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My wife is the breadwinner now and wants me to be a house-husband, should I do it?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 October 2011) 13 Answers - (Newest, 12 October 2011)
A male United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hi I m from Detroit city age 35. I lost my job couple of years back because of the recession ; haven't been able to find another one.

However, my wife,33, has a great job with big fat pay package. Surprisingly, she got a promotion during the recession, she is now one of the directors of a manufacturing company !

Recently , she suggests that I cook food and do all the housework !!

I am undecided whether to do it or not??

please help me decide??

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2011):

Look, have you ever thought of your contribution to your household ?????

And you are Lucky the Marriage is still working !

What's wrong in doing household work, this is the 21st century,ok!

You need to thank and appreciate you wife in taking care of you and do congratulate her in earning a high salary, in spite of recession, which is probably due to her talents.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (12 October 2011):

Tisha-1 agony auntWhat have you been doing with yourself since you lost your job? (Sorry to hear that, it's tough in lots of places.)

Lets run the daily hours you two have and what happens:

6-7a She - gets ready for work.... He - ???

7-8a She - commutes to work..... He - ???

8-9a She - at work ..... He - ???

9-10a She - at work ..... He - ???

10-11a She - at work ..... He - ???

11-12p She - at work ..... He - ???

12-1p She - at work ..... He - ???

1-2p She - at work ..... He - ???

2-3p She - at work ..... He - ???

3-4p She - at work ..... He - ???

4-5p She - at work ..... He - ???

5-6p She - commutes home ..... He - ???

6-7p She - cooks dinner? .... He - ???

7-8p She - starts the housework .... He - ???

8-9p She - continues the housework .... He - ???

9-10p She - collapses in a heap .... He - ???

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Could you be a bit more specific with what your current contribution to the household consists of?

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (12 October 2011):

chigirl agony auntWhat exactly are you currently doing? Aren't already a stay at home husband since you are unemployed and your wife has been paying all the bills these last two years? No shame in that, that's what marriage is all about, taking care of each other when things get rough. But haven't you already been at home for two full years...? What is it she is suggesting that is new? That you do more housework since you are at home all day anyway? It sounds just fair to me... but then again I suppose you already are doing house hold chores, aren't you? Is she suggesting you stop looking for a job and make this a permanent thing?

Your question is a bit confusing. What is it exactly she is suggesting that changes the situation from what it's been like the last two years?

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A female reader, DanceInTheDark Canada +, writes (11 October 2011):

DanceInTheDark agony auntAre you afraid of not feeling like a man? Think of it this way. If you're cooking and cleaning, you're contributing to the household.

If you're doing nothing, then what are you giving?

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A female reader, maverick494 United States +, writes (11 October 2011):

I don't see why not. It's all about evening out the workload. This has nothing to do with your manhood. The situation is as such: she is at work all day, you're at home all day. Why should she have to do all the household stuff while you have enough free time on your hands?

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (11 October 2011):

CindyCares agony auntWhat's there to decide ? You are not working, you are not earning, and, apparently, you are not doing absolutely anything at home = you are not contributing to your family menage = you are mooching off your wife 's hard ( and double , since she works AND so far she has to cook and clean for the both of you ) work. You are a house pet- and an expensive one. If you want to be a man, do your share.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011):

Shouldn't you already be doing that if you aren't working and she works all day? What do you do all day since you aren't working? You can still cook and clean AND look for jobs. Usually one person supports the other if there are young children in the home who need to be watched over and attended to, carted back and forth between various activities. Otherwise, working and cooking and cleaning is not something you really have to choose between.

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A female reader, Lillymarie Ireland +, writes (11 October 2011):

You have a wonderful opportunity, you get to spend more time with your children (if they let you) and you can have a chance to enjoy your home...(as well as cleaning it). If you reach a platform of acceptance, and keeping a happy home is a very powerful position, even if its unrecognized in society!

It seems your cards have been dealt, you could fold, but it seems to me you could be holding a great hand :)

AND if you really can't settle with it, get a job that can at least pay for a good nanny :)

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A male reader, Advice_man United States +, writes (11 October 2011):

Advice_man agony auntHmm...that's really a tough one! On one hand she is right, since you are jobless that's a nice way to contribute your share to the family. On the other hard you are in danger your woman to loose respect in you and start acting like she is "the man of the house". I would suggest find a mid-solution. Do the housework, but on your terms and schedule. Try not to do housework while she is around, if this makes you feel unconfortable. Me for instance, I feel a little unconfortable mopping my veranda outside so i do it an night when nobody watches. Best wishes handling this!

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (11 October 2011):

YouWish agony auntWell, practically speaking, it works great! She's got the job and you're managing the household.

But, I have the feeling your pride is writhing a bit from this, especially if you're calling yourself "house husband" and thinking about a job loss from a couple of years ago.

Look at it this way -- it might just be a temporary reassignment of house roles. If you want to get back to work, keep getting your feelers out there for a good job.

But if you have kids and so on, you do realize that unless you go back to work making at least what your wife does, it's not practical.

You need to be fulfilled and happy. The answer lies there. If you're practical, then it works. If you really love your job and want to be the provider, you have to do what it takes.

I don't know what you did for a living, but one thing you could consider is that being a home manager doesn't mean you can't be industrious. Have you considered going back to school, learning a trade, or starting your own home business? That way, you can have the best of both worlds!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011):

You don't say why you are undecided about this? Is it because you are aware of steretypes in which the man is the 'breadwinner' and may feel less 'manly'? Or is it because you would just prefer to be in a job where you are interracting with other adults? Or some other reason?

I know two 'house-husbands' who are both great with their kids but, unfortunately, not particularly happy just in themselves - I guess they just suffer from the same feeling of 'worthlessness' that a lot of mothers get - feeling under-rated and as if their own life doesn't really have much purpose because they are provided for but expected to take on 'subservient' type roles.

It is more than just a matter of cooking and cleaning, it is also about the dynamics of your relationship with your wife and about you as a man in the longer term. You can take the view that you have to be 'more of a man' to take on a typically female role and cope with any flack that you may get for it - but sometimes the reality is that you might secretly end up looking for ways to assert your masculinity - I don't know in your case what they could be, but I have seen it happen in reality, that's for sure. It would be much less of a problem if women were just given more respect for this traditional role and then it wouldn't be stigmatised if a guy took it on.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011):

Definitely go for it - you will soon realise what an easy time women have of things and will never want to look back!

{Moderator note: I think we're needing the sarcasm font here}

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (11 October 2011):

So_Very_Confused agony auntdo you like cooking and cleaning? if so go for it. I see nothing wrong with it.

are there children that require care before and after school?

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