A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My wife says that giving oral sex is degrading, so she refuses to do it. However, she expects me to give her oral pleasure every time we have sex. I have since stopped giving her oral sex. She says I am acting like a spoiled child. If that is the truth then so be ti. She swears that she can make it up to me in other ways. Unfortunately, we have tried that and it did not work. Now she claims that I am being difficult. Our sex life is almost non-existent at the moment. My question is simply if she refuses to pleasure me in this way why does she think that I should do it for her?
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female
reader, Ginalolabridga  + ♥, writes (5 November 2009):
 Both my husband and i have degrees, and that did not stop him from doing certain things that were questionable for someone so clever, being clever or smart does not and should not come into this as a battle of words with each other, i always find people who use tit for tat tactics are just storing up further problems, and they end up having a battle of wits! which in the end wont solve this problem you have.
Regardless of all the great advice you have been given i think this is something the both of you need to discuss in further detail, it is all about compromise and what you both are comfortable with compromising!
Your never going to make someone do something they do not really want to do, and i am sure you would not want her doing something she loathes?
You just have to get those two great heads together and pick one another's brains as it were, to reach a happy balance both of you are satisfied with.
Gina
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): You wrote "She would perform oral sex on me occasionally before we married", so obviously she didn't find it degrading then.
That reminded me of the old joke:
Q. Why do brides smile so broadly as the walk down the aisle?
A. Because they know they've given their last blow job!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the responses. Seeing that she is getting a masters in psychology and I have a PhD in psychology, you would think that we would have this marriage thing down pat!! Not!!! Anyway, what I love most is when she tries to "psychobabble me". I always politely remind her that I have been in this profession far longer than she has (she hates that one). We talked about our expectations about sex before we married. Of course I got the standard "I would XYZ for my husband". She would perform oral sex on me occasionally before we married so I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. I also am curious as to what else she can do to make-up for the fact that she is not giving me oral sex. Any ideas?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2009): This is the anonymous reader who posted some questions for you to answer.
Quite a few people responded, please reply back to this thread.
I'm sure everyone who invested time in posting a response would be curious to find out more about what's happening.
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A
male
reader, Blatant Disregard +, writes (3 November 2009):
 Tis for humor. I assure you (waves the white flag).
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): I certainly dont think oral sex is degrading in anyway but for whatever reason she does want to give it only receive it. Not gving oral is her choice, she shouldn't be forced, coerced or blackmailed into it. If you want to withdraw from giving her oral then thats your choice. I dont think either is being any more spoilt child than the other. I think you need your heads knocking together and sort out what the real problem is or just accept you are enver going to agree and get on with things or get out. If oral is that important to you i'm sure you will find someone who likes giving it to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): this woman is the one acting like a 'spoiled child'. blow jobs are not degrading they are a common act of sexual pleasure. if she 'expects' you to do it for her then she should do it for you in all fairness. i enjoy giving blow jobs but i dont expect in return. i do it because i want to however in your case scenario from her it is a 'no i wont do it for silly reason but you do it because i want it'. fair? no and she needs to realise this. take care.
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A
male
reader, Blatant Disregard +, writes (3 November 2009):
Surprised to have a debate on your hands? I read all the responses, and, in an attempt to make you feel all warm and fuzzy, I can honestly say that I agree with most of what you wrote - not that it matters to either of us.Regardless of whether it's your personal opinion, amended or not, the statement you made was comment worthy in my not-so-humble opinion. It's so typical of the crap I hear every day when I go to lunch with female coworkers. Of course, I just smile and nod... So even if it's not what you meant, or you amended it, I hear that every day. The "throwing my screen through a wall" response was the result of months of hearing women talk like that. Not simply at you.I'm comfortable with my post. It can stand on it's own and is up for interpretation.
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A
male
reader, Blatant Disregard +, writes (3 November 2009):
What the hell kind of wife would think that the man who loves her would degrade her in any way? That's silly (Yes, I'm dismissing her feelings. Ooooh.) Is it that she likes it, and wants to do it, but just can't bring herself to it because it's degrading? I'm thinking not.Tell her that doing it may leave her feeling degraded, but not doing it may leave her feeling lonely. She'll get the hint. Hey, if she doesn't want to do it, so be it. She doesn't have to. It's the justification of it by using the tired old "degrading" feminazi line that would bother the hell out of me.Trust me pal, if you refused to do something she wanted you to do, you would "not be meeting her needs". Then she'd leave your ass for some other man, with full support from her friends. My favorite response so far is from gerta: "She CAN'T go down on you because she is uncomfortable with it, but you WON'T go down on her out of vindication. You are holding a grudge...and tell now...is this a way a husband should act?" If that didn't want to make you throw your computer screen through a wall, I don't know what would! It's all "50/50 give and take" talk out of women until it doesn't favor them...then it's "you need to do this or you're a bad husband". I'd say tell your wife you like oral. She'll tell you no. Then just live with it because you gave all the power to her the moment you said "I do". She now controls half the money and all the booty.A gentle reminder: If you get oral from someone else, you're a cheating bastard. If she leaves you because you ask oral too much, she's a strong woman who left a perverted pig.
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A
male
reader, RosesAreRed86 +, writes (3 November 2009):
Dude, you are seriously pussy whipped by this woman. You and I both know that it's completely unfair of her to expect you to give it to her without her giving it to you in return. Frankly I don't even understand why you married this woman. She is the one acting like a spoiled child, not you. She is so used to getting her way all the time without giving anything in return that now she has the audacity to accuse you of being selfish. Her claim that it is degrading is ridiculous. For Christ's sake, you're her husband, not some Joe Schmoe off the street. For most couples, blow-jobs are as normal as kissing and sex. If she is not willing to do this small task to make you happy, she clearly is very selfish and does not have your physical needs in her heart. Oh, and also, I really like her claim that "she can make it up to you in other ways". How exactly does she plan on doing that? I personally can't think of anything that a girlfriend or wife of mine could do that would be a proper substitute for oral sex. It's almost as ridiculous as your wife not having sex with you at all, and claiming the same, that "she'll make it up to you in other ways." Guess what, Benni Hanna is down the street, whereas blow-jobs are not quite as easily gotten, so that B-grade tuna casserole she's promising you in lieu of felatio really just ain't gonna cut it.
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A
female
reader, marriedlady + ♥, writes (3 November 2009):
 thats it in a nutshell gerta. Rewrite it with the genders exchanged and watch the fur fly! She isnt required to give oral...and neither is he. And he shouldnt be bashed. If he had been a female the cries would have been..."girl do not take the disrespect." "You are being used." "You do not owe him any thing"...yada yada yada.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): As "Gerta" says, reverse the genders and then see what you think?
Indeed, women so often use sex as a bargaining counter and/or withhold it as "punishment" that we are used to it, but when the boot is on the other foot.....
Most responses were from the woman's perspective, but if the Poster finds himself without sex at all, virtually, it does speak volumes about HER childishness and the strength of their relationship.
Why isn't it degrading for the man? At least she can breath!
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A
female
reader, marriedlady + ♥, writes (3 November 2009):
im going against the gender here and will agree with duce. The OP didnt say he was with holding sex. Only the 'extra goodies.' Life is like that. It is not 'punishment.' he said she EXPECTS to get oral? No way. what we feel about our mates emotionally carries over into the physical realm. If he feels that she finds him orally undesirable ...that directly affects his desire to please her. That being said, i think she has every right to refuse anal. It is very painful and should only be between two people who both want it. The cum on the face is a bit degrading if you think of it as such. I happen to enjoy it on occasion...but a good bj or hj...is not too much to ask....if you work on a job that you really like, and for a boss that you respect and admire...and after a while the boss at closing time ask if you would run an errand on the way home. Its a bit out of your way but you like the boss...a few days pass and the boss asks you to stay an hour over...and soon the requests become expectations. Friday comes and their is nothiog in the pay amount that reflects the extra time spent. How long would it take you to resent the extras? ~mal~
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A
male
reader, duce00 + ♥, writes (3 November 2009):
 I guess I will go ahead and give the first male opinion here.
Sometimes I wish my capacity for fluffing reality and co-signing this kind of behavior was better but you wouldn't really be helped by that kind of smoke up your ass now would you?
It sounds like you are married to a woman who has become so used to getting her way with you that she thinks this is OK. The way she talks to you tells me that you probably have problems getting respect outside the bedroom too ie your a "spoiled child" for not giving her what she wants.
In this day and age where we have this wacky sense of equality of the sexes it is time for some men to start standing up for themselves too. Do not fool yourself for a second that this is all about blow jobs either. This is about you taking possession of your own nuts in all respects of your relationship and your life.
I say go ahead and stop oral sex with her but that is just the beginning. Take your balls back from her and stop negotiating. This has nothing to do with the compromises that we must always make in a relationship it has to do with you respecting yourself first. Women dont really want a well trained house pet for a man even though that is often what they try to make us into. She will actually be happier if you are less easily controlled believe it or not.
Try reading this book, I liked most but not all of it. You will definately get somthing out of it if you give it a read.
http://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Spiritual-Challenges/dp/1889762105
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): Have you asked her why she feels it's degrading?
Are you both religious?
Did she have bad experiences in the past with giving oral or any experience with it at all?
If she's done it before with you, have you asked what's the problem now?
If she did do it in the past, did she get really emotional about it during or right after?
Sorry for all the questions, but just trying to figure out the situation, more info would help.
As I do agree, nothing should be forced, I do believe it can be worked out with time and patience.
Let us know more about what's going on.
And how long have you been married?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): Honestly speaking, I can see your point. If she likes to be pleasured orally, then why can't you be pleasured in the same manner? But I have to ask you why are you complaining about this now? I know that you wanted oral pleasure from her long before she became your wife. So if you complied with giving her oral sex without her returning the favor, then she feels that you are all of a sudden being a spoiled child about it. She now feels that you are trying to flip the script. This is why so many people tell you to be upfront about your needs, wants, and expectations. They are not saying it for their health, that's true talk. This problem may have been resolved a long time ago. Perhaps it may have not been a problem at all.
I must also inform you that some women can only orgasm by oral stimulation. This may be why she is wants it from you. If she can't achieve an orgasm vaginally, then this is the only way she can have ultimate sexual pleasure. If you just did strictly intercourse, then she wouldn't be getting the same pleasure from sex as you were. She stop having sex with you anyway. You would still be in a lose-lose situation.
Find out the underlying reason for her not wanting to give you oral sex. It may go a lot deeper than you think. It may be something from her past that has just put her out with the idea. So this is where communication is needed.
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A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga + ♥, writes (3 November 2009):
Your not teenagers anymore and i think the way your going about this is as if you were!
Talk this over with her, i am sure she can pleasure you other ways if not with oral, you cant expect her to do somethign she finds degrading can you?
Whilst you were giving her oral, you didn't mind but do now cause she wont give you it?
Your ages should tell you that this can be worked through, i am sure your wife is not alone in this thinking so why punish her for what she feels is degrading?
Surely there is some other things that can be done to still pleasure you, is it the end of the world or your sex life if she never gives you oral?
Your asking if she refuses you why does she think it is ok for you to give it to her?
Well for starters giving oral to a woman is totally different from a woman giving you oral!
She maybe feels sick doing it and you cant expect her to feel like this how on earth could she, feeling as she is?
I think the best thing you both can do is to seriously talk about this issue, find out the reasons why she finds it degrading, and please don't refrain from being intimate with one another because of this, your only making that wedge between you grow wider by doing so.
Gina
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A
male
reader, thenotsogreat  + ♥, writes (3 November 2009):
 I am worried that this is about respect and you dont feel she has any for you as a person.
Its time for a sit down talk with her. Make it clear that if she wants to get then she has to give end of story.
Be firm, dont give her any nonsense but dont let her give you any either.
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