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My wife tells me she loves me but is not in love with me?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Faded love, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 July 2011) 11 Answers - (Newest, 9 July 2011)
A male Australia age 36-40, *ath2992 writes:

Hello everyone this is my first time on here and thank everyone for any advice you can give me?

Almost 2 months ago my wife of 10 years wakes me in the middle of the night to tell me she loves me but not in love with me, we have been together for 15 years married 10 years have 3 beautiful children, it was a big shock to me as I thought everything was going very smoothly we would tell each other all the time we loved each other cuddle all the time, kiss all the time hold hands in the street and always make love, but something changed for here to wake me and tell me it was over she is no longer in love with me, we have talked lots and she says she is happy and a weight has lifted off her shoulders but it leaves me very confused as to what happened after it being going so well to now nothing, I love here to bits and have since got our own separate houses I have one of our kids full time and she has our other 2 children full time we are still talking terms, but nothing else, I know she tells me there in no one else, and it's neither our faults and she had a feeling about 7 months ago but was not sure what it was until she said it become clear she no longer loved me, but around 7 months ago she had a partial hysterectomy keeping her ovaries no hormone treatment needed but reading lots on the internet about this can have an effect on relationships ? It has taken until a few days ago almost 2 months after the separation for here to really talk to me about it she says she does not really know why but lots of little things building up to it now I’m not silly every relationship has their problems but once known can be worked out and fixed but she is very sure of here self that she does not want to fix this, getting back to the not cheating I’m 100% sure this is not going on as here movement and lifestyle with kids is pretty busy leaving zero time for any other person in her life my profession is a computer network technician if need be I can find out things on computers that I should not but sometimes you just have to know and I found nothing or no one that could lead to here cheating on me I trust in what she tells me, I am seeing a physiologist but she refuses saying they don't help and had been to them as a child and just refuses to go talk to anyone she does say she will see one if I want here to but I want here to go on her own accord not because I have forced here to go, if anyone can give me any good advice on how to deal with this situation I would be much appreciated Thanks.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (9 July 2011):

Danielepew agony auntTake good care, Nath.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2011):

Nath its only a pleasure.

I work in the legal industry and have seen many good people get screwed. Don't let this happen to you.


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A male reader, Nath2992 Australia +, writes (9 July 2011):

Nath2992 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks all to that has replied to my question much appreciated I needed to here all your responces it has opened my mind to a lot of things Im not going back there and never will the last person love girl nailed it on the head she is walking all over me and don't give a shit so bugger it im out for good and getting my assets in order before the divorce I have to in my country wait 12 months before divorce can go through it going to be a long few months but can see the light at the end of the tunnel thanks again to each and everyone of you

Regards to all


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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011):

now is the time to do your financial homework.

your wife has disinvested from your marriage BUT she is still entitled to destroy your world WHEN the divorce goes through.

dont be a fool. i know you are hurting but remember, she planned all this. she knew she wanted out.

don't spend your life waiting around.

spend it being pro active.

your wife is not coming back. as hard as it is, understand this, accept it BUT use it to your advantage.

you have been given 2 schools of thoughts: either wait it out or for you to accept is over: but whatever happens, protect your assets. your heart may be breaking but at least get the lions share.

also, stop being such a nice guy. they usually come last because people walk all over them. your wife has done the same to you.


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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (6 July 2011):

Danielepew agony auntI think the anonymous female told it like it is. I just would qualify my previous post, in view of what she wrote: I don't think she is leaving you, poster, because of another man. But I do think that, if you stay together "for the sake of", someone will fill the gaps in your heart and hers.

Flynn: your statement means that these two people should stay together because of their marriage vows, despite the fact that she doesn't love him anymore. It's impractical in most cases, and I don't think it makes sense to keep two people in such unhappiness.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011):

Am I the only one who thinks that if you aren't truly willing to follow your wedding vows through you shouldn't get married in the first place.

You day you will do all this stuff for each other until death parts you, so you damn well live up to that.

I apologise if this is unhelpful, but I have been raised to believe that you live up to your promises or you don't make them at all.

Flynn 24

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011):

Your wife isn't hormonal. There is nothing psychologically wrong with her. She doesn't need therapy. She isn't confused. In fact she knows exactly what she wants and is taking steps to achieve it. And she feels liberated.

Most of the time when a woman ends a long relationship it isn't for another man. By that time she's had about enough of men, commitments and sacrifice. She just wants her life back.

It seems out of the blue for you because for YOU the marriage was great. It may have had its good points, but obviously it wasn't great for her and she wants it over.

There isn't anything more she can say to you that will help you understand. She has explained it as best she can. You're just going to have to come to terms with this on your own. The fact that you're both still getting on well will help everyone.

I'm sure there are some good books out there that might help give you some insight. Check out your local library. And certainly go ahead with therapy for yourself if you think it will help. Just don't make it a way of life.

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A female reader, raiders United States +, writes (5 July 2011):

raiders agony auntI feel that you shouldn't give up and call it quits if you don't want to. Hope is the last thing you should lose and if you still want to save your marriage than go for it. You suggested counseling but she refused, a counselor might work but she must see a reason for trying to save her marriage and if she no longer feels love for you than she will not seek help. What I suggest is dating her again. Try to rekindle the love and excitement that 15 years of marriage takes away. Buy her flowers takes her to the movies, take her to dinner, make it a date with no kids around. Win her again I feel that if you make her feel like a teenager again feeling butterflies in her tummy because her hot date is going to take her out, she will focus less in a divorce. I feel that if your not ready to call it quits than fight for your wife.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011):

Yes, I too feel the things can happen this way also. Actually what i feel is that the life is so full of fantacies, changes, moods and every thing matters a life.I'm also undergoing a kind of thing that i don't feel about my spouse the way i used to feel in my early marriage years.I now only have a kind of responsibility feel,and not a sort of love like thing. Sometimes i feel an other person influencing me more but i understand that it is wrong.Though i feel more enthusiastic with that person, but yet, spouse is at the highest rank and in a stronger bond. So i believe this is just a matter of timely mood and if given sufficient time, it may change again and she would come back to you.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (5 July 2011):

Danielepew agony auntIn my humble opinion, love is clearly over. There is no such thing as "I love you but I'm not in love with you". Things can't be their own self and the opposite at the same time. In simpler terms, either you are in love, or you aren't; you are A, or you aren't.

This kind of things doesn't happen out of the blue. Probably the relationship wasn't working, but love crept its way out of her heart only very little by very little.

Now you have to decide what you will do. My impression is that this marriage will end in divorce sooner or later. So I think you need to be ready for that, emotionally and practically. Be ready to make the transition peacefully and amiably.

I beg to differ with the other two aunts. I don't think the love will return. It never does once a woman tells you she isn't in love with you anymore.

I also beg to differ with SexlessintheUK. You don't have to wait and see what she does. If you did that, you'd be putting your own life in somebody else's hands, which is a terrible thing to do for anyone.

My advice: don't stay married "for the sake of the kids", or "to give her time". You have been told that you're not loved, and you have to react to it in the ways that are appropriate for you and your kids. This, of course, doesn't mean mistreating your wife.

In this kind of situations it is only likely that one of the partners, or both, will cheat. Don't cheat; if you are to be involved with someone else, do it once you're divorced and everything is final. Make it clear to her that your good manners will end if she cheats.

I think you're holding on to hope. Hold on to reality instead.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (5 July 2011):

aunt honesty agony auntI guess there is not a whole lot you can do here I am afraid. Off course it was going to come as a huge shock to you. You thought you where happy and you where both together for a very long time. I guess in her head she feels like the love is gone and am sorry to say sometimes these things happen. Am sure she didn't mean for it to happen and she is probably upset about it as well. It is obvious that it was on her mind for quite some time she was just unsure about how to tell you.

As you know yourself this is her choice and there is nothing you or anybody else can say or do to make her change her mind. All you can do now is be there for your children and show her that you still care about her deeply. Who knows what the future may hold. Somewhere down the line she may see that she made a huge mistake. But for the minute I think the best thing for her is to have some space on her own to think things through and figure herself out.

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