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My wife shared a hotel room with a male colleague!

Tagged as: Forbidden love, Long distance, Three is a crowd, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 November 2011) 21 Answers - (Newest, 10 November 2011)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Is it ever OK for a married woman to spend the night in a hotel room with another man?

My wife has been working at this new job for 2 years. The company scheduled an out of town trip for seminars which will help her get a promotion that she is in very good position to get.

I was going to go, and her company said that was fine but we would to pay for our own hotel room since there were 4 females and 6 males going so the company was paying for 5 rooms, and if I went we'd have to get our own room. I said no problem, we have lots of money. My wife showed me the schedule and said I should figure out what sight-seeing I should plan because her day is booked from 7:30 am until after 5:00pm. After thinking about it, and just being a third wheel, I decided not to go on this trip.

Well, my wife came home and told me that her 'roommate' for the trip, and this other guy hooked up, so she felt displaced from the room. She ended up going to the hotel bar for drinks, and the other guy's roommate was there and complaining that he thought he was going to get kicked out of his room.

Well, it ended up that this other couple ended up back in my wife's room, so she went to this other guys room to watch TV. She even called me to tell me what happened while she was in this guys room watching a movie on TV. I said no problem, watch the movie, order room service or something, then go back to your room, and make your 'roommate' kick the guy out. They should be done with whatever they are doing by then.

She came home, and told me that when she tried to go back to her room the deadbolt was on, and she felt very embarressed and intruding, so she went back to the room with this other guy. They ended up spending the night in his room, but in seperate beds. I'm not feeling very good about this. There was some drinking involved in the bar, and spending the night in some guy's room, even in 'seperate' beds just seems wrong to me. My wife says she is sorry and understands why I'm upset, but thinks I'm making a bigger deal out of it than need be.

I trust my wife, and believe her that it was innocent, but in my mind, it is still wrong for a married woman to spend the night in another man's hotel room, innocent or not. Also, what if other work people saw her leave his room in the morning, this can start all kinds of rumors and ruin my wife's reputation. Am I wrong to think that this is kind of a big deal? I mean even in seperate beds, she saw him in his underwear, saw him shaving in the morning, and saw him in a towel after his shower before they went to the 2nd day of the seminars.

View related questions: married woman, money, roommate, underwear

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (10 November 2011):

YouWish agony auntI didn't see this before:

"Any future trips that I can't go on and get our own room then my wife isn't going to be allowed to go on"

What?! No you don't. If you seriously enforce this, then you must live by the same standard and you will be allowed to go NOWHERE your wife isn't going. Are you prepared to live by the same standard? This means that you don't have the right to tell her that you're not going, nor can you have a guy's weekend, hunting or fishing weekend, or anything like that.

Marriage is about trust and freedom, so don't go around slapping trust stipulations on her like this. Not if you want to keep your marriage healthy. I also know you can't live with the same restriction on yourself.

Also:

". My wife did bitch out the other woman, but we don't think we want to go to her boss, or HR, because then it's on record that my wife spent the night with this other guy. "

"WE don't think"? This is the proper response to what happened! The IMproper response is for you to get all jealous of this other guy because she saw him undressed?

Also, you're making decisions for her again. She *should* talk to her boss. She *should* go to HR. You may view it as an offense against the marriage, but your wife was the one offended by this situation, and she deserves rectification.

This other guy is not a threat to your marriage, and your wife didn't sleep with him out of a sense of impropriety. She was honest and forthright with you during the entire incident. Don't start marking your territory and slapping restrictions on your wife, while at the same time pushing her to not speak out for her rights at work.

Otherwise, you cannot go hunting, fishing, out for a weekend, or on any business trips of your own without your wife in tow. Get it? It's best to simply learn from what happened, and NOT rush to write up a list of "not-allows".

Just chill out. Your wife is faithful. Don't start treating her otherwise. She's already feeling awkward as it is. Trust me, awkward is no aphrodisiac when it comes to this other guy, so you have nothing to fear.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (10 November 2011):

Tisha-1 agony auntIt sounds like you have a good handle on the situation and so there's nothing to worry about.

That image you have of her seeing the guy in his underwear? Um, if women found images of guys in their undies sexy or compelling Playgirl would have done a lot better. A guy in his underwear isn't all that enticing, to be honest. It kind of makes him look dorky. If you're worried she's aroused by that image, I wouldn't spend any more time fussing about it; chances are she is trying to block it from her mind too.

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A male reader, serenity80 United Kingdom +, writes (10 November 2011):

You have a good right to be upset. What happens if this guy wanted to try it on with your wife? She would have been in an awful situation and it would have been you and her left to pick up the pieces.

She should NEVER have been put in that situation. It isn't just you who should be angry at this, she should be as well, for putting her safety in danger.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (10 November 2011):

CindyCares agony aunt No offense, but your wife seems to have had a sudden attack of " I-cant-find-my-way-out-of-a-paper-bag"itis.

She found her room 's door locked and... Why didn't she knock ? Why did not she CALL the colleague on her mobile and/ or the room phone to tell her " You have 10 minutes to get rid of you friend, I need to go to bed " ? Or slip a note under the door ? Why didn't she ask the front desk for another room where to sleep alone ?...

Anyway I don't think you have anything to worry, if anything less than proper had been going on, I don't think she would have brought up the episode at all. As for seeing the guy in his underwear, or wrapped in a towel, why should have been parading around semi naked - the room had a bathroom, right ?, where he could dress and undress, and he would have brought along some pijamas or bathrobe or something ,I guess.

If I were you, I would not be so concerned about this night of forced proximity with a stranger, as about the fact that she can't even spend ONE night out of her home without putting herself in some pickle!

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (9 November 2011):

Miamine agony auntNo, doesn't seem right for her to share a room with a male colleague.... BUT!!!!!!

However, look at the circumstances.. she was locked out of her room.. she called you and told you everything...she hid nothing.

Why didn't you tell her to get another room if it bothered you so much.

This shouldn't have happened, but she wasn't having sex or an affair. She didn't plan this. I'm sure she felt uncomfortable and so did the guy.

What now... is this worth making her feel upset about it? Is this worth the happiness of your marriage.

Somebody messes up, your wife has an uncomfortable sleep, an unhappy husband, and gets the blame for something that was somebody else did.

Getting upset with your wife punishes the victim.. why don't you turn the anger on the person it belongs, the person who locked her out.

Why bring extra unhappiness into your relationship. Get your wife to put in a complaint to her work about the inadequate sleeping arrangements.

Your marriage vows talked about being faithful and loving each other. I don't believe seeing someone's towel, body or shaving kit can be classed as adultery.

In my humble opinion, love and marriage should be strong enough to get through this. You love her, you trust her, she had reason and she is faithful.. isn't that the most important thing?

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (9 November 2011):

chigirl agony auntIn reply to your first response. Trust your wife. She loves you, and seeing a co-worker in his underwear is not going to turn her into a crazy person who will now stalk this co-worker because of his amazingly naked skin, or whatever you imagine she saw that could be so incredible that it'd pose a threat to your relationship. People walk around in underwear all day on the beach or at the pool. It's okay, women and men can handle viewing skin without going bananas. So relax!

Next, you said your wife isn't "allowed" to go to future trips unless you can go? Pardon? You aren't in a position to boss your wife around. I'm sure she will agree to not go alone again as the episode was unpleasant for her as well, and she originally DID want you along, you were the one who didn't like the idea after all. However, careful with giving the impression that you own her is some way, or can make decisions on her behalf. She's a person, not an object. You marry her and get to life with her and all her senseless decisions, you don't marry her and then get to rule over her to prevent such senseless decisions. If you married a goof then respect her being who she is, you can't keep the goof under "control", the harder you try the further away you will push her.

So no telling her what she can or can't do, or else you will end up pushing her away. No one likes to be told what they are allowed to do.

PS. I see people commenting about cheating or not cheating. I don't see how her sleeping in the same room as him would mean she cheated, or run a risk of cheating. If your wife was a cheater then she'd cheat regardless of being in the same room as the man, it's not difficult to cheat if thats what you want. You don't have to get trapped in a room with them to cheat. And people who DONT cheat, well, they tend to have the discipline to not do it, regardless of the situation.

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A female reader, person12345 United States + , writes (9 November 2011):

person12345 agony auntI agree your wife needs some assertiveness classes. Sexiling is something that happens your first year of college. Not at a professional conference. I'm guessing your wife is just not a very outspoken person about this sort of thing?

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (9 November 2011):

YouWish agony auntOh man I feel your pain, and yes, it's not right that your wife stayed in a hotel room with this other guy. The offending parties were your wife's roommate and this other guy who treated this trip like an adolescent Spring Break and left your wife and this guy out to dry.

If your wife is guilty of something, it's the fact that she didn't loudly protest and demand that they go somewhere else to "hook up". She should lodge a complaint with the company she works for. I'm thinking she was scared to "make waves" and that it was even more traumatizing for her to go through this than it was for you to hear about it later.

Don't you wish you had gone? :P

Your wife should have notified the hotel itself and they should have gotten her a new room. If there wasn't a new room, they should have enforced who belonged to what room, because I guarantee that had there been damage, they would have gone after her.

She needs to stand up for yourself. As for whether or not she dishonored the marriage, I don't believe she did. She was honest and forthright with you, and I believe her heart remained loyal to you. Likewise, this other guy also honored your marriage by the separate beds and the professional emotional distance.

This needs to be addressed at work. Your wife dropped the ball when it came to being assertive, but this can't be repeated. She put herself in an awkward position by not wanting to make waves. The relationship she should be the most protective about shouldn't be her work relationships, but her marriage.

I say for you to let the incident go in terms of feeling a slight on your marriage, but a good talk about boundaries and assertiveness may go a long way. Your wife is loyal to you.

And next time, maybe go with her! :P

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 November 2011):

Honeypie agony auntI'm usure why you didn't suggest she get her own room or why she didn't just do that on her own.

I find it really unprofessional for co-workers to "hook" up on a seminar like this.

I think she called you because she was really uncomfortable about the whole situation and I don't blame her.

Tell her next time to ask for a single room. I can't see how they can "make" her share. Specially if she tells them what went down. Inappropriate.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2011):

I dont believe she would have informed you about anything if there was any indecency. I understand what you are saying,but it wasn`t her fault. I would tell her how you feel,yes,but in a way that she knows you are angry at the situation,not her.

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A female reader, person12345 United States + , writes (9 November 2011):

person12345 agony auntI honestly think she was just frazzled about being displaced. If I was in her situation I would have called to ask if it was OK, but I'd stake money on it that absolutely nothing happened. If she had cheated she wouldn't have told you any of this. Did she actually see him in his towel? I've had to share hotel rooms with guys in college and we were careful to change in the bathroom and leave the door closed, always.

It sounds like just an all around crappy situation and she just made a crappy choice. I don't think beyond you telling her how unhappy you are with it anything needs to be done.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2011):

Frankly no one can tell what went on in that hotel room other than your wife and that work collegue with her but if she says nothing happened and you have no reason to doubt her word then you should give her benefit of the doubt and forget this incident.

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A male reader, confused-abt-ex United States +, writes (9 November 2011):

I agree with the reader that told you she should go to HR. If they do not correct the issue, then your wife could file a sexual harassment charge against the company. Nobody, in their right mind would force males and females to share motel or hotel rooms.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2011):

Thanks for the quick answers already. This is my question, I didn't think I'd get answers so fast, wow.

I guess I jumped the gun with thinking she saw this guy in only a towel. Thinking back to what she said, he woke up first in the morning, went into the bathroom, she woke up, walked to the bathroom and he was standing there in his underwear finishing shaving. He said did she need to use the bathroom, he'd leave, and did she want to shower first or after him. My wife said she was going back to her room, and if the other woman wouldn't answer, she'd get the manager or a maid to use the master key. She wanted to shower in her, and all her clothes were in her room. So I guess she saw him in his underwear shaving, but not in a towel. From what my wife said, he was a perfect gentleman and really embarressed about the whole situation.

So, I guess I really can't get mad at that, if I was in that situation, I wouldn't exactly walk around in my underwear around the room, but I also wouldn't quick get dressed first before walking into the bathroom, so I guess it's an OK situation. I just am upset that this whole situation developed. My wife did bitch out the other woman, but we don't think we want to go to her boss, or HR, because then it's on record that my wife spent the night with this other guy. Any future trips that I can't go on and get our own room then my wife isn't going to be allowed to go on. If she gets slack from her boss, then she can just say her co-workers were drinking a out of control so she's not comfortable in that situation without me there.

I think the one thing that is really bothering me, since I trust my wife, and she insists this guy was so 'proper' is that now she works with this guy, sees him everyday, and has seen him in only underwear. But, I guess I'll get over it. Thanks again for the answers. I'll check later tonight to see if anyone else chimes in.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2011):

She called you and told you because she was not comfortable in that situation. I doubt anything went on otherwise she would have kept it to herself. She does not deserve grilling,but i still understand why you feel this way. She needs to avoid this happening again. I think it would be better if you went with her.

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A female reader, NennaHB Spain +, writes (9 November 2011):

NennaHB agony auntI think that if something would have happened in there, she would not have told you she slept there. I always say honesty is the best politics because otherwise, you could have found out accidentally and assumed the worst. I think you should talk about it but in a friendly manner, suggesting that if the roles were reversed, she would have become suspicious too. My guess is she told you with good intentions and trying to avoid any ulterior misunderstandings.

Of course, her 2 co-workers who hooked up were stupid enough to do it on a work trip, so I am sure people at work will have something juicy to talk about other than your wife having to share the room with another man just because they happen to have 2 co-workers who cannot keep their clothes on(after all, that's what is all about).

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2011):

ITS ABSOLUTELY NORMAL for you to feel bad about this.

1) your wife is probably a person who finds it hard to say NO to people / be assertive..and thats not gonna work,she shouldn't have slept there and simply got another room.but since she ringed you up and talked to you about it and you,TOLD HER to RETURN TO HER ROOM later..she thought it was alright and didn't make much difference anyhow,they slept on separate beds.

BUT next time she gotta be more professional and SENSIBLE!

you should i think NOT MAKE A BIG DEAL or issue out of it.however speak to her.have a talk and tell her that you understand and trust her.but the NEXT TIME ,she should book a room instead.and that its not socially correct to sleep in an enclosed room with a male colleague!

2)don't think too much over it and broil your head over it.GET OVER IT!she is honest with you and anyways she DID NOT cheat or even do ANYTHING .just that she was being dumb and didn't react sensibly to the situation..happens at times even with intelligent people :)

but yes she does need some enlightenment .she cannot afford to act like a weak teen who falls for pressure thinking that it would be rude to do this and that.it was very very inconsiderate of that couple to do that to her! atleast they should have offered her a separate room!

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (9 November 2011):

chigirl agony auntDid she see him in his underwear? Did she see him in only a towel? Or are these things you assume? Sleeping in separate beds, fully clothes, is on the line of acceptable when no other good options are available.

For their next trip I think she ought to be more firm and refuse to be kicked out of her own room, her colleagues are behaving very childish hooking up like that, leaving her without a room! Alternatively she could complain to her boss.

However, right then and there, in the middle of the night, I am not sure if getting a spare room would be such an easy task. Not to mention she'd probably have to pay for it herself, and I don't know how much money she had available?

However, in retrospect it is easy to see what you could and should have done different. Right then are there she made a choice, and maybe it wasn't the best choice, but it was the best she could come up with when forced to make a quick decision.

Showing off in underwear and walking around in only towels on the other hand.. well, that's going too far and definitely crossing the lines of decency. But did they really do that? Did she tell you he was walking around in only underwear? If so then he is rude. But did SHE walk around in HER underwear, did she walk around in just a towel? If not, then the man was rude, but your wife was keeping her posture best as she could in the situation.

Don't get mad at your wife, get mad at the indecent guy and the rude room-mates who kicked her out of her room. And then perhaps file a complaint to the boss about unprofessional colleagues who "hook up" and leaving others room-free.

Other than that, it was a one time thing, these things happen. Your wife and yourself are young, and young folks usually don't think this is a big deal, which could explain her colleagues behaviour. Just laugh it off and lower your shoulders. You can't get all worked up over these sort of things because life will throw plenty more uncomfortable situations and non-preferable circumstances your way. So I agree, yes, it isn't nice that it happened and we'd rather it didn't happen again, but on the other hand, hey, what can you do? It's water under the bridge.

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A male reader, Htsn47 United States +, writes (9 November 2011):

Htsn47 agony auntI think you need to just let it go. Your wife says she tried to do what would have been appropriate - go back to her own room - but was thwarted by the locked door. That's obviously a very awkward situation for her to be in.

You are right that the company should never request or require two employees of opposite sex share a room. Period - that's totally inappropriate. But as far as being upset with your wife? If you trust her, then you have to just let it go. If you don't trust her, then you have bigger problems than her sharing a room with a coworker.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2011):

No it is never OKAY. Wisdom should ALWAYS prevail.

Marriage, Forsaking all Others, Fidelity, Monogamy, Honesty - all these principles were violated with sharing a hotel room with a male colleague. There is NEVER sufficient a reason or cause to put your integrity and marriage convenants at stake.

You DON'T uphold marital vows by putting your integrity, character, and commitment and love for another on the line to poor judgement and making a poor decision to invite in, carelessly, rumours or even ACTUAL cheating of a sexual nature.

The Wise and Loving who HONOUR their Partner WOULD NEVER do what Wife has done.

What I would have done. I would have went to the Lobby or Manager and told them outright, you will not sacrifice your marriage because of two stupid people. You would like somewhere safe to crash and still keep your character and marraige safe gaurded.

I think people in such circumstances would get more support than they would think.

All around it is a very very weak excuse.

Why didn't YOU do your best to uphold your marriage vows and be with Wife? You are just as much involved to keep your marriage and wifes and your marriage Safe Gaurded against such blatant stupidity.

Now the trust has been breached and even IF Wife is being HONEST- she put all of that at risk by excercising extremely poor judgements.

Get some counselling and hope you both gain in Wisdom.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (9 November 2011):

Tisha-1 agony auntI think it IS a big deal that she spent the night in a male co-worker's hotel room. At the very least, she should have simply booked a new room for herself, or insisted that her roommate pay for an extra room. Very unprofessional and inappropriate behavior on her part!

You definitely have the right to be upset and she needs some career counseling if she thinks any of this was a good move.

As to whether or not any hanky-panky went on, well, you will have to determine that. I think if she was trying to hide something from you, she wouldn't have told you about the situation in the first place.

I think she needs to get her own room from now on, if these are the types of co-workers she has! Maybe a visit to HR to discuss the problem will help? Yikes.

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