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My wife likes to be completely dominated, and while I enjoy this there are a few things worrying me about this.....

Tagged as: Big Questions, Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 September 2010) 21 Answers - (Newest, 8 September 2010)
A male United States age 30-35, *lightlyconfusedhusband writes:

the back story...

After 8 years of marriage my wife has suddenly discovered that she likes to be completely and utterly dominated. She has always been that way to a point however now she wants to take it to a whole other level. She likes it when I hit her, she likes it when I hurt her. I'm not talking about spanking, though that's how it started. I backhanded her today, hard, and she loved it. I choked her 3 times, to the point where she collapsed (not unconscious, just not strong enough to hold herself up)and she got off all three times, though I was not in her and both my hands were on her neck. She never liked anal before because it hurt her alot, now she loves it because of the pain. The more I push her limits the more I doubt she has any.

The question..

I am in complete control while doing these things, and I find myself enjoying it a lot, so with that in mind I'm not worried I will go to far and kill or seriously injure her beyond some bruising or possibly a fat lip. My questions are these: How common are people that are this submissive and people this into pain? and also, what can go wrong that I'm not seeing besides the obvious that somebody might see and misconstrue bruising as abuse?

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A male reader, slightlyconfusedhusband United States +, writes (8 September 2010):

slightlyconfusedhusband is verified as being by the original poster of the question

You guys have helped us out and given me encouragement and understanding that to be honest I did not expect. It is surprising to me how many people accept and at least somewhat understand what I have, because from what I can tell it is not anywhere near the norm. I apologize for the heavy reading, however I feel it necessary to share the results of your help a little more directly. These emails are in order, and range from when Yos first sent me the article that changed my marriage til a few days ago. Now are communication is even better so that she no longer feels the need to write and can tell me what is on her mind.

Email #1 (1st day following the article)

I have so much floating around in my head right now so I apologize if I jump around all over the place, or if I seem to ramble. (please forgive any spelling errors)

We are coming up on our 8th wedding anniversary and I am happy to be able to say that I still love you more every day. We have done a lot of talking lately and I appreciate your willingness to go to such extremes for my happiness. I think that the love we have is so special it is hard to describe except perhaps all-consuming. You consume me, every thought I have, you are there. I see you and my knees go weak. I think of you and I can feel your touch and see your eyes looking into mine. It really is hard to put into words how I feel about you.

About how things have been the last few days:

I am so incredibly happy with us as a couple. I love that you have taken control of me. I never, ever would have thought that I would like that but I do. There is a part of me that wants to fight it and I really wish I could tell her to go away or shut the fuck up. But then again, I like it when my inner me gets me in trouble and you punish me. I fear the punishment but I love that you care enough to give me the punishment I need.

I want to be your 'slave girl' but I still have that part of me that doesn't want to let go. Maybe It will get better in time? I don't know. I am a little confused by all the feelings floating around in me lately.

You drive me crazy, all I seem to be able to think about is you and whether or not I am doing what you want me to.

I want you to know that I am yours completely. Body, mind, soul, I am yours (minus the tiny part that still wants to fight), but that part will surrender in time, I am sure. I trust that you won't do anything to hurt me and I am happy that I can give you that trust. I trust you with all that I am and that in itself is such a tremendous high. I am so completely happy with you, being apart from you for even a little while is torture.

There is more but I feel like I am just repeating myself so I may as well call it here. I have work to do and not much time to do it in. I also have a horrible headache :(

Email #2 (on the 4th, email 3 is also from the 4th)

I just wanted to send a quick email before I get groceries put away and dinner going.

I wanted to thank you for helping me today. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I can breath for the first time in a long time. I am looking forward to my collar getting here so I can wear it always.

I am your slave, you are my master. I love you

Email #3

I wanted to send you another email before I forget to tell you what is on my mind.

I keep thinking about what happened today and I believe that this marks a new beginning for us. I am so deliriously happy right now, I feel like I can stand tall and be proud of who I am and be happy with myself. I never would have thought this feeling was possible and I am a little overwhelmed by it. I feel like I am turning into a broken record with all this but I am so thankful for what you have given me as well as proud of what I have given you, I want to be sure that you know how I feel. I love you so completely, just thinking about it brings on a wave of emotion. I hope that I don't end up letting you down and being a disappointment to you, I want nothing more than for you to be happy which makes me so incredibly happy. I will do my best to be a good slave to you so that you can be proud to have me. I am sorry that you had to punish me today but I know that I needed it and without it I don't think I would have been able to move forward with our relationship. Thank you again. I apologize if none of this makes any sense, I am pretty tired and my eyes are burning so bad I can barely see the screen.

I love my master, more than I ever thought possible to love anyone.

Thank you all for your time again, and your thoughtful responses and advice most of all. Oh, and yes I did get her a collar which will arrive just in time for out 8th anniversary. It is 8mm stainless steel with a seamless design. It looks like a normal choker minus the fact that only the person with the key can remove it and it looks like a solid piece all the way around. I will likely post a picture of her with it one when it arrives.

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A male reader, slightlyconfusedhusband United States +, writes (8 September 2010):

slightlyconfusedhusband is verified as being by the original poster of the question

This post is going to be a bit shorter than the last wall of text because I am just going to list the Master's responsibilities as they pertain to to me and my wife.

First and Foremost: You have responsibility to not take advantage of what has been given.

You must reward your slave. She lives to please you and not knowing whether or not she has will confuse and upset her. You must thank her for the things she does for you and not take it for granted. Notice the little things, this will only make her more eager to please you.

On the flip side of this, she knows when she f**** up. If you do not punish her she will believe that you simply do not care enough to do so, and her mistake will also eat at her until she is absolved by something appropriate. Not every mistake deserves punishment, but every single one deserves attention. Warn her the first time she does something you don't like, or fails at something you asked her to do. Let her know that you are not angry, just not to do it again.

Punishment should not ever cause sufficient harm to send her to any doctor, cause bleeding or any other type of serious injury. It is up to you to decide if the mistake deserves corporal punishment or she needs to simply be informed not to make the same mistake again. Repeat mistakes should have a more severe punishment. Above all, never hit her in anger. If you feel you are about to, then let her know how she has displeased you and walk away until you are no longer angry. She will be very upset that she caused you to be unhappy and think about it until you come back and punish her. This may seem wrong, however she will enjoy the release and will likely become very, er, wet.. It must be punishment, IE, I use the belt. My hand is only for pleasure purposes, pleasure and punishment must be separated by a clear line. Her father used the belt, therefore she is scared of it. Standard for us is five swats. Let her know how many, and make her count them.Put her in a submissive position for the punishment. Across my knees and bare assed is what I chose. Remember, she needs this and it is for her own good. NEVER IN ANGER.This is a long section for a reason, and there is most likely something I forgot. Oh yeah, Never punish her for something she did not know. This requires only a talk.

Training: if she has self esteem issues, such as believing that she is a bad mother or insecure about her looks, then make her tell you that she is beautiful and a good mother. Do this often to imprint it. Constantly give encouragement. I usually whisper in her ear seductively "good girl" or "good job" "you made me very happy today". She needs this even more than punishment to feel fulfilled. Remember, she lives to make you happy, and she has to know that she is. Never cheat yourself or her by lying to her about whether or not you are happy with what she did. If you asked her to clean the kitchen and she overlooked something, show that you care by inspecting it and pointing out things she missed. If she does not know how to do something to your liking or standards you must teach her how.

Your most important job is training her, guiding her, and loving her. The more happy you are with what she does, the more blissful and fulfilled she is. She will likely love your more difficult tasks because suffering a bit to make her master happy will really make her feel like she accomplished something great, this goes for everything from cleaning the kitchen for 7 hour, to doing well on her college homework, to overcoming her gag reflex.

Last on this list is you must LOVE HER. If you become her Master for any other reason than love you will likely break her when you get bored and leave. For this you should be drawn and quartered.

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A male reader, slightlyconfusedhusband United States +, writes (8 September 2010):

slightlyconfusedhusband is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Well, the way media and everybody assumes this relationship is; the way the media portrays any woman who lets a man have all of the power, or even some, is one of the main reasons for this fear. Another would be that there are alot of men that would abuse this power. There is an old saying; Absolute power corrupts absolutely. I would not recommend this for all women. My wife does not like being humiliated or degraded either. Will she do whatever I ask anyway? The answer is yes. She derives pleasure from pleasing me. The harder the task is that I give her, the more accomplished she feels. She does not lie to me. she does not fake an orgasm. If need to know what she is thinking or feeling, I ask and she tells me.

I would recommend to any women that this type of life appeals to; Know your man. By know him I mean logically think about this before you do it, trying your best to take your love for him out of the equation, or at least not be blinded by it. If he ever hit you IN ANGER do not do it. If he has ever lied to you, other than a little white lie, do not do it. Honesty and absolute trust are necessary to make this work. Communication is absolutely required, though it will get better after you do it. Never lie yourself, and especially never play act. This is not a game, if you are talking about what me and my wife have. Let him do the work and propose the idea. start with some kinky sex, implying you feel the need to be punished because you have done something wrong. If he truly cares for you he will do the research as I did and figure out what you need, and what he has to do to get you to submit completely. If you are scared and feel you could never do it, then ask yourself why? Is it because you feel he might abuse the power? Or is it because society's preconceptions about what a woman should be are affecting you? Do you feel best when he is happy about something you did? Does the difficulty of what you did make that feeling more intense?

I am by no means an expert on this subject, but much research has led me to believe nobody really is. Lots of people like kinky sex, losing/having control, pain and ect. What I and my wife have seems to be uncommon. Most people play at this in the bedroom. With us it is in every aspect of our lives. For instance before she found it difficult or impossible to punish our daughter for wrongdoing(yes we have 3 children, 2 boys, one girl 8,5,3). Now she can because she knows that I expect it. Despite my daughters cute little pouty face.. Yes, to do this you have to trust your man enough to put him before your children and your feelings. You have to trust that everything he does is for the betterment of you and your family. In short, complete trust in Him.

You should know that once you do this it is extremely hard to undo, for most it won't even be an option to consider. It is a hard decision to give yourself completely, mind, body, and soul to anyone. In that my wife has more strength than I. I could never do it, but then again that is why I am the Master. He must be stronger than you, not necessarily in physical strength, but character and personality. My slave has no safeword. There is no point. I do not have some of the power, I have it all. Well I have a wonderful dinner to eat that smells outstanding. I will post later on my (the master's) responsibilities. If your man is the sub/slave then just insert She wherever appropriate.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (7 September 2010):

Miamine agony auntI'm scared, there are few people who can actually live the domination/humiliation life, and that's what the article by Yos explains... it's very, very frightening stuff... but between a man and woman in love and committed together in marriage...

nope.. it's scary.. lol.. but it sounds just perfect for you two, exactly what you need. Yes, I can see how the house will be perfectly clean now.

Please, please update your post from time to time. There are many women who would love to live this lifestyle, but are ashamed and frightened. Hearing about yours and your wife's experiences, will give them the courage to live a lifestyle that gives them happiness and courage...

For me... nope... hahahaha.. just too frightening... good luck and well done. I have no further concerns about your wife at this moment, you are taking good care of her.

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (7 September 2010):

Yos agony auntIt sounds like you have unlocked something she really desired. And also that you are taking the responsibility and trust very seriously. That's great. I really hope it works out for you. I suspect it will.

I would love to hear back on how you are doing in a while. Please message me here on this site when you do.

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A male reader, slightlyconfusedhusband United States +, writes (6 September 2010):

slightlyconfusedhusband is verified as being by the original poster of the question

The problem has been solved. She is completely happy now. I did much research on this subject and she is now completely mine. By mine I mean she is my slave and I am her master and she is happier than she ever has been. The need for punishment she was feeling because she thought that she was a bad wife/mother. She had constant doubts as to whether or not she was good enough for me. I have been working on these issues for quite a while but not in the way I should have been if this makes any sense.

Now that we are in a master/slave relationship she no longer worries. She knows that if she is wrong I will correct her and guide her, and that if she does what I ask I will give her encouragement and reward her for a job well done. I had been doing this on a lesser scale before, but I guess because we were in a vanilla relationship she felt that I was always holding back. To be honest in some cases I was holding back because of her self esteem issues and I felt that in correcting her or being openly displeased she would be hurt. Her lack of motivation is solved because she does exactly what I ask, and does her best at anything I ask/tell her to do. she has told me that all of this has lifted a huge weight off her shoulders. She no longer procrastinates because she now has no choice. She has given me all of the power in the relationship, which is now what is called a TPE(Total Power Exchange) relationship. I have all of her. To be honest this really is an amazing thing. In living just to please me, she has no worries. If I am happy, so is she. No more depression and anxiety.She is happier than she has ever been before as am I. That she gave me what she did is one hell of a high.

This is a bit scary though to tell you the truth. If I do not do my job right as her master I could completely and utterly destroy her. She has given me everything that she is or ever will be and that is one hell of a responsibility.

Before now I never even thought something like this was possible. I would never betray the trust she has given me, and i guess she must have known that or she would not have given it so easier (we only worked on this for a few days) Thank you for all of your replies and advice. you have all been a great help. My wife thanks you as well.

I am interested to here your views on the turn our relationship has taken, for or against, all I ask is that the against be more than "what the hell is wrong with you" flame posts.

One interesting tidbit is that she will not cum unless I tell her she can, which makes it about 10 times more intense when I tell her too. One side effect of me telling her not to cum until I give her permission is that now all I have to do is say the word, anywhere, anytime...and she will cum on the spot... I don't care who you are, that is fucking awesome.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010):

i've been told some women do like this (admittly i don't understand the reasoning behind it) however i have heard that some women at times if their husbands won't give them what they want sexually they go behind their husbands back to get it. this to me is not a smart or safe move on her part. but as her husband if she likes to be dominated find ways of doing it that you feel comfortable doing without actually hurting her to physically. if she likes spankinks continue that. try some tie up scenarios with some light whip lashing and make her beg to be released sexually by making it (alot of oral if need be) where she litterially is begging to be released. some rough nipple pinching . dildo up the back door kind of stuff.

here's my out and out question do you love your wife enough to give her what she thinks she wants. do some research on line about this subject . yopu may have to read alot of explict bondage kind of stories to see what you'd be comfortable doing but stll get her off without nearly killing her.

again i don't particularly see the thrill men or women get out of some of this but if you love her and want to keep her with out her cheating on you then wise up and give her what she wants. and soon.

also (this is up to you ask her what her fantisies are ) if something she says or ask that you feel comfortable with try it . as the old saying goes you may like it to.

my only concern is not to rough or hard that someone could be permanently injured or die but something that spices up her sex life and yours has got to be a good thing in my opinion.

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (2 September 2010):

Yos agony auntThat's really good to hear :)

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A male reader, slightlyconfusedhusband United States +, writes (2 September 2010):

slightlyconfusedhusband is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks to Yos I was able to take things to the next level, with less pain. The guide he sent me was amazing and pinned my wife dead on as to the type of person she is and what she really wants. After reading that guide everything about her made a ton more sense. I am convinced that she should be much happier from here on out. She has given even more of herself to me than she ever had before and I am happier as well. That article, Wow... Thanks again to everyone. I think now I can even sort out her self esteem issues she has had for so long.

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A female reader, Isabella I United States +, writes (2 September 2010):

Isabella I agony auntWhile I love to play S & M games, and believe they can be very therapeutic and erotic, you need to know what you are doing. You are right to worry about accidentally hurting her, controlling your own power lust in the moment and it is obvious that you love your wife. Maybe you can go to a local BDSM group talk. Meet others that like to play with pain and pleasure. There are many books and online groups to check out. The S & M community where I got my start had at least one meeting a week that showcased a specific topic related to safe, sane and consensual play.

It is also very possible that your wife is depressed to the point that the only thing she CAN feel is pain. It lets her know she's alive. I know because I have battled depression for 20 years. She needs you to take over, put some protocols into place that help her out with daily chores and stressors. She simply doesn't have the ability to do it herself right now. But she needs to agree to your protocols and structure.

I would also get her to a doctor, don't mention the S & M, because many doctors can't see that it can be fun, beneficial and safe. And neither of you need any more guilt right now. Just talk about the constant overwhelm and helplessness she feels. Good luck and stick with her, once things even out you could find that the dominance and submission games you play can take your relationship to great heights. Please email me if you have anymore questions or concerns.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (2 September 2010):

Miamine agony auntHave you seen the film "The Secretary", brilliant film that deals with pain sex in relationships.

You can use her interest in pain and humiliation to help the situation. If she's submissive, then she has to follow orders. Therefore you order her to not worry, to accept that she is wonderful and accept that the place is clean enough. If she values your opinion, then please spend your time demanding her to feel happy and good enough.

This is so extreme, and she's tired and overwhelmed. I think some anti-depressants may help. But be aware they will affect her sex drive. She's not coping very well with wife and motherhood. Is there any friends or women family around who could give her some help. Is there any way that you could take her away for a little holiday and get her out of the house for a while. A second honeymoon filled with laughs and "loving" sex.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (2 September 2010):

Miamine agony auntStop pain filled sex.. it cannot be practised safely if she wants punishment due to low self esteem. Yes she gets a short feeling of relief. But this is the same as people that cut themselves or stop eating.

Stop, she is forcing you to become an abuser... this is not good.

Continue the talking. Ask her to keep a diary about what she has achieved daily, what her goals are and how she is feeling. Also see if you can access some Cognitive Therapy Behaviour counselling for her. She's thinking in black and white. Things are either terrible or they are fantastic. She needs to think more rationally and put things into proportion.

Once her mental health is better, there is no reason why you cannot have pain in your sex. But to this degree, strangulation, backhanding... this is about self-hate and is not good for her or your emotional health. When she gets better it will become less extreme.

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A male reader, slightlyconfusedhusband United States +, writes (2 September 2010):

slightlyconfusedhusband is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Ok, we have done a lot of talking about this and I believe we have gotten to the root of the whole house cleaning problem. Long story short, she feels overwhelmed and does not see the point of cleaning up when 15 minutes later the place is a complete disaster. This falls on all of us, and we are working towards a solution now. To be honest, this has been a long time coming, but with many deployments (i am in the Navy) and me working long hours even while at home this leaves little time to work on our relationship and/or whipping the children into shape. Her seeing what I had posted and the response you people have been kind enough give me has helped her open up and talk to me, and also helped me ask the right questions. Thank you all.

As for her self-esteem as a whole, this issue runs in her family; most of the women in it are manic-depressive to some degree or another. No, I have never been abused. I don't believe that I am turned on by actually hurting her, I think it is more the idea of her being completely submissive to me and what I want that is the turn on. I do like to be in complete control, and i also love that she trusts me that much. She is also not even a little afraid of me, which goes back to the whole trust issue. It is quite a high to have somebody place that much trust in you. As for the type of sex we are enjoying at the moment, we both like it and are going to continue while working out the other issues, though I will consider the whole moderation issue. This is likely a phase, and we have had a few different phases over the years. It will be interesting to see how this one plays out. For now it is a fun break from the norm.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2010):

Hello slightlyconfused... from what you've said it sounds as though she does have some very complex and big issues connected with self-esteem. From what you say about the house, it seems as though she might also be suffering from depression.

She's lucky to have a guy like you who is so thoughtful and so kind. It may take quite a lot of time to get to the root of these issues, but I am sure that you are the patient type. The fact that you are paying her college fees speaks volumes to me about how much you want her to be happy and fulfilled as a person. Remember that she may not herself know exactly why she's feeling the emotions she's experiencing, and is likely to be upset and confused. She may need the help of a counsellor to straighten things out - someone outside of the situation who can help her to see that she doesn't need to be punished and is a very good person. Check out and see if her college offers this for free - many do these day - and get her to book in if you possibly can. (This may require some persuasion if she's not the 'talking type'). I also suggest taking her to your family doctor and talking about the situation with depression - there are some simple but effective medications that don't have many side effects which could help her while she works out what is going on psychologically.

It might be a good idea to put temporary brakes on the exploration of sexual pain until she sorts these issues out. If she feels that she needs to be punished, then degradation and humiliation during sex may reinforce some extremely negative patterns of thinking... and if she does start to get straight, she might start to resent you for having done these things if she is suffering from depression and therefore not able to make rational judgements about what she does or doesn't deserve. I suggest trying to bring it back to a loving, caring, and safe experience for a bit: make her feel like a princess who deserves the very best and try to shore up her self-esteem as far as possible. If you want to explore pain in more depth, and from a healthier place later on, that's fine - but right now it may compound some major issues she's facing.

I really do wish you all the best. Please feel free to message me if you want to talk in more depth or over a longer timeframe.

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (2 September 2010):

Yos agony auntEverything said below could be true.

There could also be another side to this. Submission and domination can be positive and loving in a relationship if done in the 'right' way. It can represent an intense level of trust and intimacy that can be healthy, as long as both partners are getting what they want and need from it. A submissive woman, handled right, can end up gaining a great deal in self esteem.

These things I found very counter intuitive when I first heard about them, but have realised that they can be true.

I have a very good article written on the subject. If you want a copy please message me on this site and I can provide it for you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2010):

You should stop hitting her, you are reinforcing what she is feeling about being a bad wife.

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A male reader, slightlyconfusedhusband United States +, writes (2 September 2010):

slightlyconfusedhusband is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Katie Thank you for your very well thought out post. You may be on to something with the psychological issues but my wife has had all things pertaining to sex beat into her head as taboo due to her parents and finds herself unable to discuss most things. I will of course continue to talk to her and try to get her to open up. I've been talking to her trying to figure out what's going on. So far i have gathered that she feels she deserves and needs to be punished because she feels she is a bad wife. I don't know where she gets this from, because I definitely do not tell her she is. She feels that she does not get good enough grades with her college that i am paying for(I think that i am paying for it is maybe the issue, I gave her my GI bill). She also does not keep the house clean because she cannot get motivated to do so and feels bad about that. She feels that she is not doing her job as a housewife and a mother, and therefore needs to be punished. Not quite sure what to do about that and I'm confused as to why she derives sexual pleasure from the punishment. Still talking to her will be back shortly.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (2 September 2010):

Miamine agony auntPain and humiliation in sex is common, how ever to this degree it's very rare.

You do have to be careful about emotional and psychological damage that may be present or may be caused.

Yes, you both like it... but may it be a symptom of something deeper. Might you be angry with her or other women? Does she have self esteem issues, self-hatred or has she been abused in the past. Have you been abused in the past, do you have issues caused by your mother? You have to be very careful that this is not the expression of painful things that have been deeply buried.

There is also the danger of escalation and addiction. This type of sex can quickly replace your previous type of loving and caring. That I feel is bad. Making sex all about pain reduces sex as a way to create softness and tenderness. I always advise, if you must practise painful sex, you must try to spend some time also having normal vanilla sex. Do not let the pleasure of pain dominate your relationship or your love life. It's easy to become trapped only doing this even when it no longer becomes a turn on. Practise humiliation and pain in moderation.

Seems like your wife has always been interested in this, and you've reached the point in your marriage where she feels safe enough to trust you with her desires. Marriage and relationship should be built on communication, love and compromise. It is not fair to you if sex always involves pain, and it's also not fair to her if she begins to believe that this is the only way to make love..

Moderation, and carefully discuss together if there is any trauma's or deep seated issues around abuse, hate or anger deep in your psyche.

It's best to practice pain filled sex with a lot of open, honest and deep communication. You need to talk together regularly and always assess the situation and where your relationship is going.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (2 September 2010):

Honeypie agony auntI want to ask you this, WHAT has changed in HER life that she made such a huge leap?

I think you two need to seriously discuss this. I can't imagine how you two can not want to discuss it. You could find a counselor, who specialize in all things sexual.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2010):

* She never liked anal before because it hurt her a lot, now she loves it because of the pain*

My first thought is what has happened that now she likes pain?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2010):

First things first: people get off on the strangest things sometimes. The question isn't really 'how common is this', because it doesn't really matter whether 1 in 1000 or 10 in 1000 or 100 in 1000 people like this. You are both consenting adults, and you have a right to do anything legal you like behind closed doors, provided you are behaving safely and respecting each other's wishes.

The real question is 'are you both truly OK with this?'. And that breaks down into two questions. First of all, is your wife OK? Is she really choosing to behave this way, and really loving it? It's quite possible that she simply enjoys pain and isolates sexual experience psychologically from the rest of her world. Alternatively, this may be coming from some darker and more disturbing place, perhaps as a result of traumatic things that have happened in her past? Sometimes people just love the feeling of pain. Other times, people want to be degraded and punished because they feel that there genuinely is something 'wrong' about them, and that's not a healthy impulse. Perhaps you need to sit down with her and just check where this is coming from, in the most loving way you can. Ask her what thoughts go through her head when you are doing these things, and try to determine for yourself what is going on inside her head. Does she simply enjoy strutting her stuff in chains and leather, or does she have problems with abandonment, rejection, or past abuse that might require counselling or further help.

Secondly, are you OK with this? Many men might feel highly uncomfortable with the idea of hitting their wives, and would worry about the impact of that on the relationship. It's important that you get a chance to talk about your own feelings about how this is impacting you. Again, please don't think I'm judging you: there's nothing wrong here if you're both happy and healthy, but it's worth making sure that you're both psychologically OK.

Finally, please, PLEASE be safe. I am sure you are already doing this, but ensure that you have safe words and safe gestures. Also, if you are choking her to the point that she is almost passing out, then you are depriving her brain of oxygen and risking brain damage - and she can't necessarily tell you when it's too much. There is also the chance that your hold will be in the wrong place, damaging her trachea and vagus nerve, which controls the heartbeat. This is therefore quite a dangerous practice, witness the number of teens dying from the strangulation game of late. Of course, many people love the euphoric high that comes from oxygen returning to the brain, but if you must continue, you need to make sure that you read up on how to minimize the risk to her, for example by squeezing more lightly to constrict air flow, but not induce dizziness or severe hypoxia. I know that risk-taking is part of the thrill, but imagine how appalling it would be if something were to go wrong. You sound like a great guy, and I think the guilt would eat you alive.

Please take care of each other! Good luck.

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