe she is having an early ‘mid-life crisis’. If she has just stopped eating and is confused about what she wants, then she might be depressed, but not realise it.
Ask her to talk to you about her worries. Say that you won’t try to ‘fix’ it or make her do anything that she doesn’t want to. I know you do want to fix it, but it would be better not to put this pressure on her. If she will talk, be prepared to listen, and not criticise what she ways or defend yourself if she criticises you. This will be really hard, but letting her speak is the important thing. This isn’t about you taking all the blame for any problems in your marriage, it’s about getting her to talk to you.
If this doesn’t help, does she have a close friend that you can speak to in confidence? Maybe she would know more than you about what is going on. Whether she knows or not, she would want to help, and maybe your wife would listen to her advice more readily than yours. She might be persuaded by a second opinion to see her doctor. Whilst all this is going on, just make it clear that you love her, will not pressure her, and will listen to her if she wants. If you don’t push her at all, hopefully she won’t move out. If she does, she might come back after having time to think, so do all you can to keep communication open with her. Good luck.
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