A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:[Moderator note: question edited for clarity]Me, my wife, and my girlfriend have been involved for a while. My wife has allowed this because 1) she was my ex fiance and 2)I have an over active sex drive that would make a porn star blush. My wife couldnt handle the 3 to 7 times a week I wanted to have sex.Now she is telling me I can't sleep with my girlfriend anymore. This is going to be hard when I am use to having sex with either of them 5 to 15 times a week. Why is she torturing me like this? Cutting me off so abruptly and knows all it will do is make me want both even more.
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fiance, my ex, porn, sex drive Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, quiet-echo  + ♥, writes (10 December 2009):
 It would be nice to know how this is working out for the OP.
And q1605, imagine the imprint that would leave.
A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (9 December 2009):
 I can't get mine to let me finish having sex with my girl friend if she comes in early from work and catches us.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): come to think of it Duce, i also have sex bet 3 -7 times p/w. what does this make me, average I guess!!!!!!!!!!!
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (9 December 2009):
 On the serious side:
3-7 times a week? That doesn't really seem like a high libido to me at all (rather normal IMO). Maybe you need to step back and consider the quality not the quantity of your sex life. It seems to me that your wife may feel you are not giving her the actual love she desires. Treating a woman like a queen my not be something that you get to define but rather allow her to define it.
On the lighter side:
Check this out...
http://www.fleshlight.com/
It may not fulfill your ego trip but it sure will keep you out of trouble.
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (9 December 2009):
I like your style and it was fun while it lasted. You may want to back off your position while you still have a pair of nuts. Unless you want to sing soprano in the Vienna Boys Choir.
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female
reader, quiet-echo + ♥, writes (9 December 2009):
I don't see anything wrong with satindesire's post. She was making the distinction between what the OP's wife DOES want and what he THINKS she wants. It was a very good point. Nothing laughable about that.
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female
reader, Miss. Courtney +, writes (24 November 2009):
Wow thats crazy.. Well if your wife condoned your actions when she agreed to marry you then its kind of not right for her to expect you to change, but if she just put up with it bc she loved you or even agreed to it because at one point it was kinky and fun-- it may just be that she figured things would calm down after a while or she may just want a more grown up relationship now with more respect. If you can not figure out a way to attend to your cravings without running up in your ex fiance (or any other woman for that fact) then you may not be in love with her the way you should be.
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female
reader, Share Bear  + ♥, writes (24 November 2009):
 Male anon should win something for the funniest opening line here- I am amused!
Although Satindesire's would've been even funnier if she'd suggested that her Husband thought she wanted to awesome campfire when She really just wanted a wad of hard cash!
Bottom line is, if you 'treat her like a queen'; why are you even asking this? And why have you ever done this to her? It's easy to say that the other partner is free to roam too if you're quite sure that they're not going to.
One step at a time; respect her very basic of fidelity wishes immediately, and then move onto taking turns at the dishes and hoovering next week.
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A
male
reader, justincarin +, writes (23 November 2009):
My first day on this site, so please excuse my ignorance. I have spent a fair amount of time reading questions relating to the relationship problems and I have one answer. Instead of wasting your time on the Internet asking questions, go to the source and ask the questions. You say at first she "allowed" this, now wants it to end. So how did you converse about her desire? My guess is there isn't much talking going on. And finally, it hit me as I was writing the above, "she 'allowed' this." Get a clue. And for your porn star status, get real, it's far from any record. Maybe exercising some self control and spending some intimate time with your spouse would provide you with a better outlook on life. Obviously, I have sympathy for you.
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female
reader, quiet-echo + ♥, writes (23 November 2009):
Thanks for the follow up. That does shed a bit of light on the situation, though there is still a lot we don’t know. And it would take too long to find out.
They bottom line here is in order to encourage your wife to give you what you want you must first give her what she wants. And you’ll have to figure out what that is.
This demand of hers didn’t come out of nowhere. Something led up to it. Back track and see if you can figure out when things started to change and what else was going on at that time. I guarantee you, she’s been dropping clues.
This is not something she is doing TO you but FOR herself. For whatever reason her needs are not being met and continuing this arrangement is beyond her comfort zone. So try not to look at this as a deprivation for you, but a chance to reconnect with your wife, someone you love and who needs you right now.
There are some excellent books out there, one of which is ‘The Ethical Slut’ by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt. Another is by Dr. Deborah Anapol called ‘Polyamory – The New Love Without Limits’.
As far as what is bothering your wife, it could be anything. She might have thought this was a temporary arrangement and once you got it out of your system, things would return to normal. She may not be having much success with her own extra marital liaisons and is feeling left out and envious. Perhaps one of the kids have been acting up and need more of her time and energy, leaving less for herself and even less to spend with you. She may feel that she is being treated as girlfriend number #1, when in fact she is your wife and the mother of your children. Maybe she’s gained a bit of weight or has just gotten over an illness. At her age she could be taking stock of her life and unhappy about what she sees. Really it could be anything or a combination of things.
One word of warning, if this triad relationship is something you hope to resume be very careful how you explain any changes (temporary or otherwise) to your girlfriend. The last thing you need is resentment brewing between the women.
If I think of something more, I'll post again.
Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 + ♥, writes (23 November 2009):
 I am totally confused by the way you define treating your wife like a "queen" and with "respect". Obviously she doesn't want to play the field and no longer wants you to play the field, either. End of story. If you respect her as you say you do, you will honor her wishes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know i sound like a pig. There is alot of questions to answer her. I treat my wife like a queen. I do everything for her. Both women are the same age and have the same physique. Both have kids. Wifes are mine and gf is from another. I have always treated her with respect and both are free to play the field if they want. We have not had 3 somes. I keep our private times separated. And no none of our families know cause they wouldnt accept it.
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female
reader, arielbriane +, writes (23 November 2009):
 You should be happy with what you've got, not to be rude, but dont be such a pig. Im sure your wife tries hard enough to keep you happy, dont push it. If you cant deal with having one woman and having sex when she wants it, maybe you shouldnt be married.
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female
reader, desertrose899 +, writes (23 November 2009):
Porn stars have sex 3-7 times a day. I don't think that'd make them blush. I agree with satindesire and CaringGuy though.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009): As a RESPONSIBLE man all I can say is: waah! waah! waah! Having an active libido is no excuse for rotten behavior. And face it: you are behaving like a spoiled child!If you cared about your wife, even one iota, you would dump your girlfriend, and go get counselling for your problem. Dude!: YOU'RE the problem, not her!! I cannot believe a grown woman would settle for this arrangement, she must have very low self-esteem, and shame on you for taking advantage of that!!! I'm just glad to see that she's finally asserting herself...Do us all a favor and get her to post here and tell us HER side of the story! Sounds like SHE could use some advice and encouragement!
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 November 2009):
 Respect quiet echo.. but an ex-girlfriend hurts.. there are so many other alternatives.. but thank you for asking the questions that might help shed light on the problem.
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female
reader, fairytail +, writes (23 November 2009):
 Its simple you are selfish and put your own needs first. I think you need to grow a pair and put her needs first.
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female
reader, Carrot2000 + ♥, writes (23 November 2009):
Sounds like your wife made this agreement to keep you happy and because she wanted to keep you around, not because it takes the pressure off of her. Now she's getting tired of sharing the selfish bastard she's married to--Lord knows why she wants you to herself, but she does--and wants you to stop seeing another woman to have your needs met.You might a sex addiction. Or you just might be a jerk. Either way, your wife is not doing this to hurt you, but to spare herself.
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female
reader, quiet-echo + ♥, writes (23 November 2009):
Having or wanting sex 3-7 times a week is not abnormally high.
My knee jerk response was the same as everyone else's here, but to give you a fair shake, there is some information missing from your post.
Exactly how open is this relationship? Are you wife and girlfriend able to sleep with other men?
Was this a threesome relationship or did the two women sleep with you on separate occasions?
If your wife isn't sleeping with other men, what accomodations have you made for her to compensate for sharing you?
Is there an age difference between your wife and your girlfriend? Is one more physically attractive than another?
Has your wife experienced any recent setbacks, illness, weight gain, job loss, anything?
How much time do you spend with your wife compared to your girlfriend?
Are friends and family aware of this arrangement?
How long has this arrangement gone on for?
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A
male
reader, manaja +, writes (22 November 2009):
Its not really a high sex drive, I think maybe if your wife cant handle that amount of sex , she should have counselling! !
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female
reader, Plexi +, writes (22 November 2009):
 OMG............SERIOUSLY, i HAD TO READ IT TWICE! FOR REAL?
Do you realize that what you are doing is masturbating with both these women? What ever happened to a committed, caring relationship with ONE person and "taking the pressure off" by yourself in the bathroom if you need it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2009): You have ex-girlfriends for a reason, because you didn't love them enough to make a proper commitment. I understand you have a high sex drive, and it is difficult for your wife to keep up. In this situation you need to talk together and find a solution that will please you both. Relationships with ex-girlfriends hurt, you and her have history, feelings and it is difficult and hurtfull for your wife to deal with this. It's better you go to a prostitute, or ask her if you can masterbae to porn, at least in that case there are no feelings involved. Please talk to your wife honestly, about what you need and how you can solve the difficulties in your marriage. Your wife is a bloody saint, how would you feel if she was having sex with an ex who promised her respect, commitment and faithfullness. It works two ways babes, your failing in this marriage, it's all about you and what you want, and if you don't change and find other ways to solve your high sexual obsession, your wife will walk away and find a man that loves her and can be faithfull and only have sex with her... A high sex drive does not mean that you have to have sex with another woman, this is just an excuse to remain single and show disrespect to this unfortunate woman who has choosen to love you.. She is making noise, because it's disgusting, disrespectfull, and she's finally had enough.. the next step for her, if you don't change, is a divorce lawyer and the end of your marriage..
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female
reader, ahaa  +, writes (22 November 2009):
 One word.
EW.
Thats really all I have to say.
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male
reader, xynebrutalis +, writes (22 November 2009):
 From the sound of it, maybe your wife is feeling like that shes not good enough to satisfy you. She probably has a low self esteem from it. What you need to do is sacrifice a little of your own self need and focus on your wife's for a while. Make her happy, and I'm sure she'll return the favor. I hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy + ♥, writes (22 November 2009):
I'm thinking your wife has decided she can't take you cheating anymore and really wants you to herself. She's not torturing you, she's reaching out to you. So I would suggest you talk to her and ask her how's she's feeling. And listen carefully to what she has to say.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2009): Why is she doing this to YOU? Did you write that question right? She's not doing to you. She's doing this for herself. She's married to you, perhaps she just wants her husband back.
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female
reader, texas_princess +, writes (22 November 2009):
 I wouldn't call that many times a week anything to make a porn star blush, I would call it normal! It's a shame it's taken 2 women to handle that. My man always gets it when he wants it. If you don't want a man to stray you have to keep them happy at home! The polygamy thing never seems to have a long shelf life. The wife has been jealous for awhile and didn't want to admit it =( I don't really have any good advice for this one, wish I could be of more help. Good Luck!
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