A
male
age
41-50,
*tew779
writes:Recently my wife has been hanging out with a new girl she met from work. They went out a few times, and then seem to fall out of touch. Then a few days ago we bumped into her and her boyfriend at a store and my wife was acting very strangely. I questioned her about it that night and she made up a lie. Then, the next day she came home upset and told me that the girl was bisexual and had expressed interest in her and that, she had some thoughts about her that made her feel uncomfortable and that was why she was acting strangely. She was very upset because she believes these thoughts equate to cheating on me. This is the first time this has happened to her, and she says she feels very embarrassed and awkward. I tried to explain that I was not upset over the thoughts she had (which she can't control), but that I was upset that she lied to me and then went on to talk to several other people about it before telling me the truth. How can I reassure her that there is nothing wrong with her and that she hasn't done anything wrong here. She actually thinks its weird that I'm not enraged about this whole ordeal and seems to be puzzled by the fact that I am not more upset. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Artfuldodger  +, writes (28 September 2009):
your wife may be thinking that you won't fight for her. Let me ask you this, how would have you have acted if instead of the other woman, it was some other guy? to her it may seem that if you seem so cool right now with the whole thing, maybe if some guy was hitting on her, you would still be cool and not fight for her.
Keep in mind, if she is upset about the whole thing for more than necessary, maybe she has already done something physical with a girl....and just can't come out and tell you.
also, Sometimes a little bit of jealousy is a good thing!
A
female
reader, obsticalfree +, writes (28 September 2009):
Well to her it is the first time she has had a physical or emotional interest in someone other than her husband in her marriage and she feels 'guilty' and associates it with cheating. Men often learn to cope with the idea that they enjoy looking but can't touch. Women are often less visual so the connection to another person doesn't happen as much and it maybe stronger and more confusing . She may never have had to deal with awkwardness of feeling an attraction to someone other than you and it is causing a lot of confusion. The fact that it is to someone of the same sex that she work with and is in contact with makes her feel worse and even more embarrassed. She may have wanted you to be jealous or upset to indicate that her feelings were real . But your calm acceptance may have confused her more because she wasn't seeking absolution from your or asking you to solve the problem by telling her 'its okay and move on" to her this is a big deal. You may believe that you are in a no win situation because if you did make a big deal about not liking it she would think you were immature and unsupportive of her honesty. It sound like you are confused that by telling her that you don't mind and arent angry hasn't helped her to resolve it. Remember women talk about things to talk through them to express their feelings. Your wife has already acknowledged her confusion and feelings and has already decided not to act upon them but she may just need you to confirm that her feeling are real that it is akward and that she had done the right thing both in actions and talking about it. Take Care
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (28 September 2009):
Well you're a great guy and you've handled this pretty much perfectly. A lot of women do have crushes on other women, and I guess your wife isn't used to it. Just make sure she knows you love her and keep reassuring her that she's done nothing wrong. Hugs, and spending time together and all that. Keep doing it, but not too much. She'll be okay.
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