A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife just told me that she lied to my when we were married. We only dated each other and never had sex until our wedding day because we talked about it and we both wanted to arrive virgin to marriage. However, when we went to our honeymoon and became intimate, I noticed she seemed to have sexual knowledge she was not suppose to have. Even at certain point in our honeymoon in the middle of sex something slipped out of her comparing me and I was so surprised that I stopped and ask her how it was possible for her to know that.I let it go for years and now we have two children now but I could not forget that feeling that she had sexual experience. I finally confronted her and asked her if she had ever been with another man. After denying it and crying for a while, she finally accepted that she lost her virginity to another man while we were dating. To make it worst, that man was her boss and several people in her job knew they were sleeping together while she was dating me. She said the first time they went to the movies after work and when they were getting into her car, he kissed her and ask her to go to the back seat with him. She told him she could not do it because she had a boyfriend but he continued to insist and she did not know why she could not resist, so she agreed and entered into the back seat. He started to kiss her and fondle her breasts ...{some graphic detail edited out by the moderator} Everything had been so fast they did not use a condom. After that time, they continued to have sex 2 or 3 times per week in motels close to their work. Sometimes after leaving the motel she would go out with me to have dinner. I never suspected she had been spreading her legs to another man just an hour before meeting with me. She said she stopped the affair when she realized she loved me and she did not want to lose me. She said the last time was when she told him it was all over but he convinced her to go to the motel one last time to give her a “proper farewell” She agreed and went once again to the motel to have a session of sex with her lover. She claimed this last time was just one month before I proposed and she accepted. She said she never had sex with him again either while we were engaged or when we were married. My problem is that I do not believe she stopped seeing him. He was her boss and she continued to work with him during our engagement and during our first year of marriage until we moved to another city. She worked long hours far from our home and many times she would get back to our apartment and 10 or 11 pm. Sometimes she worked on Saturdays or even Sundays. If she wanted to see him she had plenty of opportunities. I feel so broken, so down because she lied to me and I feel everything in our relationship was a fiction. If she loved me as much as she claims, why did she take on this lover? Why did she risk being impregnated by him? Why was she not honest with me? I gave her all my life, please advise me, I do not know what to do, just reading my own writing makes me realize the magnitude of what happened.
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male
reader, kattttrrrxxx  +, writes (24 January 2017):
You need to take your time and think of how your kids are going to live,and ever since you are a devoted Christian,id advice you to pray for wisdom to deal with this situation, I know it hurts you can't stop thinking of them making up, plus the fact that we're talking of a woman, and I also have a baby with someone I rarely knew before she got pregnant, while cheating a girl I loved of whom I even took her virginity but as you know SINS are sins we always have to deal with the circumstances, she told me she lost her virginity to a stranger and it keeps on reflecting I keep on imagining the scene now and then, and all this happened while I was way too lost in darkness, but all I can urge you is to pray harder,youll find the right answers, the worst part of your story is we're talking of a wife not just a partner,but nothing is worse or impossible for God.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): I agree with last male Anon: raising another mans seed when the man is unaware of the true paternity is a bloody crime.
I have no respect for women who hoodwink men into taking care of other mens kids. I wonder why this is not frowned upon by some individuals. I believe it is people corrupt makeup that makes them not blink an eye, frown upon such deceit.
If a man knows that the kid is not his and he still CHOOSES to take care of the kid, then it is a choice he makes.
So , I'm Confused, why a paternity shouldn't be done??
To the OP: I think you have disco vered that your wife has led a double life for much of your time together. I asked whether she had affair/s after being married to you. Although it is indeed sad that u have now discovered her cheating ways again, I think u are in a better position than u were before you found out about her betrayal.
At least now any decisions you make will be from a point of knowledge. And I think as devastated as you are, you need to re evaluate your life with this woman who has trampled upon you time and time again.
I just want to point out about the religious devotion: Don't fool yourself by thinking that "good Christians" are not capab le of betrayals such as these. It is often people that hide behind religion that are the biggest hypocrites. This has been proven time and time again.
I do not think u can handle this by yourself:
You need to get counselling asap.
You need to talk to someone you trust or your Pastor. You may feel ashamed but you need to vent, cry , rage and just express your raw pain. I do not suggest u tell your wife you are talking to a church elder/Pastor. You need to leave her out of this and seek answers and assistance for yourself. Your wife seems to be able to handle/manipulate people so don't worry about her feelings right now. You need to understand all this for yourself. So if people get to know about her stink why not??? (U may not agree with this but for someone who cared nothing for your feelings and who had Multiple affairs, you should prioritise yourself.
Get paternity test done on your kids. Or else u will go crazy just wondering.
What are u now going to do , now that you know she had multiple affairs? This is a reality and you need to address this
I am soooo sorry u have been hurt but better to find out now, than to waste any more of your precious life on someone who has proven worthless (unworthy) of your love, trust and life.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2011):
Raising someone else's children WILLINGLY is an entirely different animal from being deceived about it.
Tricking a man into raising another man's children is quite simply the worst crime you can ever inflict upon a man. There is nothing more emotionally, financially, and morally wrong.
If the legal system was fair to men in these matters then Paternity fraud would be punished with many years in prison.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 June 2011):
 to all who are saying paternity test the kids....
why?
is he not the dad in name and action? my stepdaughter has none of my genes. I was her mommy from the time she was 8 until just before she turned 19... I'm STILL HER MOM and she still calls me MOM... who gave birth to her does not matter.
My boyfriend refers to his mom as the woman who gave birth to me but his grandmom is MOM.... GENES and DNA only go so far....
if he is in a state that follows The LORD MANSFIELD rule he's the dad legally as well.
A man married to a woman who gives birth is legally the dad in states that follow this rule... (most do btw)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): This is the person that posted the original question.Thank you for your comments, in particular to iloveblue. As she says, this actually happened a few years ago but despite that, I still feel an incredible pain every single day. This is especially true at night, when I’m falling asleep I cannot take out of my mind a picture of my wife having sex with her boss. She told me many more intimate details of what she did with him and I feel ashamed to say it. For me, having the dirty details of their encounters has been affecting me more and more as time goes by. We started to date in high school and we got married when I was 24. During all my life I have never dated, kissed, or even hold hands with another woman. I loved my wife so much that I have never had romantic interest in someone else. My wife and I were raised as devoted Christians and we both have had some leadership positions in the churches we have attended to. That is why it was so important to arrive virgin to marriage and why I was so blind to her behavior. Despite having issues all couples have, I never imagine she would have sex outside marriage, either with me or someone else.To make it even worse, something else that was unsaid is if he cheated on me on another time, either while we were dating or married. After the shock of the initial revelation, I asked her if she had ever had sex with somebody else. When I asked her, she was silent and just repeated my question while looking down. Then I told her, “you have been with more men, have you not?” She cried a little and the she replied quietly that he was the only one and she did not cheat any other time. However, her demeanor told me she was lying and she was afraid to tell me because of my reaction. What she told me, though, was that when we were dating, in two occasions she had kissed guys but nothing of sexual nature.I felt that every time I was asking, I was getting deeper and deeper in an unknown world of my wife’s indiscretions. I felt I could not handle anymore revelations and I decided to stop digging. The problem for me is with all of her unclear past, I started to think back and try to remember if there were signs that she was cheating on other occasions. My troubling conclusion is that I am almost sure she had sex with two additional men while we were dating and possible a third one after we got married and moved to this new city. Shortly after the birth of our second child one of my neighbors told me he saw a man in my house alone with my wife when I was traveling on business (I travel abroad constantly and I have a very demanding position). This was before I knew about her boss, so I dismissed it as something innocent because he was a friend of my wife and me. Now I am not sure about anything anymore. I asked her about it and she denied it but at this time I do not know what to believe or what to do. All I know is this is affecting me more as time goes by instead of feeling less pain. I cannot forget even though I am trying.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): 1. Paternity test the kids.
2. Sue her boss into oblivion.
3. Leave your wife. But don't let your wife know this is your plan until AFTER you have sued the boss. She might get half the money from the lawsuit but you will get the other half and that's still a lot of money.
If you worry that this is being immoral then think of your kids. It's their fortune that you will be collecting by suing the boss and keeping your divorce plans secret until after the suit is won. And if this boss of hers has done it to one teenage girl then he has probably done it to numerous girls in his life. He will probably do it again if given the chance. Put a stop to it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011):
Most people have already said everything I wanted to say. I think your wife made a big, big mistake in telling you all of these details. She screwed up both of your lives and the lives of your kids. The lessons I see here are:
1. Do not ask the question if you cannot handle the answer. You should have known what you were going to do based on her response before you asked her.
2. If you are the cheater and you value your marriage, honesty is NOT the best policy. She revealed way too much information to you. There was no reason to say that she slept with her boss, that they had unprotected sex, that she screwed him an hour before meeting you, etc. She should have left the details very vague.
3. If your spouse does confess to you, DO NOT ask for all the details! In fact, tell him or her that you don't want to know the details you just want to know when and for how long.
I do not envy you, my friend.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): "She said she stopped the affair when she realized she loved me and she did not want to lose me. She said the last time was when she told him it was all over but he convinced her to go to the motel one last time to give her a “proper farewell” She agreed and went once again to the motel to have a session of sex with her lover."In affairs, all of this is rather "business as usual". People are so screwed up around relationships and sex that none of this is surprising except to the spouse who finds out.I would advise the following. First, ignore all the name calling and opinions about what people think she was doing. Truth is that they haven't got a clue, only she and the affair partner know. Secondly, tell her you need and want full disclosure. Third, you get paternity testing on the children, no arguments on that. Fourthly, she and you need to go to counseling together, and she needs to get whatever is going on inside her out in the open at least in private with counselor and you. Fifthly, none of this means that you will stay with her, but it is necessary for the kids safety, security, and your sanity.Lastly, in the USA, having sex with a subordinate, willing or not, is like a million dollar lawsuit settlement out of court....at least it was 20 years ago. Get a lawyer, sue him yourself, and the company he worked for/works for, for alienation of affection, etc, etc, etc. Burn him bad. Take your winnings, use them to support your children, if they are yours, and live a good life if you can. It takes years for this to be settled, but truth is that you don't sleep with subordinates, willing or not, unless you are willing to fuck over your company.If the kids are not yours, then you have a bigger problem, because you have probably loved them like yours, and that is a real intense emotional problem for them and you and they are not at fault.Protect the kids.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): Wow how absolutely horrible. The fact is if you knew what she was doing would you have married her? This relationship no matter if she choose you in the end is based on a lie. She cheated on you while you dated and she cheated on you until you moved out of town..a proper farewell? What was she thinking? It's obvious she enjoyed it otherwise she would have stopped it. Anyway that is neither here nor there.
2 or 3 times a week for how long? That is not a mistake, that is criminal my friend and all the time she came home to you and lied to your face. If you can forgive that then you are a better man than me but she didn't love you then thats for sure, she may now but its too late. Let her go!
Good luck
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A
female
reader, iloveblue  +, writes (15 June 2011):
 I am so sorry you are going through a situation like this. Everyone who reads your post will empathize with you.The only problem I can find in your story is that, what your wife did is past. It's like years ago and she confessed to you about it after it was over. Now, we cannot fully believe her if she still saw him after your wedding or even still keeps in touch with her boss today. But we can only use the information she has given and may consider it as fact. The question here is you.Can you tell actually trust her now after what you've learned? Can you sleep at night without nightmares of her and this boss together? Can you afford to let her leave the house without being scared she might be cheating again or cheating still?If the answers to any of the questions I have presented is yes, then there is nothing that could make you happy anymore and peaceful with your wife. Even if she is all clean now, if it's you who has no peace within yourself, then there will be no peace between you and her. If you can't deal with the pain even after years of what she has done, you have to separate from her through a divorce or legal separation.The only solution to this is to forgive, forget and trust her. That's all there is.Wish you all the best and be strong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): I will echo what the majority of the people have said: kick her to the curb. Not only did she cheat on you while engaged but I firmly believe that she was sleeping with him while married to you.Another thing to consider: are u sure the kids are yours.I cannot believe that Jonas would "side" with your wife. Your wife betrayed you right from the start and she betrayed u even while married.Get paternity tests done.Get rid of her, once and for all. No more lies and NO more excuses.This woman made a fool of you with her work colleagues. They all knew about her affair and u were the last one to now know.You have been the fool for the last time: you were faithful to her and well not any more.I suggest that u get rid of her ( if the kids are indeed yours, then pay child support) and then go out and enjoy your life.DO NOT take her back bec once a cheater always a cheater. You do not know whether your wife was faithful after her boss so it seems like she abused your trust.Not only did she lie from day one but she made a mockery of your marriage.Time to tke back your own and live your life without the cheater. You are still young and u can manage without her. Trust me you can and you will.LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): A "proper farewell"? That's how a call girl would consider it. She is a cheater, a liar and a hoe. Frankly, this is the worst possible combination.
Now that you know, you will probably have intimacy issues with her. I think the best strategy here is to kick her to the curb as fast as possible. Staying with her for the kids will only make you miserable. Don't be a martyr.
Good luck. You'll need it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): Im really sorry that you have to go through all of this. Its not nice if you've given your everything and thats what you get in return.
i dont realy have advice. All i can say that a cheater is always a cheater. Next time if an opportunity arises, it will be easy for her to cheat again, bacause she's done it before.
You seem so heartbroken. If you want to work on you marriage, do it...if you feel that its worth it and you trust her. You guys will have to get proper counseling. But if you cant trust her anymore, rather walk away. A relationship is nothing without trust.
I wish you all the best and hope that you will make the right decision.
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A
male
reader, Ambassadeur Koko  +, writes (15 June 2011):
 It is hard to know whether they are still together or not, because though she tells you or any other person this, they wont believe.
The fact that she married you and have kids with you shows that she chose you over her boss and she loves you more than the boss. I understand how difficult it has been for you holding this at heart without asking her and I am sure this made your love towards her difficult. Thank you because you finally vomited what you kept against her. It is time to forget the past and now move forward if she has apologized for that. But she has not apologized, she is not then serious. If you love her, forgive her and forget. If you can't hold on to her then quit her but remember your kids need both parent to grow healthily.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): Stop making apologies for her. She was carrying on an affair with her boss while dating you, plain and simple. Every person cheating can tell you a list of extenuating circumstances but the bottom line is that it's still plain old cheating.
Remember, SHE created this situation. It was not you. It was not even her boss that created it. If she wouldn't call it rape (and file charges to that effect) then it's entirely her responsibility.
I say dump her. Your self respect is at stake here. Can you REALLY ever not feel like a total chump if you stay with her?
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