A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So, me and my wife have this disagreement, it feels like tit-for-tat in alot of ways, so, what do you think?A while ago, we decided to buy a home, and i was planning to give her a puppy, she loves them, who doesn't right? But today, she dropped the bombshell she doesn't want a puppy now because it will make a mess, but then after discussion, dropped in the fact she is not happy at the fact i have said that i don't want cigarette smoke in the house and if anyone that wants to smoke, will go outside. Im an ex-smoker, so its hard to deal with the smell and nicotine when you have stopped because it brings on cravings, badly. But she was offended by that because her parents smoke. I also have a heart issue that means i have to be and make sure that, i am healthy.But non of that mattered to her. It was all suddenly centered on the fact of smoking and how "hurt" she was because of me saying no smoking in the house and because of my stance, the plans for a puppy have gone out the window and gutting me in the process.What do i do? Again, i have to post this anonymously for privacy reasons as i was discovered! Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEveryone, thank you so much for your opinions and thoughts. Its helped a great deal and given me a few better ways to deal with this issue and how to get it across.Its something i wont budge on for the reasons you all know, so hopefully, it will die the death it needs to and be done with.BTW, she doesn't smoke herself, its just the parents that do.I have made it clear that being that it will be a home where i intend to raise a family of my own, that it wont be a place where i want smoke, and people that find that simple rule offensive, are not welcome in the home. If they wish to smoke, i will invite them to go out the back, i have no issue with that, but inside, as so many have pointed out, for the various reasons, is bad and hopefully, that will be accepted and closed.It does worry me however, that future issues that may arise, that i won't have her support and be left pissing in the wind all by myself. She did change her mind abut the puppy though, this morning!!! Again, thank you all, so very much.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (6 July 2012):
 My husband is "the" smoker and he smokes outside and has no problem with it.
I see nothing wrong in asking others to do the same.
We have a covered from and back patio so smoking outside in rain or shine is no biggie.
With your heart/health issues anyone who can't respect your wish that they smoke outside are selfish and asinine. IMHO
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2012): OP I'm a smoker and smoke outside out of choice and respect for my girlfriend. I didn't even have to be asked it's just the right thing to do it's that simple.
She has no logical basis to argue, she has no corner to fight here because it's wrong to subject your partner and perhaps future children to cigarette smoke. It's not a big deal to go outside and smoke, a cigarette literally lasts a couple of minutes and frankly I smoke a lot less when I have to go outside.
OP this being hurt thing is nonsense, she's hurt because you won't let her stink up the house with smoke? She's hurt you won't breath in her carcinogenic fumes? She's hurt that you don't want to aggravate your heart condition?
Give me a break, don't compromise on this, her parents are free to do what they want in their home and you will never criticize or judge them for it but in your home you can't have smoke, it's that simple. She's the one with the disgusting, expensive habit of inhaling poison, she can smoke outside like most of us have started doing.
As a long term smoker I can tell you she has no argument whatsoever here, being hurt is a load of crap. You can either worry about hurting her feelings or worry about completely ruining your health, the choice is easy.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 July 2012):
 my fiance is a smoker. we have a rule NO smoking in our house now that we had the whole house painted
smoke damage to the walls of his apartment when he moved were enough for him to see it's bad for the house much less my lungs.
We set up a lovely smoking area outside for him with a table and chairs and an umbrella to ward off sun or rain...
I am thinking she is taking this personally about her parents....
if she says a puppy makes a mess think about the ash and smoke mess from smoking in the house...
not to mention the second hand smoke issues..
I am a former smoker... so I get both sides of it.
The few friends I have that smoke are happy to go out on the porch and smoke and I will go out there with my fiance and sit and talk to him... we make it social and yes it's HIS HOME but he knows how I feel about it... it makes more cleaning for me if he smokes in the house...
...............................
A
male
reader, Hugh.J +, writes (6 July 2012):
 As a non-smoker I do find it difficult to understand the "plight" of the smoker, but here in the UK we have had a smoking ban in pubs and restaurants for some years now, and patrons have no difficulty in 'going outside like dogs' to indulge their habit.Consider the passengers on long haul flights; smoking is forbidden anywhere on the plane, even in the toilets, with severe penalties resulting for offending, so even the heaviest and most addicted smokers manage to refrain for however many hours the flight lasts.Not impossible, is it?
...............................
A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (6 July 2012):
Smoking in the house is a bad thing to do. Not only is it unpleasant for others, but it also makes a house reek. A friend of mine recently bought a house which had been owned by a smoker and the place needed new carpets, new wallpaper, you name it. Everything smelt of old smoke. As a result, they had managed to get a lower offer accepted because they could demonstrate how much remedial work needed doing before they could live in it properly.
Maybe try and point out that there is an economic side to smoking indoors if you are buying a house? To be honest, very few people want smoking indoors these day- rental places hardly ever let you smoke indoors. It can also be dangerous, as someone else has pointed out.
ON a separate note, I think she is being incredibly selfish, and reading your update about her family smoking around you makes me wonder a little. I find that a very disrespectful thing to do. Perhaps you should tell her that as you are forced to go outside when at her parents' house, you feel that in your own house you should NOT have to do that to avoid smoke. You shouldn't. NOt only as an ex-smoker(well done on that by the way) but also as you have a heart condition, these two factors, to me, mean that your preferences take priority in your own home.
I think if your wife is stubborn about this you should put the house buying plans on hold. To me, this seems like a bigger issue or priorities rather than just the ins and outs of smoking.
Good luck! Keep us posted.
...............................
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (6 July 2012):
 Your wife is somewhat passive-agressive. But you should still continue to stand your ground about the smoking in the house and not allow anyone to do this. It's not only stinky when done inside, but if it poses a health risk to you personally then you should definately not give in. It won't hurt her or her parents to step out on to the patio to smoke. And frankly dogs are better off outside anyhow. They can survive just fine in the backyard where they have room to run around and poop without worrying about making a mess on the carpet. Plus outside dogs make much better guard dogs outside where they can patrole your yard and bark at strangers. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2012): Tell her that someone needs to "go out like a dog", and that someone is currently you at their place. It's her home too, so if she wants you to "go out like a dog" at your place too that's up to her. Realizing that your home isn't going to be smoke free even after her parents leave. It's up to you to figure out how much she's worth to you for you to stay with her.
It is disrespectful to kick out guests, especially family that comes over. It will be harder to enforce this rule when the weather is bad and they want to smoke. You may just have to say that you need a separate apartment for your health and skip the house purchase.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2012): Its rather inconsiderate of her being that she's your wife, she's supposed to love you and stand by you through sickness and in health.
Not to mention the fact that it ISN'T a major mission for her to go to the front or back door for a cig... Ask her where she sees the marriage heading if you can't come to an agreement on this.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi. Many thanks for your reply.
I do like her parents yes, they are wonderful people and very enjoyable to be around.
When im at their house, they smoke like chimneys, after not to long, i have to go outside because the smoke is so overbearing and makes me feel horribly ill in the process.
I do try to spend as much time outside as i can, but i also have to make the appearance but as soon as the sickly feeling and that huge craving to grab the packet and light one up myself come along, im outside and stay there, in the rain at times aswell on my own.
Im dealing with that for the rest of the day then aswell.
Heart issues and being an ex-smoker doesn't bother her, she has placed her parents in front of everything and i have no chance of getting her to see.
I have tried to get it through to her, calmly, but im the one that is "hurting her" according to my wife and "making them go outside like dogs" is the other line she used.
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (5 July 2012):
 I can't understand your wife's attitude!
She KNOWS you're an ex-smoker. she KNOWS you have a heart problem and that coming in contact with cigarette (or cigar) smoke, either is one of the worst things for your health.
You need to reiterate these facts to her and tell her that while you like her parents (if in fact you do) it is no reflection on them that you ask they smoke outside the house when they visit - although, what do you do when you visit them? Do they refrain from smoking while you are in their home?
Last but not least, even if your wife thinks its alright to be around people who smoke, she's overlooking the fact that second-hand smoke is harmful to a non-smoker. That certainly means it would be bad to expose a puppy to it - let alone a baby!!
...............................
|
