A
male
age
41-50,
*ates
writes:My wife told me of her sex life before, she would go on no strings attached websites and meet men ...3 sums , now I feel sick my wife was passed around groups and used as a sex toy and she loved it , now I can't even look at her, what should I do?
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her past, sex life, sex toy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2014): Hello,
You are suffering from what is known as RJ. I have battled with it for YEARS and I am a female. I found a great site that could offer help, as it explains why some of us suffer with such thoughts about our partners past, while others do not.
http://retroactivejealousy.blogspot.co.uk/2011/08/how-to-get-over-her-past.html
I have nothing to do with the site, but it has helped me understand why I feel the way I do. But RJ cant be cured, only managed.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (18 April 2014):
 Hi, you've had lots of responses. Can you provide more detail or a followup?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2014): Yes OP why not enlighten us and follow up because we are all GUESSING your situation, for example Male anon has written a novel on your life and feelings when in reality he knows 4 lines about you.OP at no stage have said how or when or why you found out about your wife's past, and this is a cricial part of getting your answers. I don't think the type of sex someone has defines their true self, true self does not come from the physical. Male anon, It's just amazing how the Original Posters story keeps getting imagined 'made up' interpritations that are in reality the only bullshit flying around here.factual point anon: ( How could he fall in love with the "real" wife when she has been hiding that side of herself from him all this time? She was NOT HIS WIFE at the time remember his words 'in her past'.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 April 2014):
Is there going to be a follow up from the OP providing more background? That would help the aunts provide appropriate advice.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2014): Whoa now. I have to call bullshit on that. It is not ridiculous that the OP has a different set of values than his wife's. What's ridiculous is that she kept her different values a secret until now, and then sprung it all on him and its all his problem to change how he feels to make the conflict go away. Imagine if the tables were turned:What if the OP's wife had been totally open about her past when they were dating, and the OP had kept it a secret that he was NOT okay with a wild casual sex past? What if he pretended to be fine with her values, married her, and then sprung his true values on her? What if he suddenly told her that he felt completely turned off and ashamed of her actions, and she needed to start feeling horribly guilty and ashamed of her past now? How fair would that be? In principle that is the same kind of bait-and-switch that the OP's wife has done. It would be bullshit to pretend that the OP's wife just didn't know her values and history might be a problem for him. She wouldn't have completely hidden this side of herself all through the dating stage and early marriage unless she sensed that it would be an issue. She knew it and she kept quiet to fool him about her. To present a different image from her true self, because he would be more likely to fall for that image than the real her. He fell in love with the phony image, at least partly. How could he fall in love with the "real" wife when she has been hiding that side of herself from him all this time? Now she whips out this totally different side of herself, and he is supposed to accept it unconditionally? He is supposed to change his values however it takes to get rid of any bad consequences for her past choices and lies? He has been tricked into a marriage with an irreconcilable difference AGAINST HIS WILL! How on earth can it possibly be fair to misrepresent yourself to your partner and then expect them to feel however you want about the hidden parts of you later? In fact I will suggest that SHE was not showing him unconditional love. She tricked him into this situation because it would get her what she wanted from him (a marriage) even if it caused him deep permanent emotional pain when she revealed the truth later. That is not unconditional love. If she loved him unconditionally then she would have let him go be with someone who is a better moral match for him even if it cost her what she wanted.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): Why are people saying that the poster is DISGUSTED with his wife? I don't recall reading the word disgusted in his post. What he says is 'he can't even look at her' WHY?It could be TRUTH that is a relevant word here.Did she lie about her past?Did she cheat in her past?Did she mislead him?We all have differences in what we class as 'clean sex' for some it is no more than a physical sport, recreational fun , experimental , colourful experiencies, tantric, whatever, it is between the couple, threesome, group, or solo. To be disgusted (if this is the case) is to have a one way system. Life happens and as I said before, we are not perfect. If he holds her ransom to her past and I reiterate 'her past' then it's fair to assume that the he has no past and is perfect. Ego's create images they love whereas love has no image, it takes it simply as it is. If his pains were out of love for her, then he would be comforting her because of HER past, (not that she did anything wrong anyway) his pains are for himself for some unknown reason and lets not forget he was'nt even present in her past. Ridiculous.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): Op, you don't give much info as to your situation or the events that led to this revolution. Unfortunately I also share your experience but am older and a few years down the road from the discovery of my wife's past life. I am a generous and considerate person and have no problem with jealousy or ego but still don't comprehend the pain and self-loathing I have suffered for several years. I have rationalised the cause as a severe difference in the "meaning" of sex, I avoid using the word "value" although I think it applies very well. For most people sex is used as proof of fidelity, for some a sign of love, for others a bit of fun. Everyone has their personal freedom to do and feel as they wish. The problem comes when you fall in love but don't realise that you differ in this important issue.When we are in a close relationship we forget the other person has led a totally different life and different experiences. You assume because you get on so well that you must be two peas from the same pod. In reality often nothing could be further from the truth. When it comes to sex you think you are showing love and how special the other person is, but for your partner they are showing what? How to have fun? I don't know the answer. Certainly it is a different meaning, I have only had great sex with a small number of women that I really deeply loved, and she has had sex with dozens of guys some she never knew their names and most she can't , I think everyone will agree that, on some level, sex has a totally different meaning. By having sex with you it is very hard to believe this person is showing they love you, because they had sex with total strangers.You ask what you can do? I'm sorry but there is no magic wand here. You can just try to forget, but even after years the pain will still be there. You must at least understand her life and how she got to where she is, and that now she is a different person and the remorse you feel towards her will be replaced by sadness. She did nothing wrong, what she did felt normal so there was nothing special to tell you about her life.Do you have children? If not then the easiest thing is to politely take a break from each other. Maybe try and make a new start with this person that now seems different to you. Be warned she will probably not be able to understand what is wrong with you. She will either think you are having an affair, gone crazy, or just want to punish her, maybe she will think all at the same time.If you want to stay together it is harder, unlikely she can change so you have to accept her lifestyle choices, realise sex isn't always growndshiftingly significant. You are not meeting her halfway here, you have to come all the way to her viewpoint. A few casual flings will help you realise how meaningless sex can be and how you were wrong to make such an issue of it.I wish you good luck, you will need it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): I'm a woman who is just as disgusted by my husband's sexual history. I am so sick of people who say it's just men who get upset. To the original poster: I know exactly how you feel. I do not have any answers, but I wanted to chime in and say that your feelings are valid and have nothing to do with you having a bruised ego or jealousy. Sometimes, two people can meet, fall in love, get married, but not be on the same page sexually. It happens, I know it happened to me. I saw some signs, but more and more upsetting information keeps coming out. I am not jealous, my ego is not bruised, I am purely disgusted. I'm guessing you feel the same way.Good luck to you. I'll keep watching this page for advice because I don't know what to do myself.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): What's wrong with a little fun in the sheets? Look mate, you may interpret it as being used but if anything, she had her fun. I don't know why peeps go digging in the past if they're not prepared to deal with the consequences. Water under the bridge I say. What's done is done. And hey, she chose you and not them.
Btw, I do think your ego is hurting and not the true you. Usually these escapades are expected of men and not women.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 April 2014):
 The man who cheated on his ex wife was legally married to his ex wife, and had committed himself , in front of witnesses, to stay faithful. He did not have the right to cheat.
The OP's wife, at the time of her shenanigans, was not married to the OP ( and, hopefully, neither to any other guy ), and , as objectionable her sexual choices may sound to some, she was in her full right to do whatever she wanted with her body and give it to any number of men , or women.
The cheating husband broke a formal contract, and this is morally reproachable from a social, objective point of view.
The promiscuous girl is morally reproachable only from the personal, subjective point of view of certain individuals. The OP has a problem with women having a colorful sexual past, -same as he might have a problem with women who dress in pink or who own chihuahuas. That may feel wrong for HIM- indisputable, tastes are tastes. But he can't pass it off like something legally, socially, objectively wrong as breaking a marital contract.
Quite a relevant difference.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (8 April 2014):
doug - yes - many here are posting the past is the past, unless you look at the thread where the guy cheated on his ex-wife, where clearly this isn't the case....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2014): Some people have made me jealous and bruised my ego. But I don't recall feeling disgusted and unable to look at them. Some people have made me feel disgusted and unable to look at them. I don't recall them bruising my ego and making me feel jealous. Ego and jealousy issues are COMPLETELY different from feeling disgusted by someone. They are not even in the same ballpark. The OP sounds purely disgusted by his wife's actions. Its ridiculous that anyone responds by trying to make this into an issue of his jealousy or ego.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (8 April 2014):
 i don't have a lot of information on how long you have been married to her, why see disclosed this information now ? every thing we do in life effects someone else for the good, or for the bad. you say she loved it, when she confessed to you now is she sorry that it happened ? doe,s she have regret now over her past? the way i see it you only have one choice if you love her and that is give her unconditional love. people saying the past is the past is crap. that doe's not help you now. people getting on you is not helping things out. you are the one that got the shock of news from the one you love, you are the one that got blind sided, and maybe even misled? you cant look at her not from hate, but because you do love her. you can't stand the thought of her giving her self to be used by people that don't care a thing about her, and it hurts you deeply. the only thing i can suggest is seek a marriage counselor or church pastor to confide in for counsel for you both to work through this.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (8 April 2014):
I cannot for the life of me fathom how anyone could get married without having all of this information beforehand. Say what you want, but its your right to ask. If you found out and still got married, that's on you. If they lie, then its on them and IMO grounds for divorce.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): Was that because ' she loved it'? does this make you feel bad? Understandable that you feel a little bit shocked, but why on earth have you both only just opened up this can of worms now? Did you give her your trust and then can't deal with the truth?Was it said in an argument?Sex toy's come in a lot of different forms, have you ever had a wank? if yes, then you used YOURSELF as a sex toy. So many different ways to look upon this, and the sad fact is that LOVE obviously must not really be there from your side, because your PERFECT IMAGE of what you expect your wife to be like has shattered, even casting this PERFECT IMAGE into HER past. Who did you marry? the person or the IMAGE now shattered?Tell me you are perfect and I will tell you that she was wrong (but, you can not tell me that you are perfect can you? as I can not tell you that I am perfect). We are human, full of errors and mistakes, regrets and lessons learned. This part of her past to her may hold no regrets and no errors but to you it does, so decide what or who you want as a wife, a perfect image that was made in your moral likeness.Why can't you look at her? Has she broke your heart or ego?I hope you have never watched porn for your sex toy.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 April 2014):
 Your submittal makes it clear that you have no intention of being with this woman.... since you find her past so offensive.....
Soooo, the "answer" to your question ("... what should I do?") is to simply break-up with her.... You needn't make a big issue of it... simply tell her that you are no longer enamored of her (as you - apparently - had been) and you want to go your separate ways...
Good luck....
P.S. Some of the Uncles on here may want her phone number... but it would be inappropriate for you to send it to them....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014):
I think I need to ask are you jealous or just totally disgusted and bewildered by her past behaviour??
How did the conversation came around?
The reason I ask as if It were me, I would probably be the latter and I think my whole view of my husband would change.. Especially if I had no idea before marriage, not that he wasn't allowed to be with anyone prior to me ( if he had) but the fact that I myself think that threesome are just wrong .. ( sorry if anyone has done them not judging honest ) and I wouldn't want to be with someone who had..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): A tough one to deal with, I see why you're struggling, but at the same time, you have to remember that this was in the past, she doesn't do it anymore and you yourself no doubt have past issues, possibly not as big as this and not in the sexual sense, but there's no use punishing her for something she did before she even married you.
Think more closely about this, don't jump and you really shouldn't judge her, judge yourself and let her judge her own actions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): Think of it this way; she didn't harm anyone or cause any damage. So her past is not the problem. Your way of seeing it is the problem. So the onus is on you to fix what is your problem.
The fact that you are disgusted with what is morally ok to her shows a lack of compatibility between you two.
Unless you can be more tolerant/ liberal/ less judgemental I don't see how you can get past this.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (7 April 2014):
 I'm very sorry to hear you are going through this.
Did you have to pry this out of her or did she volunteer the information? I'm usually a believer in the past staying the past but for something this big and with so much potential to come out later (as it did) the time for her to be honest with you was BEFORE you married.
There has been a great deal of excellent advice given about "retroactive jealousy" on past posts similar to yours, so you might find a search of the site provides some useful coping mechanisms.
That said, there are many shades of RJ, varying greatly in severity. Yours sounds quite serious. As long as you're this adamant about your disgust with her, I see only two options here:
1) Extensive professional counseling (for you), as her past isn't something she can change and nor can she undo the fact you now know about it;
2) Leave. Possibly the best option if you have no kids and/or haven't been married long. Going from complete disgust with someone back to marital love is going to take time, care, and patience - if it's even possible in your case. Take a careful look at what's invested in your marriage when deciding how you wish to proceed.
Best wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): Try and forget about it..its her past..dead past..you know some things are better left unsaid..she shoudnt have told you at all because now you will never forget it.you will imagine her doing those things whenever you guys make love and its not good..its best you try to forget about
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